Did you feel judged as a teenage parent?

[FlaminNoraPhyllis]

Hello all

Years ago, I was a teenage mum. I had my daughter when I was 16, and she is 31 now.

Over that time, I had period comments such as 'oh you started young' followed by an eye roll or a snigger. When my daughter was small, I felt very judged much of the time and these questions were regular.

...and this has always been from other women , that i barely know, and I have never learned how to feel comfortable with this

I have had new workmates, etc say this type of stuff and I feel the only reason they ask is so they can judge.

Yesterday, I was talking to a lady I barely know, at a social event and she was proudly talking about her young Children whilst I listened. This lady was prob about my age now so say late 40s. Anyway I feel she was trying to find some common ground and she got around to asking if I had children, and I said yes, she's an adult now and she looked as if I said I had birthed an alien lol and then rolled her eyes and said 'You started young then didn't you, how old were you exactly? snigger'........and i thought ffs not again. I stood there trying to wrack my brain on what to say to bow out of this, when she changed the subject quickly

if in this situation, how do you handle it?

I think I may be a tad defensive, but I really do not understand the need for people who do not know me, to demand this information and it does not feel that it serves them any purpose other than to build up some type of judgement

I think both of these examples are quite rude. Unless 'gosh you're tall/started early' is followed up by 'arent you stunning/it must be lovely'.

I think I've said something like this before but intended if as a compliment! It's good to realise I was being insensitive.

I've often said to young pretty mums or young looking grandmothers that they must have started young. In my head, I'm pointing out how young and vibrant they look (by comparison to my old and dishevelled look). Time for me to retire this observation!

Well, obviously the comments aren't the same. It should be obvious that if a child has a child, people will not treat them the same as someone in their 30s with a career and a house having a child. Sometimes concern is well-meaning.

You think pp lived in a tent? I'm sure she has a house/flat too. If you mean not owning property, you a) have no idea if that is true for pp b) has zero bearing on anything.

And child has a child? Op was not 17 when her child was 16 taking GCSEs. She was an ADULT.

Pp not op*

I realised that people were not very nice when I had DD at 17. I didnt however realise how unkind people were until I had my second baby at 31.
Completely different reactions, people are SO much nicer to me as a mum in my 30s.
Its made me quite sad actually.

You dont "feel judged". You WERE judged
And probably always will.

You were a kid, having a kid. Having a baby at 16 is not the same as being a mum at 16. and im saying this as a child of a teenage "mum".

And you say you feel a tad defensive? Being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed / guilty. So probably even you yourself judge yourself for having a baby at the age you did.

@Marvellousmadness I'm sorry for your experience but I was most definitely a mum at 17 and a good one at that. You can have a child at any age and not be a mum. It isn't the age that makes that or not.

Thanks @BlueyandDingo glad you get it.

I loved being a young mum. I love that I'm still young whilst they're becoming young adults. There are lots of positives.

Thank you for perfectly highlighting the point of this post!

Furthermore, it is a shame, that with you being the child of a teen mum, watching her struggles - did not offer you any mature insight whatsoever.

Your only input is a Wikipedia psychology assessment.

Maybe your mother wasn't a "mum" to you, but that doesn't make everyone who had a child at the same age similar.

People comment on what a good mum I seem like to my youngest. I am exactly the same as I was with my eldest.

And there is a huge amount of judgement for teenage mothers. I'll admit I felt some guilt and shame, but not all of it, or even most of it came from me. Outside sources were most definitely judgemental, a bit like yourself to be fair.

You obviously have your experiences of having a teenage mother, but that certainly doesn't make everyone's experience the same.
I doted on my daughter from the day that she was born, just as I have my son who was born to me in my 30s. There is no difference in the love that I feel for my children, the care that I provide for them, or what I provide for them.

I think whatever age, does not make a person a bad mum.

There are bad mums that are young, and bad ones that are older = age really has no relevance as far as I can see

I friend of mine was told this too, she replied: I'm 36, I don't have the luxury to wait much longer!". People always have an opinion unless you're exactly 28.5 and married.

