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AIBU?

SO did nothing for my birthday

49 replies

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 21:27

So today I turned 35. SO did nothing, no card, cake, nothing. So I decided to tell him I was hurt. He says I'm being unreasonable as

  1. he let me sleep in (I co sleep with our DD he has his own room uninterrupted sleep)
  2. he made breakfast for me (when he woke up for himself at 6 by the time I was up the toast was soggy and cold)
  3. he made dinner ( this I appreciate but it wasn't done "for me" ie like my favourite food etc also was his night to cook in general as I cook week days)
    Am I acting like a brat that he didn't do anything specifically for me to make the day special?
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

210 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
MumCanIDoThat · 03/09/2022 23:43

YANBU, no one can be that stupid that they cant think of one thing their partner would like. Your birthday isnt a surprise. He has the entire year to plan. Do nothing for him going forward, absolutely nothing.

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wellhelloitsme · 03/09/2022 23:51

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:33

I make him a card, where I write highlights from the past year and his achievements and wish him well for the next one. I make a cake and buy him a useful gift as he is practical so stuff for his bike and his hobbies. Never flashy just something to make him feel special and loved.

Why on earth do you do this when he does nothing similar in return and clearly isn't on the same page as you when it comes to gift giving and receiving?

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EmmaH2022 · 03/09/2022 23:54

PurpleMarie · 03/09/2022 21:29

He did do something for you but it wasn’t what you wanted.

Next year chat to him in advance about what you’d like.

What did he do?

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Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 04/09/2022 00:01

You should know by now he does nothing to celebrate your birthday. I very much hope you return that behaviour on his birthday.
More importantly, what's he like the other 364 days of the year?

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maras3 · 04/09/2022 00:10

Miserable pig.
I've just had my 69th birthday, the 54th with my DH. Never once has he not given me a card, gift etc. No one in our family or friends are the same.
Belated 'Happy Birthday' from me. 🎂Wine

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Sunnytwobridges · 04/09/2022 01:12

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:15

For my 20th he forgot,
21st he bought me an ink print cartridge, which he used to print his dissertation.
24-30 sometimes a bunch of flowers
31- card and flowers
32- pregnant so gave me a foot rub 33 and 34 pandemic restrictions but bought a cake and used my dd's candles from her birthday. Every year I just feel he just doesn't plan for it or doesn't care and I've said it hurts me, but he says I'm being a brat

😱he sounds horrible

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toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2022 01:22

I would stop doing birthdays for him and treat yourself to something you like on your birthday

Happy Birthday 🎂

What is he like in general, what are his good points?

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MissMaple82 · 04/09/2022 01:30

I think it's slightly pathetic that all these grown women get all upset and moody that they don't get gifts and elaborate statements from their partners for their birthdays. You're 35 not 6!!! He let you sleep in and made you a meal, why is that not enough?

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Sceptre86 · 04/09/2022 01:31

I despair at these types of posts. He's never gone to any great effort for you so why do you continue for him? You come across as a mug and a daft one at that because you've had a child with someone who can't make an effort for you. Unless there is a massive dripfeed about how he is great in other ways I really don't understand why you would put up with this. Clearly you aren't a financially driven, you just want him to be thoughtful. He isn't though so what are you going to do about it? Put up with it for the next 10 years, punctuated with a moan on mumsnet? You've already spoken to him about it and he hasn't changed.

My dh isn't in to birthdays whereas I am. I still get the kids to make cards for him but then keep it low key as that is what he prefers. I do not prefer it to be lowkey, instead I want a fuss and that is what I get because sometimes you have to go beyond yourself for your partner. This post is depressing.

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MissMaple82 · 04/09/2022 01:35

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:15

For my 20th he forgot,
21st he bought me an ink print cartridge, which he used to print his dissertation.
24-30 sometimes a bunch of flowers
31- card and flowers
32- pregnant so gave me a foot rub 33 and 34 pandemic restrictions but bought a cake and used my dd's candles from her birthday. Every year I just feel he just doesn't plan for it or doesn't care and I've said it hurts me, but he says I'm being a brat

I think it is bratish to expect gifts and to hint about what you're expecting!

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toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2022 01:36

@MissMaple82 it was his turn to make a meal do he didn’t do anything different at all for her birthday

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toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2022 01:38

You think it is brattish to expect a gift from your partner on your birthday? I would think it is normal to expect a gift from a close loved one

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Meraas · 04/09/2022 01:41

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:33

I make him a card, where I write highlights from the past year and his achievements and wish him well for the next one. I make a cake and buy him a useful gift as he is practical so stuff for his bike and his hobbies. Never flashy just something to make him feel special and loved.

