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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get involved?

80 replies

Nc865335778 · 03/09/2022 23:14

DP and I have been invited to a family members party this upcoming weekend.
Family member has messaged me tonight saying they've also invited X (another relative).
They said in the message they've invited X but not their partner (they don't like X's partner). They've also told X that DP & I will pick X up on our way to the party.

DP is really annoyed about this for several reasons.
One is that it isn't up to the family member to tell X that we will pick them up. DP says that's cheeky and dictating what we do.
Also, DP said it isn't fair that we go to X's house to pick them up knowing their partner isn't invited as it's leaving them out.

I completely understand where DP is coming from and agree. But DP wants me to message family member to tell them that it's inappropriate that they've involved us in something that has nothing to do with us. (As in not inviting X's partner but telling X we will go to their house to collect them).

I don't want to get involved at all.
Sometimes I can be quite passive.
DP says we already are involved, thanks to family member so I should message them expressing this.

What would you do?

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 23:16

I would not get involved. No way. Picking them up looks as if you are complicit

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 03/09/2022 23:16

If it's family on your side then you deal with it and if it's family on his side he should deal with it. They messaged him so it sounds as though he should be the one messaging back.

drinkfeck · 03/09/2022 23:21

Whoever's side of the family is being dickheads excluding partners should respond.

But fuck that. If you pick them up it makes you complicit.

Are these actual grown adults?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 23:25

Your partner is right, but he can text your relative to say this. His fingers aren't broken and you are not his PA.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 03/09/2022 23:28

Sorry but we aren't passing that way. Hope relative can still make it.

Op..

Cats23 · 03/09/2022 23:30

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 23:25

Your partner is right, but he can text your relative to say this. His fingers aren't broken and you are not his PA.

Agree

GabriellaMontez · 03/09/2022 23:31

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 03/09/2022 23:28

Sorry but we aren't passing that way. Hope relative can still make it.

Op..

This. But just the first sentence. Even if you are passing that way.

TeaMoreToast · 03/09/2022 23:45

Someine needs to send a message saying we can't do pick up, and the person to do it is whoever's family it is (your post doesn't say if yours or DPs family).

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 04:09

Yes sorry it's my family member who is having the party and X is also my family member.
We live right next to X.

I was going to say a reason we can't pick X up but DP said "I don't want you to say a reason we can't or an excuse. Be honest and tell them what they've done is inappropriate and we're not happy that they've involved us in a silly game". DP said picking X up isn't a problem (we've done this loads of times) but it is a problem when X's partner isn't invited and we're just going to pick up X and leaving partner there.

Family member is an adult. But acts quite immature a lot and probably doesn't think anything of putting us in this situation.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 04/09/2022 04:31

Your DH is right, but he can't make you do it!

Roselilly36 · 04/09/2022 04:42

Will the relative even want to attend, I wouldn’t if my DH wasn’t invited, to a family occasion.

I wouldn’t make excuses re picking up, just tell the relative, that made the arrangement that you can’t do the pick-up and let them sort it out.

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 05:04

@Roselilly36
I thought that. I wouldn't be going if DP wasn't invited.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 04/09/2022 05:22

Message x and say if they want a lift they can walk to yrs?

mycatisannoying · 04/09/2022 05:24

You are making a big deal out of nothing. It is not for you to be offended at X's partner not being invited; it is up to X to decide whether or not they wish to attend on that basis.
But as X lives right beside you, why on earth wouldn't you offer a lift? Poor X ... what a family!

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2022 05:25

Don’t go either; sounds easiest to just opt out of it

TidyDancer · 04/09/2022 06:16

Couples don't have to attend everything together. On the surface this specific situation does sound rude but the family dynamic may explain it. Do you know why the partner isn't invited? It's definitely rude to assume you will just take them but if you've confirmed you're already going and they live next to you, I can see why it's been assumed (the organiser should've asked you rather than told you though).

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 08:09

When I've said next to me, I don't mean on the same street. They live about 3-4 miles away so they're quite close to me.
DP is annoyed that the family member has told X we will pick them up but explicitly told them they are not inviting X's partner.
The reason DP is annoyed is because they've told X we will be picking them up and taking them. But also because of how awful it will be to collect X and just leave partner sat there.
It is up to X whether or not they choose to attend.

What I'm saying is - DP wants me to message family member to tell them they shouldn't have involved us in this dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 08:10

@mycatisannoying
Poor X ... what a family!

🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 08:11

@TidyDancer

They don't like the partner. They've met the partner a couple of times but took a dislike quite quickly.

OP posts:
Undermearmour · 04/09/2022 08:15

Is this type of drama llama behaviour normal in your family? Has your relative told X that their partner isn't invited or is it up to you to drop that bomb?

Personally, I'd tell them all to fuck off and do something else instead.

SeeSeaC · 04/09/2022 08:18

Odd that they've messaged you not your DH
I'd be completely honest and say you are not picking anyone up and you think it's quite hurtful to exclude their partner These things are better out in the open
That will stop them pulling that stunt on you again

bumpertobumper · 04/09/2022 08:19

This is getting too over dramatic.
Just speak to X- find out if they want a lift, perhaps ask how they feel about the party depending on how close you are.
No need for stirring the pot by remonstrating with immature family member and potentially making the situation worse. Be adult about it. As Pp have said it's not for you and dh to be upset or be involved with who minds about the partner not being invited. (
Out of curiosity do you know why they're not invited? Do you like them?)

TidyDancer · 04/09/2022 08:22

Is their dislike reasonable and do you know why they feel this way? In what way is everyone involved related?

I think these things are crucial here tbh. If the partner is objectionable for a specific reason or has got a history of certain behaviours, I could understand taking against them and certainly not inviting them to events.

If it's more a clash of personalities for example, it is perhaps less reasonable to exclude them.

I think for you, the assumption you will provide transport is the rudest part, proximity doesn't entirely excuse this.

Aprilx · 04/09/2022 08:24

As it is your family, I think you need to deal with it, but it is up to you how you do that. I am quite surprised that X is still going if their partner is excluded. That aside I also don’t think the suggestion of you picking them up when you live next door is really such a big deal.

cansu · 04/09/2022 08:31

Your dh is deliberately causing an issue. It isn't up to him to be offended for X. Just pick up X if they want to go FFS.