Housework issues

[FunkyDunky]

Im a sahm to 2 dc (13&10). A couple of years ago i happily did all the housework, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc as dc were little and dh worked long hours out of the house.

However, since covid dh dh is now wfh most days and the dc are older and more independent (meaning I'm no longer the only one capable of loading/unloading the dishwasher for example.)

But im finding that im getting more and more annoyed at no one helping and I'm starting to really resent no one else pitching in, even when i ask.

And yes, i have tried to talk to them about this. Things improve for 2 or 3 days, then slip back into old habits.

Its lots of little things, but its all built up and I'm ready to explode. I dont want to constantly 'nag'. I ask, i ask, i ask and nothing changes.

To give an example - i put ds clean laundry in his bedroom, all he has to do is put it away in his wardrobe (5 min job). Instead that pile of clean laundry gets thrown on the floor, then buried in dirty laundry, left to fester until i either loose my shit or he sneaks it back into the laundry basket for the whole cycle to continue again. I have spent a week asking him to put it away, it hasnt been done. So as of yesterday i am no longer doing any of his laundry. I refuse.

Does anyone have any tips/coping strategies/advice? Because its all really getting me down.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

So as a sham you should do the majority of the housework

However they should not be making your life harder as that's really disrespectful. And they should not get away with doing nothing.

So I think it's ok that you unload the dishwasher and wash the pots from a family meal for example. But they shouldn't moan about what's for dinner if they had a chance to influence that and they should load the dishwasher with their plates and cutlery and they should clear up after anything they make outside of family meals.

If someone doesnt clear up then they get the dirty plate and cutlery for the next meal with all the crumbs scraped on top. If someone leaves stuff on top of the bin then you will put it in their room for them to clear up. You will do their washing but only if its dirty - if you've spotted it's onthe floor and gone back into the pile they can do it themselves. Or better still they do all their own washing so this isnt an issue. You will hoover up but if stuff is left around so you cant hoover, it all goes in their room. Or get a labelled box each and fill it with shit they leave lying about, rubbish, clothes etc. And it's for them to sort out.

The issue here I think is your husbands disrespect. If he piles stuff on top of the bin, and leaves stuff for making snacks everywhere, he is reinforcing the message that it's your actual job to clean up whatever mess you make, and you arent worthy of respect as he doesnt care if he makes your life harder. So clearly this message will get to your kids, and why should they do more when dad doesnt even bother with the basics as you'll do it all.

You could always do what I've seen some posters do and go and stay with a friend or relatives for a week or two so they actually see how much you do, and refuse to come back until they've cleaned up to an acceptable standard

[Pyewhacket]

You're right, it does sound very petty. Perhaps you need to find a job and get out of the house : change is as good as a rest.

[Topgub]

Well she kind of does need to get job otherwise what else is she doing all day?

I'd be raging if I was working and my unemployed oh said I had to do housework.

If this was a woman posting about her unemployed oh the responses would be different

[FunkyDunky]

Lots of people saying to get a job. Job issue is a slightly odd one (i honestly didnt think this would cone up as much as it has, so excuse tye drip feed) . We live in my house that i own outright, and i also have a passive monthly income of around £500pcm. So i feel i already do contribute in a financial way, as rent on a similar house is £1600 per month and thats something that as a family we don't have to pay. Our expenses are literally bills, food, savings, fun money.

I honestly don't feel i should be required to get a job in order to force my family to put their own laundry into their wardrobes, or empty a bin when its full, or give the sink a quick wipe if they've covered it in toothpaste, or whatever.

I think @NotLactoseFree has perfectly summed up how i feel when she said

"I think it's tricky because as a SAHM to two fairly independent school aged children, it's not unreasonable for you to be doing the bulk of domestic tasks. But what seems to be happening is it's gone from you taking on responsibility for the major tasks to everyone thinking they can still act like toddlers around you."

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

Well she kind of does need to get job otherwise what else is she doing all day?

I'd be raging if I was working and my unemployed oh said I had to do housework.

