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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd bullied for not having a dad

116 replies

Stephthegreat · 01/09/2022 22:20

My dd had her first day in Year 5 today, she had problems with two of the girls in her class all through year 4 (being excluded, bullied for all kinds of silly reasons like her hair wasn’t nice, etc.). I’m proud she has come through that and I hoped the problems would stop in Year 5 (teachers had tried to resolve in Year 4).

my dh passed away in June and I’ve been trying to keep things as normal and positive for the dcs. Today dd came home and burst into tears saying that she couldn’t join the ‘girl group’ because the girls said it’s only for people with dads. She said she wasn’t allowed to join in because of this.

Im fuming and heartbroken for my dd. AIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow about this? One of the girls is very mean. There are only 6 girls in the class which makes it worse.

OP posts:
Y7drama · 02/09/2022 07:57

What horrible, nasty children. If this has been going on for a year, I’d be tempted to look at other school options if that was a possibility. Go to the school, this must be a safeguarding issue. I hope the school come down on those girls like a ton of bricks.

IhateJan22 · 02/09/2022 08:04

Is it worth considering moving her to another school? If it’s been ongoing for a long time then it might be worth considering?

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 02/09/2022 08:04

Bloody hell, this is bad. My son would get the bollocking of his life if I ever heard he'd done something like this.

You must talk to the school OP and not just an informal chat with the teacher at the door. It's gone beyond that. You need a cast iron plan of how they'll deal with it and if you're not 100% satisfied then move her.

orangeisthenewpuce · 02/09/2022 08:06

Normally I wouldn't advise going to the parents but this is such a horrible horrible thing to have been said to you daughter, in this instance I would tell the parents. And I'd also ask for a meeting with the HT.

carefullycourageous · 02/09/2022 08:07

What horrible, nasty children Those children have been badly let down. Children who are taught to be like this and allowed to be like this go on to live miserable lives, and damage more people.

The OP's priority is her own child and OP does not need to concern herself with the other children as that is not her problem, but it is pretty sad this is happening overall - no one is winning in a scenario like this. I would be so sad if my child was that horrid, why are the school not doing more to prevent it?

IWishIWasABaller · 02/09/2022 08:09

Maybe threaten the head that you are considering going to the local rag to do a story on bullying and how your daughter is being treated? I've seen it work before . I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and hope your daughter will be ok

lollipoprainbow · 02/09/2022 08:12

@carefullycourageous I was waiting for the post about sticking up for the bullies and you've nailed it. Shame on you.

Womblesaremyfavouritefood · 02/09/2022 08:18

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would be utterly fuming (and am on your behalf). First port of call is the teacher, plus Head. Ask to see their Safeguarding codes and anti bullying policies. All of them. If you can, take someone with you as a 'witness'. Next, threaten (and mean it) to go to the Board of Govenors. I would suggest leaving your DD at home today until you've got this particular ball rolling.

Ultimately you might need to change schools; with so few girls as potential friends, it might be the only route. But I would be shouting this from the rooftop. Sending an un mumsnet type hug.

Changechangychange · 02/09/2022 08:19

complain to both the class teacher and the head, but if all the girls in the year are this nasty, honestly I’d just pull your daughter out of school.

No bullying intervention is going to get these kids from “almost psychopathically nasty” to “lovely”, at best they will get to “not actively malevolent”.

your poor DD deserves to be in a school with lovely children to make friends with, not one where the bullies have toned it down a bit.

carefullycourageous · 02/09/2022 08:20

lollipoprainbow · 02/09/2022 08:12

@carefullycourageous I was waiting for the post about sticking up for the bullies and you've nailed it. Shame on you.

Biscuit because swearing will get me banned.

I do not stick up for the bullies, maybe your reading comprehension is poor.

I posted upthread it was dreadful and the OP should move her child because the school is clearly shit.

But you choose - do you want no bullying or do you want bullies punished? I wish bullying wasn't fucking happening and I think schools are still letting everyone down when they turn a blind eye.

