Page 3 | To give up hope I'll ever meet someone?

KeysUnlocked · 2022-09-03T17:59:38+00:00

POF - met a guy last week who actually seemed keen, the chat was flowing, we met up, didn't give myself in on the first date (as I usually do [blush]) blah blah... 2nd date last night, really good chat again...sex...then he messages today, all seems well. For past 4 hours he's been on and off line on WhatsApp but no message - I know this sounds daft but every day it has been pretty constant messages. He's 43, so not a kid, but I'm exactly right smack bang to where I was, pulling these walls up even further, AGAIN, wondering what the hell it is I'm doing wrong [sad] I'm fairly attractive, good job, independent etc., should I just face facts now that I will never meet someone who wants to be with me again? 😔😢😢😣 Feeling so fucking heartbroken and used again 😢😢

choolaboola · 04/09/2022 23:44

to those saying OP slept with him too soon - get a grip. My now husband happened on the first night - I've been ghosted by people that I have slept with on the first night too. Why? Don't know. But im now glad they did, whoever they were.

Fact of the matter is, we can try to find a pattern to this all we want, but some people work and others don't. Why? Maybe one is not ready, maybe one has feelings for someone else, maybe one (or two) don't feel the spark! Who knows. If we knew the secret to this, we'd be very rich.

What I do know is, the more you obsess about this kind of stuff, OP, the more it will be obvious you are self-conscious about someone ghosting you. Enjoy it for what it is, keep busy, get your own interests going, play the field, those who are right for you will stick. Those who are not right, won't.

Why does it happen for some easier than others? Not sure. It's not a looks thing, it's not a personality thing. It's a right place right time thing. And then those relationships don't work out sometimes also. So I suppose, we need to nurture ourselves, rather than concentrating on whether strangers like us or not.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 04/09/2022 23:51

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 23:41

Well for those saying I sound 'needy', I should have listened to my gut as I found out this evening that he had given me a false surname!

MN can be so fucking cruel at times it's as though some of you have never been hirt

Are you sure? Could you of misheard or spelt it incorrectly? How did you find out?

Original poster

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:02

choolaboola · 04/09/2022 23:44

to those saying OP slept with him too soon - get a grip. My now husband happened on the first night - I've been ghosted by people that I have slept with on the first night too. Why? Don't know. But im now glad they did, whoever they were.

Fact of the matter is, we can try to find a pattern to this all we want, but some people work and others don't. Why? Maybe one is not ready, maybe one has feelings for someone else, maybe one (or two) don't feel the spark! Who knows. If we knew the secret to this, we'd be very rich.

What I do know is, the more you obsess about this kind of stuff, OP, the more it will be obvious you are self-conscious about someone ghosting you. Enjoy it for what it is, keep busy, get your own interests going, play the field, those who are right for you will stick. Those who are not right, won't.

Why does it happen for some easier than others? Not sure. It's not a looks thing, it's not a personality thing. It's a right place right time thing. And then those relationships don't work out sometimes also. So I suppose, we need to nurture ourselves, rather than concentrating on whether strangers like us or not.

Thank you so much, I'm in tears again as I read this as there have been so many more messages since I posted

OP posts:

scooble · 05/09/2022 02:04

With that attitude, you’ll never meet someone

scooble · 05/09/2022 02:07

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 23:41

Well for those saying I sound 'needy', I should have listened to my gut as I found out this evening that he had given me a false surname!

MN can be so fucking cruel at times it's as though some of you have never been hirt

Oh ok except you posted on MN knowing what it’s like so…

Original poster

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:09

Seriously, do you lot get a fucking kick out of knocking someone when they are down ?!?

OP posts:

scooble · 05/09/2022 02:12

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:09

Seriously, do you lot get a fucking kick out of knocking someone when they are down ?!?

it seems AIBU is not for you 😊

Original poster

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:23

Nah, just seems MN is full of self-righteous pricks getting kicks out of another's misery!

