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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get involved?

80 replies

Nc865335778 · 03/09/2022 23:14

DP and I have been invited to a family members party this upcoming weekend.
Family member has messaged me tonight saying they've also invited X (another relative).
They said in the message they've invited X but not their partner (they don't like X's partner). They've also told X that DP & I will pick X up on our way to the party.

DP is really annoyed about this for several reasons.
One is that it isn't up to the family member to tell X that we will pick them up. DP says that's cheeky and dictating what we do.
Also, DP said it isn't fair that we go to X's house to pick them up knowing their partner isn't invited as it's leaving them out.

I completely understand where DP is coming from and agree. But DP wants me to message family member to tell them that it's inappropriate that they've involved us in something that has nothing to do with us. (As in not inviting X's partner but telling X we will go to their house to collect them).

I don't want to get involved at all.
Sometimes I can be quite passive.
DP says we already are involved, thanks to family member so I should message them expressing this.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Musti · 04/09/2022 10:00

I’m with your dp. Who the hell does your family member think they are that they can dictate who picks up who and who gets left out?!

You need to have sharp words with them!

Brefugee · 04/09/2022 10:10

this is a lot of drama. Speak to family member and say "you were very rude to tell X that I'd pick them up without speaking to me. I am now going to speak to X about arrangements. Don't ever do that again"

Then speak to X - maybe they're ok going without partner and maybe partner is very happy not to go to this event with a family that don't want them there? And from there you can decide what to do.

Your DP is a bit over invested, tell them to butt out and leave your family relationships to you?

PaulaTrilloe · 04/09/2022 10:12

If you get on with X and their DP why don't you 4 go out and do something else instead that evening?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/09/2022 10:12

I wouldn't go having rows with people on my HD's behalf to be honest. If you're and x are fine with s's partner not being invited and x's partner is fine. And you're fine picking up and it's the norm then I wouldn't be telling anyone they're inappropriate to suit my dh.

obviously if you yourself are pissed off then go ahead.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 04/09/2022 10:12

This is way too much drama for a party. Do you need/want to go? Just say sorry you can’t make it then no more drama.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/09/2022 10:13

Brefugee · 04/09/2022 10:10

this is a lot of drama. Speak to family member and say "you were very rude to tell X that I'd pick them up without speaking to me. I am now going to speak to X about arrangements. Don't ever do that again"

Then speak to X - maybe they're ok going without partner and maybe partner is very happy not to go to this event with a family that don't want them there? And from there you can decide what to do.

Your DP is a bit over invested, tell them to butt out and leave your family relationships to you?

Exactly

Macaroni46 · 04/09/2022 10:17

I'm with your DH on this. You need to speak up and call your relative out on their unkind, bullying behaviour. I'd start by speaking to X to see how they feel about all this. Doing nothing is condoning the exclusion and unkind behaviour.

Chikapu · 04/09/2022 10:23

Bloody hell, just say you aren't going. Why would you want to spend time with someone who singles people out to bully and exclude from things, family member or not?

OstrichFeet · 04/09/2022 10:27

Eh @LookItsMeAgain , that’s completely irrelevant
their partners has purposely been excluded , that’s hurtful

Mossygreenchypre · 04/09/2022 10:28

Your relative is playing nasty games here, and
I don't blame your DP for raising the issue.

I mean why should your relative tx DP with their BS exclusion arrangement when they have previously pulled the same stunt on DP.

What does your relative expect your DP to do if X decides to bring the partner, or the partner makes a scene on pick up.
I think you need to back up DP on this one and call your relative out.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/09/2022 10:32

So your DP understands what it's like to be excluded by this family member. This family member is now excluding another partner.

I'm with your DP on this. Your relative is being nasty to other peoples partners and everyone is ignoring this issue, letting them get away with it and excluding people.

If it were my family I'd have said something a long time ago and not gone along with it.

There have been partners in my family who I haven't liked but you don't exclude them because they are with members of the family who I do love and care about.

SilverTotoro · 04/09/2022 10:53

I’m surprised by how many people on the thread think the OPs DP is right to demand OP stand up to their relative on X and their partners behalf, without even speaking to X. Your relative does sound unpleasant OP. But this doesn’t seem like it’s your battle to fight - particularly as it’s your DP not you who is so keen to get you involved if you don’t want to confront your relative I don’t believe anyone should try and pressure you into doing so. As other posters have suggested I would really speak to X first before doing anything otherwise you could end up falling out with your relative and upsetting X for assuming they would appreciate your involvement.

