Is friend avoiding me because of Dd

[Dorothywasrightthough]

Have a mum friend who I’ve known since our dcs were little babies, we’ve seen each other fairly regularly over this time. My Dd has had some health issues since last autumn and her behaviour can be unpredictable at times…but as can most 3/4 year olds. The last time our dcs played together, they had little fights-a bit from both sides…her ds grabbing my Dds things and her going nuts and chasing and hitting him. I always discipline Dd but also accept that most of them are like this at this age. My friend regularly says she doesn’t want to go to such and such a play date as she doesn’t want a certain child around her Ds and often says her ds is scared of them. Her ds is lovely, but also no more an angel than the other kids.
Recently she’s not been texting to meet up as much and I’ve texted, she’s not as keen or agrees to plans then cancels.
I’m quite aware of dd being a bit more challenging at the moment, but this makes me sad if she’s including her on the list of kids she doesn’t want her ds around
Aibu to think she may be doing this? And also Aibu to think that’s unfair on the kids and I wouldn’t do this?

I think YABU to think it's unfair on the other kids, but she is BU to blame the other kids and not see her DS as equally to blame for the bust ups.

If she just couldn't be bothered with the hassle of meeting up for play dates when the kids don't get along, I'd think that was fair enough.

Ultimately, you can argue as much as you like that your DD's behaviour is normal for her age, but that doesn't actually matter. The fact is that if your friend doesn't feel your DD and her DS play well together, she doesn't have to keep agreeing to play dates. What you think of your DD's behaviour is really neither here nor there; she is allowed to have whatever standards she wants to and just because they're different from yours, that doesn't mean she's being unreasonable.

Some children bring out the absolute worst in each other, and she probably finds it pretty stressful if your DD and her DS have a lot of 'spats'. I personally am not convinced that a 'love/hate' relationship is a great basis for a friendship between a pair four-year-olds, and I can understand why she finds it stressful if they bicker and there are tears.

I would also add that just because your little girl 'adores' her DS, that doesn't mean her DS feels the same way about her. He might not be bothered in the slightest about playing with her, and he may have told his mum that he doesn't want to. And again, that's fine. People aren't obliged to spend time with your child or even to like them. I have pretty vivid memories of certain kids just being hard work to play with when I was very little, and not wanting to play with them again - I'm sure they were nice kids, but sometimes personalities just clash.

Meet your friend without the kids and don't be offended by any of this.

What you see as "going nuts" is probably quite traumatising to another child! Imagine someone your size suddenly starts chasing, screaming at, and hitting you. You'd want to avoid them as well.

She's probably scared him, and now he's probably told his mum he doesn't like her because XYZ. A parent, who has seen the hitting and chasing personally, is going to want to keep their DC away from the DC responsible. You'd feel the same if it was the other way around.

You're quite unpleasant about the boy OP, are you like that in person by mistake sometimes?

@MRex Ok 🙈no I’m not unpleasant at all, not about her boy either. I don’t feel a bit put out as she often has a few excuses for other friends kids, but generally can’t see what her ds is doing too and that kids can all just be like this. I’m aware of Dds faults in this situation.
I really don’t think I’m an unpleasant person. 😬

This! 3/4 year olds know not to hit.

Sorry, posted too soon

but your friends son does seem to be unkind to your daughter and mine would have retaliated at 4, so I can totally see why her being unable to see he’s as much to blame might be annoying.

This, in fact it's always advised on here to keep away from children like that. So it seems thats exactly what she's doing.

I had similar to this when my oldest son was in reception. My sons friend would regularly lose his temper and hit him. My son never retaliated and actually ended up being scared to go to school as a result. I'd be very concerned about my three year old if he was behaving in this way.

😂I think some of these posts are deliberately to be mean or take the piss

@Herejustforthisone Why? Because she says that her daughter struggles to regulate her emotions. That's a fact. Young kids do struggle to regulate their emotions, that does not mean that OP is condoning or allowing the behaviour. All she is trying to say is that her daughter is not lashing out at her friend's son unprovoked.