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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would like to go to graduation

82 replies

Flutterbybudget · 04/09/2022 16:54

My DS just graduated.this Summer
I asked him when his ceremony is, and it’s in November
Hes taking his girlfriend (fair) and his grandmother (my ex MIL) who was awful to me for years, and has very little to do with him for the past 5 years. She ignores 2 of my other children and has caused innumerable problems for my family over the years.
Neither she, nor my ex have supported my DS in uni, financially or with lifts/ accommodation through the holidays or Covid.
I don’t want to say anything to him, because it wouldn’t make any difference. Even if he changed his plans now, and invited me, I’d know that he’d wanted her to go instead of me. I’m just venting, but I’m really hurt.
I’ve done everything for him and his siblings since my husband and I separated. Financially, emotionally, lifts, my time etc. and it feels like a slap in the face tbh.
(I suspect, that he’s decided that he didn’t want to have to choose between me and his dad, and I can’t really blame him for that, I suppose, even if his dad hasn’t done much for him).

OP posts:
Meredithwho · 04/09/2022 20:02

I had this situation. My parents hadn’t seen each other since a very tense and acrimonious divorce about 8/9 years ago. I had graduation in the November and was getting married in the December. At graduation they both came, along with my fiancé and I just dealt with them as separate parties. We met up with a friend of mine who also had divorced parents but they got on so my dad was able to pair with her dad and our mums got drunk together. It was awkward to begin with but as the day went on it was fine, they completely ignored each other. It actually worked as a good practice run for the wedding.

watcherintherye · 04/09/2022 20:12

You can watch it on live video feed then join in the drinks party afterwards.

Live feed? Drinks party? Don’t bank on it!

Kite22 · 04/09/2022 20:17

dianthus101 · 04/09/2022 19:48

I think that you and your ex should have been prioritised over his girlfriend actually. I appreciate it maybe a serious relationship but you are the ones who have brought him up and probably helped him with his education. I would be really upset if DD had given her BF priority over DH and I.

I agree.

We've recently been to my dc's graduation. Her partner's was a couple of days later, and both of them came along for photos and for a meal out for each other's graduations, but the tickets for the ceremony in each case went to the parents.

SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 04/09/2022 20:26

I can see why he did it. I would feel sad too but I think I would understand. It's good that you aren't saying anything to him about it. If you say anything then it's going to come across as guilt tripping him and it's not his fault that he is in this situation (obviously! ).

I don't suppose he is going to do a masters?

Might he be up to having a celebration with you and your family. You could record the live stream and show everyone and do graduate style snacks.

dianthus101 · 04/09/2022 20:31

SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 04/09/2022 20:26

I can see why he did it. I would feel sad too but I think I would understand. It's good that you aren't saying anything to him about it. If you say anything then it's going to come across as guilt tripping him and it's not his fault that he is in this situation (obviously! ).

I don't suppose he is going to do a masters?

Might he be up to having a celebration with you and your family. You could record the live stream and show everyone and do graduate style snacks.

It is his fault as he should have invited his parents like just about every other soon-to-be graduate! They brought him up, not the GF. Also, what are "graduate style snacks"?

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 04/09/2022 20:33

SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 04/09/2022 20:26

I can see why he did it. I would feel sad too but I think I would understand. It's good that you aren't saying anything to him about it. If you say anything then it's going to come across as guilt tripping him and it's not his fault that he is in this situation (obviously! ).

I don't suppose he is going to do a masters?

Might he be up to having a celebration with you and your family. You could record the live stream and show everyone and do graduate style snacks.

We WILL have a family celebration, just sad to miss out on the actual ceremony 🤷‍♀️
Hey ho
First World Problems eh?

OP posts:
Dancingintherain19 · 04/09/2022 20:35

Feeling very sad for you. I think parents should be the priority. And sorry it’s really a day for them. My son took me, his dad and his grandad. His girlfriend of 5 years who he lives with and his brother came to campus and celebrated with us but didn’t have tickets.

Sending a virtual hug. xx

Hawkins001 · 04/09/2022 20:36

All the best and positivity op, I understand your perspectives and frustrations.

NerrSnerr · 04/09/2022 20:36

Could it be that dad, fiancé et al just invited themselves for the day and told him they're going for a meal?

Could you go down the night before and take him for a meal and watch on the big screen (or try and get an extra ticket) so you can still be there on the day? That way he gets to share it with both parents without the threat of a scene.

I did invite both parents to my graduation and spent the whole time worrying they'd argue, make snide comments and judge me for not equally splitting my time (when I actually just wanted to go to the pub). Unfortunately having parents that don't get on does suck the joy from these occasions.

Soapboxqueen · 04/09/2022 20:37

I think another issue here is that he's taking his girlfriend.

I was with my dh when we graduated but I would never have dreamt of taking the place of a parent etc for the ceremony.

Or his grandmother who he was very close to. I think I'd put myself 4th or 5th on the list.

All things being equal, it's a time for parents and close family to watch their child graduate.

OP I think I'd feel hurt in your position too but I doubt there's anything you can do about it.