If this was a woman posting about her unemployed oh the responses would be different

It's clearly NOT about the main housework is it. It's about them leaving a trail of mess & muck behind them that they expect her to pick up after them. She's not their skivvy.

[Topgub]

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Doesn't sound like there's any consequences though

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Doesn't sound like there's any consequences though

@Topgub

that has nothing to do with your horrible comment about her needing to get a job asking what she's doing if not working , accusing her of sitting around all day doing nothing ...

[W0tnow]

After cooking dinner I don’t touch the kitchen. It’s the kids’ job to clean it. And I mean clean it like I would. And I mean immediately after dinner. And that includes taking out the rubbish. There’s 3 of them and it takes 10 minutes, including bickering time. Sometimes one will cook dinner and is therefore excused from cleaning up.

I don’t let them out the door in the mornings unless their rooms are in a reasonable state and their beds are made. Folded laundry goes on the sofa and it has to be put away that day. They are also in charge of their bathrooms. I have a cleaner once per week. My place is far from spotless 100% of the time but it’s pretty reasonable.

I might be at home all day but I do not expect to have to retrieve other peoples’s dirty stuff and put it the dishwasher, or make their beds, or put their clothes away, or anything else that takes barely a second.

[Topgub]

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Well it kind of is.

Because that is the natural consequence of having a life long sahm.

Everyone (rightly) expects her to do everything

[Brefugee]

frankly? you need a time-machine and go back to when your DCs were younger and get them to help you with chores.

Don't do any laundry for them. Show them once, and once only, how to use the washing machine. They can film it, take notes whatever - but after that it's on them. Including any ironing, folding and putting away. That is it, you 're done.

DH leaves things out on the side? either get him as he exits the kitchen, or when he comes out for a drink, break, snack, whatever. Tell him to clean up after himself.

Get the DCs helping with the shopping, putting away, making a shopping list. Cooking one meal each a week. etc etc.

[laundryandwine]

I'm in an almost identical situation w you, OP.
Similar aged children, STAM and a hubby who works from home since covid.
I go through stages, sometimes it's all fine and I'm happy to do the majority of the things (husband does the gardens, outhouses, etc) but still.. sometimes I just want to explode, as it's never ending!!!

Children need boundaries and chores, so perhaps start w a list in the fridge and agree w family members who does what. You don't need a part time job just to teach them the importance of team work

[Isthisexpected]

Show them once, and once only, how to use the washing machine. They can film it, take notes whatever - but after that it's on them. Including any ironing, folding and putting away. That is it, you 're done.

^ I don't respond well to someone teaching me a new skill by pressuring me and telling me they'll only show me once. Is that how you treat colleagues?
And you make your 10 year old do the ironing? Childhood is the last bit of happiness they have.

[Brefugee]

at the risk of being shouted at: don't be so bloody sensitive.
They are teenage boys and a washing machine isn't rocket science.
They aren't work colleagues - they are young men who need to do some washing.

[Brefugee]

and i don't make anyone iron. Nearly nobody does in our house. And yes, my DCs were ironing pretty early, tbh, same as i was, because just about everyone in my family sews.

Do you think i have them in a flipping laundry 20 hours a day? get a grip

[MsMarch]

I grew up in South Africa. We had a full time domestic worker. She did all the cleaning and washing and ironing. Up to a point, she tidied our bedrooms and did a tidy up of our cupboards once eery few months. ie, we were insanely spoiled. And yet... if we came home from school and made a sandwich and didn't tidy it up.... well, we wouldn't have heard the end of it. Her job was to clean and tidy yes, but not to follow us around like we were Little Lord Fauntleroy.

You being responsible overall for household cleanliness is fine. But people actively making a mess and expecting you to sort it out is not. And it won't be doing your DC any good if they think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want.

[mondaytosunday]

Yea just stop. My son did his own laundry and ironed from 14. My daughter stripped and changed her bed from that age - I'd just hand her the clean sheets.
Tell them in X and Y days they are in charge for washing up after supper. If they don't do it - tell them you aren't cooking the next meal .
They will learn soon enough.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Topgub

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

Well it kind of is.

