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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust a man who walked out in his wife

112 replies

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:38

Of five years and his six month old daughter?
They fell out of love and were fighting continually.
He co parents relatively well with his exw.

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 03/09/2022 21:58

PrepayMeter · 03/09/2022 19:42

It depends on what you mean by “walked out”.

If you mean the relationship ended, he moved out, he plays an active role in his daughter’s life and supports her financially, and there was no other woman involved at the time of the break-up, then no, I wouldn’t have an issue with it. These things happen.

If you mean he dumped them, doesn’t see or support his daughter, and/or was culpable in the breakdown of the relationship, then the opposite.

This.

If his past relationship was toxic, why should he stay in it? Better example to his dd to leave and co-parent.

PinkPupZ · 03/09/2022 21:59

Would he actually admit it if he had left for another woman or just bailed though? It would put me off that he had given up after such a short time. Also sounds like would have ex baggage going on for years eg custody battles.

SudocremOnEverything · 03/09/2022 22:05

I honestly think that a break up with a small bang involved can be a huge red flag. It’s tough on all couples but, it does indicate a failure to support or understand when things aren’t easy.

I hadn’t really realised this, but with hindsight, I should have been much more wary of STBXH. He had separated with a baby c. 1 year old and I met him about 8 months later. He seemed great and his break up story had been that his ex had cheated on him. although over time details emerged that he had been planning to divorce her anyway because she’s dreadful and, actually, he was cheating on her, and so on. Anyway, I didn’t discover this at the time or think enough about things.

We had separated before our baby was 1. And things had been really bad from during the pregnancy. He was just completely incapable of stepping up and being there when I needed him. At all. Quite the opposite. And far too selfish to cope with not being the centre of attention. It got worse and worse (and he was awful) until I left.

so a story where they had a small baby and he walked away, leaving her devastated, because they ‘fell out of love’ sounds suspicious to me. It doesn’t sound like a man who is anything but a fair weather partner.

My STBXH is now a man who has had 2 marriages fall apart in the first year of a child’s life. It is a pattern. So I hope it’ll be more obvious that he should be avoided to anyone else silly enough to consider a relationship with him.

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 22:19

Well we have two different versions of events now. Constant fighting and they fell out of love in one post. She was devastated and it was not mutual in another. Surely she didn’t want to stay in a relationship of constant fighting with a man she no longer loved?

I know lots of couples who fight constantly and yet are devastated when one of them end the relationship.

A lot of the time they’ll cry and beg for them back and so then they get back together just to argue and fight all of the time again.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/09/2022 22:24

Many couples reach breaking point when they have a newborn to deal with however it cements the relationship once you support each other.

He couldn't handle the pressure.

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 22:25

Are we now going to start telling women to stay in unhappy relationships because they have children?

Are they deadbeat mums for breaking the relationship?

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/09/2022 22:33

I wouldn’t have a kid with him, put it that way. A fling, maybe..

HintofVintagePink · 03/09/2022 22:49

No, not because of the marriage ending but because of one sided story he’s feeding you about why it ended. Huge red flag for me when a man starts bad mouthing the mother of his child

Danceswithkids · 04/09/2022 00:29

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 22:25

Are we now going to start telling women to stay in unhappy relationships because they have children?

Are they deadbeat mums for breaking the relationship?

If a friend of mine told me that she was unhappy with her partner 6 months after the birth or her first child when it had been a happy relationship pre-baby and no abuse or him being a terrible father, I would not advise her to leave. I'd say it's a tough time and things can change quickly.

Pallisers · 04/09/2022 00:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

this.

OP, you are concerned about this relationship. Your gut is telling you something.

Besides that, personally I would not want to be involved in the inevitable drama that this relationship will entail.

user478965227857 · 04/09/2022 07:11

From what I can see, Mum sees Dad as a glorified babysitter .

No patent can babysit their own child. HTH

SudocremOnEverything · 04/09/2022 07:24

user478965227857 · 04/09/2022 07:11

From what I can see, Mum sees Dad as a glorified babysitter .

No patent can babysit their own child. HTH

An alarming number of men manage to operate as occasional babysitters to their own children.

HTH

WhatNoRaisins · 04/09/2022 07:34

Is this someone you are looking to start your own family with because I wouldn't take the risk of having a baby with someone who bailed so soon after having one. For a more casual relationship or if you don't want children then you've got less to lose.

LondonSouth28 · 04/09/2022 07:48

There are always exceptions. But I wouldn't date a man that wasn't there for his partner in the early years of his child's life. Those years suck - they're tough on everyone and I think a good man sees that and steps up and endures that period. He didn't and left her with a very young baby - not my thing and I wouldn't date him.

