Dd bullied for not having a dad

[Stephthegreat]

My dd had her first day in Year 5 today, she had problems with two of the girls in her class all through year 4 (being excluded, bullied for all kinds of silly reasons like her hair wasn’t nice, etc.). I’m proud she has come through that and I hoped the problems would stop in Year 5 (teachers had tried to resolve in Year 4).

my dh passed away in June and I’ve been trying to keep things as normal and positive for the dcs. Today dd came home and burst into tears saying that she couldn’t join the ‘girl group’ because the girls said it’s only for people with dads. She said she wasn’t allowed to join in because of this.

Im fuming and heartbroken for my dd. AIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow about this? One of the girls is very mean. There are only 6 girls in the class which makes it worse.

Contact Kidscape they will help you to make the school accountable. On the school website get their anti bullying policy. Make an appointment with the HT, take their policy with you, let the HT know how badly your child was failed by the school last school year by the school's failure to address the bullying and this has undoubtedly led to the latest incident. Ask the HT how they intend to address the latest incident in line with the anti bullying policy and if that doesn't work at what point do they intend to escalate actions in line with their policy? I'm so sorry your child has been subject to this, use the school's own policy to get results.

To update, the head spoke to each girl individually in her office to find out their story. She also interviewed my dd who was so stressed that she backtracked. Dd apparently hugged the other girls and I think the head got them to be friends again. She’s also told the girls that all families are different, etc and not to ask questions.

It was the ringleader (not a nice term but she’s the queen bee) birthday party today. Dd didn’t really want to go but I felt that the head had sorted these problems out. When we got to the party the girls mother had invited the head! The head was there with her ds who is in the mothers youngest dc class. There is also another party at the mothers house tomorrow (for youngest dc) that the head will probably attend (we haven’t been invited as not my dd age group).

Ive come away today feeling a bit uneasy about this as it seems like a conflict of interest with the head.

Sorry if this all seems a bit garbled, it’s been stressful and I feel exhausted from the whole situation.

I think it's awkward all round, I don't think I would attend parties as a headteacher but it sounds like a small school and maybe they've done that in the past.

Strikes me as a but cliquey, I think I'd be concerned the head has a friendship with these parents due to her dcs in the same class. I'd feel like she was biased.

Did the girls apologise? Or did your dd backtrack about what they'd said?
Primary schools can be cliquey like that. There was a bully at my dcs primary whose mum was always volunteering and was pally with the staff. They tended to turn a blind eye to her being a bully.
I'm so sorry you lost your dh. I lost mine too but 4 years ago. You should be very proud of yourself for coping. It's very hard. At least other kids were kind to my two. It's dreadful kids are being mean to yours after what they're going through

The girl hasn’t apologised but the head has tried to show that the behaviour was wrong.

i am now worried that there is a friendship between the girls mum and the head. The mother seems to know how to manipulate people and gives donations to the school due to her wealth.

Honestly? I'd look to move schools. Get on some waiting lists, and if a suitable space comes up consider taking it.

We were going to move schools last term but dd loves the school she’s a teacher and it’s just this girl who seems to make it worse (some of the others just follow). It’s a shame, so frustrating and upsetting.

I meant she loves the school she’s in.

sorry brain is tired this morning!

I’d be going straight to the head and then the board of governors if that didn’t work. That’s beyond despicable. .

She doesn't know any other schools, so her view is skewed. Sometimes as parents we have to do what is needed, you can't place this onto a young child. They keep trying, it is what kids do.

By all means try to fix it but I think too many parents are too reluctant to move. Your DD is being bullied, and the school has a track record of failing to act.

Decide in your head what you want the school to do and if they don't do enough to stop the bullying, accept it is a bad school.

It sounds like you've given it everything and the school aren't protecting your dd. We had to move our ds due to bullying and things are much better for him now but it's not a decision any parent wants to make.

If that was my child I would be utterly ashamed. Her mother should know how nasty her child has been.

There are only 6 girls and the Queen Bee continually makes your DD the excluded one.

Move her. The Head does have a conflict of interests and was piss poor at dealing with the bullying for the previous YEAR.

If the head lives within the community and has children at the school herself and is friends with some of the parents then that’s fine, she knows them in a different context. Most heads don’t do that because the friendships have to be able to cope with the professional/friendship switch and also prefer to keep their private life private.

If it happens again, I would get your DD to write it down and then when she’s asked about it then it’s all clear so write down down dates, times, location, who said what, and anyone who witnessed it. If the anti-bullying policy is not being followed then write a stage 1 complaint (the policy will be on the school’s website) highlighting the places where the policy is not being followed, then being a polite and persistent pest escalate to stage 2 and 3 etc.

Please don’t follow some of the advice on here - governors can only get involved at the correct stage in the policies. Half the advice here firstly means you wouldn’t get taken seriously and then cause headaches as if we deal with a complaint when it gets to us as part of the policy then we have to have no prior knowledge.

I know your daughter doesn’t want to leave but you could see where there are places and see if she could go for a trial day.

As someone bullied all through school for having no Mum ( she died when I was 5) it’s horrific.
Most kids lack empathy and need things explaining but a few are just hideous. In my case I grew up on the same street as my bully and she actually knew my Mum, which makes it worse, she was pretty and popular and from an ‘untouchable’ family. I would walk nearly another mile to avoid going past her house.
I had a conversation with her in our late teens and she absolutely denied the torment she put me through, she was always the organ grinder and got her little gang of monkeys to do the nasty stuff. I had very little growing up but I had a nice new (for a change) winter coat for high school and they destroyed it and left it hanging on the peg in such a way that it was only apparent when I put it on - I’m 55 and I can remember how I felt to this day.

The little madam bullying Op’s DD needs a severe talking to but even then some kids are just horrible.