To think people on here are shockingly selfish?

[emergencyblimp]

A few threads recently have made me think this. I don’t feel like an especially empathetic or generous person— I don’t have a lot to give (in a material sense) in the first place. In fact I live in an overcrowded council house on not much above minimum wage.

However, if someone is my guest, if I can help someone and it won’t make much of a difference in my life anyway, I’ll do it. Whether that be let one of the children’s friends stay for a bit if they’re having problems at home (and gasp I don’t make them pay board!); lend the neighbours some money if I can; pick up another child from school— whatever.

I’m not a doormat. If I can’t or don’t want to, I’ll say no. But it just doesn’t make sense to me how people on here can have such massive privileges and they won’t even share them with their own families, never mind neighbours or friends.

I get that sometimes situations on here have the potential to come out with a slightly negative for OP, but even so wouldn’t it be better to take a chance and really help someone, even if you do lose out a little bit?

Just really surprised by some opinions on here!

I would be very careful to who I lend money to but I don’t have a blanket no policy. I have lent a few times to a good friend who has always paid it back. I appreciate as I have had a good experience I am more favourable than if I had someone not pay me back.

Having posted on this thread, going back and thinking about it, there are a hell of a lot a lot of women on MN who give their time and expertise to other users, to spare them the awful situations that they have seen/experienced. Look at the wealth of support people get on diet threads and with awful housing situations, abusive relationships and during bereavement. I still think most people are good and want to help their communities (be that MN or irl). We are also just trying to not get screwed over at the same time.

People on here aren't selfish they know their boundaries and don't want people taking advantage which I'm completely on board with.

Agree completely op.

Couldn't agree with this more.

I think it's good to share what we have (if we can) but some of the threads are talking about people who massively take advantage of that kindness. If I have a friend who needs a bed for a few weeks or needs food/help/support etc, I'll do it in a heartbeat.

But if someone I barely know turns up on my doorstep with a suitcase because are too mean to pay for a hotel, then uhm yeah, maybe not.

I will always share if I can but I won't share with people who are trying to take advantage of me. I think that's the difference.

I agree. I've experienced people who are struggling to be generous. The privileged v often couldn't care less.

It's not selfish to have limits.

However, if someone is my guest, if I can help someone and it won’t make much of a difference in my life anyway, I’ll do it. Whether that be let one of the children’s friends stay for a bit if they’re having problems at home (and gasp I don’t make them pay board!); lend the neighbours some money if I can; pick up another child from school— whatever.

I’m in an overcrowded council house too, single parent and trying navigate everything on my own logistically and financially.
Someone else’s child staying for a while would really tip the balance, and that’s not fair on me and ultimately not fair on my children to have an extra person in the house who they might not want there. So it would be an instant no from me.

I’ve helped people with childcare all day and school runs. But I am a soft touch and most of the time I feel like I can’t say no.
Sometimes I can’t bring myself to help though, like these summer holidays. Sometimes I feel like I have to be a bit selfish and leave people to find other solutions.

Self preservation is important.

YANBU to think people not lending money is selfish.

Boundaries aren't selfish.

+YABU 🤦🏻‍♀️ why haven't they made a edit button yet? Now that is selfish 😂

I will do anything for anyone much to my detriment I find it hard to say no . I will however never lend money to family again . I still waiting to be paid back from DSD after she pleaded poverty . I’m not well off myself but on the understanding it would be paid back in weekly instalLments I happy loaned it . Fast forward 2 years and I’ve had hardly anything back . My bad . BUT I will never lend money again.

I think you are missing the context op which is that many women on Mumsnet are "givers" already; working, doing majority of housework and childcare, supporting elderly parents etc. It's getting better but statistics show that women still do the majority of wife work and women as well. And the supposed 'selfishness' comes in to the equation when people are asked to do yet more on top of what they are already doing.

Funnily enough, an example of this cropped up the other day in our village. An elderly woman told me how she cleaned for her widowed brother every Tues morning. I said that that was very kind of her and when was he going to clean for her (as she lives on her own too)? She looked momentarily shocked and then laughed BC the expectations on men are just, well, different, aren't they? Especially for her generation.

OP I think you’re being shortsighted. It’s natural to want to help out and picking up a child from school for example is an easy way to do it but the knee jerk reaction isn’t necessarily the best one.

If a friend of your DC needs a weekend away from a bad situation at home that’s easy to offer but if they have been thrown out or need help/a place to live long term it’s not unreasonable to wonder if you’re the best option. If you’re talking about the thread I think you are it might be much simpler for the girl to move to her father’s now and start sixth form there than be faced with moving college mid course. As she was thrown out the college might be more willing to allow her a place at short notice. The girl is the girlfriend of the OP’s son and having 16 year olds in a relationship living together isn’t ideal and if they broke up where would that leave the girl if she’s living there?

