To think my DH approach to laundry is really weird

[MyKidsDontGoToBed]

Two DC (1 and 3) and me and DH. Lots of laundry.

My DH bought us separate washing baskets for the bedroom to keep our stuff separate as it's "easier".

He does his own washing every Sunday night. Doesn't do anything else (lots of towels, sheets, baby clothes covered in crap). I have asked him to do more and he agreed and then got obsessed over it....creating weird little systems but he only kept it up for a week. He is now back to only doing his own. He does other things round the house a bit.

Anyway I've accepted it. But we have a small utility room and he was in there tonight picking off his clothes while ignoring mine. Like literally going around my dry clothes to get to his.

I said "it's all going to the same bedroom can't you just take it all"

And now he's accused me "of banging on about the laundry again" and he doesn't know "where any of your shit goes anyway"

He now wants to buy two small chest of drawers and get rid of our big one to keep it all separate. Despite him also going on about cost of living stuff everyday

AIBU to not be able to let it all go? We all have our weird stuff. But I find it so annoying. He does cook dinner and help with kid stuff but it's almost less about the division of labour and more like I find it so baffling I can't not say anything.

We separate washing by person in our house although we all do each other’s. Whites will sometimes get separated but not always. It doesn’t seem to matter at low temperatures and short washes.

We are 16 years married and have always done our own washing and have our own laundry baskets, we both do full loads of our own stuff so do not consider it wasteful either. But either one of us will deal with a sheets or towel wash and we don’t have children. What I would be annoyed about in your scenario OP, is that he picks out his own bits and expects you do do everybody else’s plus all the joint stuff.

I was thinking exactly the same!🤣

It’s just a new variation on the old themes of

1. household / childcare tasks that are way too complicated and stressful for a man to do but so simple and quick that any woman can do in 5 mins ( and indeed she would be unreasonable and petty not to do ). These often involve the word pop , as in “ I just pop in a load while on work zoom calls / during my tea break “ or “ Why can’t you just pop into the shops at lunchtime / after work and pick up the weeks shopping for the 4 of us “.
2. drudge work being women’s work and not suitable for a busy man. These men always “ help out “ or “ do their fair share “ by wheeling bins to the front gate for 3 mins a week and taking the car for its MOT once a year.

I had a real go at DP for doing this early on in our relationship. I asked him to put some washing in and he did - but only his clothes. I was fuming, and definitely let him know how I feel. He's never done it again.

Is he autistic? He sounds like my friend who is very similar, very rigid and has rules and can’t deal with deviating even if it seems petty or selfish.

We keep everyone’s laundry separate. It’s much more efficient. I grew up in a household that combined everyone’s laundry and got plenty of experience of just how much time and effort is wasted with that system. If someone needs to add an item, exceptions can be made. DH and I will also help one another out by doing the other person’s laundry, but we still don’t combine them even then. Once you mix it together you have to waste time separating it.

This is how it works in our house but be prepared for pages and pages of telling you how weird it is!!

He's trying to get us to eat the same dinner every day..or he buys a box of beers and every Friday just has 2. I'm not allowed to have one as its ruins the system

This, in combination with his rigidity over the laundry, suggests to me that he actually does have some kind of problem. This is edging into OCD territory.

It’s odd how these things always inconvenience someone else though.

The men who have laundry issues but can still do their own.

The men who don’t cook because it’s too difficult / stressful but have a university degree.

The men who are too busy and stressed with work to take their kids to football but can still go to the gym themselves.

The men whose “ anxiety “ means that their wife can’t stay out late with her friends but it doesn’t stop them staying out late.

All these issues that men have that somehow affect womens life’s more than their own.

The OPs husband could have one beer and she could have one beer - that still adds up to two. But no, he has to have two so she has none.