Please stop doing any of this for the cunt.

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EmmaH2022 · 04/09/2022 01:54

MissMaple82 · 04/09/2022 01:30

I think it's slightly pathetic that all these grown women get all upset and moody that they don't get gifts and elaborate statements from their partners for their birthdays. You're 35 not 6!!! He let you sleep in and made you a meal, why is that not enough?

So..he parented his own child
he cooked on his night for cooking

on what planet is this doing anything other than...daily stuff?

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QueSyrahSyrah · 04/09/2022 01:58

YABU to expect anything different after 15 years? If he was an inconsiderate lazy arsehole for 12 years then why did you stay and have a baby with him for goodness sake??

If he's in fact partner and dad of the year the rest of the time but just doesn't do well at birthdays, then appreciate the good bits and move on.

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QueSyrahSyrah · 04/09/2022 02:00

Also, I can't remember what DH did for my birthday last year, so I'm both impressed and concerned that you can reel off 15 years worth.

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Scrapper142 · 04/09/2022 02:06

For my 20th he forgot
-Then you tell him to fuck off
21st he bought me an ink print cartridge, which he used to print his dissertation.
-Then you tell him to fuck off
24-30 sometimes a bunch of flowers
-Then you tell him to fuck off
31- card and flowers
-Then you tell him to fuck off
32- pregnant so gave me a foot rub 33 and 34 pandemic restrictions but bought a cake and used my dd's candles from her birthday. Every year I just feel he just doesn't plan for it or doesn't care and I've said it hurts me, but he says I'm being a brat
-He's shown you who he is, you've accepted him year after year, why would he change. Then you've had a child with him and shock he still hasn't changed. If you wanted a partner to treat you differently then pick better. He sounds horrible, but accept some responsibility, you're here because you've chosen to be here (by not getting rid).

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FlowerArranger · 04/09/2022 02:16

@hattiebat - him not doing anything for your birthday is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

There must be a reason why you stayed with him for 15 - FIFTEEN!!!! - years and chose him to be the father of your child.

What is/are the reason(s), and do you feel they are still valid?

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PinkyFlamingo · 04/09/2022 02:17

Looking at your post about his past efforts all I can think is did you really expect it to be any different?

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Weenurse · 04/09/2022 02:18

I have been known to leave a catalog with what I want, circled and highlighted, on the kitchen bench. I also stick it in his face saying “I want this”, otherwise I would never get anything.
I have also dropped the ball with him in terms of gifts, he still gets his dinner request.
Turning point in our marriage was when the iron needed replacing and he said “don’t worry, I will get you a new one for your birthday “.
My response was “ your birthday comes first, I will get it for you”.
The look on his face was priceless.
I then looked at his parents, his mother would have loved a new iron as a gift. He was basing things on his observations of his parents marriage, not ours.
Communication is the key.
Happy birthday

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isweartoomuch · 04/09/2022 02:22

Well he would say that wouldn't he. If you accept you're unreasonable then he keeps getting to do fuck all and you accept it. Nice lazy life for him.

Amazed you had kids with him.

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Lofari · 04/09/2022 02:38

Yesterday was my birthday too. I have covid so I spent it alone with a book. Bliss.
Hope yours wasn't too awful in the end OP

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Giggorata · 04/09/2022 03:20

It was my birthday yesterday too!
It was fairly crap. Started well, with tea, flowers and champagne, even though antibiotics mean I can't drink it.
NO present. I know we are skint, but not even one little wrapped thing to open.
Deteriorated further, as I wanted a wander round the little market town and something nice in a tea shop. He was faffing in the shed and wouldn't come, so I went alone. Great.
Got home and he took the dogs out and didn't return, which meant he'd gone to the village pub. By himself.
Rang him up and insisted that he come home and participate in ordering my birthday Indian meal, as I felt it was too dismal doing that by myself.
It was a lovely meal and at least he paid

He doesn't get birthdays, or want a fuss for his, but he knows I do and generally makes an effort. This is the worst it's ever been.
I might LTB.
Or KTB.

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deeperthanallroses · 04/09/2022 03:24

Every morning for the next couple of weeks you say Morning! How did you sleep?! Did you enjoy the solid nights sleep I gave you? It’s your birthday present in advance so I should warn you don’t expect anything on the day. Evenings if you usually cook/ bath the dc, you say I cooked dinner/bathed dc for your birthday in advance, I’m just spoiling you nonstop this week. Although you shouldn’t expect anything on your birthday. I’m sorta joking, I might bath dc for you again.

he will grump and say you’re being pathetic, but you say I’m just being a generous caring partner exactly the way you are!!

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