Georgieporgie29 · 04/09/2022 20:44

Oh gosh, I don’t blame you for being hurt. I think he’s trying to do the right thing but he will regret it in the future. I do think you have to speak to him, not necessarily asking him to change it but just ‘I understand why you have done it but I am hurt’. I think the meal with all his dads family afterwards would have tipped me over the edge.
maybe his dad and family can find his future education/living costs

lailamaria · 04/09/2022 20:48

i can't believe people are saying he shouldn't invite his girlfriend, it's his graduation he's done the work why shouldn't he have his girlfriend there who has probably supported him as much as op has

Undertheoldlindentree · 04/09/2022 20:48

Ask him to apply for another ticket now - the spares go quickly. If they slready have, you may find friends on his course apply for extra and have spares on the day. We got an extra person in this way. They had to sit with friend's family as all numbered seating. Worked well though.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 04/09/2022 20:55

lailamaria · 04/09/2022 20:48

i can't believe people are saying he shouldn't invite his girlfriend, it's his graduation he's done the work why shouldn't he have his girlfriend there who has probably supported him as much as op has

Certainly more than his dad and his grandmother have anyway 😂😂

OP posts:
SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 04/09/2022 20:56

@dianthus101 Also, what are "graduate style snacks"? Fair comment 😅😅 iI was thinking graduation cake and some other themed snacks. See google for suggestions

LuftBalloons · 04/09/2022 21:04

Live feed? Drinks party? Don’t bank on it!

Well, it's what my university does. And there is prosecco & snacks for all afterwards in a big open space not limited to ticket holders.

(You must have to get in before the academic staff hoover up the drinks!)

SamLane · 04/09/2022 21:20

Could you go down the night before and take him for a meal and watch on the big screen (or try and get an extra ticket) so you can still be there on the day? That way he gets to share it with both parents without the threat of a scene.

Great idea.

We had similar. My DC mentioned the graduation and my ex invited himself and new (OW) wife.! DC wasn't strong enough to argue or state the case for what should happen.
We all went to the day, with extra tickets, but kept apart from each other and sat separately at the ceremony. DC met with ex for drinks and afterwards cane with me for a meal.

CactusBlossom · 04/09/2022 21:31

Undertheoldlindentree · 04/09/2022 20:48

Ask him to apply for another ticket now - the spares go quickly. If they slready have, you may find friends on his course apply for extra and have spares on the day. We got an extra person in this way. They had to sit with friend's family as all numbered seating. Worked well though.

⬆️ This is a good plan. He might have a friend who has spares. I remember attending one graduation (as an academic) and asking for guest tickets so one of our PhD students could have family and girlfriend with him. He might be able to get a ticket via his project supervisor (for example) this way, but it would be good fortune rather than the norm. I wonder whether ex-MIL elbowed her way to the front; it does seem an unusual choice for him to have asked her.

Soapboxqueen · 04/09/2022 21:34

lailamaria · 04/09/2022 20:48

i can't believe people are saying he shouldn't invite his girlfriend, it's his graduation he's done the work why shouldn't he have his girlfriend there who has probably supported him as much as op has

I was the girlfriend. We'd been together five years when my dh graduated.

I still think it's a time for parents not girlfriends unless there are extra tickets.

SD1978 · 04/09/2022 21:45

So he's taking his GF, and GM, then having massive celebratory meal with his dads relatives, leaving you at home with no invite, despite having done most of the support for the last 4 years. You're being very kind by trying to justify that he's trying not to prioritise either you or your ex but he's actually done just that by not prioritising the parent hat supported him most. I would be hurt, because he is prioritising his dad, and I would be having that conversation because maybe he doesn't see it

Selttan · 05/09/2022 12:44

Did your son actually say sorry for not inviting you? Or did he not even bother to tell you until you asked about going?

I think it's really sad that he's not invited the person that's been there for him and supported him and I think in later years he'll regret it.

Dogscanteatonions · 05/09/2022 12:52

You and his dad should have the tickets. I'm so sorry that he hasn't done this. My ex still hates me with a passion despite the fact he left me years ago. I have no idea why! I have as little to do with him as possible. However, on the day itself I didn't even see him. We sat in completely different areas.

I would honestly talk to him. He's old enough.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2022 14:12

I'd put my foot down and explain what you've written here. No way would I tolerate being pushed out of sonething like this in your situation. His Dad and your MIL came still attend the event and watch it in the big screen but you should actually be the one to attend in person.

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 14:18

It’s already booked. They (his dad, his dads fiancé, his dads mum, his dads sister and her fiancé) are all going to stay near the university, with my son and his girlfriend.

Frankly? You supported him and now you aren't even part of any of the graduation celebrations?

I would be Having Words. And they would be along the lines of being disappointed that you don't get a look in despite having been the only one there for him over the years and that he should think about that.

And then drop it. But next time he comes with hand out or wanting lifts or whatever I'd refer him to his dad. And that would probably spoil our relationship, but what the fuck? It's spoiled anyway, isn't it.

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 14:21

also i wouldn't be throwing him any kind of party. Not at all. And if he asks why, you can tell him that now you know where you come in the pecking order you've decided to prioritise yourself.

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