OP posts:

scooble · 05/09/2022 02:35

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:23

Nah, just seems MN is full of self-righteous pricks getting kicks out of another's misery!

Oh my apologies for not agreeing with your post to the letter! 😞

why did you post on here if not wanting opinions?

FrancescaContini · 05/09/2022 07:00

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 02:23

Nah, just seems MN is full of self-righteous pricks getting kicks out of another's misery!

You’re one of the most childish OPs I have ever come across. I don’t believe you’re 43.

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 07:08

scooble · 05/09/2022 02:12

it seems AIBU is not for you 😊

Show quote history

I’m sorry @scooble this is such bull and typical of the “mean girl” cabal on AIBU.

AIBU is not a homogenised approach to ripping apart OPs and their arguments. It can, it it wants to be, a kinder , more analytical place where OPs are given short shrift if they’re unreasonable, BUT given consideration if they are vulnerable.

The OP clearly falls into that category - she has GAD, she has been assaulted in the past.

Yet the majority of the “sisterhood” on here want to pile in jumping with both feet , on the fact that she slept with him on the second date. Good lord. That’s what people get from this post?

@KeysUnlocked please consider posting in Relationships next time. This board is full of folk who love nothing more than giving someone a good hiding because they have inadequacies in their life.

ThinkingForEveryone · 05/09/2022 07:43

It is AIBU, some people think the OP Is being unreasonable.
He sent the last message- she hasn't replied therefore he hasn't ghosted her.
She then drip fed about her various issues/past defending her position and whining at people that posted their thoughts.

Thatswhyimacat · 05/09/2022 08:27

You're catastrophizing OP - I don't know if you've had any CBT for your GAD but if you have I hope you can recognise this.

Many people on here have been hurt before, worse than this. You are extrapolating a couple of bad dates, which many, many people have experienced, to 'I will never meet anyone'.

Your first thought at not being messaged for less than 24 hours was ghosting. Even if it ends up being true, that shouldn't be your first conclusion.

Take a step back, rewrite your thoughts and you might see that this particular person isn't worth getting so worked up about.

notanothertakeaway · 05/09/2022 08:38

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 04/09/2022 16:51

If you don’t want to feel used for sex you need to stop sleeping with these men on the first or second date. If you wait a couple of months you are more likely to weed out the ones who only want a shag, generally they’ll lose interest and not want to put in the effort if they’re only interested in sex.

Agree with this

Aprilx · 05/09/2022 08:53

KeysUnlocked · 04/09/2022 18:03

To be fair, I'm 39 and love sex, not gonna lie! I was in an almost sexless, unhappy marriage for 10 years so why not?

Show quote history

No reason why not, unless it makes you feel worse if he disappears immediately or near immediately afterwards. I am not clear on whether it does make you feel worse or not though.

stillvicarinatutu · 05/09/2022 09:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 09:35

ThinkingForEveryone · 05/09/2022 07:43

It is AIBU, some people think the OP Is being unreasonable.
He sent the last message- she hasn't replied therefore he hasn't ghosted her.
She then drip fed about her various issues/past defending her position and whining at people that posted their thoughts.

She “drip-fed”??

she “defended” and then “whined”??

as I said before, AIBU is a joke - based on this above criticism, OPs have to include everything in their original post, absolutely everything - and then, they get called out for writing “too long essays”… can’t win.

Then if they complain about their situation, that leaves them ripe for the mean girl cabal to say “stop whining, never mind you were raped and have GAD, you didn’t declare your full position in your OP, and you need to get your big girl pants on and text back and stop being a drip”. Etc.

This forum can and should be better, but I think many of you just enjoy too much tearing strips out of people with vulnerabilities

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 09:35

ThinkingForEveryone · 05/09/2022 07:43

It is AIBU, some people think the OP Is being unreasonable.
He sent the last message- she hasn't replied therefore he hasn't ghosted her.
She then drip fed about her various issues/past defending her position and whining at people that posted their thoughts.

