Would like to go to graduation

[Flutterbybudget]

My DS just graduated.this Summer
I asked him when his ceremony is, and it’s in November
Hes taking his girlfriend (fair) and his grandmother (my ex MIL) who was awful to me for years, and has very little to do with him for the past 5 years. She ignores 2 of my other children and has caused innumerable problems for my family over the years.
Neither she, nor my ex have supported my DS in uni, financially or with lifts/ accommodation through the holidays or Covid.
I don’t want to say anything to him, because it wouldn’t make any difference. Even if he changed his plans now, and invited me, I’d know that he’d wanted her to go instead of me. I’m just venting, but I’m really hurt.
I’ve done everything for him and his siblings since my husband and I separated. Financially, emotionally, lifts, my time etc. and it feels like a slap in the face tbh.
(I suspect, that he’s decided that he didn’t want to have to choose between me and his dad, and I can’t really blame him for that, I suppose, even if his dad hasn’t done much for him).

Has he explained why? Is it a practical thing? I'd at least ask him to explain why he feels it's more important to have either of them there than you. And I'd ask him to acknowledge how hurtful it is.

He is old enough for you to have a conversation about this with him and tell him how hurt you are. It's shit.

I genuinely think he didn’t want to have to choose between me and his dad, so hasn’t invited either of us. He’s got space for 2 people, and wanted his girlfriend to be there with him (they’ve been together for 4 years, so not a “flash in the pan”) which I understand.

I suppose I’d taken it for granted that I’d get to see him graduate, he’s the first of my children to do so, and it’s a huge deal for me. I know I’m being selfish to feel like this. But trying not to be, hence venting anonymously on here, instead of pushing my own feelings into him.

I’m sorry OP, that must feel terrible. On a practical note though, unis will often have raffles for extra tickets that will be allocated closer to the time so you can bring up to 4 people, I would ask him to check into this and see if he can enter. They also often have big screens or streams so that people can watch the ceremony from the uni and join in the celebrations afterwards as many people will have more than 2 people they would like to invite.

YANBU to be hurt

But YABU for not speaking to him about it

This is one of those issues where it will eat away at you long after the event has passed, you owe it to yourself to raise this with him and make it clear you want to go and you're hurt he has invited MIL over you

That must be devastating for you. I'm so sorry.

I think he's taken it for granted that you helped him through the whole process. I would try and tell him gently how hurt you feel and actually you're the one that deserves to be there.

I know it's not right but if you got invited and his dad didn't would his dad kick off? My parents hate each other so we don't ever have any family parties or gatherings (apart from our wedding) as we have to choose between inviting one and the other getting cross or the risk of an argument/ or a situation like Rachel's party in Friends where they slag the other off to us!

I wonder if he is just trying to avoid confrontation on what should be a happy day for him.

This.

Same as @OzonoffS said too.

If he is adult enough to be so hurtful, then he is adult enough to own it.

Most unis also operate a system where you can apply for extra tickets. Both my ex and his wife and my DH and I went too our sons' graduations simply by them asking for extra tickets (using the uni specific application for extras). Perhaps ask whether he is aware of this.

That’s what I think has happened.

I genuinely think he didn’t want to have to choose between me and his dad, so hasn’t invited either of us.

Obviously you are allowed to be hurt but this is a perfectly reasonable thought process on his part, can’t really blame him. And if you and his dad don’t get on then applying for extra tickets doesn’t help.
I don’t know why people are acting like he is being a dick, he isn’t. It’s his day and his feelings are the most important ultimately.

How would it go if you were up front and told him how you feel?

When I graduated I was allocated 2 tickets but applied for another 2 and got them.

There was nothing saying that the 4 ticket holders had to sit together, so in theory if your DS got 4 tickets you and his girlfriend could sit together, and his dad and grandmother could sit together. Then you could all watch.

You’re not being selfish, hes being thoughtless! Tell him how you feel. My ex and me both attended our DDs graduation!

Ours are shown via link to be screens - could you go along and go out for a meal afterwards. Get to see him in his gown and celebrate etc.

The actual ceremony is long and boring tbh!

I'd be gutted if my child decided that GF and Nan were invited over me. I'd have a word with him and tell him how hurt you feel. Personally I don't feel that a GF regardless of 4 years should get first dibs on a ticket and to decide neither parent comes because he wont make a decision must be hard on both parents. What does his father think?

Oh that’s really sad @Flutterbybudget

But you can go anyway did you know? Most universities put up big screens outside the Great Hall (or wherever the Degree Congregation is being held) because they know that generally graduates will have more than 2 guests with them. You can watch it on live video feed then join in the drinks party afterwards.

Unfortunately going out for a meal with his dad, and “his” family wouldn’t work. We didn’t get on when we were married, and I’m now the “bitch from hell”. Possibly if it was JUST his dad, but there’s too much history between the rest of us, for it to be “comfortable” for anyone.

Oh I wasn't meaning invite everyone tbh!!

It’s already booked. They (his dad, his dads fiancé, his dads mum, his dads sister and her fiancé) are all going to stay near the university, with my son and his girlfriend.
It’s a 3 hr drive from here.
I’m just feeling sad that I’ll miss out on the celebration.
(For background, my ex left me for my friend - his now fiancé and they tried to throw me and our children out of our home, which is why the divorce got “messy”)

OP My niece invited her bf of 3 years and me. She did not invite her parents. I felt awful for my sister and told my niece I would love to go but really she should invite her Mum because she would be so hurt if not invited. I watched via a video link and met up with her afterwards. My sister never knew I was invited before her and I told my niece never to mention it to anyone as it could get back to her Mum who would have been devastated. Niece still not close to her Mum but I just knew I could not go and hurt my sister who had not done anything wrong.

I think that you and your ex should have been prioritised over his girlfriend actually. I appreciate it maybe a serious relationship but you are the ones who have brought him up and probably helped him with his education. I would be really upset if DD had given her BF priority over DH and I.

You and ex should be chosen before his GF. Your sons judgement is so wrong.

His dad's sister and fiance are going too!? That's ridiculous.

Urgh.

I think you need to speak to your DS and tell him you are hurt to be left out when you have financially and otherwise support him.