To think people on here are shockingly selfish?

[emergencyblimp]

A few threads recently have made me think this. I don’t feel like an especially empathetic or generous person— I don’t have a lot to give (in a material sense) in the first place. In fact I live in an overcrowded council house on not much above minimum wage.

However, if someone is my guest, if I can help someone and it won’t make much of a difference in my life anyway, I’ll do it. Whether that be let one of the children’s friends stay for a bit if they’re having problems at home (and gasp I don’t make them pay board!); lend the neighbours some money if I can; pick up another child from school— whatever.

I’m not a doormat. If I can’t or don’t want to, I’ll say no. But it just doesn’t make sense to me how people on here can have such massive privileges and they won’t even share them with their own families, never mind neighbours or friends.

I get that sometimes situations on here have the potential to come out with a slightly negative for OP, but even so wouldn’t it be better to take a chance and really help someone, even if you do lose out a little bit?

Just really surprised by some opinions on here!

You sound altruistic OP but the thing is, it's easy when it's just random assorted people you choose to help. Where people tend to post on here is when they've had a single person/family take the piss repeatedly for years, often someone who appears to make crap choices or abuse kindness over and over again. Patience can get worn thin when you feel like someone you help starts to expect it and never fucking gets off their arse to help themselves.

I don't think it's being Pollyanna. I think it's being normal and not like the strange people on here who refuse to open the door or have family round without an invitation.

Yes, the country itself has become more selfish and less compassionate in general since I was younger. More of an ‘I’m alright, Jack’ mentality, which is sad and has made me lose faith in humanity a lot. Although I will say you have to be careful you don’t get taken advantage of as that selfishness extends.

I’m more selective now who I help out, but I could never be cold and uncaring, I’ve tried and it’s not in my nature.

Not read all your responses OP but I do find those who don’t have much tend to be more generous. My grandad grew up with very little and would literally give you the shirt off his back! Maybe it’s the understanding of what it’s like to have nothing? If you’ve never experienced that you won’t understand other people’s struggles very well.

I didn't think it would be long before people started wanging on about boundaries. If I ruled MN I'd ban that bloody word.

I’ve found my poorest (financially) friends always seem to be lending money to others too, then struggling themselves when it isn’t paid back. And it repeats over and over…

That all sounds pretty normal to me except lending money.

In that instance if I was willing to give I would always do it on the understanding that I might never get it back. Lots of threads on here about cheeky fuckers who promise to pay back and never do. If you are happy to donate, then great.

I offer to help people regularly too, but they are people who are appreciative and don't take the piss. I had a neighbour who I realised just expected constant favours and hand outs (with no expectation of returning favours), it got annoying

I'll happily answer the door, take parcels in, ferry kids hither and thither and have the kids' friends over here and all the rest of it.

But allowing someone to move in permanently is a whole other level. And in my whole 50 years I have never been asked to lend money to a friend, neighbour or family member.

In isolation, it could be said that people are "selfish" but there's always another side to the story.

If an acquaintance (not even someone well known to the OP) who had already asked to come and stay and had been declined, shows up with a suitcase, it isn't selfish to say no and keep saying no until they get the message. If you say yes, then it sets a precedent and they'll keep putting on you. If you don't mind being imposed upon at random, inconvenient times, and being distracted from running a business and earning income, go right ahead.

if you don't mind having house guests who outstay their welcome, do a Tesco shop and present you with the bill when they're staying at your house without any attempt to contribute, taking advantage of your hospitality, the choice is your's.

Just a couple of examples - the point is that it's the CFs who are the selfish ones not the MNers reporting on the myriad ways that people take the rise and happy to abuse the milk of human kindness, with no thanks or reciprocation. There are no medals for wearing "doormat" on your forehead.

It's the kind, helpful people who end up getting rinsed by the cheeky fuckers out there. And there are a hell of a lot of cheeky fuckers, frankly!
Heard the phrase 'no good deed goes unpunished'? Well it's true - I've done favours at great personal inconvenience and it usually comes back to bite me on the arse. With the exception of immediate family, I now let every other bugger sort themselves out now. I don't harm people and I'll help if it costs me nothing I care about losing, but I don't lend money and I won't be taking on responsibility for other people again!

I doubt many CF exist in RL. Nearly all the CF threads on here are made up bollocks.

Threads are usually posted about specific situations and there will often be a back story to explain the OP's reluctance to help someone yet again. I don't think that means people are generally selfish just that they've have reached the end of their patience with someone taking them for granted.

There are plenty of threads where people have been incredibly generous and people take advantage of them. IRL the majority of people are helpful when they can be and respectful and appreciative when they've been helped. There is an unpleasant minority who are selfish and would never help anyone and on the flip side there is a minority of entitled cheeky fuckers.