When it comes to lending money, things can go very bad very fast. If it’s £20 as a one off that’s one thing but no one wants to feel like they’re being taken advantage of and the risk of them not paying it back and ending up in a neighbour dispute is high - if they’re asking a neighbour and not a friend the chances are they have run out of people to ask and this is a regular thing for them.

The other thread on here that might be relevant is about someone having a large home that’s going to be empty and their sister wanting to move into it with her family. On the surface it sounds like an obvious thing to do. The sister obviously needs the space. If you look into it more it would mean the OP having to clear out her house and pay for the storage of her furniture for the duration. It would also leave the person she had already arranged to house sit out of a place to stay. It would leave the OP having to pay to stay somewhere when she comes back twice a year to visit. If you read between the lines the OP thinks that her sister’s family would cause heavy wear and tear to her house and the fact that her sister feels entitled to push her way into a free house doesn’t suggest that she’d be reasonable when it comes to paying for damages and moving out when the OP wants her to.

YANBU to want to help out. But I now know from experience good boundaries are imperative. If I help it’s because I want to and if I see a person taking the piss, I take a step back. Sometimes they reciprocate, other times they walk away and perhaps look to take the piss out of others.

Do what’s right for you, and respect others enough to believe they’re doing the same. Unless you’re in someone’s marriage/home/bank account/head, you can’t possibly know all the details.

Respect people enough to trust they’re making the best choices they can. What may look like selfishness to one person may genuinely be a lack of ability. Nobody should have to explain about their mental/physical/financial health when refusing to do a favour.

There's a big difference between happily sharing favours with friends on a one-off or reciprocal basis, and being that person who gradually gets taken advantage of by people who take but never give.
I was like you OP, and continue to be willing to help out when friends are in a sticky spot and get the kids from school etc (I honestly don't know anyone who wouldn't - I don't think that's a marker of being particularly selfless!) But like others here I have had to rein it in as I did encounter some people who were definitely beginning to wholly take advantage of me. Like the mum who was seemingly in a spot every week, and in reality was just using me for free childcare so she could afford her nice balayage at the hairdresser's with the money she was saving on after school club.... When this happens repeatedly you start to distinguish between doing an occasional kind favour, and just being used. Allowing yourself to be used /taken advantage of doesn't make you a better person OP.

I couldn’t have put it better, @MeanderingGently.

Because ‘help’ very quickly becomes ‘expectation’.

Most people started off ‘nice’, as you’ve put it, and been bitten on the arse.

Boundaries are not selfish, as PP have said.

I disagree. I'm amazed at the number of people on MN who feel they "have" to lend money or hand over their home to family just because there's more space, or who are afraid to say no to quite cheeky requests from friends, neighbours, workmates or adult children.

I agree with this. The ones that get me are the posts about exorbitant hen dos abroad and similar - the op is worried that they can’t afford an expensive social event that someone else has picked. Makes me angry that people who obviously aren’t rolling in money feel the only possible excuse for not spending what they do have at someone else’s discretion is that they will have to rack up debt. It logically follows that they feel it is expected to spend every penny up to that point if someone else wants you to.

YANBU

It's actually quite sad how guarded so many on here are

They pretend they have boundaries

When in fact they're just dicks

The only people who worry about others having boundaries, are the ones who see the benefits in others not having them.

I agree with your sentiment OP but I draw the line at lending money.
Having done so , to someone who repeatedly couldn't find her purse or hadn't got their card or who needed a top up to her salary that was the same as mine, I'll not do it again.
And no, I never got a penny back despite the promises.

I used to put myself out a lot for anyone and everyone. I soon found out that there’s too many arseholes that take advantage for #bekind. I’ll do anything I can to help people that are important to me, my partner and our kids. Other than that, no, not anymore.

I will not lend money to anyone, I definitely learned the hard way on that one, not because I didn’t get it back, I didn’t expect it back, but it changed the whole relationship, on their part not mine. Never again!

I give and receive favours from friends which not all MN approve of.apparently because most of them have allegedly never ever been late to collect their child for any reason at all!

I don't lend money generally though.

However I actually think it's quite normal to be selfish in that most people prioritise their own and family needs above those of others. There was a lot of accusations of "selfish" behaviour during covid. Most of which I imagine was from people for whom it didn't come at a critical financial or mental health cost to them, to isolate for the required time.