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Original poster

Considering saying no presents for son's birthday

112 replies

WobblyWellies · 01/09/2022 18:31

I know this has been talked about before on mumsnet but I'm still interested to know people's thoughts. My son will be having a birthday party for his 4th birthday next month. I've invited about 14 children. I would like to say to everyone, please don't worry about presents but I don't know how to say it. Ds will get gifts for us and other family members so he doesn't need anymore. I just don't want anyone to feel awkward or obliged to bring a present in this current economic climate when many people are feeling the pinch one way or another. My son is not going to know or care. I know that he'll just love having other children there to play and celebrate with.

So is it OK to say no presents?

OP posts:
Onlystar · 02/09/2022 08:41

No problem if you want to do donations to the food bank. tell people on your birthday to donate to the food bank.
I can understand a cost limit and think that’s appropriate.
but I don’t think you should use your child’s birthday as a fundraiser for charity.

prescribingmum · 02/09/2022 08:46

JubileeTissues · 02/09/2022 08:35

"My son is not going to know or care"

Is this your first 4 year old? He will notice when he takes a present for his friend and realises nobody brought him a gift. Do a foodbank collection for your birthday if you really must but don't do your child out of presents on his birthday.

I have a 5 and 4 year old - they both understand that not receiving gifts on their birthday is because we request for their friends not to bring any (5 year old for upcoming birthday as we had joint party last month and she did receive presents which were left untouched). They receive the big items they want from birthdays and xmas so they do not go without. They also receive small things they want from family/very close friends on their birthdays so their wishlist does not go unread and they do not miss out.

We have made a point of instilling the value of experiences and days out into them rather than receiving mindless tat.

They are very spoilt with love, experiences, activities and holidays but I absolutely refuse to buy into mindless consumerism and giving for the sake of it

prescribingmum · 02/09/2022 09:00

Gymrabbit · 02/09/2022 08:38

I think you are completely unreasonable to deny your child presents from his friends as well as deny his guests the fun of picking and handing over presents.
It’s his birthday, not yours. If you want to request people give donations instead of presents for your birthday then go for it.

I bet the people supporting this are the type who give donations instead of presents to other people too for birthdays and then thinks they are wonderful for giving to charity not understanding they are giving away other people’s things rather than their own.

As parents, it is upto us how we bring up our children. There is no obligation to host a party and if we were to not host one, we would not receive any presents by default but I will not deny them the experience. As far as fun of handing over presents goes, it is not necessary - the joy is in attending the party and having fun.

No we do not give charity donations in lieu of presents or request them ever. If there is nothing on the invite, we will always give a present, we are fully aware of etiquette but that does not mean we dont instil our values into our children

Bearsan · 02/09/2022 09:22

No it's not ok. It's not your party or presents to be be noble about.
Someone is going to say "where are your presents?" at some point. Poor child.
Part of being an adult and a parent is accepting the plastic/noisy/messy/tat that you don't want in your house is important to your child.
It lasts seconds trust me.

LateAF · 02/09/2022 09:45

Bearsan · 02/09/2022 09:22

No it's not ok. It's not your party or presents to be be noble about.
Someone is going to say "where are your presents?" at some point. Poor child.
Part of being an adult and a parent is accepting the plastic/noisy/messy/tat that you don't want in your house is important to your child.
It lasts seconds trust me.

Poor child 🤯what would you say about the children in Ukraine, or in famine, or on the breadline here, or whose parents can’t afford a party?

Get some perspective- there’s nothing poor about being surrounded by love ones at a party dedicated to you (even if no presents are forthcoming).

Bearsan · 02/09/2022 10:01

LateAF · 02/09/2022 09:45

Poor child 🤯what would you say about the children in Ukraine, or in famine, or on the breadline here, or whose parents can’t afford a party?

Get some perspective- there’s nothing poor about being surrounded by love ones at a party dedicated to you (even if no presents are forthcoming).

Show quote history

What have you done about any of those children that you mentioned? Not bought a child in the UK a present for their birthday? Well done, I'm sure that has helped those starving, traumatized dc no end. How extremely noble of you.👏

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2022 21:03

UWhatNow · 01/09/2022 21:37

“Most 4 year olds know there's presents and watching my DGC open theirs was lovely.
At that age they're thrilled with everything they get.”

Not if they’re brought up to not expect it.

So when they have to buy a present for their friend's birthday?

MyLifeIsFictional · 03/09/2022 21:41

Children love giving presents! It's part of their social education to choose, buy, wrap and give a present. It doesn't have to cost the earth.

madnessitellyou · 03/09/2022 22:01

At 4, he knows that people bring presents to parties. He'll care very much when the guests arrive with nothing.

If you feel that strongly, make a donation to a charity. Don't be the virtuous martyr on behalf of your four year old.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2022 22:18

These threads do seem mean fir the child 😢

yes I know they don’t know 15 are coming and only had 4 presents for example

it’s their birthday. Their special day once a year

or suggest popping £a pound coin in card and child choosing some sweets books craft etc from Lou shop

plus some children like my dd5 enjoy choosing a small gift and wrapping and giving it

UWhatNow · 05/09/2022 00:17

Whysolong7 · 01/09/2022 21:50

My DD was invited to a party recently and the mum on the invite included - please don’t worry about brining a gift Xxxx would really love a lovely picture drawn by you DC to brighten up her room instead’

it was really sweet and my DD spend ages colouring a beautiful picture for her and on the back wrote ‘thank you for being a lovely friend’ 🤩. So it was an opportunity to bring something thoughtful from our DD at zero cost. Maybe that is an option- people like to bring something?

This is so lovely!

Yummyplumthanksmum · 05/09/2022 00:49

Definitely don't do the food bank thing. That won't look good, especially as it is your dad's church.

Great to support the food bank but keep that seperate from your son's birthday.

I would either leave it or find a way of saying presents are optional if you think that might enable some guests to attend.

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