Did you feel judged as a teenage parent?

[FlaminNoraPhyllis]

Hello all

Years ago, I was a teenage mum. I had my daughter when I was 16, and she is 31 now.

Over that time, I had period comments such as 'oh you started young' followed by an eye roll or a snigger. When my daughter was small, I felt very judged much of the time and these questions were regular.

...and this has always been from other women , that i barely know, and I have never learned how to feel comfortable with this

I have had new workmates, etc say this type of stuff and I feel the only reason they ask is so they can judge.

Yesterday, I was talking to a lady I barely know, at a social event and she was proudly talking about her young Children whilst I listened. This lady was prob about my age now so say late 40s. Anyway I feel she was trying to find some common ground and she got around to asking if I had children, and I said yes, she's an adult now and she looked as if I said I had birthed an alien lol and then rolled her eyes and said 'You started young then didn't you, how old were you exactly? snigger'........and i thought ffs not again. I stood there trying to wrack my brain on what to say to bow out of this, when she changed the subject quickly

if in this situation, how do you handle it?

I think I may be a tad defensive, but I really do not understand the need for people who do not know me, to demand this information and it does not feel that it serves them any purpose other than to build up some type of judgement

Oh god yeah all the time

even now when my son is in his 20s

like friends I’ve had for decades still say “do you remember when you were pregnant and XYZ”
it’s like a constant thing people won’t ever let you forget and you respond in any way that isn’t perfectly pleasant you get treated like you’re defensive and ashamed

when it’s actually that you’re having the SAME conversation over and over and over again with friends and strangers
ill be 90 still saying “yeah… I was X years old… yeah he’s ok”

then they say “you did well” which actually means “is he in prison/also a parent/illiterate etc”
youd think I’m being defensive but I’m actually not it really is how people treat you
so patronising and annoying

I think you just need to use it as an opportunity to bond with people, the truth is, most people, especially women, absolutely love it when others are vulnerable with them. It’s the easiest way to make fast friends. The next time someone says it, just be open about how it was for you - like “gosh yes I was just a baby looking back and it was a real struggle at times, but now I have a great relationship with my adult child, and while I wouldn’t recommend 16 year olds to get pregnant there have been so many positives about being a young mum!”

Most of the time people aren’t judging you, they just say things in conversation to make small talk. Just assume they aren’t judging you and use it as a launch pad to get a good chat going.

Just hold your head up high, life happens to everyone and you made it through all that stuff successfully!

And yeah obviously it’s a bit annoying to have the same conversation over and over but I have the same conversation over and over and over with new people about other important aspects of my life (eg my divorce or moving to a new country and how that was) so this is no different. It’s part of the tapestry of who you are and people are curious.

I hate the you did well patronising comments. My dd smashed her GCSEs. All I've had is wonder from others on how well she did. Fuck off. They are not the same comments other parents have had when they had dc at an older age.

I wear it with pride op !

Had my first at 19 (he is 30 now) and my second at 25 .

Now when people ask if I have kids and I say yes and tell them they're 30 and 25 and watch their faces it makes me laugh .

I'm 50 now and my life is my own .

Absolutely, I had my son at 17 but looked much younger. And I'm mid 40s now and I still look a lot younger so people usually think we are sister and brother. I was called a slut by someone my own age at the time (25) whom I'd never met or spoken to before. An elderly lady called me disgusting infront of others. I was shunned and ignored by family members. Strangers regularly felt they had the right to comment, told me I was just a child myself and looked at me with either pity or disgust. I was, and still am a fairly quiet, shy and non confrontational person so I never said anything back/wasn't quick witted enough. Those people, who never knew anything about me or my life, made me feel embarrassed in that moment. I wish i could go back and say something to them. I am massively proud of my son, he's had a good job, car and mortgaged house for many years now, although he is still fairly young himself. I brought him up well despite my age and the judgements or others. I'm glad my son didn't have children young, I always worked but it was struggle at times paying childcare and bills when I was so young myself. But just as there are advantages to having children at an older age, there are also advantages to having them young. My son was an only child and those years of sleepless nights and tantrums are a very distant memory whereas most of my friends have young children/babies now and I don't envy them one bit.

They drive me insane! Always with that look like a sympathetic, judgey, confused and smug face

all dressed up as “trying to bond”

and to the poster re: being vulnerable
maybe I don’t see my having my son as a vulnerability and maybe I don’t want to discuss the details surrounding ny pregnancy with a random friend of a friend
i doubt anyone intrudes on why you had a divorce unless you specifically allude to it being ok. it’s not been like that for Me in my experience
its like they demand an explanation

I don't remember really having that issue, but I did look older than my age.

I had my oldest at 16 & was 31 when she had her first. I got a lot of shock comments over the years when I'd say I was a grandma, usually just "you don't look old enough" & I'd be the one saying 'I started young.'