Because that is the natural consequence of having a life long sahm.

Everyone (rightly) expects her to do everything

Your attitude to SAHM is disgusting.

SAHP generally takes on more of the 'housework', they're not there to run around picking up used cups, kitchen left in a mess after a shitty partner has made their lunch & left crumbs/stuff out & picking up dirty washing off the floor!

[Brefugee]

to be fair if they have been doing that, suddenly shouting about it isn't the way to go.

[ChilliPB]

Have you had a discussion with them about what your responsibilities are and what theirs are @FunkyDunky ?

It feels like they see that you’re responsible for all the household chores because you’re a SAHM. However I think you’re saying you’re responsible for some and they have some but is everyone clear who needs to do what?

I think as a SAHM you might expect to do eg the weekly shop, or the bigger cleaning jobs - hoovering, bathroom etc. But you shouldn’t be doing everything - tidying up a mug they’ve left on the side after they’ve used it, picking up their laundry off the floor to wash etc. I’d be really clear about what is expected from them and when, and set rules. Have lists in the kitchen and enforce them with eg no wifi/whatever until they’re done. Yes you’re a SAHM but it is disrespectful of them to treat you like this.

[ChilliPB]

@FunkyDunky For all those saying it’s the SAHM’s job to do all the chores, I was thinking - how do you see the Council refuse workers? It’s their job to empty household bins and the bins in streets, parks etc right? But that shouldn’t need to extend to following you round picking up litter as you just chuck it in the street. You put litter in the bin, their job is emptying the bin. If you just chuck your crisp packet on the street when you’ve finished with it, it makes you a dick. Same as a SAHM. Doing the washing, or dishes might be a SAHPs job - but that doesn’t mean they should be running around the house finding everyone’s used cups, dirty laundry etc. It’s reasonable to expect they will put on a load of washing or put on the dishwasher but there are boundaries which involve everyone else doing their bit too.

[MsSquiz]

There's really no reason that your children cannot do some chores around the house. Whether it's for pocket money or just helping in the house.

You and DH need to have specific allocated tasks. I'm a SAHM and DH also works from home, but ours kids are 2 and 4 months.
DH's jobs are: bins, cats litter trays and cooking dinner 4 or 5 nights a week. All other jobs are mine unless he decides he has a spare 10 mins to run the hoover round or wipe kitchen benches. But he does also tidy up after himself, he doesn't expect me to do it.

The bedroom thing with your ds, when I was old enough to put my clothes away properly, my DM would leave them on my bed in a pile. If I then didn't put them away, it wasn't her problem. She had done her end of the job, the rest was down to me. And if something she had ironed was creased when I wanted to wear it, she would direct me to the iron...

Kids and partners don't carry out tasks because they know you will do them and just be annoyed about it.

[poorbuthappy]

I thought the suggestion of colour coded crockery was genius until I realised that my lot would use each others plates purely to get their siblings in trouble.

[rookiemere]

When DS leaves crockery beside the dishwasher, I've taken to putting it outside his bedroom door - does the trick without saying anything.

Also I'm strongly for the favour for a favour so if he wants a lift somewhere he needs to tidy his floor - or whatever- before we go.

[PrinceOfPegging]

@poorbuthappy

I thought the suggestion of colour coded crockery was genius until I realised that my lot would use each others plates purely to get their siblings in trouble.

This is why the consequence for using someone else’s is so severe. A week without any devices has only been actioned a couple of times. Staying strong with the punishment is a must though.

[belge2]

I feel your pain. As a Sahm, that is sort of what you have signed up for, as much as I hate to say it. I work full time, husband doesn't work (a v v long story) and I still do the cooking, cleaning, washing etc for a family of 5. If I loose my shit, he will do some of it for a day or 2, then reverts back. No answer except I am about to separate for a myriad of reasons, this being one of them