Husband keeps calling me stupid and telling me to Fuck off

[FEF]

Husband comes home late from work, while I'm putting 2.5 year old DS to bed.

I am in the room with him, he's just falling asleep. Husband knows I hate it when he comes in at this point because DS will get excited and then I have to deal with the fall out of trying to get him back to sleep again .

Husband comes in and wants to give him a cuddle, which he does. But I tell husband not to do that please next time when he knows it takes me ages to settle DS.

On the evenings he is late home, he should just leave me to get DS to sleep. Husband tells me to shut up storms out, calls me and Idiot, stupid and a twat and tells me to fuck off.

I say nothing. Once DS falls asleep I come downstairs and tell husband I won't be spoken to like that. Husband tells me to fuck off again. He keeps calling me stupid and it's really staring to get to me. I'm trying really hard NOT to swear at him. He told me to leave him alone. I'm happy to.

Is it that unreasonable of me to have asked him not to come in ?

Tbh, I don't really ubder

He sounds like a selfish, nasty man child.

Op also seems to be straining under the weight of childcare etc. .... Babies and toddlers can be fkg relentless... What does he do to help when he's not at work?

Has he always been verbally abusive op?

First time anyone 'fuck'ed at me in hatred would be the last time.

Unless he was prepared to take over getting DS off to sleep he should have stayed out of it. The swearing is repulsive, I wouldn't have that anywhere near me or my child.

Imagine you coming home from work havent seen your kid all day. And then your dh tells you you can't see your kid for a cuddle.

Id had used stronger words if I was him
Put your kid to bed later next time.
To avoid this.

@MissyCooperismyShero 'First time anyone 'fuck'ed at me in hatred would be the last time.

🤣

If he told me to fuck off, I'd fuck off and leave him to it for the evening. No drama - just walk out. Then he'd think twice about using those words and tone around you.

Imagine you coming home from work havent seen your kid all day. And then your dh tells you you can't see your kid for a cuddle.

I wouldn't go to give them a cuddle if I knew they would get excited and then my wife would have more work getting them settled again. I just wouldn't bother, because it's rude. If I wanted to cuddle my child after work at bedtime, I would tell my wife to go and relax while I put them to sleep.

Put your kid to bed later next time.
To avoid this.

Wtaf

Have you ever seen a kid in real life?

LTB.

Put your kid to bed later next time.
To avoid this

Or, put them to bed even earlier to avoid this! Make sure the kids are already sleep when he comes home.

OP shouldn't have to do bedtime later just to coincide with when her DH finishes work. Either be is there in time for a cuddle or he can just go without, or do bedtime himself .

I’d fuck off and leave him alone alright. I’d do it permanently. Don’t put up with this shit op. Don’t let your child grow up seeing a man treat their mother like that year after year. It’ll fuck them up too.

It seems like the relationship is really toxic if the dh can’t come and say good night to his child and the parents are routinely swearing at each other. It sounds like it’s well beyond having a conversation about how he can come in and give the dc a calm cuddle and finish off bedtime while op takes a break from childcare. Congrats on the op on keeping calm and not joining in. I hope she keeps the clear head and ltb

Let me check my understanding of this:

You think it unreasonable for your DH to get annoyed that you won't let him see his child after a long day at work...? If so, independent of how much it messes up your routine, YABU

You don't say how often this happens but if regularly, then think of it from his side, you could be excluding him from see his child 3/4 four days on the trot - that's not reasonable is it?

Given many men don't want to be involved in their kids upbringing I'd actually see this as a good thing.

As for the swearing etc, I'd suggest it's OTT but given you say you have previously responded in similar vein it sounds like it might be normalised in your relationship so not as OTT as it sounds.

As for the swearing etc, I'd suggest it's OTT but given you say you have previously responded in similar vein it sounds like it might be normalised in your relationship so not as OTT as it sounds

FFS, so many apologists for abusive behaviour on here, it's frightening. OP says she RESPONDED swearily to her DH when he was abusive to her, not that she was also instigating verbal abuse. It's very difficult to know how to respond when in such a position for the first time... OP has realised her response doesn't help, so has held her tongue. Her husband is abusive.

God, your poor child having to listen to his parents speaking to each other like that.

You both sound awful. Splitting up would be better as your kids wouldn't need to listen to such disgusting language and grow up traumatised by his parents shitty relationship.

I, and I'm sure plenty of women with such jobs, come home late and their children are in bed. We don't barge in and wake them up. If my DH is home late, he doesn't either.

This isn't a gender thing. Only someone exceptionally selfish would do that.

So you think it is perfectly acceptable for husband to tell his wife to fuck off ?
Also I would be so angry if I had just settled toddler and anyone came into room and disrupted the routine.
Next time let DH get toddler off to sleep and you go and have something to eat !

Or you could try just talking? Having a discussion, expressing your concerns and trying to come to a reasonable compromise with someone rather than tear in like a hateful, swearing banshee?

It does not matter why he is telling you to fuck off, calling you awful names, making you feel low... none of that is okay, no matter the reason behind it.

No, you are not unreasonable to ask him not to come in - and any parent running on little sleep and relentless childcare demands understands that. If he were offering to do bedtime, then that would be different, of course. But he's a twat, so he's not.

I wouldn't play this game; I would leave. But maybe you can't, or won't. In which case, have a bag and a destination ready. When he comes home late, he comes in for a cuddle, you leave the house. Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Meet a friend at the pub. Go to a movie, the supermarket, out for a drive, bike ride... just out.

If when you get home, ds is still awake because 'd'h hasn't managed bedtime, walk back out the door.

I would tell him to leave.

It is fine to disagree on something and openly discuss it.

But it is never appropriate to swear at your partner and tell her she is ''stupid''.

It sounds like you have had several arguments. If this is a toxic environment and you simply don't get on/can no longer communicate you are better off focusing on your child and removing this man from your life.

Is the coming home late and swearing at you a new thing? If my DH did that I’d be very shocked and then I’d want to know why as it would be so out of character.

is he ok? Is there something going on that has him under immense pressure?

if this is new behaviour that would be my first thought. If this is how he behaves in general the relationship would not be one I’d continue with.

You don't say how often this happens but if regularly, then think of it from his side, you could be excluding him from see his child 3/4 four days on the trot - that's not reasonable is it?

No, his work excludes him from seeing his child. If he wants to see the child at bedtime, he does bedtime.

I don’t think it’s about not allowing him to see him? It’s about prioritising the child’s need for sleep. Im sure if OP said oh great your home you can do bed time now since you’ve got the child excitable, he wouldn’t be so eager to see him.