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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is friend avoiding me because of Dd

86 replies

Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 20:50

Have a mum friend who I’ve known since our dcs were little babies, we’ve seen each other fairly regularly over this time. My Dd has had some health issues since last autumn and her behaviour can be unpredictable at times…but as can most 3/4 year olds. The last time our dcs played together, they had little fights-a bit from both sides…her ds grabbing my Dds things and her going nuts and chasing and hitting him. I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age. My friend regularly says she doesn’t want to go to such and such a play date as she doesn’t want a certain child around her Ds and often says her ds is scared of them. Her ds is lovely, but also no more an angel than the other kids.
Recently she’s not been texting to meet up as much and I’ve texted, she’s not as keen or agrees to plans then cancels.
I’m quite aware of dd being a bit more challenging at the moment, but this makes me sad if she’s including her on the list of kids she doesn’t want her ds around
Aibu to think she may be doing this? And also Aibu to think that’s unfair on the kids and I wouldn’t do this?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/09/2022 20:53

When you say 'hitting him' what do you mean, and how quickly are parents intervening?

AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2022 20:53

Sounds like she's doing that, not much you can do about it though, just get on with your life!

phishy · 07/09/2022 20:55

I think she’s being a bit precious about her ds but what does your dd ‘going nuts’ involve? It does sound annoying, maybe she doesn’t to be around that.

Whether it’s fair or unfair on the kids is irrelevant, she is entitled to see who she wants, you and your dd are now owed time with them.

Does she ever discipline her ds?

phishy · 07/09/2022 20:57

*not owed

And dd hitting him is not ok! does her ds hit your dd?

Loachworks · 07/09/2022 20:57

I have 3DC. The youngest is almost sixteen but I don't remember them hitting anyone at 3/4. That's nursery/school age and I wouldn't let my child be hit by another at 3/4. I don't think it's as normal as you think it is.

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 20:59

He grabs her things and deliberately runs off with them and she cries and he laughs etc, then she hit him-I disciplined her straightaway the time it happened and we went home. He’s pushed her over before and other kids

OP posts:
SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 07/09/2022 21:01

I imagine your friend has backed off due to your daughter's 'unpredictable behaviour', which has recently involved her going 'nuts' and hitting him.
Yep, I imagine that's it.
There's no way I'd want my DC around another child who acted like that.

pictish · 07/09/2022 21:01

Maybe her son doesn’t like your daughter. Sorry to be blunt but if she’s a bitty hitty he’s probably not enjoying her company and might have expressed as much to his mum. It’s not fair to make wee ones hang out with other kids they’d really rather not. I remember facing a similar situation when my eldest was about that age. The friendship was beneficial to me but doing nothing for him. I backed off from the play dates. Didn’t see there was much else I could do.

Crimsonripple · 07/09/2022 21:03

"The last time our dcs played together, they had little fights-a bit from both sides…her ds grabbing my Dds things and her going nuts and chasing and hitting him. I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age"

I'm sorry but I don't think this is normal behaviour. It also doesn't sound like your DD is very nice to the other child. I think this is why she's backed off.

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:06

Her Ds pushes other kids over and grabs their toys and runs off, I still see it as part of them growing up and don’t hold it against him. My Dd plays nicely with others, her best friend on the street etc. Maybe it’s a bad combo together, but they sort of love each other 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps we should meet up but with no kids instead

OP posts:
pictish · 07/09/2022 21:10

I think meeting up without the kids is a great idea.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2022 21:12

I’ve got a 3 year old and run a baby and toddler group. No child I know that age hits another, I don’t see much taking of toys and running away either tbh but they’re not in the same ball park. I’d be livid if DD hit another child and extremely unimpressed if one hit her.

As you say, maybe they’re a bad mix at the moment.

