To have done a u-turn and set some boundaries with people?

[Gingerninja32]

Like many people on here, I was brought up with emotional neglect as my mother has had a very difficult life herself so emotionally shut down a long time ago and wasn't loving or present when I was growing up and is not present really at all for me now.

To cut a very long story short, not feeling loved and not feeling like I had much of a family has shaped many of my family and friend relationships. I often feel so keen to create the feeling of having friends and family I over give and I have realised this year to what extent I do do this.

I have started being more selfish for want of a better word this year and have made lots of changes eg moving my kids to a new school and saying no to charity requests and saying 'it's your turn to host lols' to people when i feel it has been me that has always hosted. In many cases though I have been burning bridges by being truer to myself.

I do feel more alone than I did but I am getting used to feeling happier on my own and i no longer feel used if that is the right word!! Am focussing much more on my husband and kids.

Just wondered whether anyone else has been through this and is getting better at standing up for themselves but have found that people around them are changing?

I think they have and of course she cannot handle it
Storms away like a child

Not a great reputation professionally

YANBU OP.

@Courgeon , I'm liking the three strikes and you're out mantra. People do need sifting into friendship categories imo. A few curt words of reminder about reciprocation will also sift the wheat from the chaff.

I have done everything you have described in your post to try to create a large, special, social life and not been mindful and selective in my guests . Guess what? Total burnout, exploited and doormat! Including the free wedding cakes, handmade outfits, special gifts, you name it for people I no longer see because of one sided 'friendships'. Cringe!!!

However, instead of berating yourself and feeling bad, sad and disappointed, reframe it as a life lesson. The need to cut down on the 'bodies' you have surrounded yourself with and find your tribe, people who genuinely like you for you and not for what you provide. I will NEVER waste my talents on users again.

Well you have a few choices courgeon you can drop the rope, stop the giving, sit back and see what happens and see if they finally step up (please be prepared for no one to step up!) and see if you can coax your current friends to see the need for balance. But the very fact you are having to do that indicates they are pretty crap friends/people in the first place if I am honest.
You can try telling them directly - I am getting tired of doing Christmas every year, can you do next year' but it won't change the fundamental fact that they are selfish people, and eventually they continue to be selfish people even if they offer do Christmas under duress.

But I don't fancy your long term chances with many/most of them, because these people have seen the effort and costs going into all of this hosting over the years, and they don't care enough for you to even offer even a few times to host instead.
The status Quo suits them perfectly.

You will get many questions once you stop and many confused and upset responses as you pull the plug. You may get anger, are you doing the same parties without us? What are you doing instead? Have we been replaced? You can expect direct self invites, 'we haven't seen for ages, we will pop in on Saturday night around 6pm'. Just in time for dinner no less. You might even find they drive past and see what you are doing (as my friends did) Emotional blackmail, I miss you/your hosting.

Over time your life might start to fill up with more generous and kind people, or it may not. What do you have to lose apart from a bigger bank balance?
It is a horrible feeling being take advantage of. It feels deeply anti self to be giving and giving and getting nothing in return. Do these people even care about you at all? Beyond your lovely invites and their full diaries? Do you matter?

I drew up a list of everyone and actually mapped out what was happening and that was very good, it was clear those that loved me back, and those that were using me.

What will happen next if you don't address this now, something bloody awful will happen to you (serious illness, injury, bereavement) and you will find out the hard way how little they care.

They will suddenly be 'too busy' and despite the years of investment, hosting and being a good friend to them it will count for nothing.

It is bloody galling and the friendship will be over anyway. Users are self serving by definition, don't expect them to care if your life collapses around you - unless you are prepared to plaster on a fake smile, dry your eyes and get back into the kitchen and hold court and cater to them. Invest in yourself and those that truly love you.

'Dont be a Dobby!!' as my kids say. How true, and how wise at eight years old

For those that haven't seen Harry Potter:

exploringyourmind.com/the-dobby-effect-and-feeling-guilty/

@Courgeon

Pre children I used to do a huge amount of entertaining.
I loved cooking and was fab at it.
Some of it wasn't ever reciprocated simply because the vast majority of my friends hated cooking, however they would bring excellent gifts and wine and definitely showed appreciation.

