When poverty comes in the door, loves goes out the window

[Slowdaysfastyears]

Do you agree?

I always remember a friend of mine telling me that her mum had said this to her when she was young and for her to make sure she settles with someone who can provide (not necessarily rich) she said that with money struggles, life is so much harder and love dies. The mum herself has been married for years to a lovely man with a nice amount of money, nice house, she’s never worked..but not rich. Her daughter, my friend has followed a similar path..my friend is lovely, but has always been materialistic and money minded..she has worked in the past and has a degree etc though, unlike her mum.
Do you agree with this view or that her mum saying this to her as a child is damaging? Her grandmother said the same to her too.
Is there any harm in hoping or advising our children to marry *Well?

Well surely it's always better to be happy than miserable! But it's easier to cry in a mansion etc etc....

I think there is some truth to the OP's statement in the sense that money worries put enormous stress on couples and can indeed cause things to end, even if they do love each other. I haven't had money worries since marrying my husband but I had them at one point in my life and it's not something you forget.

I think financial worries can have a negative impact on happiness and on relationships because money worries tend to bring with them a lot of stress and it's hard to focus on your relationship when you're riddled with stress and anxiety. I've been married for 10 years and there have been times in my marriage when we were completely broke and it was very stressful, but we became closer in those times and worked together to get through it.

At the moment things are relatively comfortable for us financially but we're not ''well off'' by any means. We share similar work ethics and values and I think that's the most important thing (for me). I wouldn't swap the love and support that my husband offers me in exchange for money but I can see why some people would look for a partner who is financially stable or even wealthy.

This.

I was taught to respect myself and only ever marry a man who respects and loves me.

But I do believe that when poverty strikes, the stress and sadness it brings is hard to survive, even with the strongest of couples.

I had also been advised my family
Always marry someone who loves you more than you love them

Never marry a drinker or gambler - goes without saying

Always have your bus fare home - enough to get your own place if you want to Just walk.

You could be absolutely stunningly beautiful, work hard at school but still only be on NMW for 40 years.

Or you could meet and marry a rich fella and never work

It depends also on when you have the money worries. I married at 22 and we had little money then (but never went hungry). But I knew at the back of my head it was temporary so we were still very happy. I was young enough to be optimistic!

I am in my late 20s but I know I will experience future recessions in my lifetime. the government is probably going to bail us out by freezing bills but for a few weeks, I was preparing myself to pay £10k energy bills. However, we may not be so lucky every time so I think going into marriage even with someone who is financially stable with the illusion that there would be zero money worries is a bit naive. If you look at many of the well paid professions, they often don't do well in recessions.

Lawyer- a lot of top law firms shed staff during recessions when there isn't as much commercial activity. A lot of high street firms also do the same due to higher overheads

IT developer- if you work for a startup, funding can dry up during a recession

Small business owner- energy bills are likely to be frozen for 6 months but if they weren't, a lot of businesses would have gone bust.

Banker/City worker- Banks often do retrench during recessions.

People with good salaries have savings but that doesn't mean an absence of money worries unless of course the man in question is independently wealthy (and even then he can be disinherited).

Well, that's clearly bullshit otherwise the rich would all be married or n a relationship for life & the poor would all be single.

Being self sufficient is a hard lesson I learnt from my mother, who wasn't, and something I teach my daughters every day.

I grew up in severe poverty, and my parents marriage couldnt survive it.

DH have lived together through times of poverty and times of affluence and still madly in love. It's tough to be happy when money is tight, and DH has a tendency to be lax with money where as I am more controlled, but our love has always remained strong.

I think you need to find someone who matches your attitude to spending.

if you’re thrifty a spender might see you as tight etc.

you have to match on the important things

food, money, alcohol/drugs, attitudes to family life, parenting and sex.

everything else imo can be negotiated.

I disagree. Any able-bodied adult should make sure they can provide for themselves. Plus that if they marry someone they have similar attitudes towards money.

I was going to also mention looking at their family and the likelihood of help for deposits/ private school fees but my post was already quite long!

All the women in my family, for generations have 'married down'.

It's been disastrous. Family money squandered by alcoholics, cocklodgers, the workshy, etc.

