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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

On holiday with boyfriend - not going great due to family

101 replies

Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 10:21

Boyfriend of 5 months and I are on holiday for 1 week. Visiting my parents for 3 days ( staying in a hotel) and 4 days elsewhere. First day was great as we had alone time. Next day we spent with my parents who are very intense. Basically we are happy wandering about stopping for coffee etc. said we didn’t want to do long car trips, just enjoy the villages and sun. Both been stressed at work so just wanted to chill and not have a timetable. Place we are at is very quiet and not much to do. I did warn him, but he said he was happy to be with me.

My parents idea is to spend every waking minute with us - timetabled out. They wanted to take us out for a short car ride for lunch, she said 30 mins max. Ended up being a 4 hr round trip in a car with a huffy mum as she thought we should of planned to do stuff. We were not happy as she lied to us in destination. Parents talked at us whole way there - exhausted at the end with no 2 way conversation.

Boyfriend is being polite, but I can tell is hating it. We plan to leave early tomorrow to next destination. I did warn him they are a lot before he booked and parents will take over. Had a quiet word with my mum and she has left us alone now, but is not happy.

boyfriend and me are now sitting in silence - he normally is very affectionate . Was Not the romantic break I imagined. I hope this is situational and not a turn for worse in our relationship. I hope next place with more to do with bring us alive again.

help with what to do. I feel my relationship is doomed

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 05/09/2022 12:37

Harridan1981 · 05/09/2022 11:54

Tbh, if your parents are loving and kind then him already joking about not spending Christmas with them/criticising them would get my back up.

Yeah I agree.

My in-laws are a LOT and I do make these kind of jokes, but I've known them for a decade and live five minutes from them so it can get a bit much. He's met them once, was huffy about being taken out for lunch and is now saying that? And you think your relationship is doomed because you didn't have a romantic day out with your parents in tow? Presumably you live away from your parents so you can have romantic days out the other 362 days of the year!

You both sound really immature to be honest.

FlySwimmer · 05/09/2022 12:41

Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 11:20

my mum had only says would spend one day with us. But that was trapped in a car. we Agee’s for that.

When we arrived she sprung another day on us. Managed to get us away from that. We had planned to meet for coffee and dinner for the other3 days. Parents decided otherwise.

is it normal to be sat together travelling fir a day out , him reading and me on my phone?

When I’m trapped in the car with my in-laws, I sleep (or pretend to) if it’s a journey of any significant length. I know exactly what you mean about being talked at, and now I know the only real way to avoid it is to sleep! DH and I have been together 10 years

Delatron · 05/09/2022 12:43

I think it’s too soon to subject him to that after 5 months. I’d have done a quick drink in a pub or waited another few months.
If you are due to see your parents you do that separately. Not on a romantic break with newish boyfriend. It really is early days.

You should have said ‘no parents we’ll meet up another time’. And had a nice holiday with new boyfriend.

Ohnohedident · 05/09/2022 12:45

You are not responsible for his happiness!
Chill out.
If the relationship is worth anything he needs to accept you as you are.

You need to step back emotionally and put yourself first more, Iv been there, believe me, desperation is not attractive.

RealBecca · 05/09/2022 12:48

Overblowing this. No wonder hes quiet, hes probably enjoying some peace after your non stop parental monologue. To then have to reassure you everything is fine is an extra drain. So your parents are hard work. You dont see them often, next time go alone and spare him. Bit harsh to pressure them to be different when you know what they are like just to try and proactively appease your boyfriend because your worried he will be cross with you because of their behaviour. All very intense. Lighten up and try to enjoy yourself a bit. Laugh about it when you come home.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 12:48

Delatron · 05/09/2022 12:43

You should have said ‘no parents we’ll meet up another time’. And had a nice holiday with new boyfriend.

But op had planned to visit her parents, then after making those arrangements invited her boyfriend along. So she ditched the visiting of parents tospend time with her boyfriend.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/09/2022 12:49

You should have said ‘no parents we’ll meet up another time’. And had a nice holiday with new boyfriend

Or no bf we will go away a different time if the trip to see parents had already been arranged

Tiani4 · 05/09/2022 12:50

We have turned down invites. We only arranged one day with them - they tried to hijack more. My parents have no boundaries. I have told them.

You're an adult so it's ok to say "no mum we have plans, we can come to you for 2 hours, bf and I are on holiday chilling out together "

It's ok to say that it was a bit too much yesterday to do a 4 hour car drive (!!) and that bf and you want to be spontaneous and visit places just the two of you.

Your mum can't hijack you without your permission or compliance.
My older DCs are new adults and I've learnt to let them be, come and go as they please and to feel blessed if I see them for dinner or for they sit and have a cup of tea with me!! . (Mine would string me up if I tried even a two hour sightseeing drive with me!!! 😱!)
Also my DCs would simply say "mum stop talking at us, I'm getting a headache" if I talk too much... I prefer they say rather than "suffer in silence" (as they'd see it) and then avoid me in the future! I'm in my 50s and say to my mum when she's getting too much too, but more politely than my DCs (Hey mum, it's lovely to hear your news but it's getting an information overload, can we sit quietly for a bit, thanks" or "we're off to do our own thing now as have socialised for a bit.. luv ya mum dad ... will call you later "

VictoriaConcordiaCrescit · 05/09/2022 12:53

I would hope that you know what your parent's are like as they're your parent's

Why subject your bf to this?

One day would have been a better idea

I imagine that you're very young and they still treat you like a child

Tiani4 · 05/09/2022 12:56

I learnt from my MIL who used to say to my young DCs (her DGCs) when we popped by to visit her at her house (or to all of us when she visited us)
"I've had enough of talking now, I'm going to read my book"

She'd literally say this after an hour of playing (DCs were very chattery) or (if to us adults, of mostly her!) talking , then she would get her book out and ignore everyone for a few hours!!

