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AIBU?

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Original poster

On holiday with boyfriend - not going great due to family

101 replies

Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 10:21

Boyfriend of 5 months and I are on holiday for 1 week. Visiting my parents for 3 days ( staying in a hotel) and 4 days elsewhere. First day was great as we had alone time. Next day we spent with my parents who are very intense. Basically we are happy wandering about stopping for coffee etc. said we didn’t want to do long car trips, just enjoy the villages and sun. Both been stressed at work so just wanted to chill and not have a timetable. Place we are at is very quiet and not much to do. I did warn him, but he said he was happy to be with me.

My parents idea is to spend every waking minute with us - timetabled out. They wanted to take us out for a short car ride for lunch, she said 30 mins max. Ended up being a 4 hr round trip in a car with a huffy mum as she thought we should of planned to do stuff. We were not happy as she lied to us in destination. Parents talked at us whole way there - exhausted at the end with no 2 way conversation.

Boyfriend is being polite, but I can tell is hating it. We plan to leave early tomorrow to next destination. I did warn him they are a lot before he booked and parents will take over. Had a quiet word with my mum and she has left us alone now, but is not happy.

boyfriend and me are now sitting in silence - he normally is very affectionate . Was Not the romantic break I imagined. I hope this is situational and not a turn for worse in our relationship. I hope next place with more to do with bring us alive again.

help with what to do. I feel my relationship is doomed

OP posts:
ClaireEclair · 05/09/2022 13:31

Have had similar holidays with my DH when we first met. Took him to see my parents and family who live in a small, quiet town. Nothing to do, not even a local pub. My family have their own little quirks. He hated it and wanted to get a hotel in a bigger city nearby but I wouldn’t let him. We’re still together 14 years later but I usually visit my family alone now. He visits at Christmas and maybe a weekend here and there. Didn’t break us up. Just realised our limits with family.

Frances658 · 05/09/2022 13:33

I’d apologise profusely to your BF, three days with intense parents is not a good idea. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you recognise that it was a mistake, and that it won’t happen again. Then limit all other visits to a day max, your parents will need to learn that they’ll need to be less full on if you’re going to spend an extended period with them again. This isn’t your fault, you tried to talk to your parents, they should have listened to you. They’re probably still in the mindset that you’re their child, so what they want goes. They’ll learn soon enough that you’re an adult, and they can’t railroad you into things, if you don’t let them.

Delatron · 05/09/2022 13:38

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 12:48

But op had planned to visit her parents, then after making those arrangements invited her boyfriend along. So she ditched the visiting of parents tospend time with her boyfriend.

Show quote history

Ok so she should have gone to see parents alone and had a separate holiday with boyfriend. It’s not the time to combine the two!

2021mumma · 05/09/2022 13:58

Why on earth would you want to holiday with your parents and bring bf when you’ve only been together 5 months?

5 months you should still be in honeymoon period enjoying your own time!

You know your own parents and should have foreseen this!

phishy · 05/09/2022 14:37

Who is paying for the hotel, OP? Are you subbing him?

Hurrrrrah · 05/09/2022 14:53

"Was Not the romantic break I imagined."

You wanted a romantic get away so went away with your parents 🤣, seems an odd choice for a holiday so early on in a relationship? If my husband would have suggested this I'd have politely declined (18 years on I would still politely decline a week away with his parents). We go away with my parents but this is since having children, our holidays are separate but at the same place we then pick and chose when we meet up, no one is on someone else's holiday, this is the only situation I'd holiday with parents. My in laws would do exactly what yours are doing, I'd rather have no holiday. Your poor boyfriend, I hope this isn't his only holiday.

5128gap · 05/09/2022 15:08

Frances658 · 05/09/2022 13:33

I’d apologise profusely to your BF, three days with intense parents is not a good idea. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you recognise that it was a mistake, and that it won’t happen again. Then limit all other visits to a day max, your parents will need to learn that they’ll need to be less full on if you’re going to spend an extended period with them again. This isn’t your fault, you tried to talk to your parents, they should have listened to you. They’re probably still in the mindset that you’re their child, so what they want goes. They’ll learn soon enough that you’re an adult, and they can’t railroad you into things, if you don’t let them.

