Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is friend avoiding me because of Dd

86 replies

Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 20:50

Have a mum friend who I’ve known since our dcs were little babies, we’ve seen each other fairly regularly over this time. My Dd has had some health issues since last autumn and her behaviour can be unpredictable at times…but as can most 3/4 year olds. The last time our dcs played together, they had little fights-a bit from both sides…her ds grabbing my Dds things and her going nuts and chasing and hitting him. I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age. My friend regularly says she doesn’t want to go to such and such a play date as she doesn’t want a certain child around her Ds and often says her ds is scared of them. Her ds is lovely, but also no more an angel than the other kids.
Recently she’s not been texting to meet up as much and I’ve texted, she’s not as keen or agrees to plans then cancels.
I’m quite aware of dd being a bit more challenging at the moment, but this makes me sad if she’s including her on the list of kids she doesn’t want her ds around
Aibu to think she may be doing this? And also Aibu to think that’s unfair on the kids and I wouldn’t do this?

OP posts:
Dontstopmenowimhavingaball · 07/09/2022 21:57

Why would you want your dd around her kid if he’s that bad?

rainbowmilk · 07/09/2022 22:04

Of course you’re being unreasonable. Your DD isn’t entitled to a friend that she can “go nuts with” and hit, nor are you to insist that your friend provides her with one.

moonypadfootprongs · 07/09/2022 22:06

My word there's a lot of people with perfect kids on here!
3/4 years olds loose their temper occasionally! That's normal! It's not great but it happens!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2022 22:10

No one is claiming to have perfect children. Those of us who spend a lot of time with this age group don’t think the behaviours being discussed are normal. Of course all children get angry, as do adults. It’s our job as parents to show them how to express that, preferably in healthy non harmful ways. Literally no one is bragging, people are giving opinions based on their own experiences which is presumably what OP wanted and the consensus is hitting at 4 isn’t something most people would tolerate.

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 22:12

moonypadfootprongs · 07/09/2022 22:06

My word there's a lot of people with perfect kids on here!
3/4 years olds loose their temper occasionally! That's normal! It's not great but it happens!

No, 4 year old's who don't hit are not perfect, they just don't hit. Why do you think this is unusual?
A lot of just turned 4 year old's have started school, they're not toddlers any more.

Mariposista · 07/09/2022 22:12

If someone else’s kid was thumping mine, I would stay away too.

beebopper6 · 07/09/2022 22:23

I don't think you should assume or mind read. There are lots of reasons she could have gone quiet, most having nothing to do with you.

lochmaree · 07/09/2022 22:26

@AnneLovesGilbert is regular hitting / aggressive behaviour unusual for a just turned 3 yo? just curious as my very good friends 3 yo regularly hits or hurts other children, often hitting their head or throwing something at their head. I have a 2.5yo DS and tend to avoid seeing her while I've got him because he doesn't really like being around her DD having been on the receiving end quite a few times. At playgroups she will pretty quickly start grabbing toys from other kids, hitting, pushing etc. She has a baby brother and he is often hit or thrown off his bouncer etc.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/09/2022 22:29

They do sound like a bad combination, and you also sound very critical of your friend's son. I think meeting up without children is the way forward, and also try to avoid discussing them.

moonypadfootprongs · 07/09/2022 22:33

Bear in mind that current 3/4 year olds have been in lockdown / living through covid through a very significant part of their childhood. Learning to share and how to handle emotional social situations hasn't been straightforward for them.
Is it really a surprise that some are struggling a little bit?!

bloodyunicorns · 07/09/2022 22:39

We're only getting your side of the story here. If you think your dd is challenging and she hits other dc, it might be a lot worse than you think!

As for not seeing other dc not being fair, if my dc was being hit regularly by another dc, not seeing them would be fairer for my dc, and I wouldn't care if it was fair for your dc!

dalilicios · 07/09/2022 22:56

3 and 4 year olds do hit as they go through phases especially out of frustration and especially if they can't communicate. Their age means their emotions are still jumpy. My ds is at that stage where he never used to hit until recently but more at me he will lash out. He is slightly speech delayed! Take a trip to the parenting board and you will see it is more common than you think. But saying all of this, I wouldn't put my ds who is still unpredictable in a situation where he would be wound up easily. I think you should take a step back and make sure your daughter isn't forced to play with children where they tease her and infuriate her until her emotions settle.

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 22:59

@bloodyunicorns Its not regularly

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:00

@dalilicios Yes, I’m an Early years teacher and also agree it’s fairly common as I’ve seen with a fair few of the children, not as a regular thing, but it certainly does happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:01

@moonypadfootprongs That’s true

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:02

@Mariposista Its not thumping, it’s hitting after being teased and wanting her toy back, definitely not acceptable but also somewhat understandable given the circumstances

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 23:02

Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:00

@dalilicios Yes, I’m an Early years teacher and also agree it’s fairly common as I’ve seen with a fair few of the children, not as a regular thing, but it certainly does happen.

Really? You see it a lot?

Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:04

@moonypadfootprongs Exactly! I feel like all my friends kids and mine are wonderful, but this does happen

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:04

@Johnnysgirl *Not as a regular thing, but it certainly does happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:06

@Dontstopmenowimhavingaball He’s a nice kid, as they all are, I enjoy my friends company and my Dd loves him, regardless of spats they get into

OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 07/09/2022 23:13

I have to say, I agree that it's not the norm for 3/4 yrs old to be hitting. Your situation reminds me of mine the now. My friend, of a very long time, her dd has wild tantrums - hits/throws/pushes and she is 5! My dd is 9 and can't bare to be around her. That sounds harsh but it's true. And it would be wrong of me to force her to be around her. I now have to avoid anything that involves doing anything with her where both kids will be together, for example, going to zoo / fairground etc but especially going to her house. I tend to now only go to her house without my Dd now. The biggest issue is there is no discipline with my friends dd so the awful behaviour continues regardless of what she does and how old she gets. They wanted to come on holiday with us and my dd's response was - but Mum, she will ruin the holiday with her behaviour - and she is right, it would ruin the holiday because my friends dd's behaviour is unbearable. My advice is if you want to maintain your friendship then just see her when it's just yous adults, your kids don't have to be friends. And keep on top of discipline.

Mariposista · 07/09/2022 23:18

Dorothywasrightthough · 07/09/2022 23:02

@Mariposista Its not thumping, it’s hitting after being teased and wanting her toy back, definitely not acceptable but also somewhat understandable given the circumstances

You teach her to come and find an adult if someone is being mean to her, rather than hurt them back. If she starts hitting the other children at school every time someone winds her up (and they will), she will be facing a lot of missed playtimes.

Nymeria6 · 07/09/2022 23:24

I avoid my sis in law because her children are nightmares. I even avoid my mum in laws when I know the kids are there.

I wouldn't want my children around them because the girl (7) is dangerous and can't turn your back on her for a second. No way is that a good time for anyone.

Her boy might not want to see your dd.

iwannabea · 07/09/2022 23:28

most kids aren’t hitters at that age. I’d be keeping my child away from yours too

Scaredypup · 07/09/2022 23:32

Loachworks · 07/09/2022 20:57

I have 3DC. The youngest is almost sixteen but I don't remember them hitting anyone at 3/4. That's nursery/school age and I wouldn't let my child be hit by another at 3/4. I don't think it's as normal as you think it is.

I work with that age. It’s very normal.

Swipe left for the next trending thread