She “drip-fed”??

she “defended” and then “whined”??

as I said before, AIBU is a joke - based on this above criticism, OPs have to include everything in their original post, absolutely everything - and then, they get called out for writing “too long essays”… can’t win.

Then if they complain about their situation, that leaves them ripe for the mean girl cabal to say “stop whining, never mind you were raped and have GAD, you didn’t declare your full position in your OP, and you need to get your big girl pants on and text back and stop being a drip”. Etc.

This forum can and should be better, but I think many of you just enjoy too much tearing strips out of people with vulnerabilities

Dita73 · 05/09/2022 09:43

Maybe you swear too much

FrancescaContini · 05/09/2022 11:18

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 09:35

She “drip-fed”??

she “defended” and then “whined”??

as I said before, AIBU is a joke - based on this above criticism, OPs have to include everything in their original post, absolutely everything - and then, they get called out for writing “too long essays”… can’t win.

Then if they complain about their situation, that leaves them ripe for the mean girl cabal to say “stop whining, never mind you were raped and have GAD, you didn’t declare your full position in your OP, and you need to get your big girl pants on and text back and stop being a drip”. Etc.

This forum can and should be better, but I think many of you just enjoy too much tearing strips out of people with vulnerabilities

Show quote history

Nobody said “never mind you were raped and have GAD”, FGS.

SavoirFlair · 05/09/2022 11:57

FrancescaContini · 05/09/2022 11:18

Nobody said “never mind you were raped and have GAD”, FGS.

Show quote history

No they didn’t say that. For the literalists among us who are desperate to defend the bearpit here , they didn’t say exactly that. I paraphrased. Is that ok?

they did dismissively write “she then drip fed about her various issues/past defending her position”.

that to me is saying “oh those various issues you used to defend yourself should have been upfront” which is absurd - if someone says they’ve been raped and has GAD, I think it deserves more from posters than these responses in here.

AIBU is a joke - all the folk who are being deliberately nasty to OP know what they are doing. Hateful behaviour.

ThinkingForEveryone · 05/09/2022 13:27

@SavoirFlair I haven't been nasty to anyone....you on the other hand have been.

Original poster

KeysUnlocked · 05/09/2022 14:19

I'm not 43, not sure where that came from, I'm just 39.

And I am absolutely astounded at the evil bullying environment on AIBU, opinions are one thing but to be plain nasty, and one of you say I'm being childish?!

MN I think these posts ought to be monitored as if I'd read some of these replies last night I would've quite literally been sent over the edge

Grown up women, absolutely disgusting except for the very few who seem to have a heart

OP posts:

mamabear715 · 05/09/2022 17:58

@KeysUnlocked
I agree. :-(
I hope you're ok..

AchatAVendre · 05/09/2022 18:08

I get the impression that a fair proportion of posters on mumsnet drawn to these type of threads are very traditional in their views and life experiences, and possibly of an older demographic. Much older. Pre-online dating older.

Theres been some horrible posts lately. On one thread, a poster told the OP, who was upset about a relationship, that she "felt sorry for people who couldn't form healthy relationships".

On another, the mother of a teenager who had been sent repeated messages by an online date she was no longer interested in was told her daughter had to take the blame for leading him on. Because obviously a 17 or 18 year old or whatever is going to be really good at using their life experience to spot potential harassment and nip it in the bud...

I think it is much harder to get boyfriends, partners, husbands, whatever nowadays. Online dating and free access to hardcore porn have made sure of that. A lot of men are very badly behaved and have learned how to lie and cheat to access the vast array of goods put in their way. Evidence indicates that many now expect anal sex and indulge in slapping and strangulation as standard practices (the latter happened to me and I was horrified). And to pacify the traditionalists, it was about 10 years ago and I'm married now.

I don't know what the solution is, but it certainly isn't to berate women who fall victim to these men. And sorry, but give someone a fake surname in order to have sex with someone is an act which leaves a victim (how did you find out about the fake surname) OP?