To think people on here are shockingly selfish?

[emergencyblimp]

A few threads recently have made me think this. I don’t feel like an especially empathetic or generous person— I don’t have a lot to give (in a material sense) in the first place. In fact I live in an overcrowded council house on not much above minimum wage.

However, if someone is my guest, if I can help someone and it won’t make much of a difference in my life anyway, I’ll do it. Whether that be let one of the children’s friends stay for a bit if they’re having problems at home (and gasp I don’t make them pay board!); lend the neighbours some money if I can; pick up another child from school— whatever.

I’m not a doormat. If I can’t or don’t want to, I’ll say no. But it just doesn’t make sense to me how people on here can have such massive privileges and they won’t even share them with their own families, never mind neighbours or friends.

I get that sometimes situations on here have the potential to come out with a slightly negative for OP, but even so wouldn’t it be better to take a chance and really help someone, even if you do lose out a little bit?

Just really surprised by some opinions on here!

As someone who has lent money ( I not talking about £20. Couple of hundred) then waited 9 months to get even £1 back, while the person I lent to shows me her new dress and tells me how she took her bf out for dinner. Then yes I'm selfish. I'd rather be called selfish than do something for someone that they aren't prepaired to do for me.

YABU OP.

The shockingly selfish are the people who are constantly asking other people to manage their life for them.

Usually, the people complaining about how selfish others are turn out to be the ones who wanted other people to be their childcare/provide them free holiday accommodation/lend them money/be their personal taxi service/do them a 'favour' who have been told no.

They usually also always have an excuse why they can't help out in return if it's ever needed & seem to think they should have been helped just because they wanted to be.

I agree. Obviously I use my judgement, but in general my family and friends and neighbours benefit greatly by exchanging favours and going out of our way to help each other. It's never money in our case but time, childcare, lifts, borrowing a ladder, fixing a bike, escorting home from hospital, a bed for a week...these things make the world go around.

Your right there @Brokendaughter

The endless ' can you take my child to school ?'( because my job's more important than yours')

Followed by the 'can you pick my child up?' ( because my job is more important than your's)

Ooh err... Less tolerant, more bigoted, and entitled, eh?

When you've been shafted a dozen or so times by CFers, you will understand.

YABU.

Your examples are to do with people you actually know. How helpful are you to complete strangers?

That is surely a better guide to how selfless someone is?

Absolutely this.

YABU and very naive, OP.

I think on MN everyone is desperate to have a CF story, so they greatly exaggerate someone asking for a favour.

Very much agree with the point about women, by and large, being givers already - and socialised to take 'selfish' as one of the worst possible insults. The world is full of people who will quite happily abuse that, and see it as entirely legitimate to push and push until they get pushback, taking advantage of the fact that many people (women) don't know how to push back because they've had no practice/don't 'like confrontation'/are dreading the 'selfish' accusation.

But I think the OP has a point, in that there are quite a few people on here who very fiercely defend their world/comfort zone (as a PP said) against intruders and take pride in not 'putting themselves out' for others. That, I believe, is societal - since Thatcher, broadly speaking, it's become acceptable to discount a sense of obligation to a broader community and see everything in terms of whether/how it benefits oneself. I don't think that helps anyone in the long run. Research on wellbeing suggests everyone is happier when they have a sense of interconnectedness with others.

They pretend they have boundaries

When in fact they're just dicks

I don't think it's as simple as that - some people have had their good nature abused and become very suspicious of any request for help.

The thing is OP you're seeing a self-selecting group of posts from people who are usually at the end of their rope with a particular person (family member or friend) who has form for taking the piss and the OP has come on because all their instincts are screaming at them that its not on but they are experiencing pressure to give to people.

I think most people are happy to be generous within the means and when the recipient is grateful and reciprocates. Very few people are so tight that they won't help a friend's child as a one off or lend someone money when they are desperate to pay the rent, for example.

But these situations are invariably where someone is being taken for a mug by someone (often a partner or family member) who leans too much on them and assumes they will always bail them out.

In these situations a bit of perspective and tough love is actually really helpful.

You e clearly never met. CFer

What a strange op

it basically says ‘people are selfish because they wouldn’t make the same decisions as me. But they if I don’t want to do these things I won’t. That’s ok, that’s me having boundaries. But I’d anyone else doesn’t want or can’t do those things they are selfish’

Usually, the people complaining about how selfish others are turn out to be the ones who wanted other people to be their childcare/provide them free holiday accommodation/lend them money/be their personal taxi service/do them a 'favour' who have been told no.

Spot on….

Yanbu. I'm the same, but I'm not a doormat either. And tbf my friend who I would describe as suffering from anxiety also seems able to say no to those who cross the boundaries to CF.

I don't lend people money any more because I have learned from experience that they don't pay you back, or take years to do so. HTH.

What a sweeping generalisation.
Well done OP 🙄

100000% Agree, OP! I also come from humble beginnings. I had classism but that's where the difference lies I think <hides>

I think you are basing you opinion on the AIBU boards.

I try repeatedly to tell people.

Any views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the people posting them.

You cannot believe anything you read to be a true representation of someone’s actual views on here.

This!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@IncessantNameChanger And the thing is, I have read the same story over and over again from hundreds of people over the years. It's such a frequent occurrence, that someone lends someone money and that person then spends on something else and doesn't prioritise paying back the debt. The same thing happened to me - lent someone £250 for something important and then she also went and bought some new trainers. It happens to hundreds of people all the time!

The lesson I learned is that other people can manage their money however they want, and you can't make someone change their priorities, and if other people's money management is supposed to be none of my business then I'm not going to get involved by lending them money because then it makes it my business when I get annoyed with them for not paying me back. I don't want to get caught up in other people's drama.

Totally agree with this and I really take issue with the Ops use of privilege.
Ive worked my backside off for my money, like fuck am I just handing over to my neighbours.
Absolute madness.
You sound completely without any sensible boundaries but also its really contrary.
Everyone else is selfish except you.
Tbh you sound like someone I would avoid.

I don't think it's unreasonable. I think society as a whole is fairly selfish, me included. We used to have much closer-knit communities and would look after each other's kids etc. Over time, and I don't think it's a coincidence that social media has boomed in the past 15 years, we have become much more insular.

Money wise, my starting point is this. If I don't mind the person doing the off with the cash and not paying it back, then I will lend. It is VERY rare that I will ever lend money, even to my parents or best friend. That said, I don't get asked because most of my social circle are in decent jobs and good with money, so they don't tend to need money anyway.

As for the reasons for this, I just think people don't have the time, energy or interest in going out of their way for other people. If it's a dire emergency then I will happily help people out - for example, during the pandemic - though I am also a HUGE believer in personal responsibility. Its why I waited YEARS to have kids, because I wasn't in a financial position to take the knocks if it all went wrong.

That said, I am extremely fortunate in that we have a good support system around us which is mutually beneficial to help each other out.

Aside from the lending money (although to be fair it kinda depends how much), yanbu.
Mumsnet is pretty full of privileged, white women (you only need to look at the ‘what’s for tea’ and ‘how much do you earn’ threads to see how far removed they are from the reality of the everyday Mum on 20K a year serving sausage (and not Artisan ones), mash and Asda baked beans twice a week.

Spot on.