Unless the OP tricked him into it by pretending she'd booked a romantic break for two, then pulled her parents out of the suitcase shouting 'surprise!' at the last minute, what on earth does she have to apologise for? Never mind profusely! As a grown man I'm sure he's aware parents come in all personality types. They weren't unpleasant or rude, made him welcome in their home, they were just chatty and boring and took them know one overly long trip, as far as I can tell. The OP has been with this man 5 months. Under no circumstances should she be falling on her sword, pandering round trying to make it up to him over one boring day. What a precedent that would set for their future.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 15:19

Frances658 · 05/09/2022 13:33

I’d apologise profusely to your BF, three days with intense parents is not a good idea. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you recognise that it was a mistake, and that it won’t happen again. Then limit all other visits to a day max, your parents will need to learn that they’ll need to be less full on if you’re going to spend an extended period with them again. This isn’t your fault, you tried to talk to your parents, they should have listened to you. They’re probably still in the mindset that you’re their child, so what they want goes. They’ll learn soon enough that you’re an adult, and they can’t railroad you into things, if you don’t let them.

I reckon its her parents she needs to apologise to not the boyfriend. She has been extremely rude to her mother who was probably really looking forward to seeing her and spending some time together.

Original poster
Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 16:53

Some content. Parents work so I would of been spending time alone. Up till last week they had one day off so we planned to spend it with them and meet for coffee and dinner etc.

they decided to take more time off. We said let’s do things and planned a day out which turned into a long car journey. Out plan was to potter about and meet up with them during breaks and after. That’s what I would of been doing alone.

Holiday was combining a week we have off and were going to go on a city break. As we were flying into my parents country combined both trips.

OP posts:
Frances658 · 05/09/2022 17:19

In future you're going to need to be firmer with your parents. If they don't live in the same country as you, how often do you visit? Your relationship might be quite different by the time you next visit as a couple, so your BF might be more keen on a whole day out with them. Even so, you don't want a repeat of the 4 hour car journey, so you might find it easier if you don't let your parents plan your activities. Given that your BF will be with you, and they don't know him well so can't really organise something for him, use that as an excuse to take the lead on organising next time. Plan a meal out etc, and make excuses as to why you can't do anything more protracted if your parents suggest something else.

Original poster
Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 17:28

@Frances658 i don’t visit often maybe once a year, but to be fair my parents haven’t been to see me for over 5 years.

we were firm. We said let’s do something and potter about. They suggested a 30 minute car journey which turned into 4 hrs round trip. They wanted to chat. I did say it’s not one of your long car journeys and she said no.

tToday we had planned a trip befire I knew they had taken an extra day off, said come with us, but we have tickets to do an activity for an hour or so, so can meet later. They refused.

OP posts:
Frances658 · 05/09/2022 18:26

What happened then, after they'd declined your offer to meet later? It seems odd to decline, a bit like they're having a strop because you wouldn't spend the day with them! I guess you just need to avoid situations where you can't leave when you want (like car journeys), if they're not going to respect your wishes. Keep it to "we'll meet at X restaurant at x time", so you have more control of the situation, until they listen to you. Good luck!

titchy · 05/09/2022 18:36

It's 3 days FFS, not six months. They haven't seen you for a year, of course they're going to want to spend the whole 3 days with you. I'm a bit gin smacked you think it's ok to go to the country your parents live in once a year and only spend one day with them. You've got the romantic four days with boyfriend to come. If you wanted seven days of romantic holiday you shouldn't have booked to see your parents.

Scout2016 · 05/09/2022 19:01

I think it's a bit unfair to take your new boyfriend along when you visit parents you only see once a year and then grumble about spening time with them. You weren't really going to see them you were going for a romantic break and they were an inconvenience by the sounds. And instead of worrying about offending them you are stressing about boyfriend because your parents wanted to talk to you having not seen you for a year, and it might have been dull for him.
Bit insensitive of you in my opinion.

