Did you feel judged as a teenage parent?

[FlaminNoraPhyllis]

Hello all

Years ago, I was a teenage mum. I had my daughter when I was 16, and she is 31 now.

Over that time, I had period comments such as 'oh you started young' followed by an eye roll or a snigger. When my daughter was small, I felt very judged much of the time and these questions were regular.

...and this has always been from other women , that i barely know, and I have never learned how to feel comfortable with this

I have had new workmates, etc say this type of stuff and I feel the only reason they ask is so they can judge.

Yesterday, I was talking to a lady I barely know, at a social event and she was proudly talking about her young Children whilst I listened. This lady was prob about my age now so say late 40s. Anyway I feel she was trying to find some common ground and she got around to asking if I had children, and I said yes, she's an adult now and she looked as if I said I had birthed an alien lol and then rolled her eyes and said 'You started young then didn't you, how old were you exactly? snigger'........and i thought ffs not again. I stood there trying to wrack my brain on what to say to bow out of this, when she changed the subject quickly

if in this situation, how do you handle it?

I think I may be a tad defensive, but I really do not understand the need for people who do not know me, to demand this information and it does not feel that it serves them any purpose other than to build up some type of judgement

Yep! I was 19 when I had my oldest. I remember I started a job in the coop whilst I was a student, had a big new staff induction for about 10 of us and we were doing the whole “tell us something about yourself” bit. I said “I have a one year old daughter” and the manager laughed and said “you’re not old enough to have a baby!” I felt so awful and humiliated!

Basically my observation is that people felt entitled to make shitty rude comments to me until I got married at 23. Weirdly the comments magically stopped when I had a ring on my finger….people aren’t as progressive as they’d like to think! My daughter is 12 now and likes having a young mum 😊

I may have been one of those people recently. I think my reaction was ‘oh wow’ or something equally…insensitive? Honestly I had never met someone who had had their child so young. Anyway, she said something like “yep, it was a real struggle sometimes, I lost a few of my mates who went off to university, and loads of others who judged me, but it was worth it, I’m so proud of him, he is…” and she went on to describe what he was doing with his life. We chatted for ages and got on like a house on fire. She was clearly used to that reaction and had the perfect response that was not defensive, but also designed to smooth over a clumsy response, like, err, mine.

Isn’t it just a silly initial reaction like saying to someone 6ft 5 ‘oh you are tall’ as if they didn’t know. Statistically it is young to have your first child.
Most people don’t think before they open their mouths and if they do they are thinking about themselves.

Constantly, I had my twins when I was 17 and I looked quite young for my age
There were people who were nice, but anybody I met seemed almost angry at me.
I got called every word under the sun for somebody who sleeps around.
I had a 'concerned' older man take me aside to tell me how worried he was that I was " ruining my young body" and maybe I should abort them to preserve my figure.

Medical staff were always really nice and appropriate but other patients were not. Some were just a bit eye rolly and would whisper about me.
A lady on the ward when I went in for low blood sugar said that I would never be able to look after them because I was still a child and tried several times to give me her contact information- so she could take at least one of them off my hands when they were born.

When I went to baby groups, people made commemts all the time about how old I was, what did my mum say when I told her, "did the dad run out on you", or would ask really condecendingly if I knew basic things like how many layers of clothes they should wear outside or how to check the temperature of bathwater.

When the girls went into nursery, the staff were all really nice but some of the other parents were really weird about it.
Despite knowing that I was their mum, one woman constantly reffered to me as "the girl who looks after the twins" I asked her why once (not in an annoyed way I was just curious) and apparently it was so I didn't ruin my reputation?
Another mum remarked how unusual it was that my children had nice normal names because she expects teen mums to call their children 'awful chavvy names'.

Their primary school was better but yeah I still get comments about starting young and people implying that I am stupid or slutty in regular conversation.

Yes. I was 19, but looked 16 at a push. And then I had another about a year after my eldest.

Recently, dps ex mentioned my age and how young I was, and how she was glad she waited to be more mature before having kids. She sent this via text to him. He didn't respond but I just thought, I'm now 10 years younger than you, they're pretty much grown, I can work without the cost of childcare, watch tv and movies that I want to watch, and have conversations with them that don't revolve around Peppa pig. I'd rather be in my shoes than hers!

Woops I have just noticed a typo in my OP 'Period comments' (LOL) = Periodic comments

It is interesting others have felt this way

I had one at 16 and I didn't get any comment. Never felt judged. I may have just been blind to it.

Yup still get the occasional comment and the eldest is nearly 30 😂

Depending on my mood I either ignore, eyeroll or be just as nasty back, including its ace being recognised as mum/sister rather than granny 😂
or it was great in the park etc messing around with them, or jumping in puddles and no one paid any attention. Try that in your 30’s and people look at you like your batshit.

Had oldest when I was 17 and youngest in my 30’s.