When DCs bothered her she'd say "I'm reading my book and don't want to talk"

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 12:58

Harridan1981 · 05/09/2022 11:54

Tbh, if your parents are loving and kind then him already joking about not spending Christmas with them/criticising them would get my back up.

It sounds like OP and the BF have been joking about how overbearing they are, so it’s not like it’s a particularly outrageous comment in that context.

—————
Op, YANBU. Some people are overbearing. You can love them and still find them too much at times. Not everyone wants to have the type of family relationships where everything revolves around ‘the family’.

You arranged to see her for one day and she tried to dominate all three days. You’re not wrong to put boundaries in place and enjoy your holiday as you want to.

Sandra1984 · 05/09/2022 12:58

A boyfriend of 5 months deserves a one hour meal with your parents, no more. Why did you put the poor guy through this? No need. Poor guy.

mamabear715 · 05/09/2022 12:59

@Hottimesahead
Tbh it sounds intense even if you'd been married for 25 yrs!
Am sure you & BF will be fine. :-)

whumpthereitis · 05/09/2022 13:00

And I can well believe the four hours being stuck in the car. I’ve spent that just sat in traffic on the m25, more than once.

Tiani4 · 05/09/2022 13:01

Yanbu
It does sound like your parents why too excited when they see you that they want to soak up every minute they can with you. My parents do this ... I hope you take it with the love and affection place it comes from. But also say something , not necessarily infront of your bf but in a "mum I love you but you're being a bit full in right now" way

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 13:01

Sandra1984 · 05/09/2022 12:58

A boyfriend of 5 months deserves a one hour meal with your parents, no more. Why did you put the poor guy through this? No need. Poor guy.

I dont understand why people are saying poor guy? He hijacked ops visit to her parents, then op decided she wanted a romantic break with him and not spend any time with her parents who she was supposed to be visiting.

The boyfriend sounds like a prick to me, he should have let her go visit her parents without tagging along then moping about.

Red flags all over this one.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 13:01

Tiani4 · 05/09/2022 12:56

She'd literally say this after an hour of playing (DCs were very chattery) or (if to us adults, of mostly her!) talking , then she would get her book out and ignore everyone for a few hours!!

When DCs bothered her she'd say "I'm reading my book and don't want to talk"

I think I love your MIL!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 13:05

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 05/09/2022 10:34

Well any romantic break that I have been on certainly didn't involve my parents.

Are you very young OP?

To be fair to OP, she's probably visiting her home country (?), maybe not been able to see them much due to Covid etc and thought it would be ok to take her boyfriend.

Agreed though, most new romantic breaks didn't involve parents at all too busy having sex or wandering around in love/lust!

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 13:05

You have only been together for a few months, what on earth are you doing spending days and days with either family? It is too early and it is highlighting the fact you don't know each other very well, at all. You haven't built up the relationship to the degree needed to deal with holidays/intense families and too much time together. Can you cut it short?

Or go elsewhere?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 13:10

Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 11:44

We have turned down invites. We only arranged one day with them - they tried to hijack more. My parents have no boundaries. I have told them.

@Stircrazyschoolmum think you need to read carefully. Was not an exaggeration, not a special lunch. She has form for doing this to so end time with her kids. No not young, didn’t drag my boyfriend.

Why on earth did you subject your newish boyfriend to this based on all this info? If it were me, I'd be backing away fast and certainly not introducing a new boyfriend with this pressure. Or are your parents (mum?) putting lots of pressure on you to meet this newish boyfriend now/so soon? I'm also a bit staggered that you're not young and still doing this...

I can also see as PPs have said, that of course your mum/DP's want to spend more time with you and you do come across as a bit bratty.

Hopefully things will work out though.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/09/2022 13:13

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 13:01

The boyfriend sounds like a prick to me, he should have let her go visit her parents without tagging along then moping about.

Red flags all over this one.

Show quote history

This.

Boyfriend of five months invites himself on holiday and then is surprised it involves visiting parents.

The poor parents looking forward to seeing their DD wanting to spend time with her and organising fun things.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 13:15

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/09/2022 13:01

The boyfriend sounds like a prick to me, he should have let her go visit her parents without tagging along then moping about.

Red flags all over this one.

Show quote history

But suppose it's OP who insisted/wanted to take her boyfriend along and wanted to see/spend time with her parents until new boyfriend came along? Could be OP or her new man who's at fault here.

bumpytrumpy · 05/09/2022 13:18

Hottimesahead · 05/09/2022 11:20

my mum had only says would spend one day with us. But that was trapped in a car. we Agee’s for that.

When we arrived she sprung another day on us. Managed to get us away from that. We had planned to meet for coffee and dinner for the other3 days. Parents decided otherwise.

is it normal to be sat together travelling fir a day out , him reading and me on my phone?

Why do you parents get to decide how you spend your holiday?

That should be a red flag to him about you.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 05/09/2022 13:18

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/09/2022 13:15

But suppose it's OP who insisted/wanted to take her boyfriend along and wanted to see/spend time with her parents until new boyfriend came along? Could be OP or her new man who's at fault here.

Show quote history

I was going away and joked he should come and save me

SheeWeee · 05/09/2022 13:28

Iwantmyoldnameback · 05/09/2022 11:39

This absolutely.

Show quote history

"this absolutely" only if you either can't read or you're also a nightmare mother!!
She basically fucking kidnapped them and OP is supposed to be grateful? Get a hold of yourself!

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