Say please

[slippe]

I have a two and a half year old..

Some of our relatives have taken to asking her to ' say please ' before they give her water / a cookie / whatever it is.

They then refuse to give her whatever item it is, until she says 'please'. Except, she doesn't really say please. They end up dangling the item and refusing to give it to her. Eventually they sometimes give in. Sometimes she screams and cries. She's quite defiant.

I personally don't withhold items from her until she ' says please '. I remind her that we say please and then I remind her we say thank you. She sometimes complies, sometimes she doesn't.

I think manners are important, but I'm not really enjoying how my relatives are doing it.

Am I too lax or are they a bit ridiculous ?

It's a bit shit, but I have to remind my 51 year old manager to say please,

she clearly understands what please and t you mean. If she chooses to be ‘defiant’, scream away love, you don’t get.

I agree with PPs that if she can say it then she should say it consistently.

Since DS was approaching 2 and learned to ask for things himself we’ve always modelled saying please and thank you. From the point he learned the words we’d follow his request with “What do we need to say” and he’s always responded with “Please” or “Thank you”. It’s really not difficult or too much to expect IMO.

YANBU. Of course she should learn to say please, but that is not the way to get a 2.5 year-old to learn how to interact politely fgs! She needs to be taught that saying please is nice and might get you nice things or a smile or a cuddle or a well done, not that adults leave you thirsty or hungry if you don't parrot some words they want you to say! Adults need to model the nice behaviour they want her to learn, not try and train her like a dog.

It really gives me dog Training vibes when they do it. I hate it.

Firstly a 2.5 year old isn't a baby, secondly it's not having power over someone - it's raising them with manners, thirdly I know a remarkable amount of adults who can't manage to say please or thank you. Will they say it when they're ready too?

My son was 2 in May. He's pretty advanced with speech but we always insist he says please before we bring something he asks for, and then thank you. It's setting them up to think they can be rude if you don't insist on manners. Perhaps they're overstepping but I can see why they would expect good manners. Not sure why you aren't insisting on this.

I think dangling it in her front of her is a bit cruel though as she'll get frustrated and upset.

Because I believe in following through. So if I say she can't have water unless she says please and I know she says please only sometimes, then I would have to leave her thirsty and I don't think that's fair. I will only make things conditional if I can actually follow through.

Reminding her to say please and thank you is enough for now. Praising her when she does say it is ok for now I think. I don't like treating her like a dog.

@slippe it's hardly treating your child like a dog you mentioned before she understands it and is just being defiant.

I don't like it personally.

I think she'll learn even without the dangling.

Sorry OP but you should be teaching her to say please.
We do please and thank you with our toddler, why wouldn't you want them to do that? It's not like it's being mean to tell your speaking child to say polite words!?

Im teaching but without dangling

I think what you are doing is fine.
I never tolerated relatives and/or friends trying get my DC to say "please". You need to tell them to butt out.
I also had people try to get them to say "ta", which made me want to vomit.
By 3, my DC were regularly saying "please" and "thank you" and nowadays say it without any promoting (they are 4).

I think you are a bit lax yes. Learning to say please should be second nature at this age

You're right though OP they shouldn't dangle things in front of her.. and sorry if my response sounded a bit harsh x

My older kids say please but I certainly never withheld things until they did! I just role modelled manners and they picked it up and did the same as they got older. It's you're family that have no manners and are basically ridiculing and patronising her and showing her that that is ok when it's not. You're right OP she's only 2, they are been cruel and expecting too much of her and too little of themselves.

Does the child ask for the item? If so, that's when she should say please.
If the item is being offered by an adult, without being asked, they should give it and expect a thank you - not make a fuss about please.

Yes. When they really want it they are capable of saying please.

Your relatives are in the right here.

The dangling part is twatty

You refer to dangling. How many times are they asking her to say please and how long is the interaction? If there’s the initial request and they ask her to say please a couple of times that seems normal. If it’s going on for longer I don’t understand why. If I knew my child was being defiant and was an age where they clearly knew how to ask politely then I would tell them to come back to me when they can ask properly. The thing I hated was people asking my DC to say ta rather than thank you.

yabu

Please and thank you are my absolute pet peeves. I know she's little still but it's something I'd be working on just as hard at home because manners are important and take us a long way. My nephew never says please or thank you and while I don't correct him that strongly unless he's in my house and I'm minding him I do cringe at times. I will however settle for a "tata" if they don't say please at the start but if they don't say either I would bring them back and ask them to say tata and generally they will without getting distressed over it. Though I also wouldn't get up to get what they want until they say please in the first place because when they see it they just want it which is going to be harder on them.

What are her language skills like?
Some children of 2.5 are still learning how to structure sentences. Your child is verbalising that she needs/wants something, adding please will come when her language develops.

Are all the adults in her life modelling the behaviour they want to see? Do they always say please and thank you to her when asking her to do something - putting shoes on, passing something, closing a door or whatever?