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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get involved?

80 replies

Nc865335778 · 03/09/2022 23:14

DP and I have been invited to a family members party this upcoming weekend.
Family member has messaged me tonight saying they've also invited X (another relative).
They said in the message they've invited X but not their partner (they don't like X's partner). They've also told X that DP & I will pick X up on our way to the party.

DP is really annoyed about this for several reasons.
One is that it isn't up to the family member to tell X that we will pick them up. DP says that's cheeky and dictating what we do.
Also, DP said it isn't fair that we go to X's house to pick them up knowing their partner isn't invited as it's leaving them out.

I completely understand where DP is coming from and agree. But DP wants me to message family member to tell them that it's inappropriate that they've involved us in something that has nothing to do with us. (As in not inviting X's partner but telling X we will go to their house to collect them).

I don't want to get involved at all.
Sometimes I can be quite passive.
DP says we already are involved, thanks to family member so I should message them expressing this.

What would you do?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/09/2022 08:35

I don't see the problem in picking X up. If they have a problem with their partner not being invited they don't have to attend. It doesn't make you complicit - you're just doing them a favour.

luckylavender · 04/09/2022 08:40

Pick up the phone & have a conversation.

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 08:56

@Aprilx
I don't live next door. They live about 3-4 miles away.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 04/09/2022 08:59

Your family, you deal with it. I'm confused as to why your even asking tbh. It's pure childish behaviour and they should be called out on it. I'm surprised the other family member is even going knowing their partner is not invited. I certainly wouldn't be.

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:03

My thought about it was we would just pick X up.
But when I mentioned this to DP along with the messages family member had sent, DP was annoyed saying it wasn't family members place to say we would pick X up.

And picking X up and leaving out the partner is like being part of something horrible, childlike, almost like bullying, leaving them out, and wants no part in it.
But wants me to explicitly say this to family member. I'd rather just stay out of it is what I am trying to say.

But DP is insistent I say something and has said to me 'we're already involved because family member has involved us in their games'.
In other words making it look like we are also excluding X's partner by only picking up X (when we would never exclude them like that).

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 04/09/2022 09:11

I would reply ‘please don’t assume we’re able to pick X up - we might be coming to you from somewhere else. Also what’s this about x’s partner not being invited - picking x up but not y would make me very uncomfortable?’

see what they say then decide.

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 09:12

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 23:25

Your partner is right, but he can text your relative to say this. His fingers aren't broken and you are not his PA.

Why should he if it's her family? The op hasn't said, but nice assumption Hmm

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:18

@Blowthemandown
I think I'll say something like this.
We'd happily pick up X and their partner which is what we thought we'd be doing before receiving that message.
It would just be uncomfortable to go and pick up X and then just leave partner there. I'd feel awful.

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 04/09/2022 09:18

I agree with your husband, particularly re being directed to pick someone up.

SilverTotoro · 04/09/2022 09:19

I don’t think it’s for your partner to dictate how you interact with your family. Does he feel insecure because he is also a partner and is concerned he could be similarly treated in future? If X has decided to attend without their partner then I’d just call them to say your relative had said they needed a lift and to confirm the time. I absolutely wouldn’t cause drama, getting in the middle of it by challenging your relative - X’s partner may actually be relieved not to go if they also dislike the relative.

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 09:23

SilverTotoro · 04/09/2022 09:19

I don’t think it’s for your partner to dictate how you interact with your family. Does he feel insecure because he is also a partner and is concerned he could be similarly treated in future? If X has decided to attend without their partner then I’d just call them to say your relative had said they needed a lift and to confirm the time. I absolutely wouldn’t cause drama, getting in the middle of it by challenging your relative - X’s partner may actually be relieved not to go if they also dislike the relative.

But it's ok for them to dictate that her dp must go pick them up without even asking??

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:23

@SilverTotoro
I feel like it would cause drama to say something to the relative. But DP is saying "they're the ones who've caused the drama by putting us in this position".

