Husband keeps calling me stupid and telling me to Fuck off

[FEF]

Husband comes home late from work, while I'm putting 2.5 year old DS to bed.

I am in the room with him, he's just falling asleep. Husband knows I hate it when he comes in at this point because DS will get excited and then I have to deal with the fall out of trying to get him back to sleep again .

Husband comes in and wants to give him a cuddle, which he does. But I tell husband not to do that please next time when he knows it takes me ages to settle DS.

On the evenings he is late home, he should just leave me to get DS to sleep. Husband tells me to shut up storms out, calls me and Idiot, stupid and a twat and tells me to fuck off.

I say nothing. Once DS falls asleep I come downstairs and tell husband I won't be spoken to like that. Husband tells me to fuck off again. He keeps calling me stupid and it's really staring to get to me. I'm trying really hard NOT to swear at him. He told me to leave him alone. I'm happy to.

Is it that unreasonable of me to have asked him not to come in ?

You need to leave him. It won’t get better.

Swearing at and insulting you, especially in front of your child, is abusive and downright horrible. You can’t cure someone like this.

The initial behaviour is unacceptable too - he knows it’ll prolong your workload to come in for “just a cuddle” but does it anyway. A parent’s need for “just a cuddle” doesn’t trump your child’s need for sleep and a peaceful bedtime or your need to get some downtime eventually.

Id ask what he thought he was achieving for your dc by giving this cuddle if he was then prepared to swear and be aggressive in front of him - just before bed too - as that clearly shows he’s not doing it for your ds benefit.

The fact you feel you can’t just leave your husband to it once he’s disturbed dc speaks volumes. All those saying “oh just leave him to it next time” have never been married to/ in a relationship with an abusive man. They’re just not going to do it.

The language was uncalled for.

Does he normally have to work late? I would absolutely want to see the kids if I got home late. They're his children and trying to say he can't see them is wrong. What you SHOULD do is say when he does this he can settle them back. Read story etc and settle back to sleep - winning situation as he gets to spend time and you do t have to do it.

He was angry and swore. Maybe he has a tough work day, you don't know. Hopefully it all blows over.

I don’t think it’s about not allowing him to see him? It’s about prioritising the child’s need for sleep. Im sure if OP said oh great your home you can do bed time now since you’ve got the child excitable, he wouldn’t be so eager to see him.

It's not unreasonable for him to want to see his own child after a long day at work. He shouldn't be swearing at you but the whole dynamic being set up here is the problem, not just the reaction to it. What father would put up with being told he can't hug his own child when he comes home from work? There's wrong on both sides here and he should be allowed to have some involvement.

I can also see how he didn't want to let his child go to sleep without saying goodnight.

But he was happy to swear and be aggressive in front of him? This is where the whole “just wanting to see his son”’argument falls down.

Why are you still with this person OP?

What positives are you getting out of it?

The answer to these questions should determine your course of action.

So at what point is it reasonable for the father to see his own child? Only for half an hour on the morning, or just at weekends? Of course he's going to want to see his child when he gets in from work. What father wouldn't? Honestly you'd all be slating him if he didn't want any involvement yet here's a father who does want to spend time with his child and is being told by his wife that he isn't allowed to because it inconveniences her evening routine. She says he won't do the putting to bed but what exactly would happen if she refused to? The kid isn't going to be bouncing off the walls all night. I'd be upset too if my partner was telling me I couldn't see my own child when I come home from work.

@LuckyLil
That is all irrelevant. Totally.
There is not one thing that justifies abuse. Not one. There is never a time when behaving aggressively shouting and swearing at someone, telling them to fuck off and calling them names is an appropriate adult response to anything.

It is terrifying that lots of people on this thread, presumably mostly women, too, are trying to justify this behaviour. You clearly have no experience of abuse.

The OP has said herself she is also verbally abusive fyi

No she didn't. She said she USED TO respond by swearing back at him, but doesn't now. Defending yourself when being abused does NOT make you an abuser.

No wonder there is so much VAWG when people spout this rubbish.

It’s reasonable when it doesn’t intervene with sleep? If the OP is the one who does bed times and probably any wake ups and resettling then 100% she has the right to tell her partner not to disturb. Being a parent is about putting your own wants aside and doing what’s best for your child so yes he will want to see his child of course but if they need to sleep, then you let them sleep. It’s not rocket science. Plus the OP deserves a rest too which can only be had when her child is in bed so if the partner is prolonging this then yep, he can just wait until the morning and be a supportive partner as well as a parent.

He came home really late- after 9 pm for a two year old.

