When poverty comes in the door, loves goes out the window

[Slowdaysfastyears]

Do you agree?

I always remember a friend of mine telling me that her mum had said this to her when she was young and for her to make sure she settles with someone who can provide (not necessarily rich) she said that with money struggles, life is so much harder and love dies. The mum herself has been married for years to a lovely man with a nice amount of money, nice house, she’s never worked..but not rich. Her daughter, my friend has followed a similar path..my friend is lovely, but has always been materialistic and money minded..she has worked in the past and has a degree etc though, unlike her mum.
Do you agree with this view or that her mum saying this to her as a child is damaging? Her grandmother said the same to her too.
Is there any harm in hoping or advising our children to marry *Well?

But this is why you need a really strong relationship because shit happens to most people.
We have had some really big shit times. And I am not sure how I would have got through it without my partner.

Why does not wanting a subsistence existence make you horrible?

@antelopevalley absolutely I agree with providing for yourself but I would also want the other person to be able to do the same. I'm not talking being really rich but enough to be comfortable. It definitely makes life a whole lot easier if money or lack there of isn't a major factor in everyday decision making. For example I wanted to have the wiggle room to take a few years off when my twins were born and my eldest was a toddler. Having a DH that could provide during this time me both our lives easier. I now work full time again in a job that I love.

We married for love, both worked, saved and progressed until we had two disabled children.

I had to give up my job and we lost our home.

Because we are so in love 20 years on, we have been able to make it through the really bad times.

We are rebuilding our lives together with no regrets.

I do believe in this but I also believe in being independent.

I know from experience that when money was tight my ex thought it all belonged to him. He would have seen us starve so he had enough.

Poverty causes so much stress anyway. You need to be with someone with the same financial values as you and have your own money (and they need their own as well). I am not supported a grown man.

Completely true, sadly.

we don’t fight because we have no financial stresses but also enough space to get away from each other so no tensions ever really builds up. I suspect we would not be so rosy if we had the worries that many have.

Poverty brings misery and stress. Being rich won't make you happy but being able to manage comfortably makes a huge difference. My parents bang on about money not being important but it's easy for them to say that in their big detached house by the sea! I've been extremely poor in the past, real "I don't know how I'll pay the bills" poor and it's horrendous. I worried about money all the time. It kept me awake at night

But I don't agree women should aim to be provided for. Earn money yourself, manage it wisely and aim to marry someone who feels the same.

I disagree. Me and DH were skint when we first got married, to the extent we had to choose between the mortgage (cheaper than rent) and the council tax. We would visit my gran and raid her fridge and cupboards - she bought extra so we could do that without feeling bad. We didn't use the heating and had a really frugal lifestyle. We weren't on the bones of our arses, but close. We weren't strained with each other though, we pulled together as a team, so it's not inevitable. It depends on your situation and your relationship.

My grandmother used to say this. I always understood it to mean that poverty would make life hard and it's difficult for a relationship to withstand it.
I never understood it to be an edict to marry a rich man.

Oh, absolutely. In the same way that poverty won't break up every couple, nor will other life stressors. Many couples will be strong enough to weather the storms - and crises can of course strengthen relationships, too. But I guess the point is that any life stressors can and do contribute to the breakdown of (less strong) relationships, not just financial ones.

But I’m sure the opposite is true. I mean, there must be women who’ve married just for money who also ended up miserable. You’d have to be incredibly shallow and insensitive to live with (and have regular sex with) a man you didn’t like just so you could have holidays in Tuscany and a big conservatory. Even a sex worker only has to spend an hour with her client.

I suppose I'm gonna come across as a snob, but I was brought up with quite well off parents (not mega rich, but we NEVER went without) I honestly don't think I could be with someone that was really struggling for money and living on a month to month basis. I appreciate that makes me horrible and that's fair enough but I just wouldn't want that for myself

that doesn't make you horrible, it makes you sensible

*I would say when reality of life be it illness, responsibilities,housework, children, difficulty conceiving etc comes in the door love often goes out the window in even the strongest of couples. It is far from limited to just poverty or financial difficulty.

Agree

But this is why you need a really strong relationship because shit happens to most people.
We have had some really big shit times. And I am not sure how I would have got through it without my partner*

But many relationships/marriages stay together until the end but it doesn't mean love or affection remains after shit storms or the general realities of lives erode love. Just because a couple stay together doesn't mean they love each other or even like each other.

Oh, absolutely. In the same way that poverty won't break up every couple, nor will other life stressors. Many couples will be strong enough to weather the storms - and crises can of course strengthen relationships, too. But I guess the point is that any life stressors can and do contribute to the breakdown of (less strong) relationships, not just financial ones

and as I said in another post it doesn't take a break up to show that the love is gone, many couples stay together as break ups can be so messy.

@SurfBox Some couples do still like and love each other. I love my husband very much. He is still my favourite adult throughout all the good and hard times.

Exactly as @MrsTerryPratchett says!
the sentiment is correct.
Love for a partner, hope, self esteem are all harder to maintain in poverty.
So, don't 'marry a rich man' but try to ensure that you don't get trapped by poverty
Not that the Govt is much help here.
£170m profit by energy companies & it seems the govt will borrow taxpayers money so we can 'bail ourselves out'. Sorry to bring politics into it but, sheesh...

I don’t disagree with you @SurfBox. Shit happens in life. It makes some couples stronger. It splits some couples up. It makes some
couples not like each other much but not want to split up. But it’s not purely financial shit, that’s all that I and the other poster were saying.

Some couples do still like and love each other. I love my husband very much. He is still my favourite adult throughout all the good and hard times

ofcourse they do, I never said all.