I had my children in my late 20s but looked very young! I always remember a man coming up to me and my DC and talking to them, but inadvertently having a dig at me saying to him oh look is this your big sister?! How nice of her to look after you!
It was so annoying

Married at 17 kids at 18 and 20. I looked young for my age and the only comments I ever got was in hospital aged 24 when I'd had a late miscarriage. ALL the staff assumed it was my 1st child and that I was a lot younger. The comment 'never mind, you're still young, you can have more' was said so often I would start every new conversation with ' how did this happen after having 2 babies with no issues?'. That burden should not have been mine 😪

I didn’t have kids young but I did get married very young. It seems to completely confuse people that (my age - number of years I have been married) doesn’t ever change.

When I was 20 I was married.
When I was 25 I had been married 5 years.
When I was 30 I had been married 10 years.
Now I am in my early 40s I have been married 22 years.

All of these things are equivalent! And yet each one seems to “re-surprise” people.

Also - we waited to have kids until I was 30. So my marriage will always be 10 years older than my oldest child. I get that that is unusual but it isn’t for me. And it will never change!

I was definitely judged at the time, I was 18. Now I’m not sure I would say people judge me but people seem very surprised when they realise I have an older child. They always look really shocked and it’s like they are trying to work out the numbers in their head. My child is now the same age as I was when I had him and I look at him and wonder how on Earth I coped, he seems very young to me so I do understand where people were coming from, even if sometimes it was a bit insensitive.

Well it is pretty unusual for a 47yo to have a 31yo daughter. Not outrageously unusual, everyone will know someone who had kids at 16 (or younger) but you must know it's not the norm and so people will react as they do to anything unexpected. I wouldn't have thought they'd judge you in the same way they did when you were 16 - that must have been hard and is one of the factors in most people not having them so young, because it is so hard and you do get judged. But now I'd have thought it makes people think you're more interesting, been through a lot at a young age, come out of it well and so on.

Of course it'll make them reframe their perception of you, but not necessarily in a bad judgmental way. We all judge each other if you want to put it like that, but really people are overly interested in each other as much as themselves, so they won't think about it too deeply. It'll just be a curious thing for them to absorb then assimilate. My friend who is your age is a grandma now and having the time of her life. She doesn't give two hoots what anyone thinks of her and it's a very appealing quality. But she'd still say it was bloody hard being a teen mum and wouldn't recommend it, so in her way maybe she judges them now too.

That should've said people aren't overly interested in each other

Had my first at 19, had preeclampsia,so had to leave off my wedding ring. Was in hospital, always looked very young for my age. Could hear other patients saying look at that young girl over there,no wedding ring and looking apparently about 15. I never looked pregnant either. This was 1970,so even sex outside married was fairly unusual. Second DH had the last one at 41,and was very glad I looked young for my age. My middle class friends had babies much later, around 40.

Definitely - and not always by the age-group of people I expected. I was a few months short of my 20th birthday when my oldest was born (she's now 26), and went to university when I was 22 (with her in-tow, on a 4-hour round-trip from home, to uni, then back again, via public transport... 3 days a week). For one of my practical labs, I was paired with a girl of 18/19 who seemed lovely. Very friendly. Talked about herself a lot until we had to travel to a location in order to carry out the practical work on-site. Then, she said that she'd not seen me at any of the parties, there was one that night (a Friday) and I "simply [had] to come to it!". When I told her that it wasn't possible as (a) I lived a 2 hour bus ride away, and (b) I had a 2 year old child... she stared at me as if I were dirt under her shoe, turned on her heel and walked away. Never spoke to me again, and I completed the lab work alone as a (perhaps petty) result. I also got a higher grade than she did, but... my secret weapon was that I'd been working in the field for 3 years prior to starting university (for a degree, so that I could get a better pay grade in order to provide for my daughter!). But it hurt. The feeling of being considered less than/judged for your life choices (and, to be brutally honest, my oldest was the product of an abusive relationship, and a GP who told me that I was too far along for a termination... when I actually wasn't - by the time I discovered the truth, I genuinely was too far along) by someone barely mature enough to grasp the concept that not everyone on a uni course is their age, or even wants to waste time partying, is hideous.

I also lost a few, very religious school-friends, who felt that I had sinned and therefore was not worthy of empathy or compassion. The majority stuck with us, and we're still close today - and ironically, my colleagues whom I worked on-site with prior to university all adored my little girl and made sure that when she was on-site, they'd all spend time with her so that I could get my work done.

But that girl at uni? Was the worst. She really knocked my confidence for a while, and I'll never forgive her, even though it was 24 years ago now, for how small she made me feel.

I’m certain they do and I’m sorry you’ve experienced this.

I confess that I have had to catch myself judging before because I had never met anyone who had had children (in my generation) before the age of about 22 until my DC started school. So it’s not a judgement of ‘they’d be a bad mum’ rather a ‘but surely someone should have intervened so that that child didn’t have a baby’. Because everyone I knew who got pregnant before about 22 had an abortion. And I catch myself and realise that it’s none of my business.

I’ve seen the same incomprehension the other way round too…I’ve got friends who are having their DC in their late 30s and some people openly pity them…

I think it depends on your social circle TBH.

I'm a similar age to you OP. There are plenty of mums a similar age to myself at my DC school. Lots have adult children and some are grandparents themselves. My DS is in a class with two boys who are uncle and nephew to each other.

