To leave my son in his cot

[ChatterCot]

Sometimes in the afternoon I will put my son in his cot and close the curtains, put on some white noise and leave him. He often doesn't sleep but will instead just lie there playing with a teddy or quietly chatting to himself.

I use this time to have a brew or watch TV. Typically for around 40 mins - an hour before he stands up and starts whinging at which point I'll go and get him. Very occasionally he'll fall asleep and stay up there for longer but most of the time he just lies in his cot quietly.

A family member thinks this is mean if he's not actually asleep. Imo though if he's not crying then he's okay?

YABU - even if he's not crying, he shouldn't be left in his cot when not asleep.

YANBU - it's fine for you and he to have some downtime if he's not upset.

I've never known a toddler who wouldn't make it abundantly clear if they were unhappy with their accommodations

Neither of mine were brilliant sleepers, and are two very different characters, but both have loved their beds from an early age. Dd2 is two and will happily lie in her cot and babble and sing away to herself and her teddies for half an hour most mornings. She calls us when she gets bored. Like I say, not shy in demanding attention when they want it!

No naps at 18MO is unusual

If he wasn't fine he would cry. If he isn't crying and just quietly playing by himself it sounds like a great idea.

Have you tried taking him for a walk in the pushchair at that time instead?
Not that there's anything wrong with what you're doing, but if he's not settling to sleep in the cot then the movement of the pushchair might help him to manage a nap.

If you were leaving him screaming for 40 minutes I’d agree with your critics.

but leaving a happily calm toddler to have a bit of quiet time, which coincidentally allows you to take a break too is great. You said yourself, he seems to need it since he dropped his nap.

You collect him once he’s had enough, you’re both refreshed by it, and I bet you both have a better afternoon and evening as a result.

at similar stages when my children were dropping naps but still really needed them, I used to go for a boring buggy walk, or hop in the car and head to Costa for a drive thru. They’d often nap in the buggy or car seat once they’d stopped napping in the cot. And I could take a book and chill for a bit.

It’s not lazy, it’s meeting his needs and yours.

Quiet time is not bad or selfish, can't believe some of these replies!

Jesus, the martyr brigade are out in force.

Heaven forbid that a mother takes a short break while her child is safely and peacefully occupying himself.

Personally I think in years to come you will regret you did this.

I think this is a good move. My LO went through a nap strike when she was a bit older than yours but she needed quiet time and after a month or so actually started taking an approx 1 hour nap again- so I would stick with it!
I also do NOT think you are selfish because 1) 18month olds need rest and 2) it is absolutely fine to recognise that you need a break during the day and during this time your child is safe and happy- as PP have said you would surely know if he was unhappy! I think some of the responses you have had are quite mean so don’t let them upset you

You’ve never met a neglected baby/toddler then that knows that crying or fussing results in nothing., just being ignored. Or worse. Those babies/toddlers don’t cry or fuss but they’re not happy either. The absence of crying/fussing isn’t the same as being “happy”.

Oh come on. Serious long-term neglect is not what OP is describing, don't be ridiculous.

What makes you personally think this?

Perfectly fine. He's safe and cosy and you both get a rest.

Neglectful parents never do describe it for what it is, are you that naive? No one’s going to go on a forum and make it blatantly obvious, there are definite red flags though in OPs description which if you’ve never worked with neglect you’d not pick up on.

OP's child is playing with a teddy or quietly chatting to himself and she lifts him as soon as starts to 'whinge'.

Your comparison with a child who has suffered serious long term neglect is absurd.

Do you think then that the majority of posters who have agreed with OP are also neglecting and abusing their children?

I was thinking the opposite - I think it's really important that DC learn to play independently, enjoy their own company, feel comfortable and safe in their own rooms etc. Happy quiet play after lunch seems to me to be a great, gentle way to encourage that.

I would think that those who are horrified may in years to come regret not allowing their children to develop more independence in their play.

Sounds like it works for you and your little one.

That is all that matters.

Completely fine, I still do this some days with my twins (they’re 2.5) if they’re having a busy day. Frustratingly nursery still reliably get them to nap during their 2 days a week there (wizards!) but it’s down to ‘occasional’ for us at home!
Only difference is they’re in beds so they can have a play with some toys or grab a book from the bookshelf etc. Same as you some days they conk out for a sleep, others they just play happily in a quiet room for 45 mins and recharge their batteries!!
Some other days we all just go for a walk, but that’s not always the easy option with two haha.
My HV actually recommended the quiet time to me; sometimes we do it in the living room too on beanbags with a film on and again 50% of the time they zonk out there as well haha. Other times they lay very quietly for a bit. I dim all the lights etc.
Its hard work when they get in to the ‘some days I do, some days I don’t need a nap’ stage, it started at age 2 for us; I think having the quiet time is an excellent sort of ‘go-between’ especially to power you through to bed time!

Neglect is by far the most common type of child abuse, there is no “and abusing” as neglect by itself is a form of abuse. Over 26,335 children are on protection plans in England and Wales as of 2019 (that’s more than half those on a protection plan). And when you think about all the children not reported and not on protection plans…there are going to be many more of them.

So you’ll have to forgive me but the “majority” opinion means nothing to me. Not when you see the figures of how prevalent and insidious child neglect is. I personally would not do it, as I do think it is neglectful.

I don’t think it is serious life threatening neglect, but I don’t think it is healthy or positive for the child at all. How would you feel if a nanny you had hired took an long break like this? Is it really child care to stuff an awake and alert child in a dark room, in a wooden cage they cannot get out of and walk away to watch TV and sip tea? Sorry no, not something I can condone or praise.

No regrets here as I have 4 DC and youngest just turned 18. You don’t have to shut them in a cot in a dark room when they’re 18 months old to teach them “independent play” what utter rot.

Red flags? Plural? Could you expand please?

18mths is early to drop nap. Poor you

nothing wrong with quiet time. ESP if falls asleep

it’s not like you are leaving him screaming getting upset while you ignore and watch tv

I think that you are being incredibly flippant to equate this with neglect.

Each of your posts is becoming more hyperbolic in turn and are really not to be taken at all seriously.

Give your head a wobble and stop playing games and trying to conflate a very serious issue with a toddler having a bit of quiet time and playing with a teddy.

I wish mine would do this!