Imagine the flip side "I went to see my parents who I only see once a year and they couldn't even be bothered to book a day off work to make time for me."

Darbs76 · 05/09/2022 19:11

If you haven’t seen your parents for 5yrs and had planned to visit alone I can see why they are upset that your new boyfriend tagged along and now you don’t want to spend much time with them. I guess lying to you where the lunch was wasn’t nice but can’t you see that they’d want some time with you?

Harridan1981 · 05/09/2022 20:33

Wow, you haven't seen them in 5 years and you take this attitude?! Your priorities are all skewed.

PinkTonic · 05/09/2022 20:42

NovaDeltas · 05/09/2022 11:34

Visiting parents is always dreadful. Visiting someone else's parents is hellish. What did you expect? Of course he's bored out of his wits. There's nothing romantic about being with some random older couple fussing and complaining.

What a strange holiday.

How sad. I’ve just come back from a holiday with my husband’s two daughters and their partners and we all thoroughly enjoyed our week. They invited us.

Frances658 · 05/09/2022 21:38

It's OP's parents who haven't visited HER in 5 years, she visits them once a year. But yes, with hindsight the visit shouldn't have included the BF. OP should probably visit on her own in future, so she can spend some proper time with her parents. BF can always join OP after a few days if they want.

Strangeways19 · 06/09/2022 18:44

I think your parents probably really miss you & may be a bit lonely perhaps. Perhaps you could visit them another time without boyfriend to spend time with them. I don't know I just feel a bit bad for them.

As others have said it's just a bump in the road it'll be fine with boyfriend I wouldn't worry . If it doesn't survive this little blip it's not worth it. But I'm sure it will be fine

CactusBlossom · 06/09/2022 18:45

"Was Not the romantic break I imagined"

I don't think anyone would have expected time with your parents when visiting with your boyfriend would have amounted to a romantic break! Still, you warned him, and you have got over the initial "meeting the parents" hurdle. He seems to have survived the ordeal! From your parents' point of view, I'm guessing you don't see them that much because they are so intense, and as they don't see you that often they become more intense to compensate... and so it continues.

Strangeways19 · 06/09/2022 18:45

Frances658 · 05/09/2022 21:38

It's OP's parents who haven't visited HER in 5 years, she visits them once a year. But yes, with hindsight the visit shouldn't have included the BF. OP should probably visit on her own in future, so she can spend some proper time with her parents. BF can always join OP after a few days if they want.

There might be a really good reason for the parents not visiting though like mobility issues

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/09/2022 18:47

Way to early for a few days with parents - even if staying with them. Esp when you know they are intense. Just apologise for whatever was wrong with your time with them and make light of not having to do it for another year ir whatever.

Folklore9074 · 06/09/2022 19:38

This is all really odd.

On the one hand you imagined you were going to have a romantic break with your very new boyfriend... and you took him to stay with your parents. Hmmm.

On the other you take you boyfriend of only five months to see your 'intense' parents who it transpires you've not see in over five years.

Feels super obvious this was never going to work out in the way you intended.

Vodkafairy99 · 06/09/2022 21:40

Why on earth would you take your parents with you/invite them along on a romantic break?? Especially if they are that intense, what did you think would happen?? You'll need a holiday from your holiday when you get home!

Thepossibility · 06/09/2022 21:50

My DH and I went on a holiday with his parents when we were not long together. I still shudder to think of it. Too small hire car because it was the cheapest. Accommodation away from everything because it was the cheapest. MIL insisted on making every meal because....you guessed it. I was sold the holiday by being told we'd all go off and do our own thing hahahaha nope. That would be rude! To top it off MIL caught a virus on the plane over so could barely contain her dislike for me in her weakened state (she didn't contain it).
The holiday shouldn't have happened.

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