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 21:15

I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age
Sorry, but no. Most 3/4 year old's don't routinely hit other children.

grosgirl · 07/09/2022 21:17

Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:06

Her Ds pushes other kids over and grabs their toys and runs off, I still see it as part of them growing up and don’t hold it against him. My Dd plays nicely with others, her best friend on the street etc. Maybe it’s a bad combo together, but they sort of love each other 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps we should meet up but with no kids instead

I don’t think either of those things are normal! My DS is 4 and has never taken another child’s things and run away, pushed other children or hit other children. I’d be pretty mortified if he did any of those things. We’re also regularly with other children his age and I can certainly count on one hand the number of times he’s been on the receiving end of that sort of behaviour: it’s not normal at all in my opinion.

Thinkbiglittleone · 07/09/2022 21:23

It's not the norm for 3/4 year olds to be hitting, they should know that's unacceptable.

I would accept that you friend had every right to stop putting her DS in situations she knows will result in him being upset, it's not being precious, it's teaching kids it's ok to take a step back from people who hit you.

I think keep meeting up as friends without the kids and the kids may come back together once She stops hitting and laughing at him being upset.

Doidontimmm · 07/09/2022 21:23

My friend of 20 years and I stopped meeting up when our kids were that age as they were a pain together so we met without them for a year or so! Just had an honest conversation. Now they are 21 and we are still good friends and the kids still chat :)

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:24

@Thinkbiglittleone She never laughed at him being upset? He laughed at her being upset after taking her things off her and running off with them, not giving them back

OP posts:
Blev2022 · 07/09/2022 21:27

My daughter can get angry and hit her younger brother (she has always had issues with him being alive since day one 😅) but he also gives back as good as he can get. Neither of them hit other people though. My DD did used to push other children when aged 2 but grew out of it by 3. However she has a friend who is 3 who still hits and has hit her a few times, but he was a super chilled 2 year old compared to her! She always cries when this happens and me and mum intervene, all is forgotten in 2 mins.

I think if her child is delibrately taking things from yours and tormenting her and the mother isn't disciplining him at this point I feel sorry for your DD. Because she really has little control if he chooses to behave in that way and it also osjr fair. I wouldn't stop seeing you if I were your friend, I would tell my child not to do what your friends child is doing, and I'd also tell your child hitting is wrong. I'm sure she will grow out of it.

Arewerelated · 07/09/2022 21:30

The hitting isn't something I would accept I'm sorry.he shouldn't be teasing her but the hitting isn't something that mamy other parents will accept as normal

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:36

@Blev2022 This is how feel, but others here don’t seem to 😬I see a few of them doing various things. They’ve only just turned 4 and it has calmed but around 3 onwards, they were all arguing at certain points with one another. Dd was such a calm, happy toddler

OP posts:
Msloverlover · 07/09/2022 21:38

They just don’t sound like they get on. There is definitely a point where you stop being able to force kids together because of convenience if it is obvious they are winding each other up (that’s what family is for..).

I have a friend who’s child I love dearly, but don’t like the way he plays with my daughter. I don’t suggest play dates any more. We socialise outside of the children instead.

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:38

@Doidontimmm Sounds like maybe it’s the way forward…we get on well and I don’t want it spoiling by the kids 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 21:40

@Msloverlover The sad thing is that my Dd adores him…I’ve no idea why, when he does the things he does

OP posts:
Blev2022 · 07/09/2022 21:48

@Dorothywasrightthough if your daughter plays fine with everyone else and it's just this one boy she's reactive with it says to me she obviously can be in situations without hitting so in this particular one she doesn't feel in control. I 100% agree hitting isn't right but I also think the other child's behaviour isn't right. If as an adult we had a friend who delibrately wound us up we just wouldn't see them anymore, your daughter isn't really getting that option and if the other parent is letting her child act like that, then maybe it's her last resort. As other posters have said id just keep them apart as they don't seem to get on, but keep in touch with your friend without kids involved :)

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 21:54

Maybe it’s the boy who has said he doesn’t want to see your daughter rather than it being driven by your friend?

I’ve had a similar case in the past and it made it incredibly awkward, but when my son said he didn’t want to play with the other boy for ‘x’ reason then I took that on board and respected it. FWIW, my son being hit by the other boy was the main reason for my son not wanting to see him anymore.

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