Chikapu · 04/09/2022 10:58

SilverTotoro · 04/09/2022 10:53

I’m surprised by how many people on the thread think the OPs DP is right to demand OP stand up to their relative on X and their partners behalf, without even speaking to X. Your relative does sound unpleasant OP. But this doesn’t seem like it’s your battle to fight - particularly as it’s your DP not you who is so keen to get you involved if you don’t want to confront your relative I don’t believe anyone should try and pressure you into doing so. As other posters have suggested I would really speak to X first before doing anything otherwise you could end up falling out with your relative and upsetting X for assuming they would appreciate your involvement.

OP's partner has also been singled out by this family member to be excluded from things in the past, his position on this is totally understandable.

billy1966 · 04/09/2022 11:09

So this family member has excluded your DP on occasion and is now doing it to the partner of X and using your partner in the process?

And you allow this?

I'm with your DP.

Awful behaviour.

You aren't very loyal are you?

Very unattractive IMO in a person.

I would be telling this relative that I am NOT collecting X and that we will NOT be joining them.

By collecting X and bringing them to this horrible relatives home, YOU are a party to awful behaviour.

billy1966 · 04/09/2022 11:13

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/09/2022 10:32

So your DP understands what it's like to be excluded by this family member. This family member is now excluding another partner.

I'm with your DP on this. Your relative is being nasty to other peoples partners and everyone is ignoring this issue, letting them get away with it and excluding people.

If it were my family I'd have said something a long time ago and not gone along with it.

There have been partners in my family who I haven't liked but you don't exclude them because they are with members of the family who I do love and care about.

Agreed.

There is no way a decent person would allow their partner be treated like this and be part of treating the partner of a relative like this.

If I was family to your DP I would be telling him to think long and hard about being involved with such a shower long term.

Ugly behaviour which you all tolerate.

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 11:37

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov
I doubt X's partner will be fine not to be invited. They've told X 'your partner isn't invited to this event'. Which feels really harsh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 11:42

@billy1966

You aren't very loyal are you? Very unattractive IMO in a person

I find this a very odd thing for you to say. Very unattractive?
How bizarre.

OP posts:
rnsaslkih · 04/09/2022 11:53

Dear party host and X,

We have both just tested positive and feel manky so won’t make it tonight.

Hope you all have a good time.

OP

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/09/2022 11:57

I'm with your DH.

Why is X going without their partner if partner is upset at not being invited?

I'd message the following:
Happy to pick X and partner up however you have put us in a very difficult position by not inviting X partner. Please do not make travel arrangements involving us in future.

Then I would speak to X, find out if they are still going and explain how awkward you feel about not taking X partner.

venusandmars · 04/09/2022 12:03

I was once the 'excluded' person Sad

It was horrible. Of course I was angry at the person who excluded me (event organiser), but I also found it hard that others didn't seem to recognise what was happening. Maybe they did, and felt bad about it, but none of that was conveyed to me, and at the time I felt they colluded with the event organiser for the sake of 'keeping the peace'.

Please, for the sake of the excluded-one, be upfront about how unacceptable this behaviour is (assuming that there is no appropriate reason for them not to be invited).

I know my opinion is coloured by my experience but in your situation I'd turn down the invitation if X's partner is specifically not invited. Then I'd arrange an alternative evening with the two of you plus X and X's dp.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/09/2022 12:11

So what did you do @Nc865335778 when your DP was the one being excluded?

Since this relative has form I'd probably be avoiding any of their gatherings so as not to be involved in their bullying.

kimchifox · 04/09/2022 12:18

Well if you don't speak to X directly and you don't want a big drama your car will have to break down or something. There's no way around this without drama if your DH won't allow you to speak to X & their partner about the situation.

SpudleyLass · 04/09/2022 13:02

Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 11:37

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov
I doubt X's partner will be fine not to be invited. They've told X 'your partner isn't invited to this event'. Which feels really harsh.

So actually, X and partner do know the partner isn't invited.

In that case, I would double check that X still wants to go, although I'd be feeling less inclined to attend myself tbh.

Indeed, I'd be suggesting drinks round at mine instead of, just to be petty.

And I can understand your DP being unhappy that your family member has put all this on you. But I just wouldn't go at that point.

drinkfeck · 04/09/2022 13:18

Jesus. I'm team dp and your family member sounds like a dick

He's right. You're not standing up for anyone being excluded. You're just going along with it for an easy life. You're basically the Bully's mate.

You're a bully by proxy by allowing it to happen. I also guess this is what you did when your dp was excluded too.

Grim.

Brefugee · 04/09/2022 13:22

We have both just tested positive and feel manky so won’t make it tonight.

meh. This is why it keeps happening, making excuses. Just say "stop with excluding family. We're not coming. If X still wants to come - and i can't imagine why, they can get there by themselves"

And FGS have a discussion with X about what's been going on