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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my son in his cot

116 replies

ChatterCot · 03/09/2022 14:55

Sometimes in the afternoon I will put my son in his cot and close the curtains, put on some white noise and leave him. He often doesn't sleep but will instead just lie there playing with a teddy or quietly chatting to himself.

I use this time to have a brew or watch TV. Typically for around 40 mins - an hour before he stands up and starts whinging at which point I'll go and get him. Very occasionally he'll fall asleep and stay up there for longer but most of the time he just lies in his cot quietly.

A family member thinks this is mean if he's not actually asleep. Imo though if he's not crying then he's okay?

YABU - even if he's not crying, he shouldn't be left in his cot when not asleep.

YANBU - it's fine for you and he to have some downtime if he's not upset.

OP posts:
Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/09/2022 16:42

Especially after reading your second post - that your 18 month old has dropped most naps, I think you're doing the right thing for him. Quiet time, rest, call it what you like, but I think such a young child needs breaks throughout the day, and this is definitely a good solution if he won't sleep. You're not being mean, you're preventing a young, developing brain from being over-stimulated. You said that he's usually in a better mood afterwards - I think that should give you the answer.

JustSortYoursefOut · 03/09/2022 16:43

I think that's quite selfish of you. At 18 months, he needs to explore, talk, and learn. He won't do any of that alone in a darkened room whilst you watch tv

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 16:43

Can't see how this could be a problem! If he wasn't happy to be there I am sure you would know about it. I've always left mine on play mat or happily lying somewhere to get stuff done 🤷‍♀️

melj1213 · 03/09/2022 16:43

User135792468 · 03/09/2022 15:54

I agree with your family member. Leaving your child in his cot in a dark room so you can have alone time is pretty selfish imo. Watch tv when he’s in bed! Have a cup of tea when he’s playing in the living room. There are other ways of having quiet time, that don’t include shutting him by himself. If he napped, it would be a different story. The days he falls asleep, it’s from boredom, nothing else, don’t kid yourself otherwise. Maybe find another way to unwind that don’t put your own desires above the needs of your child.

It's not selfish to give a child some quiet time! What is the OP supposed to do if their child has dropped their nap but still gets overtired and grumpy so needs some quiet recharge time?

If the OP had said that her DC was screaming/crying and she ignored him so she could have her cup of tea and tv time then it would be selfish but this is not the case.

If the child was unhappy or upset they would let their parent know, but if they're happily amusing themselves with some quiet activity in their cot instead of sleeping then there is nothing wrong with taking that time for yourself.

I did exactly the same with DD when she was little, every day after lunch she would go in her cot for "quiet time" even after she dropped her nap - sometimes she would nap other times she would play with her teddy/books - but it was part of her routine that after lunch she went in her cot for an hour-ish and she thrived on it.

We lived in Spain when DD was little and so it also set her up for school where they did the same thing for the youngest kids - lunch was 2hrs so the children would have lunch, a bit of a run around, nap time then a final bit of play time before learning restarted in the afternoon. While the children were out of the classroom little individual cots were unstacked in their classroom with every child having their own blanket brought from home for an hours nap with blinds drawn and some white noise/quiet relaxing music on.

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 16:46

JustSortYoursefOut · 03/09/2022 16:43

I think that's quite selfish of you. At 18 months, he needs to explore, talk, and learn. He won't do any of that alone in a darkened room whilst you watch tv

I'm sure he has ample opportunity the other 23 hours and 20 minutes of the day 🙄

Christ but some people must live bloody miserable lives if you can't leave a happy baby to go and have a cup of tea and read a magazine. No thanks.

melj1213 · 03/09/2022 16:46

JustSortYoursefOut · 03/09/2022 16:43

I think that's quite selfish of you. At 18 months, he needs to explore, talk, and learn. He won't do any of that alone in a darkened room whilst you watch tv

The child is in their cot for 40mins quiet time after lunch and presumably can explore, talk and learn in the other 12-14 hours of the day, they're not left in their cot alone 24/7 ffs!

BigWoollyJumpers · 03/09/2022 16:50

Absolutely fine and definitely not selfish at all! Toddlers and children need down time, they need to able to occupy themselves, allow their imaginations to develop. If they are constantly led by parents, that's all they'll know.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 03/09/2022 16:53

@ChatterCot

youre doing the right thing, they need quiet time at 18 months, whether they nap or not.

he's perfectly happy & you're both refreshed afterwards.

it's a skill to learn to amuse themselves too.

dome people ckearky don't understand what babies/toddlers need - hint, it's not stimulation every waking moment!

