Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband keeps calling me stupid and telling me to Fuck off

105 replies

FEF · 12/09/2022 21:29

Husband comes home late from work, while I'm putting 2.5 year old DS to bed.

I am in the room with him, he's just falling asleep. Husband knows I hate it when he comes in at this point because DS will get excited and then I have to deal with the fall out of trying to get him back to sleep again .

Husband comes in and wants to give him a cuddle, which he does. But I tell husband not to do that please next time when he knows it takes me ages to settle DS.

On the evenings he is late home, he should just leave me to get DS to sleep. Husband tells me to shut up storms out, calls me and Idiot, stupid and a twat and tells me to fuck off.

I say nothing. Once DS falls asleep I come downstairs and tell husband I won't be spoken to like that. Husband tells me to fuck off again. He keeps calling me stupid and it's really staring to get to me. I'm trying really hard NOT to swear at him. He told me to leave him alone. I'm happy to.

Is it that unreasonable of me to have asked him not to come in ?

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 12/09/2022 22:14

I would not stay with a man like that,
I can also see how he didn't want to let his child go to sleep without saying goodnight.
But I still don't like the sound of him.

WhatIsThisMad · 12/09/2022 22:15

I don't think the issue is about whether or not you should have asked him not to come in when you were settling your DC. The issue is that your husband calls you stupid and tells you to fuck off. In my 12 years of marriage my husband has never once called me stupid or told me to fuck off.

Why are you with this man exactly?

Calmdown14 · 12/09/2022 22:15

He shouldn't talk to you like that but if I came home, I'd want to see my child.

What time is late? Does he tell you when to expect him home?
If you know he is leaving can you not wait 15 minutes or read an extra story?

If you want your marriage to work and this is a source of tension then can you adjust the routine? Do you need to stay with him until he falls asleep? Can you start to distance this a little so it's other side of the room, then outside door etc.

But are you happy in your marriage more generally???

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 22:16

Why are you tolerating this?

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:18

Is it that unreasonable of me to have asked him not to come in?

No, it's not unreasonable.

Anyone whos a parent knows head tearingly tiring, frustrating etc it can be to get a child off to sleep. To have that interrupted and extended by someone who's then not even going to be involved in the bedtime routine/getting them off to sleep would make anyone angry and frustrated.

As to how he speaks to you... And it's clear it's repeated (and that you're now refusing to join in because you don't want you hold hearing it and picking up on it as they get older or you're being responsible) .... He is ABUSIVE.

He is quite severely verbally abusive.

He's an abuser.

I presume he thinks he can abuse you like that cause you're stuck and, to him, going nowhere.

I would look into every aspect of how you would cope if you separate. Go to WA and cab.

If he's so fkg eager to see his kid, he'll be doing 50-50 overnights, right? Taking them loads of time and overnights.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 12/09/2022 22:20

What time was it when he gave him the cuddle?

OlderParents · 12/09/2022 22:23

Your husband was abusive to you. Repeatedly.

storming92 · 12/09/2022 22:23

That's truly awful.
He's clearly in the wrong.
Stop feeling like you did anything wrong.

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:23

If I was in this position, I'd wait til the other parent had gotten them to sleep and then satisfy my desire to see them while they were snoozing and/or wait til the morning - when presumably even someone off to work might not be gone before a young child has awakened.

It's selfush to do what he did, selfish towards you - it's a long fkg day with a small.child, and bedtime can be the straw that broke the camel's back. He's too selfish and immature to appreciate that.

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:27

Also someone who calls their partner and mother of their child stupid and tells her to fuck off etc is equally immature, as well.ad abusive.

He needs to grow the fuck up or gtfo.

I don't even know if someone can grow up and out of behaviour like that.
You think people mature bit I've been with deeply emotionally immature (and verbally abusive) men in their mid 50s so.clearly some never do

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:28

*mid 40s ... And I'd get my bottom dollar he's still the same a decade later

Original poster
FEF · 12/09/2022 22:30

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:23

If I was in this position, I'd wait til the other parent had gotten them to sleep and then satisfy my desire to see them while they were snoozing and/or wait til the morning - when presumably even someone off to work might not be gone before a young child has awakened.

It's selfush to do what he did, selfish towards you - it's a long fkg day with a small.child, and bedtime can be the straw that broke the camel's back. He's too selfish and immature to appreciate that.

Such relentless days and nights.

OP posts:
SafferUpNorth · 12/09/2022 22:31

By the sound of it, it's not really about whether or not he's entitled to disrupt the bedtime routine to cuddle his kid. And from what you say, this instance of being rude to you is not an isolated incident. It's an abusive pattern and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You deserve better.

Itsnevertheend · 12/09/2022 22:33

I’d give him a final chance and if it carries on (the abuse) then tell him you will be leaving. You don’t deserve that and tbh your not asking a lot. My partner used to finish a bit late and if my DD knew when she was little it would be a battle to try get her back down to sleep , he knew this so was always quiet coming home. Your not being unreasonable for asking the same.

Mythreefavouritethings · 12/09/2022 22:35

FEF · 12/09/2022 21:36

He won't do the bed time as he needs to eat. Just wanted a cuddle.

