Would like to go to graduation

[Flutterbybudget]

My DS just graduated.this Summer
I asked him when his ceremony is, and it’s in November
Hes taking his girlfriend (fair) and his grandmother (my ex MIL) who was awful to me for years, and has very little to do with him for the past 5 years. She ignores 2 of my other children and has caused innumerable problems for my family over the years.
Neither she, nor my ex have supported my DS in uni, financially or with lifts/ accommodation through the holidays or Covid.
I don’t want to say anything to him, because it wouldn’t make any difference. Even if he changed his plans now, and invited me, I’d know that he’d wanted her to go instead of me. I’m just venting, but I’m really hurt.
I’ve done everything for him and his siblings since my husband and I separated. Financially, emotionally, lifts, my time etc. and it feels like a slap in the face tbh.
(I suspect, that he’s decided that he didn’t want to have to choose between me and his dad, and I can’t really blame him for that, I suppose, even if his dad hasn’t done much for him).

I completely understand why you're feeling really sad not to be invited.

But I also think your son has been put in an incredibly difficult situation by the animosity between you and his father, and that this has probably been an issue for him all his life since the split, so I can see why he'd invite neither of you. I don't blame your son at all for his choice, as it isn't his fault he's the child of warring parents. The fact that this is the only solution he can find is pretty indicative of how difficult things have been made for him, and I suspect he feels bad enough about this already.

So YANBU to be gutted not to go, but YWBU to put any of this on your son's shoulders.

I was your son in this situation and it is one of those occasions (along with your wedding day) when you really ‘feel’ your parents’ divorce in a particularly acute way. It was really painful for me.

Would you and ex have been civil if you’d gone together? I invited both of my parents but it was incredibly awkward, they avoided each other and stood as far apart from each other as possible for as long as possible and then (I assume) barely acknowledged each other while sat together. Their partners came and met us outside and it was like one of those scenes in a film where a hostage gets handed over and has to walk across a bridge from one group to another. Mum and partner on one side, dad and partner on the other, me awkwardly walking between the two with tension that you can could cut with a knife. They were a little more civil at my masters’ graduation several years later when the dust had had a bit more time to settle, but it was still pretty unpleasant.

So while I get that your situation is really really hurtful I guess I can also sympathise with your son for finding a way to avoid the situation completely by just inviting two different people instead. That doesn’t make it any easier for you but maybe try not to think of it as a snub, think of it as your son trying to find a way around a really difficult problem.

This. You have been completely excluded and it seems for people who have not supported him. Your son cannot be that stupid that he cannot see how hurtful he is being not only for the lack of an invitation but also him 'celebrating' with them afterwards. You must say something as a PP said it will always be there if you don't address it.

@Flutterbybudget ask your son if the ceremony will be streamed online. I have watched graduation ceremony’s this way.

You are clearly a very good Mum, always putting your DC’s feelings first. Your DS is now an adult and whilst I appreciate you are doing the default mum thing of sacrificing your feelings for your DS , as you say this is a huge slap in the face.

Think - How would you feel if it was his wedding, that you helped pay for and organise, and he says thanks but you are not invited.

I think you owe it to yourself to have one conversation with your son. One reason for this is, if in future you ever reference not being invited he will say but you didn’t say anything at the time, if I’d known this is how you felt I would have invited you.

Start by asking if you can watch online from home as you are desperate to see him actually graduate. Whilst you respect his choice of inviting GF (I also think fair) you are hurt that you are so low down his list of people to invite. Then see what he says.

The other option is to go and watch on the big screen and then surprise him with a bottle of champagne/present. I know it’s 3 hours away so book yourself a nice hotel and invite him to brunch the next day.

I’m usually supportive of kids making their own choices but I would be devastated and I don’t think I could stop myself from telling him how upset this had made me. He’s in his twenties, not a child and certainly old enough to understand that his actions have consequences.

I would also be concerned that this is how important events are going to be in his life going forward. What about his wedding or when he has children? Will you just get pushed to one side then too?

I wouldn’t want to ruin his day but you are a far better mum that I am to keep this to yourself when it’s just so hurtful. I would be very disappointed in my ds if he did something like this.

I wouldn't say "desperate" it leaves you open to ridicule.

My sibling - for complicated reasons not entirly their fault - didn't invite me to their wedding. So now, even though it's been 30 years, i just ignore it completely. If anyone mentions it i say "really? i don't know i wasn't there" or if they show photos or ask about them "oh nice. I wasn't there" i don't acknowledge anniversaries or anything. It annoys them and spouse i know. I only told my mum recently that i do this, and she was a bit shocked that I'm so petty (don't know why, i am extremely petty). But i CBA with it.

If this happened to me I'd probably be the same. Just offhand. Inside? seething with disappointment

Financially she is u man likely to have.

And for his entire childhood into adulthood she won't have.

She's only been around for 4 years of his life compared to the 20+ years.

I had been with my now Dh for 6 years when I graduated and 5 years when Dh graduated. I did go to his graduation but only because he managed to 'win' a third ticket in the ballot. Same as mine.
We wouldn't have excluded our parents over one another. We had too much respect for the hard work and support our parents had given us for all the proceeding years!

