To contact the teacher....

[Myunicornis]

My daughter is in Year 2. 6/7 year old. She has been struggling to find a friend group this year after having decided to stop playing with her current friends because they make her play roles in games which are the 'rubbish roles' and if she doesn't she can't play. So she has decided not to play with them this year. But is finding it hard to mix. I've guided her as best I can but want her to try and make her own way and approach other kids.
I think her confidence may be a bit battered after the last friend group so I understand it may take time. She is generally very happy.
Anyway, she has told me that a girl she considers a friend handed out party invitations to laods of the girls in her class today during break time and her and a few other girls didn't get one.
I had no idea what to say to her. She just can't understand why she didn't get one when some of the other girls did and they aren't even friends with the party girl.
I am absolutely devastated for her. I know some kids have parties and don't invite everyone but surely you wouldn't send these invitations in to school!
I want to contact the teacher and explain the effect this sort of thing can have on children. I know it's not her fault and it's down to the parent of this child.
I'm just so sad for my daughter.

Yabu. I'm the annoying school mum who will happily contact the teacher with any issues and even I wouldn't go that far to moan about party invites.

It is possible. It happens all the time at our school and everyone manages fine. You are not allowed to send in invitations unless there is one for everyone, nor can parents hand them out after school. The teachers would definitely get involved if that was not being respected.

It's all part of growing up. Don't mention it to the teacher. It's your job to make her resilient and understand that other friends may really like her but not invite her for other reasons. Perhaps it's a small outing so only her best friends are invited (or her mum's friends)

I don't think contacting the teacher about invites is reasonable. It doesn't even sound like the majority of the class was invited. A handful of girls left out? So if there are 30 in the class, 15 girls, say 10 invited - that's just a small party. Not every child or parent hangs around in the playground out of school, if school tries to insist invitations were handed out then it becomes playground parents clique. As they get older more invitations are done by parent/message, because you have more of each other's numbers from previous parties and play dates; or kids are able to more subtly tuck cards into each other's school trays. I think you just need to explain to your DD about some parties having strict limits on numbers.

Mentioning the friendship issues and asking teacher to keep an eye out would not be unreasonable.

I'd agree that maybe the invites could be handed out a bit more privately, (not that easy, though), but it's not bullying. It really isn't

OP I would definitely speak to the teacher. She needs to know that your DD is having friendship issues (if she doesn't already). They usually have methods that they can try to use with a child struggling to integrate. It might sound like I'm blaming your DD which I'm not, some kids are really good at social stuff and learn these skills very quickly (some by watching parental role models or having an innate ability to understand how to navigate through someone's tricky feelings) and some take a lot longer and need more input. Because it's so common, there should be a system in place already whereby they will give your DD opportunities to gel with other kids.

The invitation thing is so unpleasant and usually only Queen-Bee-in-the-making type kids do that kind of thing. Most parents - and kids tbh - realise how awful it is to be deliberately excluded like that and try to be careful and discreet about passing out invitations. "I want to contact the teacher and explain the effect this sort of thing can have on children." You don't need to tell the teacher that it makes kids feel terrible, she will have had more experience of this than you.

My DD only ever wanted a small party, so I was always able to contact parents individually, outside school.
Had she wanted a big party, and the school hadn't allowed invites to at least go into book bags, we'd have had a problem, because there's no way I'd have let her leave anyone out, but I would have had no way of getting an invite to the traveller kids, or anyone new. There's a risk that "no invites in school" means that some kids end up excluded just because their parents are not part of the main parent community. We've seen plenty of posts on here from mums who haven't managed to break into the mum crowd because they don't do pick-ups, or are just very shy.

Can’t comment on the wider issue but in our school it’s no invites in class - parents WhatsApp or text instead. This type of thing can hurt when you’re a kid!

this. ( from a retired primary teacher)

Working parent here too. We have a class WhatsApp group with everyone’s number. When my eldest started it was an email list. One parent volunteered to set it up, big job for about a week but very useful then for the next 8 years.

I really appreciate everyone's view on this. In the cold light of day I have calmed down a bit and realise that helping my daughter navigate these feelings is the best course of action.
Regarding the friendships, I'm going to try and let her navigate this herself for another few days before contacting the school.
She goes into school happy and comes out happy so maybe she just wants to potter about at breaks.
Parenting is an emotional minefield..... And she's only 6!!!
What is still to come 🤦‍♀️

I agree that invites should not be handed out in school.

I recently organised a party for my child, where only close friends were invited. It was at a venue, with a price per head, and I’m not made of money, I had to set limits on numbers. Due to class sizes, and boy/girl ratios, that meant only a few children of the same sex as my dc were not invited. I wouldn’t have dreamed of having my dc hand out party invites in school in front of the other children, because that’s unnecessarily unkind.

I don’t do drop off or pick up, and do you know what, I managed. I wonder how all those previous posters who claim that they couldn’t possibly find any other way participate in normal school life. Some examples: Christmas / end of year collections at our school are typically organised by WhatsApp or Facebook group chats. You get added by osmosis - I create the group, add those parents I know, they invite others to the group, and so on. When you want to find the contact details of a specific parent you look on the previous WhatsApps. Or you ask around. We have a school facebook group. You can message people there. I have friends with children at a lot of different schools and I’ve never heard of one where there is no form of parent whatsapp/Facebook/some other means to communicate with other parents.

The issue with the invitations isn’t for the teacher but the fact your child is struggling with friendships is something to take to the teacher.

I am so glad in our school we do whole class parties at this age. We have smaller classes though 19/20 so easily doable. At this age it's horrible to leave a child out even if it's 3/15. Also an invite is done through our parents whatsapp group, so shitty behaviour like this would be plain to see. I really think at this age It should be managed by the parents. Our school also doesn't allow invites in school time.

