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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust a man who walked out in his wife

112 replies

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:38

Of five years and his six month old daughter?
They fell out of love and were fighting continually.
He co parents relatively well with his exw.

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 03/09/2022 19:59

Its hard to know just from that.
I would have a million questions before i could satisy myself he was ok.

Its ok to split up, but i would need to know how he continues to financially and emotionally continues to support his child.
How did he deal with the break up, treating the mother of his child only 6months after she had given birth.

What caused these arguments, bringing a new baby into the world is stressful did he do enough to try to make it work and support his GF.

I couldn't answer just from this, i would need to know him and lot lots more about his situation

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 20:01

If she was devastated presumably she didn't see it coming. What's his communication like? Does he regret doing it the way he did?

Readaboutyourself · 03/09/2022 20:02

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:57

It wasn't a mutual decision.
She was devastated.

Then he didn’t walk out.

Relationships end and some should regardless of the children.

Readaboutyourself · 03/09/2022 20:04

Oh sorry, I misread that. Sounds messy but years have past.

Treacletoots · 03/09/2022 20:05

So he left her with 6 month old, and only has her weekends? The child is now 5, so he's had plenty of time to renegotiate that custody arrangement.

I wouldn't. It shows he leaves when the going gets tough and doesn't care about the other person. Raising a 6 month old is fucking hard with two active parents. With just one, I can only imagine.

It's a no from me.

Danceswithkids · 03/09/2022 20:06

Personally I wouldn't unless there was some compelling backstory. (I.e. they had already broken up before they found out she was pregnant and tried the relationship for the sake of the baby, or the partner was abusive, etc).

If they were a normal happy couple, had a baby and he bailed after 6 months I wouldn't think much of him (sorry). Everyone knows having a baby (sleep deprivation etc) can be extremely tough on a relationship, I would expect someone to wait it out longer than 6 months to see if it was just new parenthood stress.

I'd want a partner who is going to be there through the tough times.

Crocwok · 03/09/2022 20:09

PrepayMeter · 03/09/2022 19:42

It depends on what you mean by “walked out”.

If you mean the relationship ended, he moved out, he plays an active role in his daughter’s life and supports her financially, and there was no other woman involved at the time of the break-up, then no, I wouldn’t have an issue with it. These things happen.

If you mean he dumped them, doesn’t see or support his daughter, and/or was culpable in the breakdown of the relationship, then the opposite.

I agree with this, huge difference between the 2. I left my now ex DH when our DS as a year old as I was miserable. There wasn't any other man in the picture, we tried to make it work but it just wasn't anymore- he was devastated but I don't think it makes me a bad person. We have always co-parented well and both now happily married to other people. His wife is amazing and they are much better suited than we ever were.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2022 20:09

Red flags there.

Did he behave like an entitled arsehole who thought having a wife on mat leave meant he had a servant available to cater to his every need?

Was he abusive? Abuse often starts during pregnancy or in the post partum period. It's not caused by stress, for those trying to explain it away.

I would have a long chat with the ex wife before moving forward with this relationshipbif I were you.

Bellsbeachwaves · 03/09/2022 20:11

Not a chance in hell.

Bellsbeachwaves · 03/09/2022 20:12

Actually unless he didn't fuck about with the divorce settlement and was generous and responsible, is very involved with kids etc

But still, it's probably most of the time very much a no. I think the above is rare

spirit20 · 03/09/2022 20:12

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:53

His exw is in a relationship and has been approximately 6 months after he left.
Her partner lives with his daughter and exw

The daughter is six months old, and the ex has been in a relationship with someone else for six months? I had assumed he had walked about after the daughter was born. When exactly did he leave her?

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 20:15

The daughter is six months old, and the ex has been in a relationship with someone else for six months? I had assumed he had walked about after the daughter was born. When exactly did he leave her?

She was 6 months old when he left. 3 years ago.

Original poster
flatflips · 03/09/2022 20:15

Three years ago he left.

OP posts:
spirit20 · 03/09/2022 20:22

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 20:15

The daughter is six months old, and the ex has been in a relationship with someone else for six months? I had assumed he had walked about after the daughter was born. When exactly did he leave her?

She was 6 months old when he left. 3 years ago.

Oh okay. I got confused.

In that case, I don't see why it should be an issue. For me, it would all be about how involved he is with the life of his daughter. If he wasn't that interested in having a strong relationship with her, then for me, that would be a deal-breaker. But ultimately, if it wasn't working out with the mother, then he is entitled to leave.

Josette77 · 03/09/2022 20:23

I think it depends on so much more.

Allinadayswork80 · 03/09/2022 20:25

PrepayMeter · 03/09/2022 19:42

It depends on what you mean by “walked out”.

If you mean the relationship ended, he moved out, he plays an active role in his daughter’s life and supports her financially, and there was no other woman involved at the time of the break-up, then no, I wouldn’t have an issue with it. These things happen.

If you mean he dumped them, doesn’t see or support his daughter, and/or was culpable in the breakdown of the relationship, then the opposite.

This sums it up perfectly ^

Pawpatrolwereonaroll · 03/09/2022 20:26

I wouldnt go near him. He sounds weak and sending to have walked out on his wife and child at that point

velvetvixen · 03/09/2022 20:27

flatflips · 03/09/2022 19:57

It wasn't a mutual decision.
She was devastated.

But had a new man 6 months later?

keeprunning55 · 03/09/2022 20:34

No. It doesn’t sound ideal.

limitededitionbarbie · 03/09/2022 20:35

It depends. Why did he leave. Did he offer proper support once he left. Does he continue to offer proper support.

Has he arranged to go to court for the access he wants.

Relationships do break down. It's how it's handled afterwards if their are children involved that matters.

I would consider how has he handled this and is it what you would be happy with if you were his ex partner as of you split up then his actions surrounding his break up will be the same actions if you ever break up.

My DH pays maintenance for his step son because it's morally the right thing to do. He had been in his life for over ten years. He's his son maybe not biologically but he's still his father.

If he is morally right in everything he has done and is doing then no it's not a red flag. If he's not doing the right thing then yes it's a massive red flag.

3peassuit · 03/09/2022 20:38

He’s not a keeper.

Hopeandlove · 03/09/2022 20:40

No you don’t leave your partner and your child - just no

Original poster
flatflips · 03/09/2022 20:42

I wouldn't be happy if I was his exw.
Theirs is a complicated relationship now.
Mum doesn't want her daughter to go to her Dads every weekend but won't agree to eow.

OP posts:
Solasum · 03/09/2022 20:42

Maybe he couldn’t cope with no longer being the centre of his ex wife’s attention, resented that his sex life was reduced, and so threw his toys out of the pram.

A big clue would be what kind of life he leads now. Is he a Disney dad, or actually sharing the load of child rearing? Does he pay maintenance willingly?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2022 20:43

flatflips · 03/09/2022 20:42

I wouldn't be happy if I was his exw.
Theirs is a complicated relationship now.
Mum doesn't want her daughter to go to her Dads every weekend but won't agree to eow.

She probably wants to pretend her boyfriend is her baby’s dad now. She was so devastated she met and moved someone else in.