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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd bullied for not having a dad

116 replies

Stephthegreat · 01/09/2022 22:20

My dd had her first day in Year 5 today, she had problems with two of the girls in her class all through year 4 (being excluded, bullied for all kinds of silly reasons like her hair wasn’t nice, etc.). I’m proud she has come through that and I hoped the problems would stop in Year 5 (teachers had tried to resolve in Year 4).

my dh passed away in June and I’ve been trying to keep things as normal and positive for the dcs. Today dd came home and burst into tears saying that she couldn’t join the ‘girl group’ because the girls said it’s only for people with dads. She said she wasn’t allowed to join in because of this.

Im fuming and heartbroken for my dd. AIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow about this? One of the girls is very mean. There are only 6 girls in the class which makes it worse.

OP posts:
Dobbysgotthesocks · 01/09/2022 22:44

I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry your daughter has had to go through that. What nasty nasty children.
I think if the school are not horrified and take strong action to resolve it you should really consider moving her. Having so few girls in the year makes it so much harder to form friendships outside of the bullies influence.

I really wish you and your daughter well and hope she is able to recognise that what these girls said says absolutely nothing about her and just shows how nasty these girls are.

Rosiebelle17 · 01/09/2022 22:52

please do something about it , my father died when I was 8 and I remember one girl ( bully )always asking stupid questions like what size shoes did he have and then bursting out laughing
I never forgot it , even though it’s 40 years ago

apintortwo · 01/09/2022 22:58

That's awful OP Flowers

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 01/09/2022 22:59

Go straight to the headteacher. Disgusting behaviour!

If teachers do t take it seriously id move her.

Pansypotter123 · 01/09/2022 23:00

My girls went through this. One nasty little cow asked my very young daughter did she have a good Easter - after the teacher had told the class that her daddy had died over the Easter holidays. To be fair the school handled this exceptionally. I hope yours does the same. My sincere condolences for your loss. Have you joined WAY? Xxx

cestlavielife · 01/09/2022 23:02

Speak to teacher
Look at other school options

blackpearwhitelilies · 01/09/2022 23:25

I’m so sorry, OP. This must be so hard for you both xxx

Kate0902900908 · 01/09/2022 23:29

Who is raising these children?!
Even as a young child I had empathy, I was taught it and wouldn’t have gotten away with any less! Your daughter bless her I hope she is ok, I would 100% speak to school and tell them this better stop!

sjxoxo · 01/09/2022 23:30

Omg I’m do sorry for your DD and for your loss. Absolutely go back to the school and get a meeting with the teacher and maybe the head and request the parents of the other girls are present and get this out there. Outrageous behaviour from those girls & the school should support you 100%. Best of luck to you I’m sure their parents will beyond mortified. Xx

mondaytosunday · 01/09/2022 23:41

There was a thing about bullying in Radio 4 the other day. The expert recommended: listen, talk, act.
Listen to your child without speaking. Let her express all the feelings she has about these girls, their actions, how this makes her feel about her dad etc.
Then talk to her. Explain that how she feels is valid and repeat back to her what you heard her say.
Act: go to the school. Explain the situation and suggest they make it a while school thing. They can do an anti bully campaign that the kids help organise - with ownership they are more likely to get it. Families come in all shapes and forms etc.
One thing they said was do NOT go directly to the other parents. They will be on the defensive, and this may in turn lead to more trouble for your daughter.
As it takes place in school the school needs to act.

Mumspair1 · 02/09/2022 00:05

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 01/09/2022 22:22

No yanbu. I would go apeshit.

I would confront these bitches myself after school.

Pinkflipflop85 · 02/09/2022 06:36

Mumspair1 · 02/09/2022 00:05

I would confront these bitches myself after school.

Show quote history

Which would then cause a whole new set of issues. Daft advice.

sageandrosemary · 02/09/2022 06:51

@Pinkflipflop85 While I would generally agree it's daft advice, my own mum took this route when I was being bullied after becoming frustrated with the school's inaction. It worked, the girl never bothered me again. Could've backfired though.

I'm so sorry OP, how heartbreaking. Flowers

Is moving schools an option as PP mentioned?

Fluffruff · 02/09/2022 06:56

That’s so awful. I hope the teacher takes a really strong action on this.

Hesma · 02/09/2022 07:27

Unbelievable! How can they be so cruel? Definitely speak to school. Remind your daughter she DOES have a dad, he loves her as you do and is now her guardian angel. I’m so sorry for you loss OP. I’d also be speaking to the parents. I’d be mortified if my DDs did anything like this and by golly they’d get a firm reality check!

PlutoCritter · 02/09/2022 07:36

One thing they said was do NOT go directly to the other parents. They will be on the defensive, and this may in turn lead to more trouble for your daughter. As it takes place in school the school needs to act.

that's the theory. The reality when you're not on a radio talk show is different.

This behaviour is so beyond the pale and emotionally damaging this isn't typical bullying (which is bad enough) and the op's school have already been ineffective at tackling it over an extended period of time.

I would listen to the other good advice here op.

Talk to the head directly and tell them to intervene, talk to the leader's parents, in person and without the kids there - tell them you're going to expect their support and intervention here, follow the school's complaint and bullying process to the letter and get a paper trail.

The wrath of God should descend here so they , the school and your daughter know they've gone too far now. In the background I'd be making logistic checks to see if I could move her at the best time if needed.

JasmineIndigo · 02/09/2022 07:36

Is there a class whatsapp? If so publicly call out this vile behaviour.

Seashor · 02/09/2022 07:36

I’m a class teacher. If that had happened in my class I’d want to know ASAP. I would hope that the parent would email me straight away . I can’t do anything about issues I don’t know about.

Seashor · 02/09/2022 07:38

And to all of you saying complain to all and sundry, the new class teacher hasn’t even been told about the incident!!!

PlutoCritter · 02/09/2022 07:39

Which would then cause a whole new set of issues. Daft advice.

My best friend was bullied, mercilessly, for years. School useless. The only thing that stopped it is her mum grabbing the ring leaders mum behind a car in the car park and threatening her. 3 years of hell fixed. Clearly, it needed to be calculated - this wasn't a criminal family, and ud kids didn't live next door to each other, but the wimpy ineffective teachers we had did fuck all to protect her. 30 years later the trauma of those 3 years still present.

TeenDivided · 02/09/2022 07:42

Because this is a hang over from issues last year that the school know about, and the seriousness, I would in this situation:
a) ring the school when the office opens saying I need to see HT & CT urgently
b) go down to the school early with DD and wait until I have been seen
(or b then a depending on length or journey and opening times)
I would ask DD to tell the teachers what was said, then wait outside.
I would say I am happy to take DD home today so they can do whatever is needed if they need time to sort out rockets to blow at the girls.

backwhiteandredallover · 02/09/2022 07:46

That's awful!
If you're worried the school aren't going to do anything you could always ask for a meeting with the head and insist that the chair of governors attends or if it's a CofE school pop an email to someone from the church linked to the school. This would definitely make the head take it more seriously.

I'd absolutely be speaking to the parents.

TheCutter · 02/09/2022 07:51

I'm so sorry, op. That's utterly disgusting. Your poor DD. I agree, I'd go straight to the school with that and expect her parents to be told.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 02/09/2022 07:51

Definitely speak to the school about this. They clearly need to do more. Honestly, I’d be mortified if my kids bullied anyone for any reason but to bully them because one of their parents have died is just beyond the pale.

froggybiby · 02/09/2022 07:56

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you ANBU. Speak to the teacher first...and later to the head if you get no result. Thinking of you xx