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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unborn Baby - Friend Is Being Pushed Away

86 replies

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 20:59

A male friend of mine is being pushed away by a women who he accidentally got pregnant whilst dating (yes, we did all ask the age old contraception question!).
She broke up with him after about 8 weeks of dating, and then got back in contact to tell him she was pregnant. Although shocked, he was genuinely happy, he even wanted to try and give a relationship a go. He tried to show her how he wanted to be involved, tried to maintain contact etc etc.
Heartbreakingly, she has completely frozen him out. She speaks to him like he is worthless and doesn't want to involve him at all. It appears she was just after a sperm donor. He is completely heart broken and doesn't know what to do.
She won't involve him in discussions about names, has said she won't put him on the birth certificate, had a go at him for not being in contact for a few months (following on from her completely losing it at him so he gave her space). He is a genuinely nice bloke who wanted to settle down and have a family.
I completely agree with her not wanting him at the birth as 100% that is a vulnerable position to be in and very personal, and at the end of the day they don't really know each other. But in all other ways she's treating him like complete shite.
What should he do? What steps shall he take?
AIBU for thinking she needs to grow up and accept he has rights too?

OP posts:
OrangeFlowersAreLovely · 13/09/2022 08:44

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:29

Yet he would be a dickhead if he wasn't wanting to be a Father. Sometimes men really can't win can they.

Agreed OP. People on here hate all men no matter what they do. Doesn't want involvement? He's a twat. Pushes for a relationship with his child? He's a twat 🙄

NiqueNique · 13/09/2022 08:47

Yes, I saw that. I reiterated it.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 13/09/2022 08:48

Dacadactyl · 13/09/2022 08:23

I agree entirely. I've been shocked by some of the anti-male sentiments on here. However, when I hear on here how some women behave I think "is it any wonder you're attracting absolute dross as partners?" I mean, when they get a decent bloke, they dump him to be a single mum... Madness

Show quote history

How can you possibly know if he was decent towards her and what her reasons are for wanting to keep her distance?

NiqueNique · 13/09/2022 08:50

It’s not about hate. Until the baby is born the woman is the one who has personhood. He needs to leave her alone because she doesn’t want to see him/be in contact with him right now. She may well be in the wrong for that but that doesn’t change the fact that he needs to respect it. She’s clearly probably not completely in her right mind at the moment given her slightly erratic behaviour with him, but he’s not going to make any progress if he keeps pushing. So my advice is to back off again, and wait until the baby is born.

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 08:50

He's a sperm donor. If he didn't want to be in this position he should have used contraception. Now that he is in this position, he comes across as a creep if he 'wants to settle down and have a family' with a woman who hates him. He has no claim over her and no right to demand that.

The courts may grants him bland, brief Saturday access but as he'll be a complete stranger to her everyday life it will wither and dwindle away.

His crap decision has all these ramifications for him and the child. And I'm not sure even the most expensive legal routes will help.

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 08:53

OrangeFlowersAreLovely · 13/09/2022 08:44

Agreed OP. People on here hate all men no matter what they do. Doesn't want involvement? He's a twat. Pushes for a relationship with his child? He's a twat 🙄

Show quote history

Sounds like he just wanted a walking uterus and the chance to 'have kids and settle down' without bothering to form a relationship. Did he expect her to begrudgingly marry him?

Without bothering to form a meaningful relationship before ditching the contraception he's reduced to a carpark McDonalds visit every second weekend.

He doesn't get to demand a relationship. They have to be earned.

NiqueNique · 13/09/2022 08:53

And yes, exactly as pp has just said, we don’t actually know that he has treated her well. She may have good reason to not want him back in her life right now.

I couldn’t see it mentioned re: paternity test but does anyone know yet that he is, in fact, the father? If not that’s another thing that will need to be sorted before they begin a co-parenting partnership.

