It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

[Sparklfairy]

If it had been you who had inherited what would his attitude be?

Do you pool finances? Presumably your debt will cost you both more if you do and he doesn't pay it off early?

You are not and never were responsible for his children maintenance for his children. Does he think you should have been?

[ticklemeemu]

I'm with you here. You're married. In this situation since there is no emotional attachment and he is just spoiling himself it's very selfish not to help you out when you contributed to his kids all those years as well. YANBU

[katmarie]

If I came into that kind of money, I would treat it as family money, and my DH would do the same, but our scenario is different, we're first marriage, young kids etc. However, it's not really about what other people think or would do is it? If you're bothered about this, then you need to talk to him about it, and try and find some way of either meeting in the middle, or accepting his decision.

In my opinion him choosing not to pay off your debt is a poor financial decision for you as a family, if you are paying interest on it. It's also deeply unattractive on his part.

[CrispsnDips]

Oh golly I think he’s being really selfish..once married I tend to believe that all financial stuff is shared but that’s because me and my husband have done that from the early days.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? I am not sure but you MIGHT be imagining he is punishing you for not helping with the child maintenance, that might not be the case…?

If you have spoken to him, what is his stance? Does he have strong feelings about perhaps disapproving of your debt?

[Brideandpredjudice]

What a selfish arsehole. I couldn't call a man like that my husband.

[mondaytosunday]

I think I'd put some away for my kids then take the family for a nice holiday then it goes into the marriage pot (so you could pay off your debt).
If my husband had inherited I think he'd have done exactly that - though he did once redistribute a small inheritance back to his siblings as he felt they needed the money more than he did.

[Lindy2]

To be treating himself and not doing anything for you is really pretty mean.

As a minimum I'd expect him to be spending some on your joint home (new kitchen, furniture etc depending on what you need) and a lovely holiday for the 2 of you.

I think I'd be telling him quite frankly how I felt about what he's doing.

[FictionalCharacter]

What strange, selfish behaviour. If I inherited that kind of money, I’d definitely pay off any small debt my DH had. Sure, it’s his money, but the fact that he’s “making it clear” that it’s his alone is rather horrible.

[Mangolist]

Definitely incredibly selfish. I would find it really hard to be ok with this!

[OldAgeWorries]

We don't have a marriage pot or family money. We each have our own account. If we go out for a meal we'll split it 50/50. We both pay equal amounts into a bills account and that pays mortgage, bills, food. We each pay to run our own vehicles.
My loan is paid from my own money and not the bills account.
He's not usually selfish like this but then we've never had a situation like this before.

[OldAgeWorries]

He doesn't disapprove of my debt, he had almost exactly the same on credit cards. Mine was cheaper as it was a bank loan.

[bunnypenny]

Have you actually asked him to pay it off for you? Your OP doesn’t make it clear.

[MiauzenKatzenjammer]

He sounds mean. I'd be putting in my divorce application before he spends the money.

[Mumspair1]

@Brideandpredjudice

What a selfish arsehole. I couldn't call a man like that my husband.

My exact thinking. Just shows you that when his life improved slightly he left you behind without a second thought! I hope your eyes are well open to that.

[VatofTea]

I'm probably in the minority - but if you didn't share any of the financial responsibilities of his family life (even a tiny amount) in your earlier years together, then I don't think you are entitled to any of the inheritance booty.

I think it would be a kind gesture from him to pay off your debt (decision to be made by him alone with no guilting or pressure), but if he did that, would your sense of entitlement grow or would you be satiated with your cut of rich old auntie's estate?

[Ryder68]

But he has been selfish in the past! why on earth did he think you should be paying towards HIS kids maintenance???

[10HailMarys]

You've asked him to pay off a five grand debt out of an inheritance that amounts to FIVE TIMES as much as BOTH your annual salaries and he said no??

Christ, what a miserly bastard. It's not like you've asked him to hand over half of it, ffs.

My DP and I have separate bank accounts and split bills along salary lines, but if one of us suddenly got given a pile of cash equivalent to five times our joint household income, I'm pretty sure neither of us would sit back and spend it all entirely on themselves while watching the other one paying off a £5K loan for the next three years or something.

[Ragwort]

He doesn't sound very generous at all but perhaps you've both got so used to 'individual' finances that he can't see the need to share. I can't get over a married couple paying 50/50 for a meal out ... do you literally split the bill at the end of the evening?

[OldAgeWorries]

Thanks @VatofTea it's helpful to see another response. Although I didn't pay the monthly maintenance payment I did contribute by paying half towards Christmas and birthdays, holidays, days out that sort of thing so this isn't entirely correct:

but if you didn't share any of the financial responsibilities of his family life (even a tiny amount)

I haven't asked him or guilted him into paying off debt or any kind of household contribution. I know what I would do in the situation and I would pay off his debt and treat him to a nice holiday in the very least.

[Tlolljs]

I’m baffled why he hasn’t given any to his grown up children either. That’s the first thing I’d do. Five times joint annual salary is a good whack.

[Jan6755]

He inherited 5 times your combined salary and he hasn't offered ANYTHING to the family pot? and you think it is punishment for not contributing to his child maintenance bill? I really don't think this is someone I would want to grow old with if I am being honest. I'm not saying LTB (Not my place), but this is quite revealing to what his priorities are.

I'm not saying I have some amazing marriage, but if I came into money the first thing I would want to do was share it with my spouse, and i KNOW my Dh would do the same (he has inherited)

[Bubblebubblebah]

@OldAgeWorries

Thanks @VatofTea it's helpful to see another response. Although I didn't pay the monthly maintenance payment I did contribute by paying half towards Christmas and birthdays, holidays, days out that sort of thing so this isn't entirely correct:

but if you didn't share any of the financial responsibilities of his family life (even a tiny amount)

I haven't asked him or guilted him into paying off debt or any kind of household contribution. I know what I would do in the situation and I would pay off his debt and treat him to a nice holiday in the very least.

Wait, so you didn't even speak with him about it?

[OldAgeWorries]

@Ragwort either he pays or I pay and we transfer the money over to each other. I know it sounds weird it's just what we've always done.

Just to be clear I haven't asked and he hasn't said no. It just hasn't been suggested by him and I don't want or feel I should have to ask.

[Bubblebubblebah]

That sounded originally as you asked and he said no.

Also, did he ever suggest you pay towards maintenance? Or mentioned it?

[roarfeckingroarr]

The kind thing would be to pay off your small debt and pay for a fantastic holiday for you both. I'm guessing his inheritance was around 200-300k? If so, I think he should chuck in 50k at least to overpay the mortgage.

This isn't very husbandly behaviour. I wouldn't expect it to be split but it's very sad that he doesn't want you to share in his good fortune. I would expect even just a partner or long term boyfriend to want to provide a great shared holiday.

It'll be interesting when it's your birthday / Christmas too. He's probably already planning what gifts to get himself.