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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up hope I'll ever meet someone?

79 replies

KeysUnlocked · 03/09/2022 18:59

POF - met a guy last week who actually seemed keen, the chat was flowing, we met up, didn't give myself in on the first date (as I usually do Blush) blah blah...

2nd date last night, really good chat again...sex...then he messages today, all seems well.

For past 4 hours he's been on and off line on WhatsApp but no message - I know this sounds daft but every day it has been pretty constant messages.

He's 43, so not a kid, but I'm exactly right smack bang to where I was, pulling these walls up even further, AGAIN, wondering what the hell it is I'm doing wrong Sad I'm fairly attractive, good job, independent etc., should I just face facts now that I will never meet someone who wants to be with me again? 😔😢😢😣 Feeling so fucking heartbroken and used again 😢😢

OP posts:
x2boys · 03/09/2022 19:30

There, s nothing wrong with sleeping with some one on the first date if it's what you both want ,but some men do seem to judge women who do this ,double standards ,I dint know why ,but they are probably not worth it anyway
Having said that my Dh was a one night stand ,that never ended so whonknows .

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 16:23

Well it seems today I have clearly been ghosted 👻
Why the fuck do they do this?? Angry

He was the one to send the last message last night (it wasn't a question), but not a peep whatsoever from him today.

This is so fucking relentlessly tiring, he seemed so keen, a little shy in fact HmmSad

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 04/09/2022 16:26

so... does this guy have a life? Is it possible he is busy today? Is it possible he is one of the many people who do not message constantly? For me, it is not normal to be constantly messaging as most people have lives to get on with, even if they are meeting up with dates.
Personally I would leave it a good 24 hours with no contact before I started to even think I had been ghosted.l

Valhalla17 · 04/09/2022 16:29

You have no idea if he's ghosted you. He sent the last message...suggest you give it a day or two and then drop him a message. Stay cool OP.

vivainsomnia · 04/09/2022 16:34

One week, 2 dates and expect assurance that it won't stop after sex?

If you want more certainty, you need to get to know the person a bit more before ending in bed with them. For all you know, the guy is married and wanted a bit of fun whilst wife and kid was away in holiday.

BCBird · 04/09/2022 16:38

Hi
It is not easy meeting people I know. I think you need to be kinder to yourself. I have spent most of my adult life single- circumstance rather than deliberate.

I would say that if this is what usually happens when you meet someone why not try and change your response. Basically you have spent time together and it seems as if he is retreating? You mention being in this situation again well you can't determine what someone else does but you can determine how you react. If we feel we have made mistakes this is not a problem, the problem is when we repeat or never learn from them.
After my first relationship was unexpectedly cut short i knew that there were certain things that I was not prepared to put up with the next time. I stuck to this. My next relationship was sweet but ended painfully but I know that when I am ready I will not compromise on certain different particulars again.
Be strong.

x2boys · 04/09/2022 16:43

If he has ghosted you because you slept with him ,he's not worth it tbh
But see how it goes he might just be busy today

FrancescaContini · 04/09/2022 16:45

Why are you agonising over every single text message? You’ve only had two dates with him. You sound very needy. Get busy with your own life and switch your phone off.

ilyx · 04/09/2022 16:48

Imo sleeping with someone on the second date, when you barely know him is way too soon. Next time definitely don’t do it for atleast a few weeks.

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 04/09/2022 16:51

If you don’t want to feel used for sex you need to stop sleeping with these men on the first or second date. If you wait a couple of months you are more likely to weed out the ones who only want a shag, generally they’ll lose interest and not want to put in the effort if they’re only interested in sex.

Sisisimone · 04/09/2022 16:51

I don't get it. Are you expecting him to message all day every day? Maybe he's been busy today. And he messaged you last so why don't you send him a quick message? You sound very needy and full on.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/09/2022 17:11

With all the care in the world you need to stop spiralling. This doesn't mean he's ghosted you. If so, you will know in due course - that moment isn't right now. He might be busy right now or not have much to say or just wants to sit in his boxers watching football with the occasional text to his friend. You have no idea so don't make up disaster scenarios in your head.