People are people.

If people ask in an emergency then that's fine and of course i'd help out.

Unfortunately as is often shown on here (ie with the person who got back from holiday and immediately had her friend asking about 4 different dates to look after her kids) people can be very quick to start taking advantage. That's what's selfish IMO. And unless you're prepared to never see it again lending money is often a disaster - I've seen so many posts where the OP has not got their money back, i think there was one where it was £400 just the other day. Even ones with people buying tickets for people then the person can't go for whatever reason and won't pay for the ticket but it's too late for the buyer to do anything with it.

Perhaps you just have really lovely genuine family, friends and neighbours who don't take advantage in which case I would say - hold onto them!

Well good for you OP. Doubt you'll be as sanguine when you've been taken for a mug a few times as a lot of us have.

I agree @emergencyblimp. The worst example I’ve seen here was someone who parked to unload leaving just enough space for another car to squeeze through and then refused to guide another driver through the gap she’d left when asked. It was monumentally selfish and would have cost her nothing. Astonishingly, MN was unanimous in handing her arse to her.

After a slow walk to the shop, on crutches, I have come to the conclusion that I’m surrounded by selfish, pushy twats.

‘Nice’ market town full of tourists with audible sighs when they can’t steam down the pavement at their own pace.

Cunts.

The reason so many advise against "helping" is that too many people take advantage of kindness. I'd offer my time to help someone in a one-off emergency situation, but no, I won't loan money to someone I don't know and trust.

Too often, you do something nice for someone and then they expect you to do it forever or act put out if you resist the imposition. Loan someone money and then struggle to get them to pay you back. Meanwhile, you notice that they have enough money to afford their personal luxuries. They're just shit at budgeting and controlling their spending.

If that's selfish, so be it. I'd rather be thought selfish than be worn down and used up by the ceaseless demands of people I don't know or like.

You are being unreasonable OP, for picking that out as a defining problem on mumsnet. I am actually sick to death of the idea that as a woman it is my role to always pick up the slack, and ease the way for others, when I have repeatedly been shown no such reciprocation by others. I volunteer in two areas with vulnerable people and give my maximum to charity, and would help the younger or the more vulnerable members of my family in a minute. But I am no longer the soft touch I once was, because that gets used against you. Many women (and men I'm sure) in that position trying to straighten the cart and they should get support when they want to make the change to more reciprocal relationships.

If you expend your resources to the cheeky fuckers who are just using you, it leaves none for the ones that that do need support in my opinion. That means disappointment (for others) and saying no more often, and I am better off for the changes I have made.

I agree

and the endless list of what is rude 🙄 some in here are so uptight

Re having other people's children to stay if they are "having problems at home", be very careful with that one. Through my job I've lost count of how many well-meaning parents have done this, only to discover that the "problems at home" were actually that the teen didn't like their own family's rules and boundaries and much preferred being a guest at their friend's house. Before anyone does this, please do contact the other parent to make sure it's OK (they might not know where their child has gone and be worried sick), and if the child is telling you things that are safeguarding concerns, eg there's no food at home, my parents keep shouting at me, contact your local children's safeguarding team for advice.
"No food at home" can mean "there's no Pot Noodles and crisps in the cupboard and I don't fancy the shepherd's pie my mum's made". It can also mean that their cupboards have been bare for days, but you don't know which.
Very often this arrangement is driven by an adult's need to nurture rather than a genuine safeguarding need, and it usually makes things worse not better.

I think a lot of people start out that way. Kind. Giving. Compassionate. Always saying yes. But then they get fucked over so many times by assholes that they just think that's enough and advise others to say "no, don't make my mistake".

I think you're generalising and being quite harsh there.

I agree with this. I'm getting a bit older now and the people I know who are more bitter about life are the ones who tried their hardest to always help out when needed, and usually found out that they were on their own when they were the one in need.

The ones that aren't bitter are either the selfish ones (who always ensured their needs were met - and only cared about that) or the ones who have good boundaries. Having good boundaries is the way to go for good mental health and to also give what you are comfortable with. Just my observations.

If you don't mind (or enjoy the feeling you get from) helping someone with a particular thing, then I'm not sure it makes one especially generous. True generosity is doing things you would prefer not to, that inconvenience you, to benefit someone else. More people than would like to admit it would make excuses not to do those things I think, if they could get away without looking bad.
That said, there is something of a culture on MN that leans towards the assertive to the point of aggressive, straight talking to the point of rude, and where self centred is confused with 'self respect'. I think a lot of it is online bravado tbh, as in the real world people generally do tend to perform and receive reasonable levels of favours from each other. Certainly in my world they do.