Is friend avoiding me because of Dd

[Dorothywasrightthough]

Have a mum friend who I’ve known since our dcs were little babies, we’ve seen each other fairly regularly over this time. My Dd has had some health issues since last autumn and her behaviour can be unpredictable at times…but as can most 3/4 year olds. The last time our dcs played together, they had little fights-a bit from both sides…her ds grabbing my Dds things and her going nuts and chasing and hitting him. I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age. My friend regularly says she doesn’t want to go to such and such a play date as she doesn’t want a certain child around her Ds and often says her ds is scared of them. Her ds is lovely, but also no more an angel than the other kids.
Recently she’s not been texting to meet up as much and I’ve texted, she’s not as keen or agrees to plans then cancels.
I’m quite aware of dd being a bit more challenging at the moment, but this makes me sad if she’s including her on the list of kids she doesn’t want her ds around
Aibu to think she may be doing this? And also Aibu to think that’s unfair on the kids and I wouldn’t do this?

They really do. Maybe not all of them but I work with that age and it happens multiple times a day. It’s completely normal.

They way you describe it isn’t ‘normal’ no. But, it does depend a little on context. Lashing out when having toys snatched off them or their game disrupted due to poor emotional regulation is more common. Language delays can also cause that type of behaviour.

If our kids were bickering then I’d avoid you too.
Even at 3-4 my daughter had friends she never had issues with and I’d meet up with them.

@Scaredypup Hallelujah, exactly, I see it too, it’s pretty normal as an Early years teacher to witness this when they’re that young

@Mariposista It’s ok, I know what
to teach my child, she’s taught these things, but is still very young and obviously finds it challenging to regulate her emotions under that circumstance

Honestly he sounds like a pita and your dd isn't mature enough to not react in an inappropriate manner

She will end up with no friends

I just think you should just focus on your daughter and actually protect her from these types of situations and actually and don't force relationships. Just because you are close friends doesn't mean your dd has to be. She's not at a age where she can walk away if someone teases her on purpose. Your friends son would annoy the hell out of me as well and I'm a adult especially if your friend doesn't intervene when he provokes or pokes the hornets nest, not that I'm saying it's ok for your dd or my ds to go and kick the said child after being provoked but if the parent is sitting there and allowing her child to snatch toys and tease my child then I would be the first one to take step back and try a play date a year later once they both mature or not do play dates at all. Your dd would soon mature in that area as I'm sure you're working on "no hitting" and if she's going to nursery right now the teachers there navigate stuff like this many times a day.

Yes she is avoiding you because of this. It's understandable I'm sorry

It appears to be random and not a retaliation to anything. e.g. she has grabbed my DS hair with both hands and pulled really hard while shaking his head around, he was standing a couple of metres from her and doing absolutely nothing, no toys involved. e.g.2 one time at the park, my DS was standing watching the buses (we were fenced in) and she marched over to him from quite a distance and smacked him on the head, again no toys involved and there was no interactions between them in the period before her reaction. her speech is really good, she's very bright and aware.

I think you are being unreasonable to think it’s unfair on the kids and would be very wary of getting them together. The one 3/4 year old who was a hitter/kicker towards my DS (who has always been a very gentle child) is now a 7 year old who recently pushed my DS off some play equipment unprovoked. Thankfully he wasn’t seriously injured but it could have been much worse and I regret not acting on my misgivings and stopping contact a long time ago. It’s also a natural consequence that kids don’t want to play with kids who hurt them!

If she has a list of children her son won’t have play dates with she’ll have no-one left for him to play with soon 😂Also children can and do hit and push each other and grab toys at this age,3/4 -it’s not exactly unknown-until they reach a certain age to deal with things a bit better.For the record I’ve worked with children over 20+ years now.
All you can do is concentrate on your child-sounds like you did the right thing and it’s good to see you actually dealt with it.

From what you've said, it seems like they are as bad as each other. If she plays nicely with her other friends, then its most likely a case of her and this boy just rubbing each other up the wrong way. If you want to maintain this friendship with the mum, then I agree that meeting up without the kids might be the way to go. Once the kids are a bit older, there might be a chance to form a better friendship.