I think this is one of those situations that isn't black or white - there's no right or wrong. Whatever your ds did he would upset people, I think perhaps he could have discussed it with you, rather than you having to ask and it does seem he's lacking empathy and good communication skills.

However after what you've described with the break up. house, ex friend, MIL etc he's probably just doing the easiest route right now and the most simple life and ultimately as their mum, they know we'll always be here to pick the pieces up. I've also had it where dad gets priority because he's stamping his feet the loudest - I just go along with it, as my son knows who is really there for him when he needs it.

Doormat and martyr post here. Why do you come last? Why do you have to be grateful for the crumbs?
My kids invite me first, not only because I've put their interests first all these years but because they have some sense of gratitude which i habe gelped instil in them.

Sounds like your exmil has been in action again. They are all some movers planning the dinner etc. It might mean your ds feels overwhelmed by them all. It is so difficult for you but l can understand how you don't want to add to the drama by making a fuss.
Maybe you could just ask him is there any reason you're not going.

Oh that's really hurtful OP. I would have to say something to your son about how hurt you are

I would be so hurt. Say to him I understand that you are taken some
one to the ceremony to represent your dads side to celebrate I would also like to celebrate on the day with you can we please go out for dinner

You’re son is definitely old enough to be told that you’re hurt by this. You seem to be the only one left out and that’s shitty of everyone. Talk to him and let him know how important it is for you that he’s graduating. Speak up x

My kids and I weren't that fussed about their graduations until they actually had them. A few of their friends didn't even attend theirs. Perhaps your son doesn't realise that for some people they are a massive deal.

Please please please speak to your son about this. Tell him how hurt you are. If he's adult enough to be graduating & have a partner of 4 years, he's adult enough to deal with his mums reasonable feelings xx

If you do take to him I would mention how 'hurt' you are. That would come across as manipulative and guilt trippy. I'd just ask if they was any way you could go.

Why are women (mums) always told to be mindful of everyone else's feeling. People advising OP not to guilt trip her son or upset him by letting him know she is hurt. I bet his dad just said take grandma , and me and new GF are coming along too. No pussyfooting around.
Please just tell him you are disappointed not to be there and that you feel hurt. I think he should know - he probably does know but also knows you won't make a fuss so it's easier for him.

I'm all for letting people know if they have hurt me but, other than upset her son, what would it achieve if the OP told her son she was hurt? It's not his fault his parents are at war with one another. He has been put in this awkward situation by them. (Albeit mainly the Dad) If the OP tells her son she is hurt and disappointed then it might sour the whole day for him. It might also effect how he sees his Mum.

@LollingAround I think that's my point. Why not 'upset' her son? Why should she be so mindful of his feelings. He must know it was mum who supported him through his childhood and Uni and if he doesn't perhaps OP should let him know.

I don't t mean confrontationally but just so he is aware she feels hurt. It would be different if it was just grandma going but he's celebrating with dad and new wife.

There may of course be other factors at play as why he's chosen dad and family over his mum but we can only go on what OP has told us so in that case she is justified in her upset.

You are right to be upset. You are not included in any of the celebrations on the actual day.

I think that your son is being very thoughtless and inconsiderate towards you . There is no harm in drawing his attention to this. Too often , women , especially mothers , supress their own feelings. He is an adult and should have said No to his Dad's family taking over the whole day. Is there anyone that can point this out to him ? So what, if he is made to feel guilty . He should take accountability for his decisions .
Can you tell that I am so very very sad for you?

All I can say is I would have been heartbroken to miss my DDs graduation.

I think it would be in order to let him know that, whilst it is a difficult situation and you know there is a limit on places, you are nevertheless very hurt by his decision. He is old enough to not be shielded from the consequences of his decisions and to be allowed to go on thinking "Oh it's only Mum, she won't mind." Mum is a person too and has feelings.

I think that's my point. Why not 'upset' her son? Why should she be so mindful of his feelings. He must know it was mum who supported him through his childhood and Uni and if he doesn't perhaps OP should let him know.

agree. OP is allowed to be upset and she is allowed to communicate that clearly to her son. And i say again: given what OP has posted i certainly wouldn't be hosting any celebrations. Maybe take him for lunch and that's it.

I wonder what will happen if he has kids and needs a free babysitter?

Have to admit I agree with this.

It's one thing to sidestep the awkward 'which parent to invite' thing by asking his nan along, but another entirely to then go on to spend the whole rest of the evening with his dad's family to the complete exclusion of you.

Tbh I wouldn't have a conversation in terms of who's supported him and who hasn't as it just puts a lot of guilt on him and he's probably already feeling bad about this - it has probably come about because he's told his dad he's inviting his nan, and his dad's gone 'Oh ok, that's fine, we'll all come along and celebrate with you afterwards' and it's likely spiralled from there.

I'd maybe have a casual chat with your son and say you wished he'd spoken to you before making all these plans as you'd have loved to see him graduate and would have attended with your ex in order to make that happen, even if you sat separately so as not to risk a scene etc. He still has until November to change his mind and let you be at the actual ceremony instead of his nan/gf.

In fact, it would be nice if you could attend the ceremony with his gf and then nan can be part of the celebration with the rest of her family that evening, then everyone has been included. I would directly ask this.

He didn’t mention it until I asked if he had a date yet
Nor did he apologise

Thank you
You make some really good points there