"I could not be funded by a man" - Really?

[aokii]

I have noticed that this line, " I could not be funded by a man" is often trotted out on here. Frequently, it is directed at SAHMs.

I take issue with this for two reasons -

1. Unless you are in the type of marriage where you have totally separate funds, you are inevitably being "funded by a man" to a greater or lesser extent anyway - particularly if you are the lower earner or you work part-time.

2. Unlike in families where there are two working parents, a family with a SAHM is not going to be paying childcare costs. So although the SAHM is obviously not doing paid work, her role is still a direct and significant saving.

No doubt people will come on now and talk about "financial vulnerability," re- SAHMs and this is a fair point. However, it is far from a given that SAHMs are any more financially vulnerable than the next woman. Nobody should ever just assume this.

I'm aware that there will be many women who earn more than their husbands and have separate finances. There will be couples who both work flexibly around each other and will argue a SAHP would not be a saving for them as they don't need to use childcare anyway, etc etc. But I less interested in personal anecdotes. I'm talking more generally about the vast majority of families with parents who both work and have shared finances. Could they honestly say they could maintain the same lifestyle without their DH's income coming into the household? If "no," then they are at least part-funded by a man surely?

AIBU to say that before tossing out the line, "I could not be funded by a man," people on here should look at themselves.

The reason we've probably hit 'peak equality' in your version of feminism TopGub, is because its not yet ready to square up to the reality that men and women may want different things and react differently, especially when children come along. And more importantly - that should be ok. It always strikes me that the 'feminism' purported on here is very insecure and running scared from that reality. It demands (some) women to deny how they feel and second guess their instincts. It's all too prescriptive. There is still a massive need to challenge the patriarchy, but not in a way that is self-defeatist because it has to squash all women into one box.

@Howardsbend

You said you were not happy to hear my opinion.

What is that except an attempt to silence?

If you could quote these personal attacks that would be great.

Also interested to hear the posts you consider derisory?

Everyone judges something. It's a fairly normal part of human nature.

I dont judge women who don't want to work personally. That's their choice to make. But even if I did, so what?! Why would they even care?

People judge working mothers all the time in far worse ways than sahms ever are.

Do I care? Not even a tiny bit. I mean I'll argue to the death they're taking shite but I don't care or feel judged on a personal level

It really baffles me the pure utter absolute offence that sahms take to their role being criticised.

To the extent it always descends into personal attacks and cries of shut up and go away we dont want to hear it.

Nowt queer as folk as they say.

@aokii

No.

You're right.

I'm not willing to accept that men should be held to different standards than women.

Especially not when it comes to caring for their children

Nobody is criticising you or you family set-up Topgub. Not one iota. Not one person has criticised you or your family or any family with working parents on this thread.

Yet you have been here persistently pontificating about SAHMs for five days.

Can you really not see the difference?

Ummm.

One of the first comments on this thread (now deleted) was someone saying that women who worked couldn't get someone to fund them and I very obviously meant in general. Not just on your thread

If you didn't want discuss your op, why post it?

And you and others have repeatedly criticised me so don't act all coy now.

You (and some others to be fair) have twisted the thread to a different thread altogether. My point in the OP was what it was.

Its not the fact you disagree. Not at all. It's the way you disagree. Your logic process and the way you interpret what people say to you seems to be slightly different, let's just say that.

No one has criticised you

Yes they have

Well it's your own fault, we don't like what you say or how you say it!

🤣

How could I possibly criticise you or your family set-up Topgub. What is there to even say? "I'm Toogub and I work and so does my DH but at different times and we have some family help." Er, ok. Why on earth would anyone have an issue with that?

Huh.

And you have the cheek to say Your logic process and the way you interpret what people say to you seems to be slightly different about me?

🤣

I didnt say anyone criticised my family set up. I said they criticised me.

I am critical if your posting style yes, because you badger people with inane questions and the same set phrases over and over. I don't think you even realise when you're insulting people and there is never any nuance or development to your arguments.

How does this work when as a male/female couple you get a mortgage.
If a man out earns you, do you not take account of his income and get a smaller mortgage/place because living in a bigger house would mean your husband was supporting you to have a larger house.

What happens if you split up and have to sell?
Do you only take the percentage increase of what you could have afforded on your own. Or do you split the larger amount 50/50

If you are married or in a ltr you are a team.
I would find it odd that someone would be so rigid in not taking any support.
I would think someone didn’t want a ltr relationship and was putting boundaries up.
It comes across as separating yourself from the team.

If you are in a ltr whether married or not there are times when your partner/husband needs your support and there are times when you need support from him.

I would say if you never want to be supported by a man then don’t get into a relationship. Life can throw some real hard times at you even if you have planned and put everything in place to cover all possible outcomes. Not to accept help at any point from the person you share your life with will just make a shitty situation needlessly worse

I dont judge women who don't want to work personally. That's their choice to make. But even if I did, so what?! Why would they even care?

People judge working mothers all the time in far worse ways than sahms ever are.

Do I care? Not even a tiny bit. I mean I'll argue to the death they're taking shite but I don't care or feel judged on a personal level

It really baffles me the pure utter absolute offence that sahms take to their role being criticised.

When SAHMs reply to you, you always accuse them of being offended. Yet when you reply it's just you arguing 'they're talking shite'.

Why do people name change so often on this site?

Its weird.

@murderousbiscuits

Yes, that's correct.

The difference is obvious. To me anyway

@aokii

I'm crushed.

🤣

You're not the first to criticise me abd I doubt you'll be the last. Its common when people can't debate the actual points.

Good job I dont care either way eh?

People are very patient with you to be honest Topgub and you only really have one point, so not much to debate.

The difference is obvious. To me anyway
Predictable. I'm not offended though so your wrong.

@murderousbiscuits

Good for you?

It's is rather, thanks.

Did you name change just to say that?

😬

Its a bit daft those saying they reject feminism on the basis of some strident disagreement about being funded by a man. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water!
I've been on the wrong side of the feminist debate about cosmetic surgery, make up and so forth, many times. But that's fine, I'm comfortable with my choices where that's concerned and know that I can be supportive of an ideology that strives to improve things for women without being a poster child for every single feminist ideal.

😂 as if!

I reject feminism based on my observation of feminists. 😂 Sadly, it's become a bit like the men's rights scene.

At face value who wouldn't support men's rights, but in reality it's become overrun with incels and misogynists, just like how feminism harbors a lot of embittered negative women that just don't seem to like men.

Most of us want equality but also want a partner and to get on with men, not elope to some feminist utopia free of all those with a penis.

I'm not sure you can really liken women telling other women to get men to do more childcare to men telling other men to rape and murder women. Yes some women dont like men and are vocal about it on this women centred forum. But truly, what risk does that pose to men, their safety and their 'rights'?
And given feminism is the reason I can vote, own property, now have at least a level of protection from some of the worst discrimination I encountered at work when I was younger, and actually have the choice whether to work or stay home in the first place...if the odd woman wants to criticise my domestics or disapprove of my lipstick, it's a small price to pay. I can always argue my corner if I think she's wrong.

Exactly!