To think people on here are shockingly selfish?

104 replies

emergencyblimp · 04/09/2022 15:15

A few threads recently have made me think this. I don’t feel like an especially empathetic or generous person— I don’t have a lot to give (in a material sense) in the first place. In fact I live in an overcrowded council house on not much above minimum wage.

However, if someone is my guest, if I can help someone and it won’t make much of a difference in my life anyway, I’ll do it. Whether that be let one of the children’s friends stay for a bit if they’re having problems at home (and gasp I don’t make them pay board!); lend the neighbours some money if I can; pick up another child from school— whatever.

I’m not a doormat. If I can’t or don’t want to, I’ll say no. But it just doesn’t make sense to me how people on here can have such massive privileges and they won’t even share them with their own families, never mind neighbours or friends.

I get that sometimes situations on here have the potential to come out with a slightly negative for OP, but even so wouldn’t it be better to take a chance and really help someone, even if you do lose out a little bit?

Just really surprised by some opinions on here!

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/09/2022 18:55

MeanderingGently · 04/09/2022 15:31

I disagree. I'm amazed at the number of people on MN who feel they "have" to lend money or hand over their home to family just because there's more space, or who are afraid to say no to quite cheeky requests from friends, neighbours, workmates or adult children.

The answer is no. It isn't selfish; most people will help out where they can but there are limits and no-one "owes" anyone else anything just because of a difference in situations. I'm also amazed at the number of people who feel they have to have a reasonable excuse or valid reason to say no....you don't. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work. End.

It seems to me that many posters need to gain confidence in their own decisions, and that won't come from other posters branding them as 'selfish'.

My sentiments precisely. And in too many circumstances does a request or even invitation implicitly mean 'comply, or I'll have a Vesuvius-style tantrum'.

So let them have one. They'll just have to get happy again, and if they don't, that's on them. I'm done picking up other people's baggage.

As for this weird MN fixation on the dilemma 'to open the door or not open the door'. It's your home. Do as you see fit in it. Who the hell cares?

daisychain01 · 04/09/2022 18:58

maddiemookins16mum · 04/09/2022 18:42

Aside from the lending money (although to be fair it kinda depends how much), yanbu.
Mumsnet is pretty full of privileged, white women (you only need to look at the ‘what’s for tea’ and ‘how much do you earn’ threads to see how far removed they are from the reality of the everyday Mum on 20K a year serving sausage (and not Artisan ones), mash and Asda baked beans twice a week.

Do you really believe what people claim they earn? They can say "I earn £50K for 3 days a week and company car" and there's absolutely no way of knowing if they're lying through their teeth or not. Probably they are.

Wiccan · 04/09/2022 19:18

Theyellowshorts · 04/09/2022 15:27

You've never had anyone take the piss then OP. I used to be generous when I was younger. But then you start to see a pattern. It's the same people coming to you with their hand out all the time and never repaying the favour when you need it the most.

For all of the people who don't want to help, there is someone who would quite happily bleed someone else dry before they spend a penny of their own money.

So pleased it wasn't just me and DH . We have done things for friends and family in the past and once you help them, boy do they get entitled quick. Really had the piss taken and treat us like shit at the same time. We put our foot down in the end just couldn't cope with it. So said NO every time , guess what haven't seen them since and that includes family members . It really hurt to think that's all we were worth. Anyone asks now I just tell them to get stuffed.

TheFunnyOne · 28/11/2022 02:27

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with charging adult children rent. We do and we’re fairly comfortably off but he’s costing us money and it means that the room that could be our spare room for guests it now exclusively his. We’re deliberately charging way below market rent so he can save to leave home. As for money, I believe in ‘never a lender nor a borrower be’. Having lost money to ‘friends’ in the past, I just don’t do it now and would never ask to borrow from someone else. Similar but we only have one friend who we’ll lend our power tools to as he always takes excellent care of them, as if they were his own. We’ve lent them out in the past and they were either never returned or returned in a terrible state after having to practically beg for them back. They’re expensive items FFS!

Your attitude to up to you OP but I don’t think it’s fair to call everyone on here ‘mean’. Some people have had prior experiences which have made them more wary about helping others.

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