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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have took money out of it the joint account

78 replies

Sistersister90 · 09/09/2022 16:56

DH has had a right go at me this evening because I took some money out of the joint account (not much). I have paid for all the kids uniforms etc not a penny has come from him. I also pay nursery fees myself and he has the cheek to say I don’t pay any bills. Everything the kids need I get for them. I wouldn’t mind but he earns 60k a year. I save him so much money on childcare. Feel like upping my hours if I’m honest, then he will feel the pinch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sistersister90 · 09/09/2022 18:37

It varies? Him mostly I would say but I top up a lot.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 18:38

FFS mate. You are in the position I fucking HATE hearing about - bloke “pays the bills” and woman pays all the other extortionate costs that add up and up and up the more children you have.

What to do.

Add up ALL the money coming into the household from 2 adults.

Add up ALL the costs - bills, food, petrol, insurances, nursery, a cost for Christmas and birthday presents & kids clothes & days out.

See what is left. Each adult gets 50% of what’s left over.

If this is not acceptable, think very seriously about leaving and how much you’d get in child maintenance and benefit top-ups.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/09/2022 18:40

Why have you put up with this for so long?

Are they his children? If they are then he's some prick valuing drink money above their uniform and needs.

Why do some women have such a low bar for a life partner?...Let alone having kids with them.

ScarletWitchM · 09/09/2022 18:44

icklekid · 09/09/2022 18:05

Bills including nursery and children clothing etc should ALL come out of joint account. Put both salaries into one account and then transfer out an equal amount so that you both have spending money for personal things. If he doesn’t think this is fair explain this is what being in a partnership is about!!

This ☝️
the way we do it is put down all shared expenses first, like mortgage, life insurance, home insurance etc. etc we also plan for saving some money into various pots if we can afford it.

we budget for the shared costs and put in an equal amount to the joint acc then use what we have left for our own expenses and spending or saving

Darbs76 · 09/09/2022 18:45

I say this as someone who has been an idiot paying for everything for the kids for years, meanwhile ex partner saves up his money and is the hero of the hour supporting kids through Uni. Make a change now. Tell him you’re not happy he’s made this comment and write down all the bills and show him how much you’re spending. Where is the rest of his earnings going? Into his savings account? I’d be fuming he didn’t thank my parents for a free holiday. Disgusting. If you don’t change things now, believe me you’ll be like me, an idiot

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/09/2022 18:47

You need to sit down and have a discussion about finances.

Lay it out on the line...

How much you earn
How much he earns
How much you spend on family
How much he spends on family
How much you have left for you
How much he has left for him

You need to discuss a fairer way to do things.

RandomMess · 09/09/2022 18:48

Tell him he pays for it ALL from now and when he gives you receipts you will pay him back in ratio to your earnings.

I'd be beyond livid.

He seems to think the DC are your hobby to pay for.

Presumably he wanted to have DC?

RandomMess · 09/09/2022 18:49

Why aren't you both making the most of tax free childcare vouchers?

southlondoner02 · 09/09/2022 18:52

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 18:38

FFS mate. You are in the position I fucking HATE hearing about - bloke “pays the bills” and woman pays all the other extortionate costs that add up and up and up the more children you have.

What to do.

Add up ALL the money coming into the household from 2 adults.

Add up ALL the costs - bills, food, petrol, insurances, nursery, a cost for Christmas and birthday presents & kids clothes & days out.

See what is left. Each adult gets 50% of what’s left over.

If this is not acceptable, think very seriously about leaving and how much you’d get in child maintenance and benefit top-ups.

This is what we do - 50% each of any disposable income. If you're not doing an all in joint account it's the fairest way to split everything.

If he won't agree to something fairer then I would be rethinking the relationship, as he's not respecting your contribution at all

Minimalme · 09/09/2022 19:09

Well, he will either step up and start paying for his kids or he will continue the financial abuse.

Since he has been like this for four years and you have rewarded him by bearing him another child, I'm guessing the latter.

Which leaves you two options:

Stay
Leave

People don't change. Don't be someone who wastes her best years waiting for him to 'realise' and 'change his ways'.

Original poster
Sistersister90 · 09/09/2022 19:14

But I wouldn’t cope financially would I? How would I manage? My wages full time would not cover it.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 19:16

Sistersister90 · 09/09/2022 19:14

But I wouldn’t cope financially would I? How would I manage? My wages full time would not cover it.

Have you looked on the internet entitledto website to see what support you might be able to get?