I often keep him up to see him. But it's disrupting him. In the last few weeks, dad has seen him every night, because dad wasn't getting home late. Yesterday DS seemed tired and was having tantrums at bed time, so I thought it best to get him to sleep.

I thought because he's seen him a lot lately, it wouldn't be an issue for DS not to be kept up until dad got home, especially seeing as he was tried.

I still don't think any of it justified flying off the handle like that. I don't even want to go into what went on for the rest of the night. But I think my husband is just very unhappy with me. He is sick of me being a 'mummy' and he thinks I don't pay enough attention to him etc.

I am just surviving day by day to be honest. We have a tiny Baby as well. To me, it's just survival. He wants more. He wants to be cooked and catered for and made a big deal out of when he comes home from work. I just put some food out for him to plate himself up and I am upstairs getting tired children to bed. It's just not good enough for him. But I can't give much more right now. I'm already broken. Hopefully we can come to some sort of middle ground. I am downstairs with him some nights, but other nights I fall asleep because I'm so tired.

What a trash home environment to inflict on kids. How are to going to stop making them endure such a shit childhood?

I don't even want to go into what went on for the rest of the night

this made me shudder. My crap parents chose to inflict lifelong trauma on me, it’s indefensible. Prioritise your kids, why do they deserve to be made to live like this?

Are you seriously blaming OP for the shitness of her husband, @economicervix ?

She needs a break and some advice, and preferably to LTB, rather than implications like yours that it's her fault.

They were actually asleep.

Women are not respond for the abuse they receive. Do you think it's emotionally and financially straightforward to leave the person who earns the money when you have two tiny children?

I'm so sorry OP that is horrible and not what you need after a long day.

No you absolutely are not being unreasonable.

Have things calmed down? Has he apologised to you this morning?

You both need to have a calm conversation about the way that he is speaking to you, it is not ok.

I assume it is not coming from anger toward you, perhaps stress from work, lack of sleep and he is taking it out on you. Which is unacceptable.

I get nasty like this with my partner sometimes during arguments and it often comes from an escalation of feelings but usually if I have had time to calm down, then I am more in control. I noticed you said you got DS to sleep and then went down stairs to talk to him about it. Was the aggression there immediately?

He needs to learn to communicate with you about what he's actually feeling. You're meant to be on the same team. Relationships are so hard.

That's horrible OP, it sounds like you're really under pressure already without being spoken to like that on top of it. I think the only way to deal with it is to talk to him about it in a few days, tell him you're not happy and why, if you don't nip this in bud it will only get worse

He is very unhappy with me. He said he's not going to apologise this time. He says I'm in the wrong.

He just went off on one complaining about me last night. There's definitely more to it than the bed time scenario. He doesn't like how I've been acting etc.

Whatever his issue is with you, there's no good reason to speak to someone the way he spoke to you, especially someone he's supposed to love and the mother of his children.

You need to say that to him and tell him if he's annoyed with you over something then by all means tell you but tell you properly not by shouting, swearing and calling you names.

Get your 2yr old to bed before your DH gets home.

You also need to decide whether your going to accept the status of this relationship going forward as it sounds like your young DC is exposed to the verbal abuse and for a while you acknowledged you would reply in the same vein but stopped recently. |t isn't healthy....as for your DH informing you he isn't happy with you without explaining why is just him trying to excuse his verbal abuse.

Your DH is verbally abusive, doesn't show any care or concern for you or his young DC bed time and doesn't respect you either. So instead of waiting for him to tell you what you have done have a think about what you want for your future

@FEF this is typical abuser behaviour: blaming you for his abuse and unacceptable treatment of you.
Unless you really feel that this is temporary, and your relationship can be repaired, then you need to consider getting out of this situation, for your own and your children's sakes. Abuse can, and often does escalate.

I'm sorry you're in this position: you don't deserve it and none of this is your fault 💐

Your DH can eat something on the way home from work. Then he'll be fine to finish bedtime.

Just seen you've got a newborn aswell. You're in the thick of it OP and you have my sympathy. Whilst working out how to deal with your husband, can you ask a family member to come and stay for a bit? Cook you some meals and watch the babies while you take a bath?

The swearing isn't even the main issue, it's the name calling. The OP has already said he won't stay to settle the child back down. Excusing his behaviour by saying he might have had a tough day at work is pretty gross and minimising

I really don't get this dire need to have to see your children when you get home late. What if they are already asleep ffs? My father worked all sorts of shifts and sometimes he would get home when I'm already in bed and he just had to deal with that as a consequence of his working pattern.