Dd bullied for not having a dad

[Stephthegreat]

My dd had her first day in Year 5 today, she had problems with two of the girls in her class all through year 4 (being excluded, bullied for all kinds of silly reasons like her hair wasn’t nice, etc.). I’m proud she has come through that and I hoped the problems would stop in Year 5 (teachers had tried to resolve in Year 4).

my dh passed away in June and I’ve been trying to keep things as normal and positive for the dcs. Today dd came home and burst into tears saying that she couldn’t join the ‘girl group’ because the girls said it’s only for people with dads. She said she wasn’t allowed to join in because of this.

Im fuming and heartbroken for my dd. AIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow about this? One of the girls is very mean. There are only 6 girls in the class which makes it worse.

Nasty little shits, definitely go the school, they need to come down hard on this. I also hope they're being supportive of your DD and offering extra support if she needs it.

There are really two problems here:

a) stopping the bullying (and I think you should contact the teacher about this)

b) the girl who said this is not somebody to be friends with. What she said is beyond the pale and shows a serious nasty streak. How can this person be an actual friend to your dd? Are there any girls who aren’t controlled by this one?

100% support you speaking to the teachers @Stephthegreat Your daughter will come out of this the other side and whilst it'll have been terribly upsetting and difficult for her, she will never be the bully in her life. The bullies will grow up to realise what a beyond forgivable thing it is they have done and it will stay with them and haunt them forever. Hope your daughter has a better day today and that those nasty girls get what's coming

I’d go to the head and I’d also go public on any school WhatsApp or Facebook groups. Nasty little brats. Probably learnt from equally as feral parents.

Who raised these nasty, disgusting girls?? It says a lot about their parents to be honest.
I'd be going to the school and start acting like a mad woman.

I think this gets to the heart of it - the school can stop the bullying (though given their past inaction, they might not).

They can’t make this child a decent human being. And your DD is stuck in a class with her for the next two years, and very few other girls to be friends with instead.

"No yanbu. I would go apeshit"

Absolutely this. Those girls need a short, sharp shock in terms of school sanctions. And the parents need contacting too.

Omg that is so heart breaking. Sometimes I just don't get what goes through some children's (or adult's) minds. Probably nothing much.

I'm so so sorry for you and your daughter for both your loss and for having to deal with these little monsters.

I'd speak to the school again telling them explicitly about what happened and I'd also tell the parents if you can..if my kids ever behaved like this I would want to know even if they are just the followers or by standers (and anyway if they are the leaders of this nastiness)

If there is a class WhatsApp group definitely post it on there. You don't even have to name names but if I heard about this I'd be going out of my way to make sure my child is super kind to yours and stops hanging out with the ring leaders. And the parents of the ring leader might be more willing to do something when they hear the outpouring of sympathy for your child on the group.

They won't unless someone tells them in no uncertain terms. I really hope the teachers (and hopefully the parents) will come down on them like a ton of bricks.

What a nasty thing to say to anyone. I would raise it with the teacher and demand a meeting with the teacher and the parent of that little beast present - and I say this as someone who has never once requested a meeting of the school. I would clearly outline that my child has been through enough, explain to the parent the impact of what came out her child's mouth, tell her she burst into tears, and then sit back and listen to what the other parent is going to do about it. This level of cruelty needs to be nipped in the bud right away.

I'd be having their parents at the gates tbh. Disgraceful behaviour and clearly they weren't raised very well.

I'd be telling their patents what was said and if they didn't sort it, telling everyone else. Name would be mud. Shame them into sorting out their vile offspring.

If that still didn't sort it, a brick through the window would do. (Only half joking)

I’m so sorry for you and your DD’s loss. Children can be little shits sometimes. My DS was 8 when his DF died and sadly we’ve had similar situations. Other children were telling him his Dad had killed himself and that was because of him etc. One boy ripped up a picture DS had drawn of his DF and was in his drawer in the classroom . It’s devastating for children and parents going through this as it is without what feels like salt rubbed into the wound.

You’ve had some good advice here re going to the school, getting things in writing etc so I won’t repeat it all.

You’ve probably heard of Winston’s Wish who I can’t recommend enough but also WAY if you’re widowed under 50. Enormously helpful organisation.

I wish you all the best.

Your poor DD; I’m heartbroken and furious for her! And I’m so sorry for your loss.

The girls need to be made to apologise - immediately. Write to the class teacher and Head, saying you expect it to be dealt with robustly and immediately. The ringleader should be facing some sort of sanction.

If it’s not dealt with properly contact the chair of governors.

I’m so sorry, OP. My DNephew was brought up by my sister, without a Dad; he faced a few cruel comments early in his school career, though it didn’t last too long. Girls can be really horrid though. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d be very tempted to visit the girl’s parents…

A work colleague had a similar problem when his wife passed away. He went round to the child’s house and tore strips off the child in front of its parents.

It didn’t happen again.

Go to the house, child plus parents plus a prepared script. Be very very angry.

Omg that is HORRENDOUS how those girls treated you little girl.

I am shocked and disgusted by their actions.

Yeah you need to speak to the school who can not, under any circumstances turn a blind eye to this.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I hope you and your Ds are ok.

While that situation worked for your work colleague I would not recommend you do this Op. You are already vulnerable and you don’t know what you’d be walking into. Make the school deal with this. Im
sorry you’re having to spend energy on sorting this out.----

That's heartbreaking. So sorry your dc and your family are having to go through this. Have you spoken to the teacher today?

I don't know how I'd react but as we have a class WhatsApp I'd probably write something in that, without naming names- 'hi everyone, dc has heard a few children saying that she cannot play with them because she does not have a dad. As I'm sure you can imagine this is extremely hurtful, and it's such early days since X's death that we're all still shocked and devastated. We'd really appreciate if you could have a gentle word with your children about being sensitive around dc regarding this matter. I will also be raising this with the teacher. Thank you in advance'

Thank you @MultiplicationBell We’re doing much much better now, time really is a healer and all that guff. I’m six years on so that raw time is almost a distant memory.

A girl of a similar age daughter of a neighbour said a similar horrific thing to a shared tutor whose husband had died suddenly and shockingly.

Dd came home white faced and so upset and could barely repeat what this girl had said to the lovely tutor. Very over privileged child from a worthy religious type family as well now at the local private school. Advised Dd to stay well away from that weirdo.

I would speak to the head and the parents of the children.

I’m shocked that young kids are capable of being so cruel.

Sadly not shocked some people have always been like this - as adults they hide it though. They walk among us <shudders>

Did you escalate to beyond the class teacher last year? And is this the same teacher? I would say class teacher and pastoral care lead in the first instance (if not the same teacher) and escalate to the head if you do not get a satisfactory response. This is absolutely disgusting. Your poor dd. Big hugs.

Go straight to the parents. They need to know what vile little girls they're raising.