To contact the teacher....

[Myunicornis]

My daughter is in Year 2. 6/7 year old. She has been struggling to find a friend group this year after having decided to stop playing with her current friends because they make her play roles in games which are the 'rubbish roles' and if she doesn't she can't play. So she has decided not to play with them this year. But is finding it hard to mix. I've guided her as best I can but want her to try and make her own way and approach other kids.
I think her confidence may be a bit battered after the last friend group so I understand it may take time. She is generally very happy.
Anyway, she has told me that a girl she considers a friend handed out party invitations to laods of the girls in her class today during break time and her and a few other girls didn't get one.
I had no idea what to say to her. She just can't understand why she didn't get one when some of the other girls did and they aren't even friends with the party girl.
I am absolutely devastated for her. I know some kids have parties and don't invite everyone but surely you wouldn't send these invitations in to school!
I want to contact the teacher and explain the effect this sort of thing can have on children. I know it's not her fault and it's down to the parent of this child.
I'm just so sad for my daughter.

This is why I let my daughter know that it’s absolutely fine if she doesn’t want to play, she doesn’t have to! she can take a book out to avoid any drama. The party /invite dynamic lasts well until their teens sadly…

Can you not explain to your child in an age appropriate way that she is normal to feel upset and left out(as are you to some degree), but it's totally the choice of the inviter as to who they invite.
The inviter decides who to invite for any reason, and the invitee decides whether to come.
If someone doesn't include her it could be financial, wants as small party, or whatever. If someone doesn't include someone to make a point, that does hurt, but they can do that if they want and it's best to learn from that.
Going in guns blazing is never going to help matters.
Easier said than done but being a fixer/helicopter parent is the ultimate direction you will end up going down.
Good luck

Our school told parents that hanging out invites at school was not on, unless inviting the whole class. Maybe go to the head's PA and suggest they implement similar.

That is banned at our school, you invite everyone or you cannot give invitations at school. So I would definitely be speaking to the teacher if it were me. Is it allowed at your daughter's school?

By all means approach the teacher, make her aware of the friendship issues and ask her to give your daughter some gentle guidance.

The party is not part of this issue and nothing to do with the teacher.

I know some kids have parties and don't invite everyone but surely you wouldn't send these invitations in to school!

So how are you supposed to get the invitations to the dc's friends ?
If one of my dc wanted to invite Bob and Mary, how would I be supposed to let them know they were invited, as a working parent who doesn't hang about outside the school gates and doesn't know the families of Bob and Mary ?
Keep in mind that handing out a list of contacts for the whole class breaks GDPR....

@Myunicornis ·

It's not so much that she hasn't been invited. I understand she won't be invited to every party and that's absolutely fine
It's the fact that the invitations were handed out in the classroom so the 3 or 4 girls out of 15 that haven't been invited now know they have been excluded
I just think if parents want to do this then fine, just keep it out of school so they don't know they have been excluded

It's been a while, but I remember in primary school all the children know exactly who is going to a party within a very short space of time - it doesn't matter how the invites are delivered! I have been lobbied by a girl for an invite to DS's party. At both my DS's primary school the teacher would place invites in book bags - that was the school's preferred way of doing it and it seemed to work OK. Going through school is the easiest and most reliable way of getting them to the invitees and to expect parents to go through extra hassle to suit you is unreasonable IMO. You are also getting your facts through a filter of a 6/7 year old and taking them at face value eg girls getting invites who aren't friends - well obviously that's untrue. Your DD is getting a life lesson which you could calmly explain to her (showing an understanding of her feelings).

I think there have been some rather snotty comments aimed at the OP and the need for her to teach her daughter to be resilient, and that a lot of posters have conveniently ignored the fact that the teacher was handing out the invites in front of the whole class.
Am I the only one who thinks that dumping them on the teacher is lazy parenting - convenient certainly but lazy all the same Surely If you are going to all the trouble of arranging a party for your child you should find the time and make the effort so that you or your child can hand out the invites somewhere other than in the classroom.
I know that by saying this I’m inviting comments from those who don’t do school pickups or choose not to mix at the school gate but I stand by my view that whoever is organising the party should distribute the invites so that the teacher is not put in the uncomfortable position of having to give to some and not to others.

I don’t really think handing out invitations in class is a good idea.

Subtly before or after school, ok. Text or WhatsApp group preferable.

As in, make a group for the party, not put it in an existing group!