Yes encourage women to be independent. But not many women will ever earn enough to always work full time, pay full time childcare and have their own mortgage on a decent house in a decent area. It's not a very realistic plan unless the family already has money.

Picking a life partner who can pay their own way, not run up debts, contribute fairly to the family budget etc is the most important decision of a person's life.

I fu**ed up and I'd do anything to shake some sense into me as a young adult.

My mum always told me not to rely on a man for money. Happy with that advice. I would have a different lifestyle if single (so would OH) but my money, my choice. I wouldn't ever want to feel I had to stay with someone for any reason, including their money, or ask anyone for permission to spend money.

Depends what rich and poor mean - back x amount of years ago when poverty meant actual grinding horrendous whole family in 1 room with rickets, unable to feed your kids then yes, I think anyone would struggle to be happy in those conditions even if you had married for love. If, often, nowadays, it means married to someone you don't like but able to buy designer stuff and go on foreign holidays versus in love but counting the pennies, I'd go for the second.

Plus these sayings originated and were popular in a time where woman had no real option to be financially secure other than to marry, so who you married, and their financial status was literally the most important decision you would ever make in your life, and, once made, you'd struggle to get out of. So they are generally irrelevant now where the stress should be on being able to financially support yourself in order to be happy/comfortable. In which case the advice should centre more on getting qualifications and choosing a job that will allow you to live comfortably rather than a career you love but pays badly.

I wouldn't have married someone skint with no career prospects. I carried an ex financially and it was awful. I was definitely on the look out for someone on an equal footing.

If you’ve experienced true poverty growing up then of course you’ll guide your children away from it.

well I hope my DH wasn't looking at my family's money when he married me.

I love my DH but I would be so embarrassed if something happened down the line and the house my parents bought for me outright became classed as 'marital assets' in a divorce and he walked away with half! My parents would be really really angry if that happened. at least now our flat was bought with our joint savings so if anything happens; well we saved it together (albeit with 3 years of rent free living with his mum, but its not as easy to quantify that; plus we will probably support her in her old age) !

So have to add in parents who are ok with giving house deposits even if at least half of it may end up in the spouse's pocket. quite a lot of British parents seem fine with it but you may marry into a family who wouldn't be.

Exactly what I was going to say.

My mother said this too, but not in a materialistic way.
Another of her sayings was “Better to be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave.”

Why is it sexist crap? Money problems affect both halves of a partnership and are a well known factor in relationship breakdown. There’s nothing sexist about it.

A feminist twist on this message: girls, and what's why it's important for you to work hard and make your own money, so that whether poverty (and love) fly in or out the window is not purely at the mercy of your partner....

Honestly my parents gave me typical advice for middle class parents of their age, and it was terrible advice. It was that money does not matter. Don't choose a partner based on how much they are capable of earning, don't choose a job based on wages but passion. No surprise both me and my sister have no money! I wish I had been guided to think through the implications of my own career choices. If you earn a good wage you can marry someone who earns less and not worry about being poor.

I always knew this saying as 'when debt comes through the door, love goes out the window' which I do completely agree with

I haven't heard that phrase since my dad died, many years ago, together with always have your own money, don't rely on anyone to keep you.

When I was young, mum, comparing herself to my aunt, said she would always marry for love and not money. Years later mum and dad were completely miserable and ended in divorce. They both worked very hard but they constantly scraped by financially when we were children and they drifted apart. Wealthy aunty and uncle work as a team and are still genuinely happy and in love.

My hubs is a high earner for our area. We both worked and had ambition when we met, didn’t know his career would take off but I wouldn’t have dated someone without a job, prospects or motivation. Like pp’s have said, for some people it’s not about money per se but having similar goals and work ethic etc.

Some randomer on holiday commented our teen daughter wouldn’t struggle to find a ‘rich bloke’. I quickly corrected them and said DD will make her own money. I hope our children are happy, motivated and meet likeminded people.

Why is it sexist crap? Money problems affect both halves of a partnership and are a well known factor in relationship breakdown. There’s nothing sexist about it

this, there is an assumption on mn that all men are comfortable and in well paid jobs, so not true. I know many marriages where the women's earnings carry the family.