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AIBU?

To contact the teacher....

80 replies

Myunicornis · 05/09/2022 22:26

My daughter is in Year 2. 6/7 year old. She has been struggling to find a friend group this year after having decided to stop playing with her current friends because they make her play roles in games which are the 'rubbish roles' and if she doesn't she can't play. So she has decided not to play with them this year. But is finding it hard to mix. I've guided her as best I can but want her to try and make her own way and approach other kids.
I think her confidence may be a bit battered after the last friend group so I understand it may take time. She is generally very happy.
Anyway, she has told me that a girl she considers a friend handed out party invitations to laods of the girls in her class today during break time and her and a few other girls didn't get one.
I had no idea what to say to her. She just can't understand why she didn't get one when some of the other girls did and they aren't even friends with the party girl.
I am absolutely devastated for her. I know some kids have parties and don't invite everyone but surely you wouldn't send these invitations in to school!
I want to contact the teacher and explain the effect this sort of thing can have on children. I know it's not her fault and it's down to the parent of this child.
I'm just so sad for my daughter.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 05/09/2022 22:29

Please don’t. Teachers have enough on their plate. It’s shit but it’s your job to get your dd through these emotional bumps in the road.

Rainbowcat99 · 05/09/2022 22:32

I disagree with the comment above, if a child in my class was going home unhappy I'd want to know and to try to help.
No need to go in all guns blazing but equally absolutely no harm in a quick chat.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 22:34

I wouldn't. She sounds great, she's DS uded the 'old friends' aren't great & wants to make new ones. You or the teacher can't do that for her.

as for the party, it sounds a bit odd but kids are odd. Just teach her to be resilient & understand that sometimes the number is limited and sometimes it's hard to choose who to invite & sadly sometimes people get left out who you would have liked to invite. Just reassure her she'll get invited to other parties & someone else will miss out.

then move on to doing something. Doesn't have to be fun, can be making dinner, walking the dog, reading... just anything to actively DO something.

AutumnIsUponUs · 05/09/2022 22:34

I taught for 25 years and refused to have anything to do with party invites after one parent gave me the invites to hand out. I realised one child never had an invite, I asked the parent if it was an oversight, I was told no that one child wasn’t invited. I handed her the invitations back.

This has nothing to do with the teacher, this is a parents decision who to invite to a party which is out of school. Your child will not be invited to every party during their school years. As for being “devastated”, that’s a serious over reaction.

Quitelikeit · 05/09/2022 22:36

You daughter will likely have a hard time fitting in with another group in the class.

kids really are drawn to one another and this rarely changes down the line

i highly doubt that the girls try to boss her around as much as she claims but she can easily ask to take turns or tell an adult in the yard

the answer is not to totally detach from these girls as you are finding out

also please consider your daughter is also not as accommodating as she is letting on and hence the girls have retreated from her

the invite thing- well imagine mum can only afford 5 spaces, you tell your kid to pick 5 friends and that’s that.

it’s not a reflection on your child but she’s just not as important to the birthday girl

ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2022 22:39

This isn’t for teachers to sort

Ilovechocolate87 · 05/09/2022 22:41

Things like this feel so harsh and unfair...sadly it seems the school playground seems full of these sort of issues.But I don't think its anything to do with the teacher, they just get given the invites to put in bags/hand out.I would be angry and upset too, but unless you are going to challenge the parent about it, I think you just need to be there for DD to support and listen sympathetically.It sucks, but life is unfair.

Myunicornis · 05/09/2022 22:42

It's not so much that she hasn't been invited. I understand she won't be invited to every party and that's absolutely fine.
It's the fact that the invitations were handed out in the classroom so the 3 or 4 girls out of 15 that haven't been invited now know they have been excluded.
I just think if parents want to do this then fine, just keep it out of school so they don't know they have been excluded.

OP posts:
SunshineClouds1 · 05/09/2022 22:43

I get why your worried and upset for her.

The rubbish roles and saying she can't play if she doesn't is just kids being kids. She doesn't have to play if she doesn't want to do that role but I would say not playing with them at all because of this will not help her.

Party invites, nothing to do with the teacher. She isn't the only one not going though so it's not your daughter or that she's done anything wrong.
As pp, x pick this many people for your party.

spirit20 · 05/09/2022 22:43

By all means, speak with the teacher just so she knows that your daughter is upset and feeling excluded. But what exactly do you think the teacher can do about it. She can't exactly phone up the parent and demand your child is invited.

Things like this happen in school every day, and yes, it's really not nice for the kids involved, but the teacher can't do anything about it. Unless the school is going to introduce a policy saying invites can't be handed out in school, but that would lead to a massive push back from parents, and not really change anything in the long run.