However after having children life became very busy and I was much much slower to have people over.

One evening we were at dinner at friends and the hostess told me that she really only did small dinners for 4.

She said that time was precious and she wanted to enjoy her guests, not running around catering for other people who were catching up while she looked after everyone.

Bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

I have a larger group occasionally, certainly no more that twice a year, max.

We really enjoy having one couple over, catching up and spending quality time together.

It is far far easier from a preparation point of view, far more relaxing and intimate.

Look at the people you both enjoy in your life and beyond, genuine company, and think about deepening those relationships with much quieter, simpler catch ups.

Agree with the comment about a lot of people being users! I feel that the spirit of narcissism is becoming more prevalent and common in today's world. Sad to see.

I remember a few years ago, I messaged a friend that I am in hospital having an emergency gall bladder removal (left for years because I did not have time to get it sorted out, which says it all!)

And I kid you not, she immediately replied with:

' Are you still doing Saturday night?'

And an hour or so later, when I sat stunned reading the text

' I hope you are okay x'

WTAF

I said to myself Festoon wake up ffs - it is right there in black and white.

I see your gall bladder removal @Festoonlights and I raise you with "will my outfits be ready in time for my brother in law's wedding" when I had just miscarried my IVF baby!

There are a lot of selfish CFs out there.

Jesus Christ. That is dreadful, actually unforgivable. How did you deal with that? Unbelievable behaviour.

Choice of Reply:

'Yes of course, let me know just get the nurse to remove the IV, and the drains and I will be right there' - Dobby

"get to fuck' - Healthy person

On my recent 50th birthday family trip to Portugal one of the cfs in my family messaged me to tell me I was late contributing to her sponsorship for her marathon and when was I going to make payment to get her total up to £500? She was expecting 50 quid or so from us. Was away with the kids and husband for the first time in a year and she knew that. Was so disappointing when I had just bought her an expensive bag for her birthday and taken her out for dinner!! I was furious but the experience really made me wake up to myself that this picture was out of focus ... was definitely a sign from the universe. Told her I wasn't going to contribute and haven't heard from her since! There was no thank you for the dinner or bag either btw.

Unfortunately it wasn't the appropriate F**k Off. I did get them finished (didn't want to let her down wtaf!) only for her to say she didn't know how she would repay me, flowers weren't enough, she would take me out to dinner. Never happened.

I look back at this now and laugh, I really do, both at my foolishness and also her unfortunate personality. I am no longer that foolish person but I expect she is still that callous b*h. Who's the winner? ME!!!!🍩

No idea where the pie came from?

@Gingerninja32 , yup not surprised. There's a special place in hell for CFs👹

Everybody on here is so lovely and it's very sad to see. There's more and more of this. Thing is, those who realised they were taken advantage of and walked away will harden and be more aware in future. The takers will realise what they lost someday but it's too late. They showed their true colours. They will need you before you need them. by that time, it's "the boy that cried wolf". You no longer know if it's genuine and may no longer care. No wonder we live in such a sad lonely world.

This thread is striking a chord with me - as you might see from my user name.
I haven't got a background of being neglected but I am very much a hoster and end up being taken advantage of I feel. I'm from a small family and have been desperate to create big fun Christmases but don't actually manage it which is probably best! We go away now.
So many times we find we host, organise, pay, do thoughtful things, check how people are, etc but it's not reciprocated. When the people taking the services then organise or host something, we're often left out.
In the last few months we've started putting boundaries up. A particular "slap in the face" with an event we were left out of by people we host ALL the time led to the decision. But we've made the decision wider too, with stopping doing stuff for others who only see us if we organise and host.
It's been quite a lonely summer but I think I feel better for being tougher.
I'm making an effort to find more friends but I'll definitely be quicker to spot the takers.

