When poverty comes in the door, loves goes out the window

[Slowdaysfastyears]

Do you agree?

I always remember a friend of mine telling me that her mum had said this to her when she was young and for her to make sure she settles with someone who can provide (not necessarily rich) she said that with money struggles, life is so much harder and love dies. The mum herself has been married for years to a lovely man with a nice amount of money, nice house, she’s never worked..but not rich. Her daughter, my friend has followed a similar path..my friend is lovely, but has always been materialistic and money minded..she has worked in the past and has a degree etc though, unlike her mum.
Do you agree with this view or that her mum saying this to her as a child is damaging? Her grandmother said the same to her too.
Is there any harm in hoping or advising our children to marry *Well?

A DH will most certainly be due half of a house gifted by the spouses parents as a marital asset.

Wealthy women need to be more aware of the risks of marriage.

Ie don't do it if you have more £££ than him!

People who say there's more to life than money are people who have enough money. Yes you can be miserable in any life but I'd rather be miserable in my holiday villa in France than in my damp bedsit in Glasgow

I have experienced true poverty. Having to rely on a man not to be in poverty is not a good way out.

I think this advice will apply until the gender pay gap has been eliminated.

Agree with @VatofTea , it's about values. Don't spend any effort on a partner who doesn't work and doesn't want to work. Ignore the unambitious. Date and settle down with intelligent, driven, successful people. Don't have a kid with Billy NoGCSEs who lives in his car and wonder why your life went wrong.

I'm Not saying I agree with it I've been lucky enough to be self sufficient but it's come at its own cost.

If men were held accountable for csa etc and Childcare was seen as a joint responsibility after splitting rather than usually just for the women to sort out in order to be able to afford to go back to work full time then this advice wouldnt be needed at all.

We still have a long way to go.

Marry a person who respects you, considers you their equal, and has a sensible and responsible attitude to work and money. You can't really guarantee you won't end up poor, but you can avoid marrying somebody whose attitude to life makes it more likely!

The saying is probably quite true . Poverty brings stress to a relationship. However I think it's really old fashioned to think women have to rely on a man's income as we are perfectly capable of earning our own .

I agree with it. A working-class Glaswegian childhood in the 70s/80s would generally support the view!

Ooh, interesting. I saw it from a childhood/parenting POV, and others are seeing it from a partner POV.

What’s the female équipe of a cocklodger?

If you're not looking for funny answers, it would be a kept woman.

I agree with the statement that love goes out the window when you are poor but only if you've picked the wrong person and you are doing all the legwork etc. I don't agree with marry rich to be happy though. Just be with someone who has a similar mindset to you about life and what you want to achieve in life as if you are starting from scratch with no help. Study, work hard, be smart with your finances and find someone who is similar which is way more easier than finding a rich man. Me and dh had a similar mindset and we didn't have any help from anyone. We started life from scratch and built it together. Dh is very hardworking and is a natural go getter and I'm just a hard worker but we share the same values when it comes to things like this.

Poverty is very tough and it tests the mettle of individuals and relationships. Love does not necessarily go out the window but it often does because of the incredible stress of living in poverty.

But this is completely topsy-turvy. Better advice would be:

Sometimes love goes out the window. Make sure you plan for this and don't let poverty in the door.

Marrying a lovely man with a nice amount of money and never working is a high risk strategy. What happens if love goes out the window? Will you be plunged into poverty?

I think lack of money obviously makes life much harder and causes lots of problems and other hardships but love outweighs all of that. As long as we have food and shelter we would have everything we need when we have love. Love can be more powerful and worth so much more than material things.
I would choose a poor life with my love and be fulfilled just being together with nothing but each other rather than a rich life with someone who I didn’t truly love.
Being poor doesn’t make love die, but love dies when one or both people stop trying or listening properly and lose each other x love and relationships need effort putting in, respect for each other and the desire to learn more about the other person and adapt and grow together otherwise they fall apart.