I am now 54 & have 3 adult DC, a 13 yr old DD, a 15 yr old DSS, 10 grandchildren & 1 great grandchild who is 15 months.

Over the years people have often mistaken myself & oldest DD for sisters as we look alike.

Maybe, I was judged more as a teenager than I realised. I do remember feeling awkward at times being so much younger than other mums at toddler groups.

I had my oldest at 16 & was 31 when she had her first.

Is that... normal? Don't you guys know about contraception? 😂

@stillvicarinatutu

Same I own it. I’m 34 with three kids at secondary school. Married to their dad, did an OU degree and tick all the boxes I guess. I’m at a massive advantage now career wise and my time is basically my own already. (Love having teenagers though).

It was a win win for me.

Well, obviously the comments aren't the same. It should be obvious that if a child has a child, people will not treat them the same as someone in their 30s with a career and a house having a child. Sometimes concern is well-meaning.

Normal? 🥴

These are exactly the kind of comments that piss me off. Judgemental as fuck, you should keep it to yourself.

Well I'd assume the baby at 16 wasn't planned so I'd be a bit sympathetic. Ditto if someone has their first at 45, I'd assume that wasn't in their plan.
So I might say something tactless but not really mean to criticise.

When I fell pregnant at 20 (accident), one family friend said ‘oh dear’ when I told them…needless to say I didn’t bother initiating any future conversations with them lol.

im still with my son’s father, and we have been married for 12 years (together for 18) - people are idiots

Tbh the conversation you've highlighted isn't the same as the issue you've highlighted in the OP. You said that you don't know why people should be able to demand the information from you about your child; but the woman who you spoke to didn't, she asked if you had children, you answered her by telling her yes and that your child is an adult! You could have just said yes, and then followed with a generic I know what you mean at whatever it was she was going on about, then changed the subject.

That's what I do if I don't want to divulge information, I don't.

Yes I had my dc at 17, not even by choice and was shamed by family. Had people I went to school with gossiping, of course, thankfully I was sheltered from what was said.

When I went to give birth to dc in my twenties I heard midwives discussing my age 'she's brave, ooh I'd never want that-'

I try not to let these things bother me. I've been very successful academically and career wise. I have a nice life. There's not much for people to judge about me anymore.

Looking so young myself, I also often have former teen parents approach me. People like you, who's kids grown up. There are other younger parents around, you just can't see them all the time, so not everyone will be judging.

I had a dc at 17. And in my 20's, 30's and 40's!! Reckon more interest with the last one than the first! I was a confident young dm. My dgm was a great support and I never felt judged when I knew she was behind me.
Imo people flick quickly to having been in your shoes and know they wouldn't have coped!

Yep I was a teen mother and I have a teen but also much younger children, people do the whole “ oh really?” ….” You don’t look old enough “

as long as it’s not said in malice , I might be secretly offended when that stops and I’m just viewed as an old mum 😆

Aye all the bloody time.
I had dd1 at 15
We moved into our own place when I was 18 she was 3.
Looking back I was a good mum dd was my life but people were happy to judge me.

And for me, my mother was definitely the worst. I was a slut who disgraced the family and religious community. Should allow her to adopt the baby. Nothing I did was good enough as a parent.

Even so, there were some lovely people around me, mostly friends, health professionals and teachers who were wonderful and so encouraging.

Yes I did. Even as DS grew up and started school I felt I was talked down to and judge by parents/teachers/medical staff. I had another child in my 30s and definitely a different experience.

I am in my thirties with a house and career.. why should I be treated differently than if I was in my late 40s/50s/60s with a teenager?

You're not the deepest thinker are you?
It may or may not have been consensual, either way a dim comment.

I wasn't using contraception at 13 when my predator got me pregnant. I didn't know I had any reason to need to be on it, but it doesn't stop people from assuming all sorts.

I had to wait to be 16 to be able to ask a Dr for it, only to find that because I was married the Dr now needed my husband's permission.
Because he was also my guardian I actually continued to need his consent post 18.
A decent female Dr fudged the law and got me onto an early trial for injectable contraception, which is why I stopped having children the same year. But because life has been easy and full of choices for you, it must have been the same for everyone else, right?

I'm not a young mum, I... almost was but inadvertently left till my late 30s and I regret it. I often think of my 2 school friends who had kids in their teens (and more subsequently) who now have adults and teenagers whilst I'm enjoying sleepless nights. There's obviously pros and cons to being young versus waiting. I'm not suprised people being a bit foot in mouth, saying things like you started young is probably more of suprise but I can see how rude that is. Some of the other experiences on here are so rude. Being a young mum. Has lots of advtanges. Id be very upset if someone critised me for being an old mum.

Sorry wrong quote ffs!