Well done OP and to all the reformed and working towards this.
I am early 50's and totally relate to everything and the excellent posts.
Its a hard club to be a member of and for me (started having boundaries in mid forties) am still earning my stripes too.
The fawning for me is easy to slip back into, so I am vigilant all the time and is exhausting but I see it as retraining myself so that motivates me to keep trying.
A trigger could be I feel inadequate ( hyper critical parent)
So not feeling equal as good as them.
Feeling that they have taken a dislike to me ( caring too much what others think, needing validation)
The triggers and lists are very long and actually complex so I am always unpicking why I need to do this.
I remarried a few years ago and was desperate to fit in with them and be in 'the circle of trust'
Its hardwired into us all to be accepted into the tribe for our survival, as females to be accommodating and pleasant, and if you have had an abusive childhood these become even more exaggerated, the perfect storm.
I literally bent over backwards to my DH narc self absorbed relatives.
I was like a journalist, asking questions, showing empathy, laughing at their dire wit and I hit a rock bottom when I nodded in people pleasing full fawn in agreement at their vile views on immigration while literally hating myself.
I got home and had a good look at myself and vowed never to be that person again. I dont even like most of these people, even now after trying so hard initially, they are indifferent at best.
So I stopped. With everyone all at once.
I went too far initially ( lots of peri menopause rants at users that I had a gut full of)
But it balanced. I have 6 friends left, the rest I blocked, deleted and interestingly users give me a wide berth.
It was lonely, but not as lonely as the disappointment when people took and never gave.
Now I dont think does this person like me, its more do I like them?
But I have slips. Perhaps I will. This shit should be taught in schools. Where could I have got in life using my energy for me and a select few that being an object of servitude for others to go so far?
I am glad you are finding this out now OP it really is never too late.

Noinvitesever it feels as though there could be am underground movement of boundaries being installed all over the country if this thread is anything to go by! Maybe the worries about rhe costs of living is making people look at the hosting they do and question whether they can or still want to do it.

I have found it hard and painful to know people we have hosted many times are hosting others!! Not nice at all.

Angels I am so glad you have made those changes. Six decent friends sounds perfect!

Yup, my parents were horrible (understatement) to us girls and preferred the golden child (the only son) anyway I managed to escape when I moved out many miles away only to have in laws trying to get me to take their crap. I have far less tolerance as I was forced to put up with it with the people I had to live with so now I have gone very low/no contact with people once they start to exhibit toxic behaviours. I just flick them off like flies as I don’t see any excuse for this type of behaviour. Don’t get me wrong I was my in law’s lap dog for a while as I so badly wanted a family to love me but I realised it was one way and a power trip on their part that I gave up and put a massive wall up. Yes I’m much lonelier even my mother would taunt me (I’ve gone no contact as of recently) saying I’m the one with the problem as I can’t keep relationships with anyone (ie them as well as my in laws) but I have never treated anyone like shit in my life and always reflect on my actions. I’m a good mum and have healthy relationships with my children and with others that are genuine towards me.

Have to add that I’m from a culture where women are expected to keep ties with families, do all the social niceties and martyr themselves over it so I’m definitely an outcast for behaving in this way but it really is for my survival.

However I have found that the more I give, the more people expect

This is so true.

Have read the whole thread, and I’m so happy to see the steps people are taking, I am learning a lot from this thread.

This is the best thread I’ve read here for a very long time.

That's great BeatriceDalle it has given me the confidence that I am doing the right thing re changing my old ways.

For me, the light bulb moment was realising why I was overgiving and that it was coming from feeling I have to be the one to make the effort or I will be alone. It was coming from the feeling that I was trying to create close relationships with other members of my family to try and replace the relationships I wish I'd had with my parents.

Ihaveanoldiphone I can relate to everything you have written. I'm so glad you have freed yourself! I know it goes against societal expectations so is v hard to do.

This is the one of the best threads I've read on here. We all seem to have had the same childhoods which has led to over compensating and subsequently being used. It's very hard and lonely realising they don't give a hoot but it's better than being used. They will need you one day but it'll be too late. They'll also find others aren't so accommodating.

I thinks users and takers could sense our desperation for connection and to fit in. We are like a beacon for these people!.
But I also think now when I meet a people pleaser and they go all out for me to like/ accept them and come across as desperate. It ferls a bit icky for ne and a turn off. So that was painful too. To acknowledge that I would do anything to be liked!.
I prefer the authentic me even if I am not as 'nice and eager to please'
Definitely rooted in childhood abuse and society expectation we are all works in progress x