ScarletWitchM · 09/09/2022 19:48

Agree this is the right way to do it x

ScarletWitchM · 09/09/2022 19:50

Sorry thought this had taken the PP reply into it! Basically share all your incoming financial info and then budget out what is shared and keep the rest individually or put into shared savings

Cakeandcardio · 09/09/2022 19:56

Munchyseeds2 · 09/09/2022 17:26

I really don't understand this way of thinking! ...everything in/out of a joint account, I earn much less but we are a team, never had an issue, both have full access and I can buy what I like
I must be just lucky I think

We are the same, I'm part time. When I was full time we earned roughly the same. I think it should be the norm and anything else is financial abuse.

bringbackveronicamars · 09/09/2022 19:58

If he won't sit down and discuss a more equitable split based on your incomes and the needs of the children while they're super young, then he's not interested in being a proper team with you (family).

I'd get legal advice about what you'd be entitled to if you separated if he won't change his behaviour in regards to money and realities of family, childcare, and home chores, etc

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/09/2022 07:40

You'd be fine financially if you want to leave. Between your wage, child benefit, child maintenance from him (calc online) and UC, you'll be able to live and get started on your own. You can get an advance on UC for setup costs that's interest free too so if you needed money for a rental deposit etc it's there (if you were the one to leave the home).

ChampagneLassie · 10/09/2022 07:47

I would recommend running all joint expenses through the joint account and you each paying enough in to cover this. Then the rest of your money is your own for personal expenses. If you pay sane amounts this will leave you with very little. You need to have a chat and ask him what is fair and discuss the work/time with children pay off. Discuss persobak expenses too. Surely he wouldn't want you not being able yk afford hair do whilst he swans off on weekends away. If this turns into a argument or you can't come yo an agreement I'd suggest counselling. Splitting up will cost you both a lot more.

Userg1234 · 10/09/2022 08:00

Maybe I'm very old fashioned but growing up almost all the men I knew, well the ones I look up to made sure that all the bills were paid, kids sorted for uniforms etc before they had anything themselves, ditto for the women.
it's a joint account. It's for house expenses.

my old fashioned view that a husband's job is to take care of his family. I haven't expressed that well but he should be putting you, the kids and the house first not expecting you to deal with all the kids expenses especially if he earns much more than you.
we always done it that all money is ours. Jointly. I now have a fun money account now I've retired but that's for security so if I lose the card, get scammed etc we will only lose a few hundred

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2022 08:07

Sistersister90 · 09/09/2022 19:14

But I wouldn’t cope financially would I? How would I manage? My wages full time would not cover it.

Go on the EntitledTo website and put in figures for a possible split - what you could earn, what your rent might be (assuming the house would need to be sold), what your childcare bills are. See what benefits you would be given. It will be more than you think.

Go and look at the CMS calculator. Figure out what he’s liable to pay in maintenance.

Think about how long till you don’t have big nursery bills to pay, and what that does to your ability to earn.

You’re in a better position than a lot of women because you haven’t given up your job.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/09/2022 08:31

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 18:38

FFS mate. You are in the position I fucking HATE hearing about - bloke “pays the bills” and woman pays all the other extortionate costs that add up and up and up the more children you have.

What to do.

Add up ALL the money coming into the household from 2 adults.

Add up ALL the costs - bills, food, petrol, insurances, nursery, a cost for Christmas and birthday presents & kids clothes & days out.

See what is left. Each adult gets 50% of what’s left over.

If this is not acceptable, think very seriously about leaving and how much you’d get in child maintenance and benefit top-ups.

This. This is what is fair and what you need to aim for. I bet you do all the pick ups, drop offs, sick days and cooking, cleaning and childcare too, while he's out enjoying himself

He seems to think the DC are your hobby to pay for

Sounds like this is how he sees it, and a lot of men do. It never seems to occur to them that children and houses need looking after and both parents are jointly responsible. I saw it on FB once when a man commented that if his DW was allowed to have a cleaner, that mean that he could have golf membership to make it fair. He genuinely saw her spending money on outsourcing some of their domestic shit that no doubt he didn't pull his weight with as part of her hobby spending. Infuriating.

AdamnEden2 · 10/09/2022 08:32

I agree
Write down both incomes
Pension contributions
Then all bills, including childcare
Do you save some each month
Is there any left to share between you both ?

I would be looking at going back to work FT & sharing the child care costs

TheEggChair · 10/09/2022 08:33

He is financially abusive which is illegal.

Cakecakecheese · 10/09/2022 09:11

Google financial abuse and get help.

Greybutterfly · 10/09/2022 09:34

Go back to work full time. Make your pension contributions and split everything 50-50

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