Usually I fight back by talking to him in equal ways. But I really don't want to do that anymore. It's beneath me and my DS will pick that up. So recently I've really held my tongue.

Choices. Before kids, you can take your pick; after, not so much. So which is it to be? Does he want to eat then cuddle and do the bedtime routine, or other way round? He doesn’t get to just tune in for the Greatest Hits here, I’m afraid, gonna have to deal with the fillers too. Boundaries. We all get tired, we all lose it at times but this is beyond that, it’s obnoxious and entitled.

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:35

Oh I've just realised he's your husband.... Did your wedding vows include "to cherish"?

Well calling someone stupid repeatedly and telling them to fuck off (while you're doing something inconsiderate and selfish and theyve reacted with natural frustration and irritation) is not exactly cherishing them.

So he probably broken his vows (as well as common garden decency and respect); I wouldn't be considering yours binding.

Deadringer · 12/09/2022 22:39

Of course he can cuddle his son, and say good night to him, but if that coincides with bedtime, then he has to stay with him til he goes to sleep. If he isn't willing to do that, he needs to stay away and let you get on with it. And there is no excuse for his nastiness, absolutely none.

Cw112 · 12/09/2022 22:39

I think the language and the way he spoke to you is well out of order and that would be a massive boundary for me especially to that infront of your child who was still awake to hear it. Fully out of order. I wouldn't be with someone who could speak to me that way. I would want an apology, an acknowledgement that he was out of line and to see a change in that behaviour.

In terms of bedtime I'd say to him that if he wants to get time with ds at night he can come in but he needs to then stay and finish bedtime while you maybe fix him something to eat so it's ready for him when he's finished. But he can't just come in and interrupt the work you're doing trying to get ds to sleep because that's also unfair on you. I would also say be careful how much you are gatekeeper of the kids routines, if you do everything because you know their routine then it's going to make it 10x harder for dh to step in when you need him to and it pushes him out. If he's not interested in doing it so it falls to you by default that's another matter.

iamjustwinginglife · 12/09/2022 22:40

Sounds very similar to my ex although I made a decision to not argue with him. I'd had enough by the time the kids were 2&5. He has no right to speak to you like that ...please get out (or get him out!)

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 22:40

FEF · 12/09/2022 22:30

Such relentless days and nights.

Show quote history

My dad's Dad has many faults but, even with a demanding job, did almost every weekend fri Fri and sat night looking after her and dealing with any night wakings/feeds to give me a break.

In the earliest days he made sure he got back from work sharp and also looked after her from 9 til 12 or 1 do I could try to get some sleep before doing the nights.

What does he do - does he oukl his weight outside of his working hrs?

Louisa259 · 12/09/2022 22:41

I completely understand how hard it is to settle kids for bed but I do think it’s unfair to say he can’t come in and kiss and cuddle his child. My husband could never ever tell me that just because I’ve worked late.

Blizzardbeach · 12/09/2022 22:41

Tbf I think that the way he's spoken to you is fucking terrible, tbf I would also be pretty fucking annoyed myself if my DH came in and disrupted the bedtime routine as you've described.

However, I wonder if there's opportunity to open up communication?
Can you come to a compromise? The nights where your H is working late, can be figure out a way to take his break just before you start the night routine with your child? Can you video call him? Do some reading via video call? Or a nice little wind down chat or something?

I video call DH several times a day whilst he's at work, just so he can be a bit involved in the day. Makes him feel like he's lost less time with the baby. It'll often be just so he can see a smile, sometimes I'll sing nursery rhymes as the baby furiously kicks his feet, or if he's done something new, but I think that sort of rests on how much he wants to work as part of a team in bringing up your child, and not calling you stupid and telling you to fuck off

clementyne · 12/09/2022 22:44

Nothing to say other than I sympathize, my partner is the same with me. Shouts at me, tells me to fuck off and calls me stupid. One thing that has helped me deal with it and helped me hold my tongue is meticulously writing down the details of every single incident no matter how minor. When I start to doubt my own version of events I can look at my record and be reminded it. Also I hope that one day it might swing custody in my favour.

Everyone saying that she shouldn't tell him not to see DC - if I he were willing to take over bedtime I agree. But why should she be up more time with a crying child?

LarchDragon · 12/09/2022 22:48

If my DH told me I couldn't come in and cuddle my child before they went to sleep I'd be telling him a lot more than to fuck off

YABU op

Presumably, if you got your child hyped up when you came in fir a cuddle at their bed time, you would then stay and put them to sleep yourself? You wouldn't come in for a cuddle, get then hyped up, then fuck off to eat some food and chill while your partner has to try to get them settles again? Because if you'd do the latter, then you sound like a selfish twat as well.

It's not about the DH not being allowed to cuddle his child when he gets back from work - it's that he then fucks off and leaves his wife to deal with the excitement from that.

LarchDragon · 12/09/2022 22:49

Like seriously how selfish are some posters on here that they think it's fair for them to get to cuddle their child whenever they want (home from work, during bedtime routine), even if it means creating more work for their partner? You get to come and cuddle them if you're going to stay and finish the job.