Sounds like you had a rough time and it has left you with a bit of a chip on your shoulder. I am sorry to read your comments , reflected through the eyes of someone who lived it

I loved being a teenage parent. Wouldn't swap it now my kids are all teens.

Yes. I had DS1 when I was 20 and it always attracts comments. People just stare at you like you're an alien when they realise that you're the mum and not the nanny or sister. I found it was worst when he was very tiny and then again when he was at primary school. Once he started secondary I clearly looked harrassed and old XD or maybe I just don't notice it since I don't take him everywhere with me any more.

I had two more babies in my thirties and I found the period of telling people I was pregnant very triggering and upsetting because people were so happy for me, and it reminded me of how NOT happy they had been when I was "too young" in their eyes. They would say things like "Oh.... is that... good?" or "Wow, that must have been a surprise!" or even just "Are you sure?"

It made me resolve if anybody young ever tells me that they are pregnant, I will be happy for them and congratulatory (unless they are obviously upset!) you are not supposed to react that way, but I don't care.

I had my son at 17 (He’s nearly 22 now) and have had these comments all of his life! It’s made worse as I look quite young for my age anyway.

It was a struggle at times but I wouldn’t change it for anything and we are extremely close. In fact I don’t know any other parent/child relationship like ours.

Nowadays though, if I know I’m talking to a judgy type of person, I’ll purposely bring it into conversation just to see the look on their face 😂

I did similar….I had my first at 22 so I wasn’t particularly old, not many of my friends had kids and I looked younger than this so I got a lot of “you don’t look old enough to have a child” but I took it as a compliment. I wasn’t very used to speaking to people my own age with children though.

So, when I met one of my work colleagues for the first time and we got chatting (shes a few years older than me but looked younger) she asked if I had any children, I said “yes 1 she is 18 months, do you?” She replied “yes 3” I was that shocked as she looked age 20….my jaw hit the floor and I went “how old are you?!” ….. “30” she said so I calmed down a little as it made sense that she had 3 kids at age 30…. “oh right u don’t look that old, so how old are you children?” I said expecting her to say “2, 4, 6” or something similar and she said “15, 12 and 4”….well my jaw hit the floor again as I worked out in my head how old she was when she had the eldest, she just laughed as my reaction was comical and said “yes I was 15 when I had him” and went on to tell me how hard it was. Luckily she wasn’t offended by my reaction and was obviously well used to it, we’re the best of friends now, I wasn’t judging I think sometimes people just aren’t used to it. I’m so proud of my friend and everything she’s been through and overcome….she is now in an extremely high paid job (much higher than me despite me being higher when we first initially worked together)….she studying her arse off when her kids were old enough, she did the having kids young but she’s one of the best mums I know

I had my first at 19, then 24 and 28.
one of my ‘best friends’ at the time said ‘oh no, you’re not going to keep it are you?’ But mostly people were very supportive.
my grandma said she wouldn’t ‘support’ my child (ie pay for her to go to boarding school!’ as DD was illegitimate, so lucky escapes all round!
I have loved being a young mum. All of my DC have been/are at Uni and I have a great career, lovely home, and three really great people as my children. Now in mid/ late forties and enjoying holidays etc.
I wouldn’t change anything.

I wasn't even a parent when I was a teenager and got judged.

When I was 17 I went to college to study childcare. As part of that I had to do multiple placements. One of which included looking after a baby and toddler at a family. I took them both out to the shops once whilst the Mum got some sleep.

I got pulled aside by two older ladies who told me off for having children so young. I was wearing my uniform which had 'name of college, childcare' on it.

I think you’ll find I was also a “mum”
you don’t get to define whether someone is accepted as a mother

@Marvellousmadness

Oh dear oh dear…. So you had a shitty teenage mum and you’re tarring us all with the same brush?

Riiiiggghhht. You do know you can be a shit mum at any age surely? If I was you I would get off this thread. It must be triggering for you to see a load of people who had kids when they were teens and did a good job of it.

You sound bitter. Everything ok at home?

So no one else had sex as a late teen then?

Don't kill the messenger! I'm just telling you how it is, whether you like it or now.

13-16 is not "late teen".