But as I say there are exceptions but I'd not waste my time finding out... and as others have said I can imagine the ex would have a very different story.

JumpNWave · 04/09/2022 07:54

I’d be extremely wary if I was planning a family with him.

’Falling out of love’ is a pretty selfish, immature excuse to leave your newborn baby and essentially opt out of the toughest bit of parenting.

Yes, people can and do learn from experiences and change. Let’s hope that’s what’s happened here.

But for my own protection, I’d be thinking carefully about committing to this guy. What happens if he ‘falls out of love’ with you when you need him most?

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 07:55

It sounds like you don’t really know him or what’s happening. ‘He may be going back to court’.

In which case, I wouldn’t be taking his word for it, when he says ‘she messes me about’. She could be, but more often than not when people say this, it’s usually not accurate and they are leaving huge bits out.

I wouldn’t hold it against someone, if they ended their marriage. But I would be wary of someone who left when their baby was so young.

BigFatLiar · 04/09/2022 08:03

Danceswithkids · 04/09/2022 00:29

If a friend of mine told me that she was unhappy with her partner 6 months after the birth or her first child when it had been a happy relationship pre-baby and no abuse or him being a terrible father, I would not advise her to leave. I'd say it's a tough time and things can change quickly.

Show quote history

She just says they were constantly arguing, no mention of it only being after the baby.

Moving on to a new partner in six months doesn't sound like she was devastated, sounds more like she was ready for someone else. If a man was moving on so fast I'd suspect the new woman was already on the scene.

As for using him as a baby sitting service. As others say you don't babysit your own children and any stepmum on here will confirm its a joy to be expected to step up and look after step kids without notice because their mum wants to go out or go away for the weekend.

charabang · 04/09/2022 08:09

Difficult to say as you are only hearing one version of the truth. But it doesn't add up enough for you to trust it otherwise you wouldn't be asking, right? I can only speak from experience of my last marriage where I took my husband at his word that he was an involved father to his child from a former relationship, that his ex was difficult regarding arrangements etc... Turned out he was very poor in fathering stakes, his child was nervous of his awful temper, and he would be completely disruptive with any plans if he felt he could get one over the child's mother.

Datingadviceplease · 04/09/2022 08:24

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:57

It wasn't a mutual decision.
She was devastated.

Hell no

RoutineLow · 04/09/2022 08:32

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2022 22:25

Are we now going to start telling women to stay in unhappy relationships because they have children?

Are they deadbeat mums for breaking the relationship?

Nobody has expressed the opinion that a person, male or female, should stay indefinitely in an unhappy relationship. But it's unrealistic to expect a long term partnership or a marriage to never experience any bumps in the road or periods of difficulty. Most mature adults realise that major life changes - like having a baby - can bring about or intensify such periods. If the baby was only 6 months old and there was no abuse (which OP has confirmed) then he did not stick around long enough to try and work through the difficulties before he walked away and left his wife with all the donkey work of parenting a small baby. If you aren't committed enough to a relationship to try and make it work in hard times, then you shouldn't be bringing kids into it.

MacaroniBaloney · 04/09/2022 08:50

I certainly wouldn't plan on having kids with him.

The first year is tough, and good people get their heads down and battle through it.

I'd be worried he clears off once things get hard.

allthebikes · 04/09/2022 13:26

Some of the comments here are mad. Why wouldn't you trust him? It's not workable to stay in a relationship with someone you don't love.
It doesn't mean he's not a good dad.
My BIL broke up with his wife when they had two young children and everyone who knows them breathed a sigh of relief as she was utterly miserable. He is much happier now, and the children have a happier dad.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 04/09/2022 14:37

Besides that, personally I would not want to be involved in the inevitable drama that this relationship will entail.

^This sums it up for me. Maybe he's a good dad, maybe he's a crap dad because he bailed when the going got tough. Either way your relationship with him is going to involve a lot of drama because of his previous relationship. So it would be a no from me.

WhatNoRaisins · 04/09/2022 14:39

I'm probably a bit biased as I just wouldn't want to get involved with someone with children full stop and obviously others will feel differently.

SudocremOnEverything · 04/09/2022 14:57

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 04/09/2022 14:37

Besides that, personally I would not want to be involved in the inevitable drama that this relationship will entail.

^This sums it up for me. Maybe he's a good dad, maybe he's a crap dad because he bailed when the going got tough. Either way your relationship with him is going to involve a lot of drama because of his previous relationship. So it would be a no from me.

He could be a good dad… but a dreadful partner in all but the fairest of weathers.

Having ‘fallen out of love’ and left his wife with a tiny baby to care for is indicative that, when things are tough, he probably won’t be there for you. I wouldn’t wait til things were tough to find out whether it was a one off or a pattern.