Fundays12 · 13/09/2022 08:54

He needs to apply to the court as soon as the baby is born to get his name on the babies birth certificate. They will generally order a paternity test first. She can’t refuse it if it’s a court order nor can she refuse to put his name on the birth certificate if the test proves it’s his child. In the meantime tell him to get himself a family solicitor in place and get everything organised in his side paperwork wise to start proceedings once the baby is born. He should keep all evidence e if messages, texts etc were he has made it clear he wants contact and she has refused to put his name on the birth certificate. Once the baby is born he can apply for contact. At such a young age if mum wont agree to him sitting bin the same house etc with her and the baby he can apply for court ordered supervised contact in a contact centre. Mum will be in one room and the baby with staff and dad in another. Reports will be written by the contact centre supervisor and submitted to the solicitors for court proceedings.

BreakfastClub80 · 13/09/2022 08:58

I think that if he’s as decent as you think, he should apply to the courts and keep going from there (including paternity obviously). My friend’s DH faced a similar challenge and had to fight very hard for a relationship with his DD. 30 years later, she is a part of his family too (included as a half sibling to his 3 DDs) and has at times lived with his family.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/09/2022 09:02

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 08:50

He's a sperm donor. If he didn't want to be in this position he should have used contraception. Now that he is in this position, he comes across as a creep if he 'wants to settle down and have a family' with a woman who hates him. He has no claim over her and no right to demand that.

The courts may grants him bland, brief Saturday access but as he'll be a complete stranger to her everyday life it will wither and dwindle away.

His crap decision has all these ramifications for him and the child. And I'm not sure even the most expensive legal routes will help.

Well no he has a right to equal access if he is proven to be the father. She doesn't get all the access simply because she's the mum. OP advise him to take the legal route and ask for access rights to the child. If she actually cares about her child, she'd want the father involved when the child is here.

LuckyLil · 13/09/2022 09:08

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 21:11

There will be a baby in 6 weeks time, and he wants access and to be able to bond, he isn't demanding to be alone with the baby, he wanted a relationship with this woman. He's respected her. I know he has no rights until the baby is born, but surely he needs to know what steps he can take if this is his child?

I think perhaps the first order of things should be to find out if it is even his baby before worrying about what rights of access he has. You said he doesn't really know her. Is it possible her reactions may be a hint that she isn't sure who the father is herself? If you want to help him then get his priorities in the right order and get a paternity test done, then worry about the rest.

LuckyLil · 13/09/2022 09:09

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/09/2022 09:02

Well no he has a right to equal access if he is proven to be the father. She doesn't get all the access simply because she's the mum. OP advise him to take the legal route and ask for access rights to the child. If she actually cares about her child, she'd want the father involved when the child is here.

Show quote history

How about starting with a paternity test before investing in court processes for access?

user1471457751 · 13/09/2022 09:26

If she just wanted a sperm donor then she wouldn't have told him about the baby. Given he is so keen to settle down and he wasn't using contraception perhaps he was just looking for a working uterus?

He didn't contact her for several months after she invited him to the 20 week scan. I don't think your friend is the innocent victim in this that you are trying to portray.

Starlight86 · 13/09/2022 09:28

Aubriella · 12/09/2022 21:05

He was an idiot not to use protection.

Is the baby even his? He should ask for a paternity test ahead of paying for her eternity nest.

Why is he an idiot and she isnt?

She equally didnt use protection is seems, also he seems to want to be involved so your comment is harsh.

Starlight86 · 13/09/2022 09:30

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 08:50

He's a sperm donor. If he didn't want to be in this position he should have used contraception. Now that he is in this position, he comes across as a creep if he 'wants to settle down and have a family' with a woman who hates him. He has no claim over her and no right to demand that.

The courts may grants him bland, brief Saturday access but as he'll be a complete stranger to her everyday life it will wither and dwindle away.

His crap decision has all these ramifications for him and the child. And I'm not sure even the most expensive legal routes will help.

You really do sound unhinged.

luxxlisbon · 13/09/2022 09:35

How is it anything to do with man hating? Just because OP (his over involved friend!) said he is lovely, other than that we have absolutely no idea what he is like or how this relationship went down. All we know if they “dated” for mere weeks and now she is pregnant. It clearly wasn’t going well enough for them to be together only a few weeks later.
This woman is her own person, he isn’t entitled to share her pregnancy with her. He is a complete stranger to her. 8 weeks is barely a relationship!

