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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unborn Baby - Friend Is Being Pushed Away

86 replies

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 20:59

A male friend of mine is being pushed away by a women who he accidentally got pregnant whilst dating (yes, we did all ask the age old contraception question!).
She broke up with him after about 8 weeks of dating, and then got back in contact to tell him she was pregnant. Although shocked, he was genuinely happy, he even wanted to try and give a relationship a go. He tried to show her how he wanted to be involved, tried to maintain contact etc etc.
Heartbreakingly, she has completely frozen him out. She speaks to him like he is worthless and doesn't want to involve him at all. It appears she was just after a sperm donor. He is completely heart broken and doesn't know what to do.
She won't involve him in discussions about names, has said she won't put him on the birth certificate, had a go at him for not being in contact for a few months (following on from her completely losing it at him so he gave her space). He is a genuinely nice bloke who wanted to settle down and have a family.
I completely agree with her not wanting him at the birth as 100% that is a vulnerable position to be in and very personal, and at the end of the day they don't really know each other. But in all other ways she's treating him like complete shite.
What should he do? What steps shall he take?
AIBU for thinking she needs to grow up and accept he has rights too?

OP posts:
MessyBunPersonified · 12/09/2022 22:35

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:29

Yet he would be a dickhead if he wasn't wanting to be a Father. Sometimes men really can't win can they.

He isn't a father though, he got someone pregnant and she doesn't want anything to do with him.

There is no baby to have a relationship with or support yet.

"Men can't win" 🙄 he isn't some poor little innocent who's had this inflicted on him. He was involved by not using protection.

How would you feel in her shoes? Some guy she dated for a few weeks wanting to be involved in decisions about her body, who's overbearing 'friend' keeps saying "we" when she isn't involved i

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:36

@MessyBunPersonified 👍

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 12/09/2022 22:46

Not sure why some people aren't getting this.
OK so there's no baby yet, but there will be in 6 weeks. And he wants to have a relationship with his child. Yes he can leave it till the baby's born then start legal proceedings to get a paternity test and contact etc, but by then she'll be exhausted looking after a baby, will have less energy to deal with this, and time will pass that he's not bonding with the baby. It would be much better if it could be sorted before the baby is actually born.

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:50

@Sarahcoggles thank you for explaining this a lot better than I obviously did.
I'm not sure how from what I've said I've made it seem like he is trying to make decisions about her body, or that he is an innocent party. He should have used contraception regardless of her saying she was on the pill. He took responsibility for that. He wants a relationship with the child if it is his. He wants to support her in a civil manner. He never asked her to get rid of the baby, he was excited albeit shocked. I'm not sure how I've made him look so bad in this situation and got so much hate myself.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 12/09/2022 22:52

drpet49 · 12/09/2022 21:04

He can apply to the court to have his name
on the birth certificate, then go to court for access rights

this

But the ‘he wanted a relationship with her’ shtick is nonsense - he doesn’t know her. They went out for 8 weeks for heavens sake. If he cuts that out they’ll likely get on a lot better.

Right now, there is no baby so not much for him to do, once it’s born he’ll get contact if he wants it.

YesitsBess · 12/09/2022 22:53

“We really aren’t being pushy”.

Can you clarify ‘we’ for me here? You say you’re not a partner, if you’re a friend then ‘we’ sounds a tiny bit over invested?

What horse do you have in this race?

Original poster
Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:56

@YesitsBess it's my friend love.
I said "we" because a previous poster said both me and him sounded pushy, so collectively that is "we".

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 12/09/2022 23:01

Let him have a papertrail of him trying to be able to see his baby

Id sue her. Or something i dunnow
A sollicitor i mean

Dont let her get away with it. Selfish nasty lady. That she doesnt want to have him the birth is thr only thing that makes sense

All this makes me sound that she just wanted a baby and lied about thr pill....

Marvellousmadness · 12/09/2022 23:02

You need to stop saying WE op.there is no we!

eighteenmonthstogo · 12/09/2022 23:13

I had a friend in this exact situation, he needs to make an application for parental responsibility. Before he can do that he must make an application to do this. Cost about £215 ..( reduced or nilled based on his income - court fees form)

The court will require a DNA test if she refutes parentage.. (payable by the mother if father says it's true and it is.. ) once that is established he has a complete right to request 50/50 parenting ...

Mariposista · 12/09/2022 23:45

If the baby turns out to be proven his, I really hole he can get a sharp lawyer to get his equal (or even more hehe) custody of the child. That would show this immature excuse of a woman that actions have consequences.

bloodyunicorns · 13/09/2022 08:00

She has behaved very badly. It does sound like she wanted a sperm donor.

Good luck to him with seeing his dc - I bet the mum carries on being a PITA.

He needs a paternity test before he starts to pay CM.

pastypirate · 13/09/2022 08:01

Mariposista · 12/09/2022 23:45

If the baby turns out to be proven his, I really hole he can get a sharp lawyer to get his equal (or even more hehe) custody of the child. That would show this immature excuse of a woman that actions have consequences.