OP didn't say that @millymae. She said the girl handed them out herself at break time. OP was talking about going to the teacher to stop invites being taken into school at all

^This^

Yanbu. I think to exclude just 3 or 4 girls out of a class of 15 is pretty poor form on behalf of the parents.

Im all for teaching kids to be resilient but not for publicly humiliating a tiny subset of the class by excluding them from a party that everyone else is going to.

Not that it helps but these parents / children are probably ones to avoid anyway. I would definitely mention it to the teacher though. Not so they can fix the party situation, but to make them aware of how your child is feeling right now. Stuff like this can put children off going into school and make them feel very sad

This must be a regional thing. I have never ever heard of any school passing comment on party invites at all. I don't think it can be said that most schools to this. In my experience none of them do

I think this is a decent rule, it's all too cliquey (and often driven by the parents)..

(Ex early yrs teacher)
Invites are often handed out in school because parents often don't know everyone else . We would not have allowed a group where only 1 child was missed (it has happened) , however where out of 15 children and at least 3 or 4 not given them is easily 'you can have 10 friends (+ birthday girl) thats really not discrimination. I taught our DC that you couldn't have an invite to everyone's party and it can be disappointing.

For those saying the girl group probably aren't bossing her about, please understand some children, in particular girls can be down right nasty and manipulative of other children even from a very young age. Other children will go along with it because they very quickly learn if they don't, they could be next, and so they don't speak out .

Please speak to the teacher, they will want to know if a child is unhappy. Let them know your daughter seems to be struggling. Mention the invites in a 'i know they can't all be invited but DD was upset so we've had a chat' type conversation but don't 'have a go' unless your school has specific rules.

Speak about the playing/break times etc. School can't do much if they are not aware. As PP have said dinner staff etc can help/observe the situation to support your child. Hope she settles in. Having your child upset can be distressing.

Speak to the teacher op.ive currently got a very unhappy 8 year old due to constant playground meanness and it is just heartbreaking

Children are at school for several hours a day....of course teachers deal with and care about friendship issues as part of their job.

Unfortunately when parents work full time it isn't always possible no do invitations outside of school. I have no idea who the kids are or the parents as I don't do pick up and drop off and almost never have. So if dd wants a party then the invites go into school.

All you need to do is explain to your dd that parties are expensive and you can't always invite everyone.

But this is definitely not something you should be raising with the school.

By all means raise the difficulty with friends, but the party invites is not something for the teacher to be involved in.

Unfortunately this is just life. You win some you lose some.
Not the teachers job to police theis sort if stuff. But if is your job to teach your child to be resilient and not overthink things like this.

Agree it would be lovely if you had an extra treat for your daughter the day of the party.

And next time it happens (because its surely will at some point) try to pay not attention to it and move on "I'm sorry you're upset dd but not everything in life is fair on everyone"

No attention*
So many typos 🙄

Maybe your daughter only wanted to play if she got the main acting role of the game . At this age kids are all still learning and it’s up to us parents to build our child’s confidence . I wouldn’t contact the teacher over the invites , it’s not their job to sort . Show your daughter it’s no big deal and this will teach her to be adaptable and strong .

I’ve given the invites to the TA before who discreetly puts them in book bags at the end of the day. That’s what most people do at the school. It’s a bit gross to send your kid in with them to hand out in front of everyone especially if only a few aren’t getting them.

Insisting every party has all children from the class will cause parents who can't afford that to not have a party. We wouldn't have been able to afford to do that when the children were little.

So you are then causing division in the class by those with richer parents can have a party.
That's not fair.

OP we had this all the time when my daughter was in primary school- parents would send their kids in with invitations and some weren’t invited.
As the years when on and the kids got older, some kids would use this to deliberately make others feel excluded I.e talk about who they were inviting, invite you then un invite you, make a big deal out of it when the invitations finally made it into school and deliberately hand them out calling each persons name and making a show of who was included and who wasn’t.
Its horrible. Do you know what, I decided at the beginning that I was never ever going to do that with any of my kids. Invitations have always been handed out discreetly in the playground to the parents or when older to the kids when they have come out. Honestly it’s the parents who send them in to hand out knowing they didn’t include everyone who would want to go and knowing it’s going to make other kids feel excluded that I have a problem with- I mean who would do that?
Soeak to the teacher and ask them to keep an eye on your daughter and check she has someone to play with a playtimes - that’s what I would do. Keep it light but at the same time let her know thats it’s a concern.

How would working nums do this if their kids were in after school clubs?