I've had to move my own child before so Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 02/09/2022 08:21

I suffered this. It doesn’t even stop at primary. You need to move her.

lollipoprainbow · 02/09/2022 08:26

because swearing will get me banned.

Didn't stop you further on down. Ok maybe you aren't defending the bullies but saying the other children have been let down irked me. For the record I loathe BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuiting bullies.

carefullycourageous · 02/09/2022 08:28

And @lollipoprainbow I want to add that people like you are part of the reason bullying isn't disappearing fast enough. You are part of the problem - because you are too blinkered to see that bullies are empowered in our system and we could do so much more TO PREVENT IT HAPPENING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 08:29

What vile children. I'd be on to the head bitches mother, tell her exactly what she's raising.

NeverTalksToStrangers · 02/09/2022 08:29

Another boy told my 9 yo ds that he was glad ds's grandad had died (he passed from covid in April 21), which i thought was bad enough. His teacher was furious with the other child.

I think the reason for it was (weirdly) jealousy though. His teacher (male, mid 20s) had sent us a card when my dad died saying how devastated he was when his granda had died etc. I wonder did he speak to the class about being nice to my son and this sort of stimulated it? Iykwim?

lollipoprainbow · 02/09/2022 08:29

So sorry to hear this OP, I was bullied mercilessly for years in the 1980's, my school was hopeless at sorting it out, my mum complained to the head and he told the girls my mum had complained and it backfired and the bullying got worse than ever.

I'd like to think that bullying is no longer tolerated in schools but I don't think that's the case in many.

carefullycourageous · 02/09/2022 08:29

lollipoprainbow · 02/09/2022 08:26

because swearing will get me banned.

Didn't stop you further on down. Ok maybe you aren't defending the bullies but saying the other children have been let down irked me. For the record I loathe BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuiting bullies.

Swearing at you would get my post deleted. Swearing in general is allowed.

I'm sick of people blocking progress, on this and loads of other issues.

The OP's priority is her own children, but it might be nice if we could start to change the culture in schools in general. Anyway I will post no more as it is the OP's thread. As I said, it is a disgrace and the OP should seriously consider moving her kids.

J0y · 02/09/2022 08:38

Unbelievable cruelty. Go to school. I was a parent a child who had said some appalling things to another child at school. I was so disappointed in him. I let him know that.

jalu47 · 02/09/2022 08:41

I am always so shocked when I hear children behaving like this - if this was my child I'd want to know and I'd be fuming with them! But then again it must come down to parenting. They have not been taught any compassion. So sorry for your loss. Hope the school act fast.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 02/09/2022 08:41

I am so sorry for your loss. Utterly appalling behaviour and will require some energy from you to hold the school to account so please make sure you are supported as you support your daughter. Sending you strength

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 02/09/2022 08:42

I am so sorry for your loss. Utterly appalling behaviour and will require some energy from you to hold the school to account so please make sure you are supported as you support your daughter. Sending you strength

SmugglersHaunt · 02/09/2022 08:44

I'm so sorry she's gone through this. Those girls are vile.

My friend's dad died when we were at primary school and these horrible girls said to her "I'm glad your dad died". We complained but the teacher did nothing and it really affected her. I'd go mental about this - those girls need to know 100% what they did is wrong

YingMei · 02/09/2022 08:58

That is absolutely vile. You should complain to the head then look at an alternative school for your DD.

Choconut · 02/09/2022 08:59

Go to the teacher again OP - different teacher may do a better job. If not go to the head, if still no joy then go to the governors - look up the process on the school website and follow it. Do not let this just go on and on. If that still doesn't work then take her out and move her to a different school - make it clear that she is leaving because bullying at the school is not being dealt with.

If that is too much to go through and she is willing and there are options available then consider moving now. The girls might be made to tolerate her but they sound so nasty that even then she is probably far better off elsewhere.

Subbaxeo · 02/09/2022 09:02

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of your loss. I would be horrified if my kids ever said something so cruel to a classmate. Contact the school and get them to take action on this-if they won’t, do you have the parents’ details? They need to know how their kids are behaving.