  1. Custody of a child isn't a thing in the uk.
  1. A 'lives with' section 8 order isn't awarded as a punishment. How old are you?
bloodyunicorns · 13/09/2022 08:04

@MessyBunPersonified - but how would you feel in HIS shoes? A woman you had sex with is pg. You're going to be a dad, yet you're being held at arm's length and ignored or berated. He has no choice about if she stays pg (obviously and rightly), no say in what happens to the baby, he has no idea if he will be able to see the baby or if she will be awkward (likely) - can't you see how confusing and upsetting this is for him?

On balance, she has behaved much worse than he has!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/09/2022 08:05

Has she got a car seat? Cot? Buggy? All that stuff?

luxxlisbon · 13/09/2022 08:11

But he has no right to experience a pregnancy with her so what are you and him hoping ti achieve? When the baby is born he will have rights but the fact that after a fling of a few weeks he thought he should be at the birth is crazy. He may have fathered a child but he is pushing his idea of “family” onto this woman and ultimately he needs to accept she doesn’t want that.

Merlott · 13/09/2022 08:13

He is an adult, as you said he has Googled the legal process and is capable of sorting that all out. He doesn't need anyone to hand hold.

For goodness sake stop demonising the woman. You have absolutely no idea what this feels like from her perspective.

Step right back. This will carry on for decades and you presumably have your own life to live and your own DC to prioritise

charliee112 · 13/09/2022 08:17

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 22:15

in which case, the baby's not here yet, he really needs to back off until it's born and then follow steps to establish a relationship with the child once it's here, one that respects the mother and child bond and isn't about his rights, rather his responsibilities as a dad.

it's clear she doesn't want any kind of relationship with him, even one of 'let's pick a child's name together' and she doesn't owe him that.

If he was to back off we all know she will be the one shouting from the roof tops that he was in contact with while she was pregnant. He's not going to win either way.

charliee112 · 13/09/2022 08:21

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:28

We really aren't being pushy. He certainily isn't. I am grateful for the feedback. How would you feel in his shoes? To have wanted to settle down and have a family one day, to have had an 8 week relationship with someone, found out you're going to be a Father, to now have to go through this. It is sad.

OP this is the completely wrong forum to be asking for advice for a man unfortunately. MN are so against men he's not going to be able to win in this and he will be told he's the bad one and can't do anything right by their standards.

I feel really sorry for your friend and it seems like he's tried to do the right thing. The only thing to do is wait until the baby is born see if the mum will let him have visits and if not take it to court. If she didn't want him involved in the first place why tell him and put him through this torment.

charliee112 · 13/09/2022 08:23

Confusedbannana · 12/09/2022 22:50

@Sarahcoggles thank you for explaining this a lot better than I obviously did.
I'm not sure how from what I've said I've made it seem like he is trying to make decisions about her body, or that he is an innocent party. He should have used contraception regardless of her saying she was on the pill. He took responsibility for that. He wants a relationship with the child if it is his. He wants to support her in a civil manner. He never asked her to get rid of the baby, he was excited albeit shocked. I'm not sure how I've made him look so bad in this situation and got so much hate myself.

You've not made it look like anything. Just majority of women on here hate men and "all men bad" type attitude.

Dacadactyl · 13/09/2022 08:23

charliee112 · 13/09/2022 08:21

OP this is the completely wrong forum to be asking for advice for a man unfortunately. MN are so against men he's not going to be able to win in this and he will be told he's the bad one and can't do anything right by their standards.

I feel really sorry for your friend and it seems like he's tried to do the right thing. The only thing to do is wait until the baby is born see if the mum will let him have visits and if not take it to court. If she didn't want him involved in the first place why tell him and put him through this torment.

Show quote history

I agree entirely. I've been shocked by some of the anti-male sentiments on here. However, when I hear on here how some women behave I think "is it any wonder you're attracting absolute dross as partners?" I mean, when they get a decent bloke, they dump him to be a single mum... Madness

charliee112 · 13/09/2022 08:27

Merlott · 13/09/2022 08:13

He is an adult, as you said he has Googled the legal process and is capable of sorting that all out. He doesn't need anyone to hand hold.

For goodness sake stop demonising the woman. You have absolutely no idea what this feels like from her perspective.

Step right back. This will carry on for decades and you presumably have your own life to live and your own DC to prioritise

So when a man comes on here asking for advice for say his wife,daughter can we say "sort it out themselves, they don't need a hand hold" I think not? Double standards on this site is shockingly gross.

NiqueNique · 13/09/2022 08:35

As pp have said, he needs to back off now until the baby is here.

They dated for 8 weeks. She doesn’t need to involve him in anything yet, and he absolutely cannot expect to be at the birth. That is for the mother to decide, and if she doesn't want him there then he needs to respect that.

NiqueNique · 13/09/2022 08:40

That’s not to say he’s in the wrong for wanting to be involved. But he’s much more likely to be able to be involved if he back off now, gives her space and waits for her. Pushing at this stage will only end badly, because he will be invading her space and trampling on her boundaries. Until the baby is born he needs to respect that she doesn’t want to see him/be in touch with him.

Iamnewhere · 13/09/2022 08:41

All the people saying he shouldn't expect to be at the birth, the OP already said HE DOESN'T