Stravaig · 13/09/2022 09:44

I think he should stop trying to interact with her, consult a solicitor, and communicate via them. Start the ball rolling now, setting out expectations about paternity testing and being put on the birth certificate. Then follow legal advice for setting up financial and contact/custody arrangements.

I feel for your friend. Encourage him to focus on fatherhood, on supporting and being present for his child. Encourage him to exercise all his legal rights to achieve this, and to not get sidetracked by the mother's issues. Tell him congratulations on his bairn 👶

hewouldwouldnthe · 13/09/2022 09:48

Frankly I have no sympathy for your friend. An 8 week relationship, no contraception, no idea who he was really dating, now pushing for a relationship with her and access to the child. Disaster all round.

zingally · 13/09/2022 11:58

It's lovely that he wants to step up, but legally, there's nothing he can do until the baby is actually earth-side. THEN he goes to the courts. Good to have things lined up, ready to go, but until baby is physically here, there's nothing he can do.

And remember OP... there's always three sides to every story... In this case, HER side, HIS side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. There's no reason to think he's lying to you about anything, but remember people, even well-meaning ones, spin tales to put themselves in the best possible light.
I understand you're trying to help him, but just keep that little nugget in your head.

MessyBunPersonified · 13/09/2022 12:08

bloodyunicorns · 13/09/2022 08:04

@MessyBunPersonified - but how would you feel in HIS shoes? A woman you had sex with is pg. You're going to be a dad, yet you're being held at arm's length and ignored or berated. He has no choice about if she stays pg (obviously and rightly), no say in what happens to the baby, he has no idea if he will be able to see the baby or if she will be awkward (likely) - can't you see how confusing and upsetting this is for him?

On balance, she has behaved much worse than he has!

She doesn't want a relationship with him and there's no baby yet to have a relationship with. Should she be forced to have a relationship with him just because she is pregnant?

They had a short fling, didn't use protection, now he is overwhelming her with wanting discussions about the future and names etc, getting his friends involved too.

She really hasn't done anything wrong, she's pregnant, she's made it clear they aren't a couple, and she's keeping him at arms length because he seems to be pushing her.

When the baby arrives its a different matter, and he can legally get access.

I understand it doesn't feel great for him just now, but there's no baby to bond with, just a woman who doesn't want him around.

This situation is of his own making tbh. I don't feel sorry for him at all.

lemonyanus · 13/09/2022 12:20

It's quite rare that a mother will choose not to have the child's father involved, and accept their support. There must be a reason why and 'she only wanted a sperm donor' isn't the reason. He sounds full on and controlling.

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/09/2022 12:22

It almost sounds as if he wants a relationship with this woman and is using the baby as a reason to be in contact with her.

it sounds like I was a very short relationship and she ended it because for her it wasn’t working- for what reason we don’t know. She then discovered she was pregnant and did the right thing by letting him know

no one can say for definite but the fact that he then wanted to get back together and discuss names she may well be feeling overwhelmed by him hence she has completely shut down.

he needs to contact a solicitor once baby is here and ask for contact and potentially mediation to come to an arrangement

Gymnopedie · 13/09/2022 13:53

Those saying he was an idiot and just looking for a uterus (which is a horrible way of putting it) are overlooking this from the OP He should have used contraception regardless of her saying she was on the pill.

It's easy to be wise after the event, but if you think you're in a relationship and the woman says she's on the pill, what does he do? Give her the eighth degree? 'Yes but are you really? Really really? Can I see the packet?' Or use a condom anyway and have her turn round and accuse him of not trusting her? It's another situation where the man can't win.

legsarerequiredforjumpingdancing · 13/09/2022 14:00

you sound like an MRA. gross

Gymnopedie · 13/09/2022 14:08

legsarerequiredforjumpingdancing · 13/09/2022 14:00

you sound like an MRA. gross

If that's aimed at me, no I'm not an MRA. Anything but. However if a woman says she's on the pill but isn't, I'm not prepared to give her a free pass just because she's female.