People who say there's more to life than money are people who have enough money

this, reminds me of the threads on mn where people say they'd hate to win the lotto or that money can't bring happiness and they don't need large amounts etc. Easy to say that coming from a point of privilege.

But then this happens on all topics on mn, posters weigh in with their advice and principles when they have no experience of the topic at hand.

Love can be more powerful and worth so much more than material things.
I would choose a poor life with my love and be fulfilled just being together with nothing but each other rather than a rich life with someone who I didn’t truly love.
Being poor doesn’t make love die

and have you ever been generally poor then? Or have you been a mother who can't afford to feed her kids and struggle with them?>

Because whilst your advice is all well meaning, it's pretty idealistic. The reality of poverty and I mean real poverty might counteract your principles there.

I would say when reality of life be it illness, responsibilities,housework, children, difficulty conceiving etc comes in the door love often goes out the window in even the strongest of couples. It is far from limited to just poverty or financial difficulty.

Agree

As long as we have food and shelter we would have everything we need when we have love

if we have these though it's not really poverty. It's when we can't access these we are in poverty. I think people here don't get it. Also shelter is not enough, if you can't afford to put the heat on and the house starts getting mould and dampness and people get sick that's poverty too or if the house is not proper ventilated and droughts get it it also can cause illness.
Simply having a roof over your head is not always enough, you might want to say having adequate food and adequate shelter. Likewise only being able to afford beans and toast for the kids and the kids and you being hungry and malnourished is an example of getting food but not adequate amounts of food.

Many people on mn, myself included, have no proper experience of poverty so we shouldn't preach to those who do. Whilst I have no experience of it though I am still well aware of the realities of it.

My (now 85-year-old) mother used to say both
"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one" and
"Make sure you're never financially dependent on any man".

I wasn't given any of this advice.

My GPs were born into poverty and GM both worked full time when they could - my DP were both latch key kids. DP wanted one of them around when we got home so DMum work p/t sometimes 3 jobs but was always there - and money was often tight in my childhood eased a bit in my teens.

I did marry someone with similarity values - money wise I think we balance each other out - I'd probably save much more but enjoy life less and he's slightly opposite and we find that happy medium.

We did have a period with very young kid just after buying our first house when money was devastatingly tight - which went on for years things would easy and next blow would happen. I put off getting prescriptions for me filled and getting shoes with no holes but kids were fed and mortgage paid - though we had real worries when DH was made redundant at being able to do that. I do now wonder if lack of heating contributed to my lung issues and older DC. Love didn't die - but fun was rarer and more focused round our young kids. Moving massively improved our finances and life was much easier.

Interestingly DSis had massive money worries - bailed out by DP - and both of us are worried our kids don't get the value of money - wonder if we protected them too well - something I think our parents couldn't do.

Disagree. I am disabled, my husband is my carer. We live in poverty and we love each other fiercely and try to live within our means.

We have also had terrible infertility issues and our love has never faltered.

Money has never been a reason we have argued, we have always sat down together and planned our available money.

I have had rich men try to buy my love and affection in the past and that is such a massive turn off for me. I'd rather live in a tent with my husband than in a mansion with a man I didn't love.

Disagree. I am disabled, my husband is my carer. We live in poverty and we love each other fiercely and try to live within our means

do you have kids though? It's easier for a couple to love in poverty than when kids come along.

I suppose I'm gonna come across as a snob, but I was brought up with quite well off parents (not mega rich, but we NEVER went without) I honestly don't think I could be with someone that was really struggling for money and living on a month to month basis. I appreciate that makes me horrible and that's fair enough but I just wouldn't want that for myself

You need to be able to support yourself.
I find it strange that it is seen by some as a good situation, to only be able to avoid poverty by being with a well-off/rich man.
I want to be in a relationship because I want to be with that person. Not because I need their money. I would never want to be in the position of not leaving a partner because to do so would plunge me into poverty.