It wouldn't really bother me that he doesn't do mine but I'd be pissed off that he thinks he only has to do his own and you're responsible for everyone elses

Those of you that do separate laundry. I can totally see the benefit of not sorting. But as it is, in the school holidays I have to wait weeks before I have enough white washing to do a load. This means I often can't wear favourite t-shirts, or have to do a half load (term time ds school shirts make up the load).

Also do you just have loads of clothes? I don't think I wear a full load of darks/white each week, but I would then run out of clothes. Same with dc school uniform.

Very strange - he’s just trying to flake off responsibility for anyone else’s laundry which isn’t (or shouldn’t be) how a family works

Ask him to pick one kid and do their laundry as well as his - at least that way it’s fair, he can’t complain about that

He sounds selfish. I don't understand my DP's system (or lack of) for storing his clothes, so they all get taken upstairs and left in a laundry basket. It would feel petty to ignore anything belonging to my DP when I'm picking my clothes off the drying rack. I would also find it annoying to have some clothes still on the racks (and find it hard to tick that job off in my head as being done). At the very least, I would put them into a separate basket and let him know, so he could take it upstairs with him the next time he goes up.

His other weird habit is closing all the windows and doors constantly to "trap the heat in for when winter comes

seriously??

I'm not getting into the laundry debate (I'd have to smother him with the towels), but I could NOT live with someone so bloody thick.

I think the idea that laundry should be mixed is only considered normal because traditionally one (female) person did all the laundry.

Each adult doing their own makes perfect sense in a household where all adults are equal, means each are just continuing to do what they did when they lived alone.

Who does children's stuff is just one aspect of child-related work that needs to be decided separately.

I think it's weirder that you dint separate anything. Do you wear whites? I knew someone who said they didn't separate but it turned out that they only wore darks to mid toned clothes 😂. If I wash anything with whites, the whites lose their brightness and go a bit blah. Also reds. Never wash reds with anything but yellows, pinks etc. As for wool, how have you not had any disasters!!!

I think adults who are in a relationship shouldn’t be separating their clothing. How bizarre and a waste of water/electricity!

We don’t separate our clothes. We just don’t combine them in the first place. He wears his clothes, takes them off and puts them in his laundry and I do the same. Our clothes are always separate. We then wash our own clothes, we both do this when we have a full load, we are not washing a half load each, it therefore makes no difference to water and electricity.

What I could not imagine doing, is meeting this grown up in my early 30s as I did and us both assuming that I would take responsibility for doing his washing (because it appears it goes that way round usually).

He just sounds quite self-contained, and focused. Some people's idea of relationship is a complete merging, other people are more separate.

I wouldn't oppose the his and hers dressers.

Would it work for him to be wholly responsible for the kids clothes? Then he could organise the wash/dry/put away as he pleases.

He may have left your knickers on the line, as he found them, thinking you had a plan for them. Respect for someone else's belongings.

You just sound different. Being together doesn't make him you.

Ok following your update it sounds like your DH is definitely straying into loony tunes territory or controlling behaviour. Never mind separate chest of drawers, I think separate houses might be the way forward.

Sorry Op, I don't really know what to seriously suggest, but it sounds like this could be difficult to live with.

I agree! I'm also autistic. Leaving the single pair of your pants on the line makes perfect sense - a system has been agreed and he is sticking to that system because it's extremely difficult for those on the spectrum to understand on which occasions deviations may be permitted.

Or he may be an arsehole, or he may be both...

I think adults who are in a relationship shouldn’t be separating their clothing. How bizarre and a waste of water/electricity!

There's literally dozens of threads where people explain that it isn't 'bizarre' and doesn't use any additional water or electricity.

It's the same amount of clothes being washed the same amount of times. It's not rocket science

I do think it's weird he's trying obsessively to not do things for YOU specifically. Don't like it at all. Seems very selfish and almost to a cold or petty way.

Not many machines adjust for the load - older ones don’t! So if a cycle takes 60 mins then you have two cycles of 60 mins instead of one?

I am not a rocket scientist however so what would I know.