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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unborn Baby - Friend Is Being Pushed Away

86 replies

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 20:59

A male friend of mine is being pushed away by a women who he accidentally got pregnant whilst dating (yes, we did all ask the age old contraception question!).
She broke up with him after about 8 weeks of dating, and then got back in contact to tell him she was pregnant. Although shocked, he was genuinely happy, he even wanted to try and give a relationship a go. He tried to show her how he wanted to be involved, tried to maintain contact etc etc.
Heartbreakingly, she has completely frozen him out. She speaks to him like he is worthless and doesn't want to involve him at all. It appears she was just after a sperm donor. He is completely heart broken and doesn't know what to do.
She won't involve him in discussions about names, has said she won't put him on the birth certificate, had a go at him for not being in contact for a few months (following on from her completely losing it at him so he gave her space). He is a genuinely nice bloke who wanted to settle down and have a family.
I completely agree with her not wanting him at the birth as 100% that is a vulnerable position to be in and very personal, and at the end of the day they don't really know each other. But in all other ways she's treating him like complete shite.
What should he do? What steps shall he take?
AIBU for thinking she needs to grow up and accept he has rights too?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 12/09/2022 21:04

He can apply to the court to have his name
on the birth certificate, then go to court for access rights

Aubriella · 12/09/2022 21:05

He was an idiot not to use protection.

Is the baby even his? He should ask for a paternity test ahead of paying for her eternity nest.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2022 21:07

What rights does he have? There isn’t a baby yet.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:09

So he has read up about how to go through the courts for parental responsibility if she doesn't add him to the birth certificate. We advised for a paternity test, she said OK...
She doesn't seem interested in maintenance (at the moment), if she did she would want him on the birth certificate. But it's so cruel to tell someone they're going to be a Father, someone who wanted a relationship with her, to then say she won't have him on the birth certificate, he won't have rights, has a go at him when he tries and then has a go at him when he gives her space. So it's like he knows he has a child but she will do anything to stop him being involved and is almost punishing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:11

There will be a baby in 6 weeks time, and he wants access and to be able to bond, he isn't demanding to be alone with the baby, he wanted a relationship with this woman. He's respected her. I know he has no rights until the baby is born, but surely he needs to know what steps he can take if this is his child?

OP posts:
FarmerRefuted · 12/09/2022 21:14

It's contact, not access.

He needs to leave her alone, there is no baby yet and he is not proven to be the father once it does arrive. If he wants to be involved then he should make an application to the court to determine paternity and obtain parental rights. Once he has this he can then apply for a contact arrangement.

Also if this is your new boyfriend, run like the wind.

FlissyPaps · 12/09/2022 21:15

This sounds like a very sad situation.

Would she be willing to do a DNA test once the child is born to determine it is actually your friends? If she was just after a sperm donor, could she have been seeing multiple men? I know it may seem far fetched but I’d urge your friend to get an STI test.

But absolutely good on your friend for wanting to step up and be involved in the child’s life. A lot of men casually dating wouldn’t.

He needs to speak to a solicitor and just go from there.

Just be there for him, there’s not a lot you can physically do.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:16

Thank you @FlissyPaps
And no this isn't a new boyfriend, I'm happily married with 3 children. I just find the situation saddening.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 12/09/2022 21:21

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:11

There will be a baby in 6 weeks time, and he wants access and to be able to bond, he isn't demanding to be alone with the baby, he wanted a relationship with this woman. He's respected her. I know he has no rights until the baby is born, but surely he needs to know what steps he can take if this is his child?

See i understand wanting to have a relationship with the baby but why does he need to have a relationship with her? I'm just putting it out there if he's been trying to pursue her for months from what you've said (maybe I've picked up wrong) to make a go of things but she's not interested in having a relationship with him surely that's her choice and he's maybe come on a bit strong and freaked her out and she's got defensive? She might also be trying to get her own head round the pregnancy if it wasn't planned and could be really struggling to know what she wants in the first place never mind from him. I think he needs to step back a little actually and say to her that he's here for whatever the baby needs and he wants to be a support. I'd document everything and communicate by text so he can screenshot if needed and when baby arrives he can go through court for access. That being said you also don't fully know the dynamics between them- only his side of the story so I wouldnt jump straight to the conclusion that she's just an unreasonable witch straight away. He can also ask for mediation, so they could sit down together and talk about what they both want, what their expectations of each other are etc etc and hopefully come to an agreement to give them better communication.

titchy · 12/09/2022 21:36

Wait till the baby is born. Let her know he wants to be part of the baby's life and ask how, when and where she would like contact with the baby to happen. And he needs to set up a standing order for maintenance. If she refuses he can go to mediation then court.

But he absolutely does need to back off right now, and forget any ideas he had about a relationship with her.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:40

OK thank you.
Just to clarify, as I wasn't at all clear, after the 20 week scan which she invited him to, he DID back off and waited for her to contact him. Then she played that against him and said he obviously wasn't bothered.
Re: relationship, he asked that at the beginning (when he first found out) then not again.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/09/2022 21:45

God, some women are dreadful!

OP, I don't know what he should do. But if I was him, I'd want to know if the child was mine (paternity test) and I would move heaven and earth to have a relationship with them if they were.

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 21:57

he will be able to have a relationship with his child (assuming it is his child which he needs to get proof of), but he's not entitled to a relationship with the mother. it sounds like he maybe doesn't get that.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:02

@SausagePourHomme sorry thst my previous comment didn't make sense, but he asked once at the beggining to give it a go. That is it. He isn't desperately trying to be with her, he is trying to be civil and be there to support her not ask her to be his girlfriend - he wanted to make a go of it at the very start

OP posts:
Rosebud1302 · 12/09/2022 22:04

Oh

MessyBunPersonified · 12/09/2022 22:13

Ther

MessyBunPersonified · 12/09/2022 22:15

There isn't a baby yet, no need for him to be involved at all as she clearly doesn't want that.

You sound pretty pushy about this tbh, maybe that's why she is backing off a lot.

When the baby arrives he can go through the courts

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 22:15

in which case, the baby's not here yet, he really needs to back off until it's born and then follow steps to establish a relationship with the child once it's here, one that respects the mother and child bond and isn't about his rights, rather his responsibilities as a dad.

it's clear she doesn't want any kind of relationship with him, even one of 'let's pick a child's name together' and she doesn't owe him that.

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/09/2022 22:18

The one comment that stuck out to me .. she isn't interestedin maintenance yet.

You can claim maintenance without been on bc..

Has he offered money to set up for babies arrival?

pastypirate · 12/09/2022 22:19

He sounds a bit full on and pushy. I bet there are good reasons why she's kept her distance.

Also being on the bc and child maintenance are unrelated unless he denies paternity.

The sperm donor comment is awful. You don't know her circumstances and how this pregnancy has affected her.

Castleheights · 12/09/2022 22:20

I know a woman who did this… she wanted a baby. Never wanted the man involved. Dreadful behavior for the child especially.

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 22:23

Castleheights · 12/09/2022 22:20

I know a woman who did this… she wanted a baby. Never wanted the man involved. Dreadful behavior for the child especially.

that's one possibility. realised she got pregnant by someone she didn't love/like is another. unless you can see the contents of her head you don't know.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:28

We really aren't being pushy. He certainily isn't. I am grateful for the feedback. How would you feel in his shoes? To have wanted to settle down and have a family one day, to have had an 8 week relationship with someone, found out you're going to be a Father, to now have to go through this. It is sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:29

Yet he would be a dickhead if he wasn't wanting to be a Father. Sometimes men really can't win can they.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 12/09/2022 22:30

He needs to get a solicitor and go via the courts