Babymamamama · 04/09/2022 17:13

Why do you have sex so early on? You hardly know them?

CookPassBabtridge · 04/09/2022 17:36

Yeah you had sex too early. Most men only want that so will disappear once they've had it. Hold off longer if you want to filter the true connections.

Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:03

Babymamamama · 04/09/2022 17:13

Why do you have sex so early on? You hardly know them?

To be fair, I'm 39 and love sex, not gonna lie! I was in an almost sexless, unhappy marriage for 10 years so why not? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:04

Sisisimone · 04/09/2022 16:51

I don't get it. Are you expecting him to message all day every day? Maybe he's been busy today. And he messaged you last so why don't you send him a quick message? You sound very needy and full on.

Difficult not to be when you've been used, raped in past and have GAD, I dunno maybe that explains why I'm rather guarded and jaded Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:05

BCBird · 04/09/2022 16:38

Hi
It is not easy meeting people I know. I think you need to be kinder to yourself. I have spent most of my adult life single- circumstance rather than deliberate.

I would say that if this is what usually happens when you meet someone why not try and change your response. Basically you have spent time together and it seems as if he is retreating? You mention being in this situation again well you can't determine what someone else does but you can determine how you react. If we feel we have made mistakes this is not a problem, the problem is when we repeat or never learn from them.
After my first relationship was unexpectedly cut short i knew that there were certain things that I was not prepared to put up with the next time. I stuck to this. My next relationship was sweet but ended painfully but I know that when I am ready I will not compromise on certain different particulars again.
Be strong.

Thank you honey Daffodil Deffo learn bits from every one, I wouldn't have been into messaging so much if he hadn't x

OP posts:
Original poster
KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:15

See, what really confuses me here also (on MN) is that posters will generally say it's only been a day, he has a life blah blah, but will then ALSO say if he was into you he'd make it known ?! Can't win Confused

OP posts:
Aretheyhavingalaugh · 04/09/2022 18:18

Why don't you just message him and say ' how was your day' and see if he replies. You'll then know whether or not you've been ghosted

Walesscales · 04/09/2022 18:21

He sent the last message... I don't get it why are you waiting for him to message you why don't you just message him? You're 39 for goodness sakes, grow up a bit.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 04/09/2022 18:26

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:15

See, what really confuses me here also (on MN) is that posters will generally say it's only been a day, he has a life blah blah, but will then ALSO say if he was into you he'd make it known ?! Can't win Confused

You do know that Mn isn’t one homogenous mass. It’s made up of different people with different opinions and experiences.

For some people this would be a clear cut “he’s just not that into you”. For others, all the texting and angst would be too much and they’d rather just see where things go.

If you don’t want to text him then just get on with your life. He either will or will not come back to you. Nothing you can do about it. Oh except text him and start the chat off yourself of course.

ChampagneLassie · 04/09/2022 18:34

I dated extensively in my 30s and I would say I went through all of this and my advice/ learnings would be:
Wait at least 5 dates before sex with anyone you consider relationship material. It sucks but many men will view you differently if you put out too soon.
Don't message lots, be brief, you can't build a relationship over message. But you can get invested and waste lots of time.
Multi-date and try to play very cool until someone is making it clear they want a exclusive relationship

x2boys · 04/09/2022 18:43

Have you messaged him since he messaged you?
Maybe he's sat at home thinking you have ghosted him?
Send him a message see what happens?

ilyx · 04/09/2022 18:54

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:03

To be fair, I'm 39 and love sex, not gonna lie! I was in an almost sexless, unhappy marriage for 10 years so why not? Hmm

Show quote history

Why not??! Bex

ilyx · 04/09/2022 18:55

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:03

To be fair, I'm 39 and love sex, not gonna lie! I was in an almost sexless, unhappy marriage for 10 years so why not? Hmm

Show quote history

…because men are put off by it generally