Dragoned · 03/09/2022 16:55

Totally reasonable! I wish I could do this with my youngest but she’s a total escape artist and would definitely just cause carnage in her bedroom (it’s safe but it’s not really a rest for me if I then have to spend half an hour tidying up!) so I have to resort to putting the tv on and hiding in the kitchen with an audiobook.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 16:55

Of course it’s fine - a rest for you both.

Nurseries used to have quiet time when kids could lie down on mats or just quietly look at books. Not sure if they still do, but it’s perfectly normal.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 16:57

JustSortYoursefOut · 03/09/2022 16:43

I think that's quite selfish of you. At 18 months, he needs to explore, talk, and learn. He won't do any of that alone in a darkened room whilst you watch tv

@JustSortYoursefOut

He also needs rest time you dope. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be happily resting. An overtired toddler is not a happy toddler.

raindon · 03/09/2022 17:01

Absolutely fine. He needs a rest.

Somethingsnappy · 03/09/2022 17:05

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 16:57

@JustSortYoursefOut

He also needs rest time you dope. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be happily resting. An overtired toddler is not a happy toddler.

Show quote history

This response made me laugh! But it's very true.

Discovereads · 03/09/2022 17:09

I couldn’t do this to a toddler. Put in a dark room, behind the bars of a cot and left alone. If you want quiet time, why not have him in a play pen in the living room with his toys while you read a book on the sofa? I understand how you don’t want over-stimulate by doing one on one play all the time, but I think having companionable quiet time hanging out together doing your own thing is much better than sticking them in baby jail in a dark room with shitty white noise.

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 17:10

Who are these toddlers who happily sit in their cots when they really don't want to be there? Where do I get one? Mine would have shouted the place down if she didn't want to be somewhere!

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 03/09/2022 17:11

Perfectly fine to me. It's good for them to have some time by themselves without lots of stimulation

orangeisthenewpuce · 03/09/2022 17:13

I think it's a great idea

Twizbe · 03/09/2022 17:22

He's safe and having quiet time.

I'd do it every day and see if the naps come back.

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 17:24

JustSortYoursefOut · 03/09/2022 16:43

I think that's quite selfish of you. At 18 months, he needs to explore, talk, and learn. He won't do any of that alone in a darkened room whilst you watch tv

He doesn't need to do those things 24/7 though 🙄

What do you think happens during quiet time at nursery?

Rinatinabina · 03/09/2022 17:26

We tried it, DD just kicked off massively, we went straight from napping to no napping and also a good ole “fuck that” to quiet time too. I would do it but I think I would probably feel a bit guilty about it even if she was happily having some downtime. I think as long as baby is happy it’s fine really.

BeanieTeen · 03/09/2022 17:27

I think a bit of quiet time is fine - but I wouldn’t do it for 40 mins. 30 tops probably. And I think I probably wouldn’t go for white noise anymore at that age - maybe some calm music or an audio story to listen to?

bakewellbride · 03/09/2022 17:33

I did that with my son but when he was older - 2 or 2 and a half and with me in the room. Unsupervised would've been no more than 5 mins or 10 max and no younger than 2.

At 18 months I left him in his cot for literally a couple of mins while I went for a wee and when I came back he had somehow got his leg stuck in the bars (we just have a normal traditional cot with normal looking wooden bars and I'd in no way thought this was a real risk). It took 40 mins to free him and was terrifying. I was on the verge of dialling 999. It's a risk I'll never take again. It's not worth it op.

Hugasauras · 03/09/2022 18:25

That sounds awful but I'm not sure how it's really relevant. Are you saying no toddlers should be in cots? Because surely they are in their cot unsupervised all night so what happened to your child was even more likely to happen overnight? Why would OP putting her child in the cot during the day be more unsafe than 12 hours overnight?

Seems very unlucky and bad cot design as they are designed for babies to be in on their own!

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 03/09/2022 19:08

Discovereads · 03/09/2022 17:09

I couldn’t do this to a toddler. Put in a dark room, behind the bars of a cot and left alone. If you want quiet time, why not have him in a play pen in the living room with his toys while you read a book on the sofa? I understand how you don’t want over-stimulate by doing one on one play all the time, but I think having companionable quiet time hanging out together doing your own thing is much better than sticking them in baby jail in a dark room with shitty white noise.

Baby jail. 😂 OP is making sure he stays safe.

WoodlandMummy · 03/09/2022 19:19

baby jail

oh Jesus. I’ve heard it all now 😂 so much hyperbole!

‘Shitty white noise’ Confused white noise is absolutely brilliant 🤩