Nutsabouttopic · 05/09/2022 22:43

Our school had a rule that no invitations could be handed out during school time or on school grounds in order to avoid this. Teachers were never involved. Parents could hand them out outside the school gates or text the other parents

HereBeFuckery · 05/09/2022 22:45

What would you ask the teacher to do? Police who is and isn't invited? Have a word with the parents? Hmm

Handing out party invitations at school is normal, it would cost a fortune to post them and there's nowhere else they can be handed out all at once. Not all parents can drop off/pick up or even know parents of invited kids on sight.

Sad for your DD, but a good lesson in why we all need to be resilient.

Saynotothefishtank · 05/09/2022 22:49

In most schools, the teacher communicates clearly to the parents that re. parties, either every child is invited or the party invites are handed out off school premises. Might be worth asking the teacher to remind parents that this type of exclusionary behaviour is a form of bullying and not acceptable at school.

SunshineClouds1 · 05/09/2022 22:51

Saynotothefishtank · 05/09/2022 22:49

In most schools, the teacher communicates clearly to the parents that re. parties, either every child is invited or the party invites are handed out off school premises. Might be worth asking the teacher to remind parents that this type of exclusionary behaviour is a form of bullying and not acceptable at school.

Bullying?

How is it bullying?

Parents can only afford x amount of kids for a party, the choice of the party may have limited numbers.

Soontobe60 · 05/09/2022 22:52

What you say to her is ‘I know you’re sad you didn’t get an invite, but Doris can’t invite everyone, so maybe her mummy said to invite the children who’s mummies she knows. Don’t worry, we are doing something nice on the party day anyway” then you move on and distract her.
Regrding the friendship groups, I’d speak to the teacher in a couple of weeks once she’s settled into the new school year.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2022 22:52

I would speak to the teacher about friendships and about the invitations. When my dd was about this age, she found herself a bit lost for a while. The teacher spoke to the dinner ladies, who took her under their wing, created group games some of the time and eventually dd joined in and reintegrated well. As for the invites, I think it is totally unacceptable to allow invites to be handed out during school time. Whole class invitations, not so bad. But this group leaving a couple of girls out is not a good dynamic. As for your dd getting all the rubbish roles, are you sure? Children can sometimes have very different perspectives.

TwiggletLover · 05/09/2022 22:53

My DC is handing out their birthday invites tomorrow. Never occurred to me that this wasn't ok. How else are we supposed to invite people?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2022 22:54

I agree about doing something on the day. This is what I did with dd so she felt better. My reasoning was, had she been invited I’d have paid for a gift, so I spent the money directly on dd instead.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2022 22:55

TwiggletLover · 05/09/2022 22:53

My DC is handing out their birthday invites tomorrow. Never occurred to me that this wasn't ok. How else are we supposed to invite people?

Before or after school. But not during school times. That’s how it was done when dd was little.

LimeTreeGrove · 05/09/2022 22:56

You could speak to the teacher about the friendship issues. I agree that it's shitty when parents make a show of handing out invitations in front of kids who aren't invited or allow their kids to. I never did that when mine were that age. There's always a way of doing it more discreetly.

teezletangler · 05/09/2022 22:58

At my DCs' school you aren't allowed to bring in / hand out invitations unless the whole class is invited. This seems fair and sensible to me. Usually invitations are done through the parent email list, which is much better overall. I don't know what I'd advise in this situation though.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 05/09/2022 22:59

TwiggletLover · 05/09/2022 22:53

My DC is handing out their birthday invites tomorrow. Never occurred to me that this wasn't ok. How else are we supposed to invite people?

WhatsApp Group? Text? Subtly to parents at drop off / pick up?

Never understand why parent's send their children in with invites to hand out.

Soontobe60 · 05/09/2022 23:00

Saynotothefishtank · 05/09/2022 22:49

In most schools, the teacher communicates clearly to the parents that re. parties, either every child is invited or the party invites are handed out off school premises. Might be worth asking the teacher to remind parents that this type of exclusionary behaviour is a form of bullying and not acceptable at school.

Utter rubbish! I have never worked in a school where teachers have told parents that every child must be invited! I have worked in schools where invites aren’t handed out in class - we would just return them quietly to the parent and ask them to hand them out themselves.
Also, not inviting half the class is NOT exclusionary nor is it bullying. When I got married, I didn’t invite everyone I worked with. I wasn’t a bully.

AutumnIsUponUs · 05/09/2022 23:01

a friend handed out party invitations to laods of the girls in her class today during break time

You said the invitations were handed out during break and not in the class. I can’t see any teacher allowing party invitations to be handed out in class tbh.

AutumnIsUponUs · 05/09/2022 23:02

Soontobe60 · 05/09/2022 23:00

Utter rubbish! I have never worked in a school where teachers have told parents that every child must be invited! I have worked in schools where invites aren’t handed out in class - we would just return them quietly to the parent and ask them to hand them out themselves.
Also, not inviting half the class is NOT exclusionary nor is it bullying. When I got married, I didn’t invite everyone I worked with. I wasn’t a bully.

I’ve never worked in a school where this was allowed either. Teachers aren’t there to overrule parents decisions of who to invite to a party which isn’t in school hours.

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