I'd rather just pick X up if they need picking up and then leave it at that. But DP Is annoyed with me for not saying anything to family member. Basically referring to my passivity.

and with your question about DP.

DP has been excluded before by this family member in different ways which has been upsetting in the past. So the relationship between them is quite strained.

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 04/09/2022 09:26

Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:18

@Blowthemandown
I think I'll say something like this.
We'd happily pick up X and their partner which is what we thought we'd be doing before receiving that message.
It would just be uncomfortable to go and pick up X and then just leave partner there. I'd feel awful.

Why would t you talk to X first?

You don't know how they and their P feel about the lack of invite.

By doing this you would continue to play into the dynamic of family member being in control of the whole situation- stop playing their game and speak to X first.
And your dp IBU for trying to increase the drama.

Original poster
Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:30

@bumpertobumper
That is what I was going to do. I wanted to speak to X. But DP was saying it isn't about speaking to X. It's about speaking directly to the family member to tell them what they've done by including us in this is inappropriate and we feel uncomfortable picking up X and they shouldn't have told X we would pick them up. But I feel like this will just cause further issues. DP is seeing it as me letting family member get away with crappy behaviour 'yet again'.

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 04/09/2022 09:32

Ah, so with that update it makes sense why your DP is reacting so strongly and wants you to stand up to family member.
Tell him you will stand up for him but this time it is not your battle to fight. And speak to X first.
Then maybe there will be some diplomacy you can to in explaining to the excluder how hurtful and rude that is....

OnaBegonia · 04/09/2022 09:32

Perhaps it's time to call out your family member for their bullying behaviour.
Why are any of you tolerating this nastiness??

Blowthemandown · 04/09/2022 09:33

@Nc865335778 yes that would work!

bumpertobumper · 04/09/2022 09:33

I feel for you stuck in the middle of all this!

TidyDancer · 04/09/2022 09:33

DP has been excluded before by this family member in different ways which has been upsetting in the past. So the relationship between them is quite strained.

Right this does make a big difference. Your DP is not impartial and should stay out of this due to their bias.

SuperSange · 04/09/2022 09:35

Your DP is right, and it sounds like they're getting a bit sick of your families antics. I know I would be in their shoes.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/09/2022 09:41

Your family sounds like a right pain. No wonder he's sick of that family member. Why do none of your family actually call out the bad behaviour? Unless you all think it's acceptable?

KosherDill · 04/09/2022 09:46

Nc865335778 · 04/09/2022 09:30

@bumpertobumper
That is what I was going to do. I wanted to speak to X. But DP was saying it isn't about speaking to X. It's about speaking directly to the family member to tell them what they've done by including us in this is inappropriate and we feel uncomfortable picking up X and they shouldn't have told X we would pick them up. But I feel like this will just cause further issues. DP is seeing it as me letting family member get away with crappy behaviour 'yet again'.

I agree with your DH.

Frankly I'd just not attend the event rather than be put in the middle this way.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/09/2022 09:53

Are you not going to be having a drink at this 'party'? If you are, then you can't possibly drive.

My advice would be to contact the family member who is having the party and say "Oh I do wish you had asked or at least run the suggestion that DP or I would be driving to your party. We're planning on having a drink so won't be driving. You should contact X to let them know they will have to make their own way to the party"
Then, if you wanted to, you could contact X yourself and suggest that you're going to get a taxi to the party and if they want to come they could walk to yours and be there for say 7pm or whatever time suits. Order a taxi and away you go!

LookItsMeAgain · 04/09/2022 09:54

Just another take on the situation. My DH often goes out to social events without me. I'm not joined at the hip to him. I don't mind that he goes out without me. I go out without him too. Perhaps X is ok with going out without their partner???

Shinyandnew1 · 04/09/2022 10:00

But DP wants me to message family member to tell them that it's inappropriate that they've involved us in something that has nothing to do with us

Whose family is it? Why can’t your DH message if he feels so strongly?

I think I agree with him though and wouldn’t want to go to this do at all.