As for 3/4 year olds being past the hitting stage, I have worked in infant's classes (EYFS and year 1) and hitting does still happen there and these kids are 5/6.

I just think you should just focus on your daughter and actually protect her from these types of situations and actually and don't force relationships

I agree. Why aren’t you protecting your daughter from this boy? He clearly doesn’t things for a reaction which your daughter is obliging him with. Keep away for her sake!

It sounds a bit like you think your daughter’s hitting is justified due to this boy’s actions, so I wonder how effective you are at correcting her. The friend could be avoiding you because your daughter hits, because you don’t effectively deal with it, or because she doesn’t like the aggression forming between the two kids.

@Herejustforthisone

I'm not sure where you got that impression from. OP has said that she does discipline her daughter as soon as it happens. She has mentioned the boy's actions to show that it is not all one sided In this case, the background info has been pretty important. If she hadn't explained that her daughter could play nicely with other children and that she wasn't lashing out unprovoked then everyone would have dived on here to tell her what a nightmarish little terror she has raised. As it is, it sounds like these two kids just can't play with each other nicely and should be kept apart for the time being.

I have a 4yo and would not be setting him up to be hit by another kid, sorry. Some kids will occasionally lash out but in all the many playdates over the last year I can only think of 3 kids who've done this. Then a few incidents from pre-school not involving DS but invoicing 2 of those same kids. Hitting and chasing is a step up again, it sounds like a big.loss of adult control of the situation as well as the kids, why were they on their own if you know she can't control herself? You really need to take on board that most 3/4yo children do not behave like this on playdates. Spend some time reinforcing with DD that physical violence isn't acceptable, and work on alternative options for managing her anger. Ask the pre-school for help.

I’m not being unkind, I’m just wondering if the OP’s correction is as effective as she thinks.

I got the impression she thinks her daughter’s behaviour is in part justified because of these statements, among others (obviously haven’t included the wider context but it’s there in the OP’s posts):

obviously finds it challenging to regulate her emotions under that circumstance

The sad thing is that my Dd adores him…I’ve no idea why, when he does the things he does

definitely not acceptable but also somewhat understandable given the circumstances

@Mollymalone123 But she always blames the other children 🙈he’s very babied too and still has a dummy, sippy cup etc

It's like you're painting him out to be the problem. He grabs toys, kids do that. Your daughter hits. That's completely unacceptable. I think you're seeing your daughter through rose tinted glasses here. Her behaviour is unacceptable and you should be dealing with the violence.

Honestly the way you speak about him is very sneery. I am wondering whether it is you she is avoiding? I stopped seeing a mum friend because I could tell she didn't like DS.

he’s very babied too and still has a dummy, sippy cup etc

The sad thing is that my Dd adores him…I’ve no idea why, when he does the things he does

I agree that some (not most) 3/4 year olds hit on occasion. It’s not ideal but it’s within the range of normal behaviour.

But it’s fine for her to choose not to see your DD for whatever reason she likes. Maybe she feels the two of them aren’t a good combination, maybe her son has asked not to see DD (I agree with pp that sometimes it comes from the child not the parent), maybe she thinks that her own son’s behaviour is worse than usual when he’s with DD.

Just accept it OP and maybe arrange to meet with no kids for a few mo this until things settle down.

OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time on here.

She has openly admitted that her dd is going through a difficult stage at the moment but has also disciplined her.

But the other child is clearly no angel, and given the child’s mum seems to avoid various children because they are all horrible to her darling it sounds like this boy’s behaviour is over indulged and everyone else gets the blame when another child lashes out due to his grabbing toys and running away etc.

Unprovoked hitting isn’t normal at this age, but lashing out as a response absolutely is. It’s not ok and shouldn’t be tolerated but it’s normal for it to happen.

I think the OP’s latest post sort of stands up my feelings too, @Prescottdanni123…

@GhostFromTheOtherSide Thank you 😊

@ItsJustLittleOlMe @TheYearOfSmallThings God, no, not at all, I love them both and we’ve been close to them for a long time, I just think that his behaviour isn’t seen as she stops him playing with a few friends and has spoken not very nicely about their children, when I think it’s all pretty normal and children will work through these things.