I think the only time I have been shocked by it was when I was talking to a colleague whose age I didn't know at the time. I presumed she was much younger than me (she's actually a similar age) so when she started talking about her son in her 20s, I was like WTF. In my mind, she was only about 30!

I was told by a stranger in Tesco I was ‘too young to have a child’

Well obviously not because her she is!

Yup, 17 and 19 and they're 15 and 16 now. Hated primary school gates, hated nursery runs and since I went to uni and ended up in a professional job I get plenty of raised eyebrows in work. One lady in work was talking to me about her daughter getting married before having a baby and kept saying how her daughter was doing things the proper way in a pointed way to me. Or maybe she was oblivious but I still got to know how she thought about how I did things.

Yes and still get it now. I was a grandmother at 37 and people assume she's my daughter and when corrected you can see the cogs whirring while they try and do the maths and think of something to say. I absolutely love being a young parent, I'm 40 and can go wherever I want and don't feel like I missed out on anything because I wouldn't have appreciated travelling to some of the places I've been when I was young. There's also the plus side I never had to take maternity leave from my career and I worked my way up a lot faster than many women who were starting a family as a result. If someone said "you've started young" I just smile and nod because it's none of their business and you don't have to answer them.

Yes, had mine at 16. I used to get dirty looks at school pick ups/drop offs, other parents would avoid me, some would ignore me if I let on. It gave me anxiety.
I've been told my life is ruined, I'll never be able to give my DC a good life, still a child myself yada yada.
Judgemental, we all are, but some people just can't keep their thoughts to themselves, unfortunately.

I’d think some was just conversation not a criticism. Gosh you started young in same stating obvious chit chat vein as gosh aren’t you tall. It depends on tone. If they mean well and it’s just conversation I’d have a throw away line ready like I loved being a young mum.

The answer is that societies status quo is kept by communal agreement on right and wrong and punching down.

Sometimes it's surprise, and mouth before brain, but yes it's often being done to draw a hierarchical line in which you are forever judged as wrong or lower. You know when that's going on, and this was one of those occasions..
Don't be taking it.

In my day, myself, Mandy Smith, and Elvis's, and Jerry Lee Lewis's cousins where all seen as loose little Lolita's, and gym slip mums out to wreck men's lives as 13 and 14 yr olds, not helped by family involvement in passing us on. In R/L our legal guardians/husbands, baby fathers, were held up as virile men to be congratulated, and further bigged up for sticking around, marrying us and putting us to work, in and out of the house. We have a name for those men now.

Many joined a countdown to see a picture of Samantha Fox's breasts at 16. On my 16th birthday,I carried in my twin toddlers, baby, and visible bump to the magistrates court, old enough by hours to apply to get my marriage bans shortened. I was told how lucky I was that their father, my guardian, was prepared to "make an honest woman of me," and it was granted.
Of course his 'honor' or 'honesty' was never in question. Neither should any of it be expected to harm his life or reputation, disrupt his other hobbies, cost him money, or bring judgement on him.
Little point in putting miserable details on here about health care, schools etc, especially with the Daily Fail's love of shit spreading, but yes judged, and judged, and found wanting again, and again, and again. The younger you where, the more people like to look down in perpetuity. I paid so many times over for in retrospect, having had a life with few chances or choices, and sadly often in subtle ways, so did my children.

I ended up having to learn to fight back and take some authorities to court.

Many years later surprise! One (much loved) accident. Now I got judged again, as too old and 'haven't you finished with all that.' (Well evidently not!)

But then - we discovered homeschooling. Holey Moley, you think age gets you judged as a parent and a woman, based on everyone else's perceptions without facts? Obviously everyone is also entitled to demand facts and then tell you they find them hard to believe! My younger adult children are seen as 'remarkable' for having taken up the careers they have with 'no proper schooling, and an underage parent. Obviously nothing I did was any sort of positive contributory factor.

It's my female adult children, and grandchildren, never the males, that get the "oh you must have started young!" comments when we're all out and about together.

There's a certain degree of pleasure from mine turning round and saying " no it was her, actually" The perpetrators find it embarrassing when they've targeted the wrong female, which is interesting in itself.

Replies: In the past, I used to fall back on "That's a bit personal, isn't it?" with a jokey smile, and change the subject, when they demanded to know just how young I'd been.

At work: "The past is a foreign country for many,' and change the subject.

But if they where sniggerers or sneerers, : "Gosh, I don't think I've ever had a woman snigger before when asking that, it's usually men who do that" and subject change holding the upper hand.

Nowadays I think I'd borrow from the grandkids and say something along the lines of, ' oh you know how it was back then, I'll do me, and you do you.' big smile and subject change.

Yep had my first at 16, looked even younger so many many judgy comments and stares.

Started a new job when I was 17 and a woman cornered me outside on my break and whispered that she 'heard a rumour' that I had a baby, as though it was meant to be a secret.

Last week went to the midwife for booking in with my 3rd (10 years later, 2nd born this year) and when she asked the age of my eldest she too said 'wow you must have started early'. I was quite disappointed.

I tend to just roll my eyes and agree, as I generally would when people state the obvious to me.