I couldn’t agree more.
Just because you work that doesn’t mean you get the right to make kids feel completely dejected and excluded. It’s a horrible, unkind thing to do- send the kid in to get themselves or the teacher hand out invites to the chosen ones. Absolutely awful. I would never have done this to any of the kids in my child’s class and they had a party every year.
Convenient and easy for you but you are making other children feel like shit.

Not being at the school gates on a general basis DOESNT mean this is ok.
But to be honest, most parents really don’t give 2 shits about other kids. Only themselves.

Definitely bring it up as general issue of invites in class. Many schools don't allow it because of your reasons. And you should speak to the school about your daughter's struggles to make friends etc. It's worth asking what she does/who she plays with at lunch time because many children (including mine) say they didn't play with anyone and they actually are!

Please don’t try and “explain” children’s behaviour to a teacher, it would make you look incredibly stupid. Yes, the party thing is horrible and so much angst is caused by it. It is a particularly nasty life lesson for both parents and teachers that could so easily be avoided. Our English primary school allowed kids to hand out party invites in the playground causing, as you have experienced, a lot of upset. Our Australian school had a class list and party invites were not allowed to be handed out anywhere on school grounds, they needed to either be posted or sent electronically. The queen bee mum who thought she could be clever and hand them out in the car park got roasted by the head of primary, nobody tried it again. Made life SO much easier.

DCs of working parents have to give out invitations at school but outside the gate at the end of the day is best.

None of the teachers' business who is or isn't invited. They won't be interested.

Can someone please tell me how they would manage handing out invites, in a 3 form entry where the classes are mixed up each year and DC has friends in each class. Many parents not on the group WhatsApp. I could just invite the parents I'm friends with or those who have decided to be part of the WhatsApp but actually I don't think this would be at all inclusive.

How many schools have you worked in @Saynotothefishtank ?
I'm just wondering where you get "most" from, as I have never come across that, as a teacher or a parent. (either of your pronouncements )

but I stand by my view that whoever is organising the party should distribute the invites so that the teacher is not put in the uncomfortable position of having to give to some and not to others

..........and yet still no-one has explained how a working parent is supposed to be able to do this in a school that hasn't broken GDPR by handing over contact information for all parents. (Putting aside the rather strange assumption that a teacher is made uncomfortable by this). Okay, some people have said on this page "the class WhatsApp Group" - but that is a MASSIVE assumption that there is such a thing.

Sorry OP, but this is life. Your daughter now knows that this 'friend' isn't the friend she thought she was.

Parents don't always know who the other parents are and sending invites to school means the kids will get to know about the party. Handing out invites has been done in school for years. I'm 40s and remember handing out party invites, getting party invites, and being included or excluded from parties. It's part of learning life skills to manage these kind of things.

Focus on supporting your daughter to manage these hurdles and obstacles. You are clearly a mum that loves her daughter, and that's great! Now you need to help her develop resilience and social skills to handle the many difficulties she will face through life.

For all those who think invitations don’t belong at school… how does that solve feelings of exclusion when not everyone is invited, and kids inevitably talk about the party at school? I think it’s much better to teach kids that they won’t always be invited to everything and that’s ok, than to play mad games to try to have certain kids not see invitations.

My DD is definitely aware of parties that her friends or classmates have been to that she hasn’t, because kids will come in on Monday and talk about how much fun they had at the zoo at so-and-so’s party. I know that my 5yo DD told her class how excited she was about her party when her teacher asked “what are you looking forward to this weekend”. Only 5 kids were invited, but I didn’t hear of any problems arising from children knowing that a party was happening without them. It’s something that happens in life!

I did explain this actually. I am a working parent who doesn’t do drop off or pick up. I managed. There is a school Facebook group. I know some of the parents, they know other parents. You ask around. I don’t know of any schools where there is no mechanism for parents to contact each other. I really wonder how parents who claim to have no idea how they could possibly handle invite distribution participate in other areas of school life like teacher gift collections, returning other children’s uniform that your children come home wearing, locating your own child’s missing uniform, PTA collections, finding out what the weekly spellings are when your child has forgotten their planner, play dates, and so on. I’m sure there are people who do not do any of this, and I’m sure their lives are very restful, but I really think they are in the minority.

And I agree, knowing that they won’t be invited to everything is definitely worth learning, I know some parents who could do with learning it to where it relates to their children.

But at the age of 6, as OP’s dd is, I think there are ways and means of doing this, and handing the invitations out in school in front of the children not invited is not one of them.

I really wonder how parents who claim to have no idea how they could possibly handle invite distribution participate in other areas of school life like

• teacher gift collections - not a thing is all schools. I've never been asked to contribute to a whole class gift (as a parent) and never received one (as a teacher)
• returning other children’s uniform that your children come home wearing - er....send it back in to school in the morning (or after you have washed it if feeling kind)
• locating your own child’s missing uniform - depending on age of the child, either reminding them to go and look for it in the morning, or mentioning it to breakfast club staff if that seems appropriate.
• PTA collections - again, not come across PTAs just collecting money, or, if you mean collecting bottles for the tombola or something, then it gets sent in with the child in the morning
• finding out what the weekly spellings are when your child has forgotten their planner - well, if they don't bring them home, they can't learn them and probably won't do so well and they might or might not learn from that
• play dates - well, if you are at work, there isn't o much opportunity to invite other dc home for tea or to play, but, if really want to then sending child with a note to give to their friend would seem a sensible way to pass your number on to friend's parent

I am surprised that you can't understand people might be in a different position from you, and manage just fine with their circumstances.